Chicken Limbo

Hey ya’ll, so it’s currently 5:25 a.m. and I am just beginning to write my blog post for the week. It’s dark, cold and my 12:30 p.m. test about contemporary environmental issues which most definitely is not at the top of my give a fuck list is just looming over my head. Either way, I will be prepared for the test while simultaneously completing my blog post all before 11:30 a.m.

For those of you who don’t know me very well, I am a senior at the University of Iowa meaning I am graduating this upcoming semester. Unlike most seniors, I actually have a clue and am familiar with what the next steps I am going to take in my life will look like. This past year (junior year), I randomly decided to apply for early admissions as a core member for Teach for America. I applied with the attitude of “If I get in, great. If I don’t get in, well, this wasn’t my ultimate goal in life.” The application and interview process turned out to be a 5 step process ranging from a simple submission of an online application to a full blown interview requiring you to teach lesson plan and do a little teacher-principal role play.

Well, oddly it turns out that I apparently have this natural knack for teaching orrrrrr I’m just really good at acting. I guess that’s something that I won’t discover until I actually have my own classroom full of kids with legitimate lesson plans posted on the chalky blackboard. Anyway, after spontaneously going out on a limb and applying to teach for a nonprofit organization that advocates for equal education for all children around the United States, I was accepted as a 2015 upcoming core member in May of 2014 and officially accepted my position with them in October of 2014. I am currently assigned to teach in Memphis, TN and could teach a variety of subjects K-8 grade or teach Spanish for grades 6-12. I will not know the actual grade, subject or school I will be teaching at until after my 8 week certification is completed this summer. Either way though, folks,  I better get used to corn meal and southern accents because come June I will be saying goodbye to the only state I have ever known and saying hello to a very exciting, strange place that I will call home for at least the next two years.

Senior year of college has been one of my favorite and least favorite years in college. It has been my favorite because as always my friends and I have mastered the art of being able to “YOLO” and still get our shit done. The friends I have made in college have been an awesome support system for me the past four years; have seen me cry, laugh, throw tantrums, and release bodily functions, etc. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to go through a time of instability and growth with. On the other hand, senior year has been my least favorite year because it’s as if I am constantly on a giant rollercoaster of emotions and the ride worker forgot about me while taking a smoke break.

Senior year of college is exciting, terrifying AND most importantly confusing. It is exciting because it is your last year at a school you have so much pride for and the day which seemed forever away on your first day of chemistry freshmen year is rapidly approaching. It is terrifying because most college seniors have no idea what they’re going to do after college and living with Mom and Dad for a few months after escaping their reach for four years is the last thing anyone wants to do. It is also terrifying if you do know what you will be doing after college because it only makes your entrance into the real world more absolute. Finally, the emotion I struggle the most with this year, confusion. Senior year is confusing because one second of the day I literally am thinking about how much I cannot wait to graduate and move on to the next exciting adventure of my life and then another second of the day I’m crying because a time in which I have learned so much about myself and others around me, experienced great and awful experiences and met some of the closest people in my life, is all coming to an end. It’s like you have the door to the future halfway cracked open and can see the amazing view in which it leads to, but can’t seem to find your shoes to actually leave your front door step. This feeling of being caught in between two places is transition. You’re working on taking a leap from one stage of your life into the next and this is very, very uncomfortable for a majority of people.

I struggle with this time of transition because a part of me wonders how invested I should remain with my current life as a last semester senior in college. Is it worth it to go to school activities and meet new people or get coffee with that cute boy who sits next to you during class when in 4-5 short months all of this will be a distant memory? Then the other part of me wants to take it to the opposite extremes and doesn’t even want to think about the next steps in my life and only focus on the present. I want to spend quality time with the people who are close to me, drink way too much alcohol, try some things I wouldn’t normally try and simply enjoy the little time I have left here because once again, after 4-5 short months all of this will be a distant memory.

As graduation literally tugs at my shoulder, I have gotten better and more comfortable with both of these dissonant emotions and that I do not need to separate one from the other and in fact, when in a period of transition, the two feelings of wanting to let go and not wanting to let go are not necessarily distinguishable from one another. I have accepted this feeling of being in the middle of two life points and with talking to other people who have experienced this and are going to experience this, I understand that it is normal to feel happy, sad, afraid, uncomfortable and every other feeling in between.

