No, Meghan Trainor. It IS NOT "All About That Bass".

Women, I want us to stop giving our power to men. I had a completely different post in mind for the past week and my rage about this topic had me succumb and submit this altogether alternative, albeit timely, post instead. If you read no farther, take that first sentence, think about it and how it applies to your life and our society. If you're a man, read it and think about how it applies to every woman you care about, your life and our society.

No, Meghan Trainor...it IS NOT ALL ABOUT THAT BASS. The first time I heard this song, rage was sparked inside of me (and not just because it's a canned pop song, though, trust me, that added to it). In case you're unfamiliar, here are some of the lyrics:

"Yeah, it's pretty clear, I ain't no size two

But I can shake it, shake it

Like I'm supposed to do

'Cause I got that boom boom that all the boys chase

And all the right junk in all the right places."

And, to add insult to injury:

"Yeah, my mama she told me don't worry about your size

She says, 'Boys like a little more booty to hold at night.'

First of all, I must have missed the girl/woman memo that mentioned that we're "supposed to" "shake it". Now, I'm not naive-I know what this means and, to maintain my integrity and honesty, I have "shaken it" like I was "supposed to do". The fact that I, as a woman in my early 20s, knew what that meant (and let's be honest...that was almost 20 years ago, folks...girls younger than 10 know what it means in 2014), is evidence of a powerful societal norm and expectation in the United States. Why is a woman supposed to shake it? Answer: to attract men. A woman is not supposed to be intelligent or speak her mind or be her authentic self...she is supposed to shake it with her main goal the ever coveted "male attention". So what we have here, in one song lyric, is the message that our goal as women should be to attract a man. Again, NOT to be successful on our own terms, to be an individual, whatever that might look like, to love our selves, to strive for authenticity and inner beauty, male attention be damned...as women, we are told these beautiful goals are subservient to that goal of getting a man.

What makes this song even more heinous is that it has somehow been coronated as an anthem for women's self esteem and acceptance of all women's bodies as beautiful. While I agree with the sentiment and wish that all humans possessed self love for their physical, emotional and spiritual selves, this song says nothing of the sort. This song is an example of the innocuous drivel that tells our girls and women their bodies are beautiful, they are okay, ONLY IN RELATION TO MALE WANTS AND DESIRES. At least in the 1950s, it was in your face and could therefore be recognized and disputed outright. This song has millions of young girls fooled into thinking they are liberated and free from societal, mass media driven images of the perfect female body. Sorry to burst your bubble...nowhere in this song does it say that women are beautiful and amazing and powerful and compassionate and intelligent and love in their own right. The only reason, according to this song, that we don't have to worry about our size is IN RELATION TO MALE WANTS AND DESIRES. Gosh, Meghan Trainor...where would we be if boys didn't "like a little more booty to hold"? Back to square, or should I say size, one, I guess.

As a woman who succumbed to this message in her 20s and, as a result, stifled the amazing, beautiful woman who was actually inside of her, I am enraged to the point of shaking when I hear song lyrics and see messages like this. I'm sick and tired of women giving our power to men. We are good and beautiful and amazing whether men find us that way or not...because WE ARE. If that means we never "get a man" because an unenlightened man in our society can't handle us, fuck it. That should be the message we are sending our girls, our young women, our selves. I want someone to write a song about that.

The other deplorable part about all of this is that we don't only give our power over to men on behalf of our physical selves. We do it with our intellect, our creativity, our way of being in the world. We change our selves so we can be successful "in a man's world". We learn to take on traits valued by men so that we will be valued in the world they have created...and yes, in the United States, men have created the political, corporate, religious, academic and agricultural reality we currently live in. Do not doubt that. To succeed in these male created, male dominated systems, women are often forced to abandon feminine traits, their feminine selves. I've witnessed women do it...it kills our souls. The other alternative is to self select occupations and regions and cultures that value female characteristics and ways of being. Shockingly (insert sarcasm here), in the US, these are frequently niche areas such as sustainable agriculture or underpaid occupations such as teaching or social work. At what point are we going to address and be vocal about the real issue? The issue that the system was created BY MEN, FOR MEN, which makes it comparatively easy for men to succeed and most women destined to fail or fail themselves.

