Following the inauguration of President Trump, a Women's March was held in Washington D.C. The purpose of the March was to advocate legislation and policies regarding human rights and other issues, including women's rights, immigration reform, healthcare reform, the natural environment, LGBTQ rights, racial equality, freedom of religion, and workers' rights. Despite the broadly stated purpose, the March soon prompted responses from women who claimed to not support the March because they had never experienced gender bias. The hash tag #notmymarch flooded social media. It left the impression of a divided gender, a divided front. The movement lost credibility as a result of the disagreement. As one man in the Special Forces told me, "You women need to get on the same page."
Initially, I was angry at the women who claimed they had not experienced gender bias. You see, I'm a woman who has never fit neatly in the female category. Growing up, I liked boys toys and most of my friends were boys. I was a girl picked first for kick ball on the playground, not last. I cried when I had to get a bra because I did not want to be a woman-in my small town that meant you just had babies and got married and I wanted so much more. I was punished dearly in my small town for being who I was. The girls in my elementary school became increasingly mean to me as they began to be interested in dating and I did not. One of my best friends who was a boy had to hide our friendship from his boy buds or else he would have faced ridicule. One year in either fourth or fifth grade, I had a hot pink winter coat that I was particularly proud of. I was proud of it because it was pretty and even though I liked boy things, I also did like pretty things like most girls do. Someone took a scissors and destroyed my new coat while it was hanging in the locker room. I was devastated. You see we were poor and I knew I would not be able to get another pretty pink coat. Even today this memory bothers me. Why would someone ruin the one pretty thing I had? What sort of hatred makes a person do that to someone else? I knew, even back then, that gender bias was hurtful, harmful and very effective.
And yet, I still could not entirely conform to gender norms because that was not who I was. I went on to join the Army and work in male dominated professions where I continued to encounter various forms of gender bias. You see, I can lift as much weight as a man and run faster than many men in my unit. I can't and won't change these things even when I am unwelcomed. I like shooting weapons and being strong physically. When my husband and I first started dating, I remember we went snowmobiling together and got a snowmobile stuck. He said we would have to leave it and get help because we wouldn't be able to move it. I told him, "The fuck we can't." We tried it and lifted the snowmobile together. He was in utter shock. Just the other day he told me, "You know, people have no idea how strong you are." He is amazing and I'm so lucky to have such an understanding and non-threatened husband.
It also means I can't and won't be a traditional woman. I won't deny myself that and will not let anyone else deny me that either, no matter what gender they are. So even today, subtle bias pervades my work day. As a result, I was incredulous when these women on social media started claiming they believed they had the same opportunities as men, or worse, did not believe women were entitled to the same opportunities. How could they say this when there us research that affirmatively demonstrates women are paid less or experience the mommy penalty in the workplace after having children? How could they not want at least a choice in pursuing these opportunities? How could they assume I would make a good stay at home mom because I was born a woman? Because trust me, my kids would probably be irreparably harmed if this asshole stayed home with them. Brooklyn would be telling people to "Eat a dick," at age 3 and Trevor would be the 9 year old kid teaching all his friends how to string balls, fuckface and cock sucker together in a sentence. I would also be an asshole because I am terrible at unstructured child play. I can play sports and games but ask my to build legos or play babies and I'm totally flummoxed. So you see, it is better if my kids get me in smaller doses. It keeps them normal and me sane. And if you think otherwise, you probably don't know me and my demons.
I have pondered on this topic for the past three months. What I have realized, however, is that as women, we hurt ourselves in believing that our own experiences are the universal truth. Instead of incredulity, today, I am happy that there are women who have never felt the sting of discrimination. Instead of tearing these women down, which is so typical of our gender, I want to support and acknowledge their experience, not convince them they are wrong or imply and assume they have lived within gender norms or are too entrenched in patriarchy to recognize it. If they haven't experienced bias, that is awesome. It gives me hope for what may eventually be my or my daughter's experience. But, because I'm a selfish asshole, I also want the same back. My experience as a non-traditional mother, wife, soldier, lawyer, and daughter has not been easy. No one has the right to deny me that. It is MY experience and MY truth. It may be different than yours but it did happen and I have experienced it, sometimes with much emotional pain and distress.
As I thought back to what my Special Forces friend said to me I realized he was wrong. Women don't need to want the same thing. But we do need to stop trashing those who want something different. We don't have to all be on the same page, we just have to support each other. Fuck, I don't think all men are on the same page and the fact that my friend said that to me implies that some men believe all women are the same, when we clearly are not. And so we need to change the dialogue. Instead of #notmymarch, which divided us and only made it easier for patriarchy to prevail, perhaps we could change it to #notmyexperience, which would leave open the possibility that our experiences as women are not universal. That slight modification at least subtly recognizes that as women our experiences are as vast and diverse as we are and we aren't all the same nor want the same things.
I am reminded of the Iroquois story of the Peacemaker. The Iroquois tell a story about how they were at war until the Peacemaker brought the original Five Nations together: "he demonstrated the confederacy’s strength in unity by first taking one arrow and breaking it, then bundling five arrows together and showing how the bundle could not be broken." The Iroquois confederacy was cited as an example to emulate by founding fathers such as Benjamin Franklin, and the arrows still appear today in places such as the Onondaga seal and the 2010 US $1 coin. Women of America, I implore you to always remember the moral of this blog--united we stand, divided we fall.
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