I think the most uncomfortable feeling about transition is not knowing what exactly is going to happen. What if I move to Chicago and absolutely hate my new job? What if I lose touch with some of the greatest people I have met so far in my short life? What if I can’t pay off my student loans? How do I deal with and approach this new relationship that recently developed? The questions people ask themselves during a period of transition are all legitimate questions and ones that are appropriate to be concerned about, however, the answers are unobtainable until you quit actually asking the “what ifs” and just live and do. You won’t know how you will like the new job until you do it. You won’t know if you like a new city until you move there and you most certainly won’t know about how change will affect your relationships until the change actually occurs.

And college seniors let me tell you, this is all OKAY. We don’t have to have everything figured out by the time we walk across that stage and receive our diplomas. My eldest sister told me that there are times in our life for answers while some are for questions and when it’s time for the questions, we have to get okay with sitting with them and not knowing. The unknown and vulnerability of what we are experiencing and are about to experience is absolutely terrifying and extremely uncomfortable, but it is also in these moments that the best things come out of.

So, college seniors or anyone currently going through a period of transition, my advice to you as well as me is to enjoy the ride. Enjoy every moment you have left of the life you currently know with the attitude that the next phase in your life will be just as great, if not better. Think when it’s necessary but try not to over think. Live and let life direct you to where you need to be for it is in this journey that you will often find the answers. <3

Ode to Des Moines (French for "The Moines")

If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be happily living in Des Moines in my late twenties, I would have laughed at you a bit scathingly.  Consequently, this is a blog post about the limits of our own knowledge and the grace of the universe.

I originally lived in the Des Moines area while I attended college at Simpson for four years, and then for another additional year when I completed a year of service with AmeriCorps. I did not technically live in Des Moines during these years; I lived in Indianola. However, I went to Des Moines at least 3-4 times a week for one reason or another. I enjoyed Des Moines while I went to college, but by the time I was finished with my year of AmeriCorps, I was beyond ready to leave. Everything felt so tired to me- I was done going out in the downtown, I was done running into classmates from high school and college all the time, and I was done with the Midwest. In hindsight, I have the wisdom to realize that it wasn’t the city itself that I resented; rather, it was simply that I needed a change of scene so that I could have space to grow after college. However, at the time, I was beyond ready to leave the city of Des Moines behind.

And so I moved to Nashville, TN for three years while I completed my Master of Divinity degree. And afterward, I was once again faced with the decision of where to live. I had originally thought that maybe I would move somewhere glamorous, such as Seattle. I could get certified as a pastoral counselor there, and I had visions of myself living a cosmopolitan life filled with organic food, coffee, and the ocean. Another option…maybe I would pursue further academic work with a PhD!!! I could live in Dallas, Boston, Denver or Atlanta. All of the cities that offered a PhD in my field were some of the most well known in the country; they would certainly offer new, exciting adventures.  Or…worst case scenario…maybe I would stick around Nashville for a bit longer. I could continue to live in the country music capital of the world, and my imagination turned to visions of myself wearing the requisite cowboy boots that I had since neglected to purchase.

 None of those options happened. I have no doubt that if I had wanted any of them badly enough, or if they had been a right fit for me, that they would have easily transpired. But they didn’t. A series of events during my last year or grad school changed the opportunities available. (A story for another day, perhaps!) It’s hard to explain without going into extraneous details, but moving back to Des Moines just felt like the only feasible option available after graduation. I wasn’t necessarily dreading it, but it definitely was not what I had dreamed or planned for myself. Nevertheless, I had received a one-year job offer as a chaplain resident for Methodist Hospital, and so I decided to take it. I would live in Des Moines for a year, collect my bearings, and I would decide what to do from there.

In the end, moving back to Des Moines was a unique combination of a “breath of fresh air” mixed with the comforting feeling of “home.” And after living here 2.5 years as an adult, I have grown to absolutely adore and love this city.

I love the size of the city. On the one hand, it’s small for a city, and this means that it’s relatively simple and quick to travel from one side of the city to the other. For me, this actually means I can take advantage of more of the city’s opportunities because I have the time and ease to travel to them. For example, I can go to hockey games at the downtown Wells Fargo arena, and it doesn’t take a significant time commitment to do so. Additionally, it doesn’t take me long to get to and from work, and this means that I have more energy and time to commit to social engagements after work. And I love that three of my closest friends live within walking/biking distance of my own apartment, and I can run over and say “hello” whenever I like. 

