Mother as First Guru

I have watched my son, who is six, turn into an amazing older brother to my daughter who turns one this week. I'm sometimes in awe of his ability to express care and concern for her. I laugh on the inside when he shushes her gently in the same rhythm and tone that I use. I find myself joyful when I see her light up when he comes down the stairs in the morning. I remember I was horrified when I realized my kids would be so far apart in age. Deployment set us back three years in the family planning department...the year before I knew was going to deploy because if i got pregnant I would never live down the speculation that I did it just to get out of the deployment, the year I was gone for reasons that should be obvious, and the year after I came back when I had a miscarriage and was too stressed to make a safe place for a baby to grow. So when Brooklyn was finally on her way, I remember being concerned about Trevor and how he would adjust to losing only child status. But I have to tell you, it's been amazing. I have worked actively to teach Trevor about what family means and how we need to treat each other. I have talked to him about the role of the older brother but also how we as a family have to work as a team because we all contribute to the well being of the family. How else do children learn  what is expected of adults and how to interact with the world? How else do they see what a marriage should look like and how family should treat each other? So many times parents defer that opportunity or go on auto pilot so they are not consciously creating a family. I think it may in part have to do with the fact that way too often people have children for selfish reasons. There is always some element of selfishness in child rearing and there are definitely rewards which are reaped by the parents. There is nothing wrong with experiencing and enjoying those aspects of parenting. If there weren't rewards from parenting the human race would've died out a long time ago.  But I think the difference is when people have children to fix parts of themselves or reflect glory upon themselves. I cringe when I hear women who are pregnant say, "Finally someone to love me for me." That's not a child's responsibility. I disagree with parents who think that just because their kid is good at something that means they are somehow wonderful parents. A child's natural talents really have nothing to do with the parents' abilities as parents. The two are not correlated. Period. These beliefs and ideas we have about kids and parenting have caused an erroneous perception about having children in our society. We have begun to think the kids should be there for the parents and not the other way around. What happens though when the child fails to bring the anticipated bliss to the parent? The parent then begins to resent that child and abdicate his or her responsibilities to that child because after all, the child only existed for the parents' glory. This is too huge of a responsibility to place on a child who is emotionally and physically immature. A child is incapable of meeting an adult's emotional needs. Instead, parents need to be there for their kids. I have to wonder if we devoted as much time and energy to building our families as we did in building careers wouldn't things look different? Corporations have mission statements, goals, targets, regular meetings and try to function in a way that promotes the best interest of the entity. People who work at corprorations try to treat each other professionally. Corporate employees work overtime to max their profits. What if we did that for our families? I hear parents speaking to their kids in a way that would get them fired if they spoke that way at work. What if we put that much energy and respect into our relationships? What if we sought a Return on Investment (ROI) from our relationships just like in the corporate world? What if we maximized profits by investing in our families? This would require a joint mission, goals, family meetings....and time and dedication. In this country we can build multibillion dollar corporations but our families are falling apart. We know how to build a successful entity that generates profits and rewards. We just don't apply it outside the corporate context. If we applied similar dedication to our families, I have to think our kids would be better adjusted and our relationships would be stronger. Show me where you spend your time and I will tell you what your priorities are. Where are you getting a ROI? If it's not your family,  should it be?

"NICE" is Not a Four Letter Word

"I thought your class was great. It would be a great compliment to my beginning yoga class because it is an all over body workout and because you are nice. Oh, I'm sorry-I hope you're not offended by that (being called nice)."

I laughed and said, "of course not." This was in March and I thought about the encounter immediately afterward and frequently since then. The naive part of me wondered why someone would think I'd be offended by being called "nice"-something I'm pretty sure used to be a compliment. The not so naive part of me knew that this gentleman must have, at least once, felt the repercussions of someone being offended by the label nice" and maybe even he, himself, had taken it as a less than complimentary adjective. The really not naive part of me can figure out precisely why this dialogue occurred...in our present society (United States, 2014) being nice has somehow become associated with being weak, with being a push over, with being gullible. Go on...I'm sure you can add a few more associations to my list. If you're nice, you're not a bad ass, you are not "in your face" and therefore it is assumed you don't stand up for your beliefs and you let people take advantage of you. You're not aggressive, you're not loud and definitely not powerful. Our society has come to value these traits, in some circles, more than being "nice"-being compassionate and treating each other with respect and love.

