The Bang and Let Go Kind of Girl

Holaa everyone. I’m going to be completely honest here in saying that I never know how to begin these blog posts. It’s like, do I start off with a legit introduction sentence like I would in an essay orrrrr do I just ramble a little bit for the first paragraph until I finally tell everyone what I’m going to write about? I guess this time I chose the ladder. The hardest part about writing for this blog is honestly choosing what to write about, which is probably why I’m still babbling, but okay okay I will shut up and cut to the chase.

So anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, I am 21, about to graduate college, very loud and outspoken, and oh yeah, I’ve never been in love before. I never had that high school sweetheart that I gave myself to and then later he broke my heart, nor have I met what many people think will be their future spouse in college. Needless to say I have had flings with people before, but I have never been in a committed relationship.

Now, most recently I was out with a few of my friends and I was complaining to one of my close guy friends about the dating habits of guys my age today. I was complaining about how guys think it is okay to get shitfaced drunk and then proceed to call a girl at bar close to either get some late night “lovin” or to simply have someone to cuddle up to at the end of the night. This is today’s modern form of dating (too many blog posts on this topic already) and I was complaining about this fucked up dynamic we have created and instead of playing into it, saying that I would not be one of those girls to answer that 2 a.m. phone call.

My friend didn’t really agree with me and said that it just seems that that’s how most dudes operate. “You’re the one that doesn’t let dudes in,” he followed up with. “You strike me as the bang and let go kind of girl.” Now, you can probably see where I would be a little offended hearing these statements but to be honest, I really wasn’t offended because I’ve been hearing this shit since I was old enough to kiss a guy.

The annoying part of hearing stuff like “you seem sexually experienced” or “you just have that face that seems like you’d be down to fuck” is that people who say this kind of stuff are judging me based solely on what I show on the surface. I wear makeup, I’m a bit sassy, I swear a little too much and I’m not afraid to tell someone what I’m thinking.  I’m not quiet or soft and can shoot the shit back at the guys. Oh yeah, so that immediately makes me a slut.

I was kind of taken aback by the statements my friend said because one day I truly do want to fall in love with someone and find that person as weird as I am. In the meantime, however, I am not just going to settle for Joe Schmo just for the sake of being in a relationship. People continuously tell me that I don’t let guys in, but let me tell you, no guy has tried that hard to get in or break down the walls that I put up. No guy has persistently tried to get to know me, hell, no guy has actually even asked me out on a real date! (I know that’s asking a lot for my generation)

I do let people see the soft, vulnerable sides of me (my sisters, close friends, and maybe a boyfriend one day), but it takes a lot for me to do that, and maybe it does for everyone, but I’m not willing to just throw that part of me out there for just anyone and I think that’s okay. This is probably the reason I haven’t been “attached” to anyone, but I think that at this point in my life I’m better off this way. I think it’s healthy that I’m not in an unhealthy relationship because based on my track record of going for some real winners, I would probably be attached to someone and stuck in a fucked up relationship.

I also had no clue what a good relationship looked like up until I was 20 years old. My parents’ marriage was nearing the end by the time I was born, so I grew up in an environment with a very cold atmosphere. I never saw them kiss or complement each other and at age 6 I thought it was completely and utterly normal for parents to not sleep in the same bed. I thank God that I have older sisters to show me what a loving relationship looks like. My second oldest sister, Jill, has been happily and not so happily married to her husband John for 8 years now. I say happily and not so happily because those two have shown me that marriage is full of love and sometimes hatred, but through both feelings you’re going to have to get through it with each other because you made a promise to one another. Molly is going to be married this May and I thank her because she has shown me that it is okay need your spouse and also be needed. Sometimes you will be the caretaker and other times you will be the one getting taken care of and there is no shame in either of those.

So, I guess I am a little bit skeptical of opening up to someone because up until recent years, I have only seen the cons in doing so andI guess now that I have seen what a good relationship looks like; I

know what I want to “attach” myself to. If I’m going to open up with a chance of me possibly getting my heart broken, you can bet your ass it’s going to be with a person worth it.

I guess the entire point of this blog post was to get your guys’ opinions, though. Do you guys think that it’s strange, healthy, unhealthy, etc. that I’m 21 years young and have never been in love or attached myself to anyone? What factors allow you to open yourself up to certain people and not with others? I would love to know your thoughts, as this is a question I am constantly struggling with and over analyzing just a hair too muchJ.