Am I happy that women have become CEOs and US Senators? Of course I am. What I am unhappy with is the systemic male bias our society's political, corporate, academic (which is getting pretty close to corporate these days) and religious entities are built on and the seeming unwillingness for these things to be addressed, even by women. Maybe women are too busy shaking it like we're supposed to. Or maybe women have eaten the poison pill surrounded by red velvet cake that is being shoved down our throats with songs like "All About That Bass". Until women are taught to value self beyond our

relationship to male counterparts and until we start to express our discontent at contorting not only our physical bodies, but our emotional and spiritual ones as well, to fit into this world created by men, for men, we will not be fully liberated or fully valued on our own terms.

“To blame victims for crime is like analyzing the cause of World War II and asking, ‘What was Pearl Harbor doing in the Pacific, anyway'?”

I saw the movie Fury this weekend. Fury, as most of you know, depicts a five-man tank crew operating in Germany toward the end of WWII. There are many many things I liked about the movie. I liked how the movie accurately depicted the atrocity of war.  If you thought the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan was raw, let's just say Fury takes it to the next several levels. I liked how the movie portrayed how war changes a person, even if the director did have to demonstrate that change on a compressed time frame due to American audiences' limited attention spans.  I liked how the movie showed how difficult it can be to follow the Law of War in a place where it is killed or be killed. I liked how a real tank, not a prop, was used in the movie. I liked how when WarDaddy (Brad Pitt) said, "Best job I ever had," I believed him and felt that perhaps the audience could get a small sense of why being in the military really is a uniquely special and rewarding experience despite its quite obvious drawbacks. Perhaps what I liked best was how the movie showed that sometimes people we would consider trashy, dickish, unsophisticated, and poor make the best soldiers.  The movie was very thought provoking and I could go on and on about what the movie got right. BUT, because I'm the resident asshole of this blog, I want to discuss the one thing that was horribly wrong with the movie.

There is a scene where, after taking the town, the US soldiers celebrate. Prostitutes and alcohol and smokes are consumed with reckless abandon. WarDaddy and another soldier named Norman, go into an apartment where they find a woman. The woman is hiding her young cousin and tells WarDaddy it is because she was afraid.  WarDaddy and Norman remain in the apartment and give the women eggs to cook. In the apartment, the sohnds of the party below are heard. Breaking bottles, gun shots, screams, moans, and other sounds of general debauchery waft into the apartment. At one point, Norman plays the piano and the younger girl sings. After the song, WarDaddy tells Norman, "She's a good, clean girl. If you don't take her into that bedroom, I will. " Into the bedroom they go (after Norman grabs his gun).  The older woman walks to the door, presumably to check on the girl or prevent what is inevitably going to happen, but WarDaddy stops her. He says, "No. They are young and they are alive." Not surprisingly, Norman has sex with the girl and eventually the girl and he emerge from the bedroom smiling. The audience found this scene funny.  So why didn't I? Am I some sort of fun-hating, morally righteous ball buster? Possibly, quite possibly I am, but that's not why I found the scene displeasing.

The big issue I had with this scene is that in a realistically visceral and violent movie, this scene was totally and utterly unrealistic. The ludicrous fantasy this scene portrayed stuck out like a sore thumb amidst the harsh realism that dominated the film.  What I mean is that the sex between Norman and the young girl was portrayed as being consensual, and thus, comical when the two youngsters emerged all grins. But, from my perpective, there was no way in hell that sort of a situation could ever lead to true consensual sex. Why not? The girl didn't scream, cry, fight or otherwise resist. Ergo, according to prevailing sentiment, it must have been consensual, right? Well, let's examine that belief. If we know that the girl didn't put up a fight, what else, other than consent could explain that? Well, how about what the other people in the room were doing and implying? Haven't we, up until this point, only looked at what one person was doing or not doing? What about the other party to the transaction, you know, the one who committed the sex act? Why havent we looked at what the other party to this tryst was doing?  If this were a drug transaction,  would we only be concerned with what the buyer was doing or wouldn't we also look at who was selling the drugs? 