I have several thoughts about this way of thinking and, therefore, being, we seem to have latched onto. First, I detest false dichotomies-I think they are harmful and part of me becoming a better person has been purging dichotomous thinking from my thought patterns. "Nice" (and the characteristics I believe it entails-listed above) isn't the opposite of power. "Nice" isn't the opposite of respect or standing up for your beliefs, of not being a doormat. You can be nice AND powerful. Nice AND respected. Nice AND stand firmly for what you believe in and be nice AND have boundaries.

In my experience, I have made the most impact and felt the most empowered all while being "nice". I don't let people say offensive comments around me and I do have boundaries. In my experience, outcomes are more favorable when I address a situation calmly and respectfully and explain why a phrase or action is offensive and unacceptable. This approach has been successful, I think, because there is a "why", an explanation. Respect has been maintained so the person on the receiving end hasn't lost face and/or reacted as defensively (a very natural human reaction to perceived aggression). This allows the person to think about the actual point I made instead of focusing

on what s/he wants to say to make me feel like shit in return.

More importantly, in my experience, being "nice" is for me and my heart as much as it is for the other person. I don't like who I am when I'm not "nice"-if I can make the same point respectfully and calmly, the good part of me is protected and remains intact. The times I have allowed myself to not be so "nice"-the negative energy no only damaged the other person but also the part of me that I love and need to protect.

Like I said, I've been thinking a lot about this. The instance I described in the beginning of this post is not the first time it has been intimated (or directly stated) to me that I am weak or foolish because I am kind. In my contemplation of why this is, I've landed on a couple points I'd like to share. I think that as a result of our society's overt historic and more covert present propensity for diminishing and reviling characteristics associated with the feminine and revering and lauding traits associated with the masculine, "nice"-which in my life has manifested as empathy, respect and compassion-has been denigrated. In a society that rewards aggression, prioritizes the individual to a fault and still rests on a sexist foundation, "nice is defined as "less than". It is interesting to me because I've had this blog topic in mind since March and knew it would be the subject of my next post, even before my last post. The synchronicity of our posts amazes me again, because I think my "nice" post is related to Anne's "strength" post. How we define a word or a trait speaks volumes about our society, our priorities and what we choose to believe as individuals. Is it really more empowering to be negative, snide, rude, cutting, aggressive and loud? In my experience, it often takes more "strength" to be "nice" and the outcome is usually more favorable...so you tell me which way of being is more "powerful".

I'll end by saying I'd like us to examine which behaviors we reward-indivdually and collectively. I'd like us to examine how we define words and traits and what characteristics we attach to them. My wish for us is that we see we don't have to choose between setting boundaries, being respected, not accepting intolerance and being "nice". We can do and be both, and again, in my experience, individually and collectively, we will be better for it.

Struggling to Understand Strength

I’ve valued the notion of “strength” for as long as I can remember. I’m fairly certain that it began when I was younger, and I quickly realized that genetics had endowed me with an above-average mass of muscle for a female. This was readily apparent to me when I scored a soccer goal from more than halfway up the field when I was in elementary school. I believe I latched onto valuing “strength” at a young age because I subconsciously realized that I would almost have to as it seemed to be an inherent part of me.

I still value physical strength; I engage in a variety of physical activities as a means of maintaining various aspects of my health. Moreover, I am always proud of moments in which myself, and others, display their strength. I’m proud that my dad ran his first marathon when he was in his 60’s. I'm proud that my mom, sister Jill, and myself moved entire apartment of heavy furniture from Nashville to Des Moines (Sidenote: which is in itself a great story with many adventures). I’m proud of one of my coworkers that competes in lifting competitions. I think it’s fantastic to challenge our bodies to grow and develop and see what they can do.