And yet. Des Moines is also large enough that it has some amazing cultural resources. I still maintain that Des Moines has some of the best Indian and Mexican restaurants that I have ever had. We are one of the regional sites for the 2016 NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament. We actually have a pretty amazing aerial/circus arts entertainment industry; we are the host for the 2015 aerial exposition and competition. Oh, and of course, we always have the Iowa State Fair, which is on the coveted “1000 Things to Do Before You Die” list. J

And for me personally, it has provided me with professional opportunities that I could have never imagined. I’m finished with the original chaplain residency that led me to Des Moines, and I’m now the bereavement coordinator/chaplain for UnityPoint Hospice. This job is a perfect fit for me for so many reasons, and it was through my original experience as a resident at the hospital that I was led to my present position. And…I’m also an adjunct instructor for my alma mater, Simpson College! This is an opportunity that I’m fairly certain that I would not have come by in another city. I happened to run into one of my former professors, and she asked me about doing it. I did not have to go through a crazy interview process or much hassle in order to do it. Ironically, I always thought I would have to pursue my PhD to be able to teach, and then I ended up having the opportunity presented to me primarily through connection and happenstance.

I think that I have a couple of main points from all of this:

1)   I’m not saying that everyone should move to Des Moines, or that I couldn’t necessarily find some of these elements in other cities. My point is that I have had some amazing connections in this city, and I feel very invested in contributing to the flourishing of the community. I want that for myself, and I want that for others as well. For me, that community happens to be Des Moines. I love that I feel so fulfilled by my two careers. I love that I have many good friends here, and that if I had the energy, I could have social plans every night of the week. I love that I play in a weekly volleyball league. I love that I joined TGR and I’m doing circus fitness now. For whatever reason, the universe came together for me here, and it enabled me to have meaningful social and professional connections.  I don’t mean to sound like I’m bragging. Believe me, if you were one of those individuals that had seen the wreck I was 3 years ago, you are probably clapping your hands right now as you read this post. I was due for some synergy.

2)   I think that this brings me to my overall second point. Many of the best things that have happened to me in my life were those that were either accidents OR things that I didn’t even realize that I wanted. My college self could have never imagined finding fulfillment in Des Moines, and I probably couldn’t have found it at that point in my life. I always thought that I wanted my PhD because I loved intellectual engagement, and I wanted to teach. However, it turns out that a life pursuing academia is not fulfilling for me, and I did not even realize it. I didn’t know this, however, until I was led past academia into living professionally in Des Moines, and I realized how much more fulfilled I was by a more well-balanced life.  It turns out that while I still value and enjoy intellectual stimulation, I prefer to spend my time with friends and hobbies as opposed to writing papers. And ironically…I still have teaching opportunities, even without my PhD. Life, God, and the universe can speak to us fairly loudly sometimes. And I think it’s great when we open ourselves up to things we had never imagined, and we let them speak.

If you live in Des Moines, what are your favorite things about the city? Have you ever had to eat your words before? Have you ever been surprised about where you were led in life?

P.S. Worst thing about Des Moines? The weather. I despise winter here. Although, to be fair, that would be my answer for any city above the ol’ Mason-Dixon line. J

  

The Emperor Has No Clothes

I was supposed to teach a course yesterday to members of the Massachusetts National Guard on Suicide Intervention out in Western Massachusetts. Needless to say, the course was canceled due to another FOOT or more of snow that we received on top of the TWO FEET we were hammered with last week. I was somewhat disappointed that the course was canceled because I was kind of excited to teach it for various reasons. First and foremost, I feel passionate about the subject matter. Did you know that according to a study by the Department of Veterans Affairs, approximately 22 Veterans die by suicide every day? Did you know that the suicide rate per 100,000 in 2013 was 28.9% for National Guard Service Members? Those are pretty astonishing numbers given that the national suicide rate for the United States is around 12%.