Sex crimes are the only crimes where we focus primarily on the victim's behaviors instead of the alleged criminal's actions. Thus, if a victim doesn't resist hard enough or scream loud enough or use the magic word NO enough, that means no crime occurrred. What? Really?  Such a one-sided perspective leaves out the other half of the sexual encounter-the one who is alleged to have committed the crime. And sex crimes are the only crimes we approach in this fashion.

For example, if a person is robbed, as a society we don't ask why the person didn't fight back.  Can you imagine questioning a robbery victim as to why they didn't try to fight off the robber or why they didn't try to wrestle their wallet out of a robber's hands?  In fact, we train people (like bank tellers) to NOT fight back if they are robbed at work.  Contrast this with, if a person is being sexual assaulted, we expect the utmost resistance out of that person and if they don't, we blame them. I have also never heard of the police questioning a robbery victim about what he or she was wearing. For example, if a man is wearing a rolex watch, a $2,000.00 suit and drives a Mercedes, isn't he asking to get robbed? No? Wasn't he just asking for it by advertising his wealth? What about someone who puts their 60 inch TV up so that it can be seen through a window? Doesn't that person really want her TV to be stolen? Shouldn't we be questioning her why she would put her TV up for all to see if she really didn't want it to get jacked? We don't, however, because such lines of thought are illogical. No one wants their TV to be stolen simply because they mounted it on a wall.  No one wants to be robbed simply because they wear fancy clothes and accessories. Yet, these illogical assumptions are made routinely in sex crimes. I believe it is just as illogical when applied to sex crimes. A woman who dresses sexy no more wants to be sexually assaulted than a rich guy in a tailored suit wants to be robbed. But how many times and in how many ways do we teach our daughters how not to get raped, like it is all within their control? How many times have we given the same instruction about how not to get robbed? Taking it one step further, how many times do we instruct our sons on how not to get raped? You see, it is only the women who are blamed for rape. The same crime does happen to men but we aren't instructing the men on how to not be raped. But from the time we are tweens, women learn how not to get raped which implies if we do get raped it was our fault. Don't go out alone at night. Go to the bathroom with a friend. Don't drink too much. Carry mace. Don't dress sexy. Don't go home with strangers. Look under your car before you get in it. The list goes on and on. What do men do to not get raped?  In a course I was at where this question was asked one man replied, "Don't go to prison." Touche. That is the extent of the guidance we give men on how not to get raped.  Only women get the laundry list and, correspondingly, the Lion's share of the blame. I'm reminded of this quote that I once saw posted on a bulletin board on an Army base: "To blame victims for crime is like analyzing the cause of World War II and asking, ‘What was Pearl Harbor doing in the Pacific, anyway?"

So let's re-examine what the soldiers were doing in the sex scene in Fury. Perhaps that will illustrate why I found the portrayal of the sex as consensual patently offensive. First, two soldiers bust into an apartment with guns and find two unarmed women who make clear they are afraid of the soldiers. The soldiers order the women to get hot water and make themselves at home. The entire time, the guns are within arms reach of the soldiers. One of the soldiers makes clear someone is going to screw the girl. The soldier who is going to do the job takes a gun into the room with him. All this, and we are supposed to believe the sex was consensual just because we didn't see tears or hear screams? I don't think so. I know movies aren't always realistic so perhaps I should've let this go. But in a movie where realism infused every single scene, I have to wonder how, or better yet, why the sex scene was so damned wrong.

From a senior to freshmen: enjoy it all

Since I’m a senior (fortunately and unfortunately) and have been having every sort of mixed feeling about graduating in May, I decided it would be appropriate to blog about what advice senior me would give to freshmen me, as well as other newbies entering the college world. 4 years goes really fast (You won’t believe this until you’re beginning your senior year) and A LOT happens within those 4 years, so I could literally ramble on about what wise, intelligent senior Krissie would give to naïve, young, freshmen Krissie; but instead, I will just give my top 10. So, here goes:

 

1)      Not every moment in college is going to be that totally awesome, fun filled moment you see in the movies.

-You’re in college, you’re not in a movie that eliminates every experience that doesn’t glamorize the crazy party college scene. It’s OKAY to not feel overly ecstatic and happy all the time. One thing college has taught me is that you will be exposed to and experience literally every emotion in the book, good and bad. You will go from absolutely loving your life to questioning every aspect about it within a matter of seconds. You will feel sad, angry, self-conscious and fearful, and that is OKAY because although college is really fun and meant to be made the most of, we are still human beings living this rollercoaster of a ride I like to call life.

