I laughed and said, "of course not." This was in March and I thought about the encounter immediately afterward and frequently since then. The naive part of me wondered why someone would think I'd be offended by being called "nice"-something I'm pretty sure used to be a compliment. The not so naive part of me knew that this gentleman must have, at least once, felt the repercussions of someone being offended by the label nice" and maybe even he, himself, had taken it as a less than complimentary adjective. The really not naive part of me can figure out precisely why this dialogue occurred...in our present society (United States, 2014) being nice has somehow become associated with being weak, with being a push over, with being gullible. Go on...I'm sure you can add a few more associations to my list. If you're nice, you're not a bad ass, you are not "in your face" and therefore it is assumed you don't stand up for your beliefs and you let people take advantage of you. You're not aggressive, you're not loud and definitely not powerful. Our society has come to value these traits, in some circles, more than being "nice"-being compassionate and treating each other with respect and love.
I have several thoughts about this way of thinking and, therefore, being, we seem to have latched onto. First, I detest false dichotomies-I think they are harmful and part of me becoming a better person has been purging dichotomous thinking from my thought patterns. "Nice" (and the characteristics I believe it entails-listed above) isn't the opposite of power. "Nice" isn't the opposite of respect or standing up for your beliefs, of not being a doormat. You can be nice AND powerful. Nice AND respected. Nice AND stand firmly for what you believe in and be nice AND have boundaries.
In my experience, I have made the most impact and felt the most empowered all while being "nice". I don't let people say offensive comments around me and I do have boundaries. In my experience, outcomes are more favorable when I address a situation calmly and respectfully and explain why a phrase or action is offensive and unacceptable. This approach has been successful, I think, because there is a "why", an explanation. Respect has been maintained so the person on the receiving end hasn't lost face and/or reacted as defensively (a very natural human reaction to perceived aggression). This allows the person to think about the actual point I made instead of focusing
More importantly, in my experience, being "nice" is for me and my heart as much as it is for the other person. I don't like who I am when I'm not "nice"-if I can make the same point respectfully and calmly, the good part of me is protected and remains intact. The times I have allowed myself to not be so "nice"-the negative energy no only damaged the other person but also the part of me that I love and need to protect.
Like I said, I've been thinking a lot about this. The instance I described in the beginning of this post is not the first time it has been intimated (or directly stated) to me that I am weak or foolish because I am kind. In my contemplation of why this is, I've landed on a couple points I'd like to share. I think that as a result of our society's overt historic and more covert present propensity for diminishing and reviling characteristics associated with the feminine and revering and lauding traits associated with the masculine, "nice"-which in my life has manifested as empathy, respect and compassion-has been denigrated. In a society that rewards aggression, prioritizes the individual to a fault and still rests on a sexist foundation, "nice is defined as "less than". It is interesting to me because I've had this blog topic in mind since March and knew it would be the subject of my next post, even before my last post. The synchronicity of our posts amazes me again, because I think my "nice" post is related to Anne's "strength" post. How we define a word or a trait speaks volumes about our society, our priorities and what we choose to believe as individuals. Is it really more empowering to be negative, snide, rude, cutting, aggressive and loud? In my experience, it often takes more "strength" to be "nice" and the outcome is usually more favorable...so you tell me which way of being is more "powerful".
I'll end by saying I'd like us to examine which behaviors we reward-indivdually and collectively. I'd like us to examine how we define words and traits and what characteristics we attach to them. My wish for us is that we see we don't have to choose between setting boundaries, being respected, not accepting intolerance and being "nice". We can do and be both, and again, in my experience, individually and collectively, we will be better for it.
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