However. (Of course there is a however!) I am so…frustrated….with how the word “strength” is used in terms of one’s emotional and cognitive abilities. So often, we seem to understand emotional/cognitive strength as stoicism. If you recall, my professional career is to talk with people about their grief. And I hear the same concepts about strength over, and over, again. “I thought I was a strong person, but then when Bobby Sue died...I just cried and cried and cried.” Or, here is another one. “I have to stay strong and not lose it in front of my family.” So often, strength is painted as the ability to contain and control the expression of one’s emotions.

I really wonder if there is a subconscious part of these individuals that isn’t so much lamenting their lack of strength, but rather that they have to go through the experience of grief at all.  And that they latch on to the concept of“strength” because they are trying to avoid enduring grief’s painful experience.  

Regardless of motivation, I am still frustrated with how this term is used. And this understanding of strength as physical endurance coupled with emotional stoicism is painfully pervasive in so many different scenarios. For example, we have had families begging their loved ones in our hospice care to “try and eat some food so that they can stay strong.” I do not mean to undermine the incredible anguish these families are going through, but at the same time, it just pains me to see them so infatuated with this idea of strength that they encourage someone who is actively dying to eat. I hate to break it to you, but Billie Joe is actively dying, and there is not enough food in the world to stop it.

As I emphasized in the beginning of this post, I DO value physical strength. However, my concern is that we glorify physical strength and emotional stoicism to the point of ridiculousness. Is it amazing to push our bodies? Yes, it is. Nevertheless, our bodies are ultimately finite, and there will come a point where they will no longer do what we want them to do. If we only value strength in terms of physical capabilities, how can we value bodies that start to lose their muscle mass due to the ravages of disease? And to that point, how can we value humans that have reached that level?

I am so frustrated with the one-dimensional use of the term strength, and yet I feel privileged that every day I witness actual feats of strength.  I am so amazed at the strength of a woman that lost her husband of 60 years. She is able to continue to wake up every morning and find new ways of engaging in the world after having lost one of her most significant, and longest, relationships. I value that strength. I am so amazed at the strength of a 70-year-old man that sobs in front of me as he talks about his wife that died. I value the strength that it takes to be transparent in front of a stranger; the strength it takes to bare your emotions and your soul. I am amazed at the strength of a father that talks to his children about missing their mother because of the courage it must take for him to let his kids see his vulnerabilities at a time that he is acutely aware of his own limitations.

And, I’m amazed at the strength in myself. That I am able to bear the weight of grief every day, and yet within those stories of grief, I still see the incredible beauty and hope that is forever there, growing and creating within the pain in unbelievable ways.

I return to where I started. I value strength. And I want to continue to challenge myself to find new ways of understanding it and appreciating it.  How do you understand strength? What acts of strength have amazed you?

The earth is definitely laughing today...

Happy Friday! Spring is officially in full bloom and it is going to be a gorgeous weekend! This flowering tree is right in my front yard and I couldn't resist stopping to take a picture of it. It also inspired me to compile a couple of my favorite quotes about flowers. Check them out below!

Do YOU have a favorite quote regarding flowers, spring, or blooming? Do YOU have a picture of a flower that you stopped to smell? Please share! What are your plans for this weekend? Take time from your busy schedule and literally stop to smell the roses- so often we take the most beautiful things in life for granted.

“The world laughs in flowers.” –Ralph Waldo Emerson-

 

“There came a time when the risk to remain in the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.” –Anais Nin-

 

“The flower that blooms in adversity is the most rare and beautiful of all.” –The Emperor of China from Disney’s ‘Mulan’-

“Don’t wait for someone to bring you flowers. Plant your own garden and decorate your own soul.” –Mario Quintana-

“Happiness held is the seed. Happiness shared is the flower.” –John Harrigan-

“Where flowers bloom so does hope.” –Lady Bird Johnson-

“Love is the flower you’ve got to let grow.” –John Lennon-

 

The F Word

I’ve had a couple of different topics on my mind that I have been wanting to blog about since my last post back in April- after all, it has been over a month since it was my turn to blog. All of the topics I had been mulling over are still topics that I will probably eventually blog about. However, after Jill’s most recent posting, I scratched everything I had been drafting and decided I needed to write this post instead.