                2) You will obtain some of the best knowledge outside of the classroom.

-Some of the most valuable life lessons and life experiences I have learned and experienced were not in Calculus or Anthropology. They were from interacting with new people, making mistakes, traveling, being an idiotiotic college student, being a responsible college student, taking chances and having fun. Get your shit done, but don’t let a beautiful, unique experience pass you by in the meantime.

3) Go to class.

                - That being said, referring to point number 2, go to class. Go to the lecture of 100 plus people even though the professor doesn’t take attendance and puts up the lectures online. You can always get more out of the class by actually listening to the professor because there are many things he/she will say that may not be in the lesson plan. You can get to know your professor and his or her teaching style which will help you out in the long run. Above all, lectures are typically no longer than an hour, pull your lazy ass away from your bed and go.

4) Establish good, healthy habits while you’re young.

                - You may be able to maintain your slender physique now, but depending on when your metabolism decides to use the shitter, it WILL catch up to you. Living off of Ramen noodles and pizza bites can be a great thing and even a financial saver, but it is not a sustainable way of living. Once again, turn off the t.v. and hit the gym and limit the Ramen and pizza bites and replace them for a bag of frozen veggies more often.

5) If you don’t fit the mold, don’t try and force yourself to fit it.

                - Simply put, there are many things that you will be exposed to during college. People will drink themselves into oblivion, try many new drugs, and have lots of sex with random people. This does not have to be you. If this isn’t your scene, don’t allow it to be your scene. It’s just another pressure put on us by the media in what college “should” look like.

6) Try new things and embrace the uncomfortableness of them.

                - Study abroad in a foreign country, join a new club, go shooting with a friend at her hometown shooting range for a weekend; you will be offered to participate in many new and exciting adventures during the next four  years and it is all too easy to say no because it may be uncomfortable at first. Trust me, once you get past the uncomfortableness, these experiences will be some of the best you experience throughout college and allow you to bring a whole new ray of stories to the dinner table.

7) College does not give you an excuse to be a complete idiot.

                - Yes, make the most out of your college experience, but realize that the choices you make may have an impact on you for the rest of your life. STDs, a child, and a shitty legal record are things that will follow you forever. One night of fun is not worth a lifetime of consequences.

8) Learn how to manage your finances.

                - Once again, college is a safety net from the real world, but when you’re done, the real world is ruthless. Don’t spend these four years having mommy and daddy managing your bank account without having the slightest idea of how to pay your own bills, car insurance, or being ignorant with saving and managing your own money. College will end and the grip of mommy and daddy’s hands will loosen. Be prepared to go out on your own and understand the difference between the subsidized and unsubsidized student loans you will begin to pay off.

9) Accept that people will come and go out of your life.

                - People will constantly be entering and leaving your life depending on which phase of your life you are in. You will meet both awesome and not-so-awesome people, but regardless once they have fulfilled their purpose in your life, it will be time for them to move on. This can suck and be painful, but understand that with every exit, there will always be many new people to enter your life bringing you joy, stress, anger and happiness. There are 8 billion people on this earth, hell, give yourself the opportunity to meet them all.

10) No one knows what they’re doing with their life after college. Literally, no one.

                - So you’re a sophomore and you haven’t figured out your major OR it’s the day before graduation and you don’t have a job lined up, BIG deal. You’re not alone because everyone else is in the same boat shitting their pants. Remind yourself that you are only 20 some and that you have your whole life ahead of you to figure that out. You will have many experiences to live and shape you which will lead you to the life you are supposed to live. Stress, but don’t overstress about it.

Jumping for Joy

The following post is a subject that I think about often, and it is one that I have been wanting to write about for some time. Honestly, it will probably make an appearance a couple of times in this blog.

My birthday was this past Thursday. I had to work all day at my regular job Thursday, and then I had to teach class until 9:30 PM, so I couldn’t really celebrate it on the actual day. Some of my close friends asked me what I wanted to do to celebrate in lieu of plans on my actual birthday, and almost without thinking, I said, “I want to go to the pumpkin patch!” And so we made plans to go to the pumpkin patch this weekend.

