Jill

I don’t know that I have much to say about myself. I’m the second oldest and I have lived up to my birth order traits in that I have always been a bit insatiable, which in turn, causes me to sometimes do things that make absolutely no sense. I feel like I was a problem child compared to the rest of my siblings, and perhaps, to some degree, I still am. I’m searching but for what I do not honestly know.  I’m in my early 40s (seriously how the hell did that happen) and, to date, this decade of my life has been filled with contradictions. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have felt great love, yet deep sorrow; disabling despair yet intense joy; crippling anxiety yet calm peacefulness; severe depression yet immense hopefulness-sometimes all within the same day. I guess I’m experiencing what we would refer to in sports terminology as a “rebuilding year.” Perhaps that explains some of my tumultuous behavior. 

I find myself holding different roles at different times, none of which I think I do particularly well. The most precious role to me is “Mom” to my son, Trevor, and my daughter, Brooklyn. I never thought this is what my life would look like but it’s the only one I’ve got so I’m going with it and striving to be the best version of myself even if this is not what I had pictured. My life has been heavily influenced by my military experiences spanning 21 years. I retired in 2019, and as a result, gave up a large part of my identity. I guess I figured it would be easier to figure out life without the military while in my 40s as opposed to waiting another 10-15 years. In retrospect, if I am honest,  I am not so sure I made the best decision. 

For first time in my life, I feel like I can admit that I truly have no idea where I’m going or what I’m doing and sometimes I don’t even know why I’m doing something I am doing. What used to seem so clear and obvious to me now appears hazy and uncertain. Here is what I do know: If I die tomorrow, I can honestly say, “ Wow, that was one helluva fucking ride.”