After Jill’s most recent post on Elliot Rodgers (see preceding post), the Dissident Daughters had a group text going to discuss our thoughts regarding it. Of course, we all thought she made some excellent points but Jill’s concern was that she “came on too strong.” We all said something to assure her that she shouldn’t have to worry about what she chooses to write about and how she expresses herself. I offered my own words of assurance but then I also said that “I worried too...I worried about topics that I may want to write about. And I didn’t know what to think about that.”

So here I am. Thinking aloud about “that”- about which I am afraid to write about and why I am afraid to write about it. Many of the topics that I want to write (or rant) about are topics that specifically affect and concern women and women’s rights. I also want to share anecdotal stories of how I have experienced sexism, often in the workplace. However, I am fearful to REALLY express things in this blog in the same manner that I might express them if I were just talking to my sisters so I have been asking myself “why” this entire week and have finally come up with an answer, albeit an answer that only poses more questions for me. The answer is this: I am afraid that I will be labeled a feminist. Is this also what Jill was afraid of when she worried that she “came on too strong” regarding her opinion on Elliot Rodgers? And why am I afraid of being labeled with that word? Why is that word so poisonous? Of course, I don’t really know the answer. My younger sister Anne would probably have a better answer than me, but my fear of being labeled a feminist was so strong that I felt that I needed to direct readers’ attention to this article, which I absolutely love:

http://library.crossfit.com/free/pdf/CFJ_2014_03_Feminism_Darsh2.pdf.

The author, Lisbeth Darsh, basically talks about the exact same thing I am questioning: why are people so afraid of using the word “feminist?” She says that some argue that it is too “harsh” of a word while others believe it was tainted in 2004 when Rush Limbaugh started using the word “feminazi.” Additionally, some people think that equality between the sexes has largely been achieved so there is no longer a need for such a word. However, if equality has been achieved between the sexes, Darsh argues, why do we still live in a rape culture, why do we still have political discussions about the gender pay gap, and why does gendercide still occur? Darsh submits that while many females do not want to be labeled with the word “feminist”, the need for the word itself or a replacement word still exists.

In fact, the need, in my opinion, is becoming more and more crucial by the day. Darsh wrote that article well before the Elliot Rodgers killing spree, well before the latest case in Boston this past Sunday evening where a woman in the Boston area was raped by a three time convicted rapist http://www.bostonglobe.com/metro/2014/06/01/level-sex-offender-breaks-into-arlington-house-rapes-woman/hiJHhSsdzlMfOyGdxCZsoK/story.html, well before the news story on Iraq debating the marriage of men to 9 year old girls was released http://www.npr.org/blogs/parallels/2014/05/13/312160466/iraq-debates-law-that-would-allow-men-to-marry-9-year-old-girls and well before the gang rape and hangings of two teenage girls in Delhi http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/jun/03/india-gang-rape-family-threats. If I am afraid to be labeled a feminist, what other word should I be using? As Darsh points out in her article, if you go to thesaurus.com and search for a synonym, your search will be returned with “no results found.” Is it just semantics? Should I stop worrying so much about one little word? Should I just shut up? Or should I just stop being afraid and start labeling myself as such?

Not All Men...But Many...Too Many

"Well girls keep that in mind the next time you friend zone somebody. "

"I hope you women see this as a lesson stop being so stuck up and give that one kid some pussy who never gets shit and you might save a life smdfh this nigga could've saved his life if only one of you dumb cunts could of [sic] given him some sweetness."

"See girls this is what you get for treating nice guys like shit."

These are actual comments that were made, presumably by men although I cannot validate that, following Elliot Rodgers' homicidal rampage which was motivated, in good part, by his hatred of women.   I haven't read the entire manifesto Rodgers authored nor have I watched the entirety of his video. However, what I have been able to glean is that Rodgers was pissed off because he was still a virgin at age 22 and didn't perceive women to be interested in him. He blamed women for his "miserable lonliness" and hated men for having women.  Rodgers' rantings sparked much controversy and comment.  The #YesAllWomen movement was born wherein anectdotal evidence suggests that yes, all women deal with some form of misogyny on a daily basis.  A corresponding movement "Not All Men," was also born to show not all men held beliefs similar to Rodgers. I agree that not all men hold such beliefs but I will argue that  many do....too many. This is evidenced by the fact that there was also support and even pity for "poor little" Elliot Rodgers--as if being a 22 year old virgin was a sentence worse than death. I have highlighted a few comments from supporters above. 