Giant Jumping Pillow...
Had to remove boa as a safety precaution!

I was excited all week for the pumpkin patch. When the day came, I decided to wear a Halloween T-shirt, along with a purple feather boa. I mean, if you are going to the pumpkin patch for your birthday, you should do it in style, right?! I loaded up in the car with four other friends, and off we went to Center Grove Orchard.

We arrived, and I had a great time. We looked at all the animals…we watched the pig races…we raced down the giant slide…we jumped on the giant jumping pillow….we wandered around the corn maze…and of course, we traipsed around the pumpkin fields. I had a fantastic day celebrating my birthday and the loveliness of fall with my friends.

However, I am a bit perplexed by a couple of incidents I noticed in relationship to other adults. Many of the other adults present were there with children, and I noticed that while they encouraged their children to participate in the activities, they seldom participated in them themselves. For example, they would watch them jump on the jumping pillow, but they would stay on the sidelines. They also would help lead their kid up to the top of the giant slide, but instead of going down with the child, they would send their kid off, and they would walk away.

Now, I understand that not everyone loves to go bouncing around on a giant pillow, and I do not want to force them to do so.  I also understand that perhaps they had their hands full with other kids and this prevented them from completely engaging in all of the activities. However, I DO find it difficult to believe that there were not ANY other adults present at the pumpkin patch that wanted to participate in these activities. If this is true, what was stopping them from joining with their kids in the fun?

Before I go on my diatribe, I would also like to relay a similar story. Prior to this weekend, one of my acquaintances asked me what my plans were for my birthday, and I told her about the pumpkin patch. She looked at me with her eyes wide, and she told me, “Oh my gosh. I have been wanting to go, but my friends didn’t want to go with me. They were embarrassed to go without any kids with us.”

I find both of these attitudes confusing and heartbreaking. As I stated earlier, I understand that not everyone is as enthusiastic as I am about jumping on pillows and riding down slides. However, my concern is that there are people that ARE enthusiastic about these events, but they are unwilling to let themselves engage in these activities. Do adults think that they need children as buffers for their entertainment? Do they simply live vicariously through their children in order to enjoy these activities? And then if they don’t have children, they don’t even let themselves enjoy the activity because of the perceived shame and embarrassment associated?

I find this to be completely and utterly ridiculous, not to mention detrimental to our own sense of health and well-being. Sliding down a giant slide is an incredible release of spontaneous joy; it’s an expression of pure delight in a thrilling sensation.  Looking at pigs run around a track is a experience of pure amazement. Wandering around a corn maze is an invitation to imagination as you consider all of the possibilities lying before you. Why would someone hesitate to fully invest in these experiences?

Moreover, I am concerned about the message that this sends to children. The implicit message is, “Enjoy life while you are a kid, but when you are an adult, life is meant to be lived on the sidelines.” I do not want to send this implicit message to any child. Life should be joyous at all ages, and we should be encouraging our kids to continue to participate and create as they grow older. Life is more enjoyable this way, and it also encourages us to experience the joy on our own terms, as opposed to living vicariously through others. 

I am now 29 years old. I have a retirement account. I know how to cook. I work full-time for hospice, and I have watched more people die and pass into eternity than I sometimes care to remember. I also teach part-time for Simpson College. By society’s standards, I am clearly a responsible adult. And. And. And I am also a human being that wants to take delight in living. I dress up in costume for a day at the pumpkin patch. I’ve been known to still do cartwheels, especially when I am on a dance floor and I can’t think of any other dance moves. I clap my hands when I’m excited. I can display many behaviors traditionally associated with a child, AND I can also function as a professional adult. Like most things in life, the two roles are NOT mutually exclusive. 

My wish for everyone is that they would find joy and wonder at life at every age. That they can participate and create in their experiences and take delight in the opportunity. Maybe it’ll be different for everyone, but my wish is that we always look at the world in some form of radical amazement. The wonder and joy are always there; we just have to be willing to get outside of ourselves to find it.

"Our goal should be to live life in radical amazement...to get up in the morning and look at the world in a way that takes nothing for granted. Everything is phenomenal; everything is incredible; never treat life casually. To be spiritual is to be amazed." - Abraham Joshua Heschel