Here's the thing that keeps pissing me off and it's controversial so you are forewarned. No one, man or woman, is entitled to sex. I'm sick of people thinking they can't possibly be happy if they aren't getting screwed 3 times a week or haven't had 10 sex partners by the time they are 20. If I were a man, I would be downright angry that my manhood was defined by how many people I put my penis into. It reduces a man to his cock's activity and quite frankly, it's a really poor judge of a man. Likewise though,  I'm sick of women being valued primarily for their fuckability.  If men weren't defined by sexual prowess, maybe women could be valued for other qualities. I guess I'm sick of the power of the pussy. Really, I don't think sex is a bad thing...I'm not some frigid bitch. However, whenever we let one thing define us, we do so at our own peril.

So for the supporters of Rodgers twisted beliefs, here is what I have to say: First, define your manhood differently. You have all the power in the world so don't expect me to feel sorry for you when you can't live up to the lethario image you have mandated for your gender.  Second, quit devaluing friendships and other forms of non sexual relationships. Third, don't tell women to fuck a lunatic because it might prevent a crime. I don't care how many times a lunatic gets laid. He will still be a lunatic. Trust me, I know because I have screwed some lunatics and might have even been one myself at one time and sex does not cure craziness. Rodgers was either mentally ill which sex won't cure or he was a misogonist. You can't have it both ways. Fourth, to the person who wrote the comment containing "COULD OF." It is "could have" or "could've" NOT "could of." Perhaps you should focus on improving yourself instead of looking for a scapegoat in all the women who didn't show an interest in your ignorance. Fifth, nice guys may get treated like shit. I won't dispute that because it cannot be studied unless you can empirically define a person as a "nice guy," and measure how he gets treated. However, I have to put the focus back on (not all, but many) men for creating the conditions that produce women who think they deserve to be treated like crap. When you grow up with the messages of "you arent good enough," or "you're too stupid to make your own decisions," you arent going to later in life, unless you have had a lot of counseling, all of a sudden decide you deserve to be treated well. If you are treated poorly as a child, tween,  teen and young adult, as a woman, your trauma infused brain will seek out the same.  Trauma seeks out trauma. Trauma attracts more trauma. It's called the nuerobiology of trauma and few people truly understand its impacts on the brain. And finally, Elliot Rodgers wasn't a child. And he may have been mentally ill but let's not underscore he was also a mysognist.  Had he done and said what he did about blacks or gays or Muslims, it would've been a hate crime. But since he hated women, we refer to him as a child with a mental illness.  Let's call it what it is, John Q. Public. 

Throwing Like a Girl

Mother's Day is many different things to many people but it is probably universally accepted to be the day where everyone pays some sort of tribute to their mommas. I'm not so naive as to believe becoming a mother magically turns a woman into a saint. I know there are plenty of women who have children for selfish reasons--to fill a void, to find love, to save a relationship--all burdens that no child should ever be brought into the world to bear. I also know all too well the hatred and hurt that can be meted out by one who calls herself "mother." But on Mother's Day, we set those wounds aside and try to focus on the beauty of this thing we call motherhood despite the fact that every and any mother brings with them the baggage of their own childhoods.

On Mother's Day of this year, after eating a grilled bratwurst, I found myself smiling at my 10-month- old daughter. I was feeling proud and thankful that my husband and I had survived the last four years.  It may not sound like much-- four years in a lifetime is rather insignificant afterall. But for my husband and I, these last four years tested the very backbone of our relationship. We had survived a bankruptcy due to my husband's business (which he sold to avoid the divorce prospect I had thrown on the table); a lawsuit initiated by the guarantor of my husband's business loan who thought we were simply trying to screw him over because he couldn't  fathom a couple who didn't have access to a "mere" $25,000; my deployment to hell and back only to find out that hell followed me wherever i went, two moves across the State of Iowa, three different houses; one townhome; six new jobs between my husband and I, five new daycare centers for my son, difficulty conceiving for a year to be followed by a miscarriage, the re-onset of my severe depression and countless other moments and events that have made up life for us. But we never gave up on each other, although honestly, I came closer than I would like to admit.  But after it was all said and done, on Mother's Day of this year,  I found myself feeling immensely proud because John and I had held our family together and we had welcomed another beautiful child into this world as a result. 

As I was admiring my amazing daughter, the words "You throw like a girl," ripped me back to reality. I looked over to see my sister-in-law's new boyfriend spitting those words to my sixteen year old nephew. The words were obviously hurled as an insult to a teenaged boy who was playing bean bag toss in the yard. I immediately felt that white hot rage that constantly bubbles below the surface rise inside of me like lava exploding from a volcano. But characteristic of post-Afghanistan Jill, I didn't say a word (See prior posting Crazy Bitch for context). Instead, I just felt sick knowing that my beautiful daughter who smiles from the instant she gets up in the morning until the time she cannot keep her bright eyes open, would grow up in a world where a slovenly man who honestly probably hadn't engaged in anything remotely close to athletics for the past thirty years, didn't think twice about insulting women and their capabilities on the one day we set aside to honor women. 

I have reflected on this moment in time several times since then.  A professional implied to me i was making too big of a deal about it and that plenty of people don't find those words insulting because the reality is that girls pitch differently than boys. But after continued reflection, I disagree. Girls may pitch differently than boys (i.e. throwing underhand instead of overhand). But those five words-you throw like a girl-arent usually said in a way that simply highlights that there are pitching differences between the sexes. Rather, those five little words are said, at worst, as a fucking insult, or at best, as an observation of one's throwing abilities. Either way, if we truly analyze the statement, we all know it is not usually said as a compliment.  And yet, no woman at the backyard barbecue on Mother's Day, said a word about this statement or protested its utterance. We all let it go, if we noticed it at all.  Maybe that's the worst part. Women seem to have given up the fight. Since we now can vote and work for less pay, we seem to have defected from the feminist movement in droves. We accept misogyny as part of our daily lives and by accepting it, we implicitly condone it.

You might be reading this thinking I'm some uptight bitch. Could five words really have such an impact? Could an off hand comment really hold such meaning? Perhaps it is just a phrase born out of legitimate differences between the sexes. I think these justifications are just a way for people to maintain the illusion that misogyny isn't as prevalent as what it is. Misogyny,  if we are truly ready to get real about it, is everywhere in our society.  We may not have to wear burqas in America but all American women have to deal with a less overt form of this hatred of women. In America, it might even be more damaging because we have managed to delude ourselves into thinking there isn't a problem. This means that anyone who identifies it or calls it for what it is can easily be written off as an uptight bitch.

The problem is best illuminated in other contexts. We would all likely consider it homophobic if we heard someone say, "You throw like a homo," or racist if we heard someone say "You throw like an Asian" or "You throw like a Jew."  As a society we seem to know better than to say these things publically. But saying "You throw like a girl" isn't seen as even remotely problematic.  Women have been taught accept such things for fear of being seen as sensitive or of being called that horrible "F" word--Feminist. The issue is, though, by condoning such behavior and not calling it what it is, we allow all our accomplishments and advancements to be rendered inconsequential.   I'm a lawyer, a marathoner, a veteran, a Major, a mother and many other things. But because I'm also a woman, an overweight old guy who by most comparisons is not as successful or accomplished as I am and has never met me before felt no shame in denigrating me and my abilities on Mother's Day, the one day we try to honor women, by uttering five thoughtless words.  Maybe its not a big deal to anyone but me. But I have to wonder if this acceptance by silence contributed in part to the radical form of misogynistic beliefs pronounced by Elliot Rodger.  More on that topic this Friday if you are interested in hearing more. For now, I will try to find my voice again for the sake of my daughter. I can't stand the thought of her spirit being crushed someday when she realizes her accomplishments, no matter what they are, can be reduced to rubble just as quick as some guy can say, "You throw like a girl."