Additionally, despite a significant surge in training and awareness around the subject, the suicide rate for Reservists actually INCREASED in 2013. One of the ways in which the National Guard has responded to the issue is to train a certain number of Soldiers within the units to be “Suicide Intervention Officers.” Even though EVERY Soldier is trained via the ACE Program (Ask, Care, Escort) to intervene if his or her battle buddy may be suicidal, the Suicide Intervention Officers have additional training and resources. Suicide Interventions Officers are not only trained via the ACE Program but also through a two-day program called ASIST- Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training. This is an empirically, research-based program developed by LivingWorks Education that has been used for over 30 years. It is highly effective and in my opinion, a very good program. In November I was trained as an ASIST Trainer meaning that I can now teach Soldiers how to be Suicide Intervention Officers.

So anyway, back to the story on how I was disappointed the course was canceled. This would have been my second ASIST course for which I was an assistant trainer. After teaching my first course back in January, I realized I actually REALLY enjoy teaching, especially if I know the material and feel confident about the subject. As I already stated, I am passionate about preventing suicide. I also really enjoy teaching this course because it is somewhat of a break from the “normal” military type of operations. In fact, all trainers and participants in the course are required to wear civilian clothes. Uniforms and ranks are not authorized at all over the two day period and I enjoy dressing up outside of the uniform every once in awhile. That creates an interesting dynamic amongst people who wear the uniform almost every single day of their lives for almost 20 years. People are a little shocked at first when a Captain calls them by their first name or introduces herself as “Molly.”

There are several different reasons behind why uniforms and ranks are not authorized during the training. I agree with all of them but will not elaborate on all of them here. One of the reasons, which may seem obvious to readers, is that many personal beliefs and experiences revolving around suicide are discussed during the two day period. The ASIST program’s success lies in the fact that it is based around group discussion and participation. It makes it easier to enable discussion and promote learning around a very sensitive subject when participants are not looking at ranks or dropping a “Sir” or a “Ma’am” every other sentence. I completely agree with this and have witnessed numerous highly emotional story sharing sessions as both a participant and a trainer. Taking off the uniform, so to speak, for training purposes allows people to share their stories and give all the not-so-pretty details about their lives to another person (theoretically) without fearing any judgment or dealing with the invisible barrier to conversation that the uniform or rank may create. Unfortunately, as Suicide Intervention Officers, Soldiers are embedded within the units and are most likely going to be wearing the uniform AND rank if and when they are approached by a Soldier who may have thoughts of suicide. Yes, they could be approached in civilian clothes off duty, but a majority of the time, especially as National Guard Members, we see each other over drill weekends in uniform. As Soldiers, we are taught to fight like we train so the whole no uniforms, no rank thing got me thinking…

There are legitimate reasons behind why we wear uniforms and why we have a rank structure in the military. Many professions require its members to wear uniforms. We cannot get rid of our uniforms so how can we notionally remove our uniforms and ranks thereby removing those subtle barriers to conversation and promoting a safe, story sharing environment? How can we make ourselves approachable by Soldiers even though we wear a uniform with rank? How do we create an environment where Soldiers feel safe confiding in us and asking for assistance with any problem they may have, not just suicide? Is taking off our uniforms and ranks the only way to create such an environment? Should we teach more subjects using the ASIST restrictions against wearing uniforms? Should we hold more meetings, trainings, and outings with our Soldiers in civilian clothes? No, I don’t think that is quite necessary and I am being a little facetious.  However, I think it is something to ponder. I think as leaders, as humans even, we can create such an environment without literally having to strip ourselves down.

To that end, I think that learning how to metaphorically strip yourself down is a life-long process that is never ending and never perfected and I definitely don’t have all the answers for how to do it. However, I do feel that it’s about exposing your vulnerable, “naked” self and allowing the other person (i.e. the person or Soldier who may be confiding in you) to really see YOU not your uniform, rank, badges, certifications, awards, titles, degrees, etc, etc, etc. It’s about not hiding behind possessions and accomplishments in order to avoid accidentally revealing a weakness. It’s about LISTENING instead of TALKING all the time. Let me tell you, most people with problems just want somebody to listen in this world that won’t stop talking. They don’t give a shit about your degrees or other qualifications so stop talking about yourself. It’s about being HUMBLE and learning HUMILITY - not thinking less of yourself necessarily but thinking of yourself less.

Anyway, I’d love to hear from you! In which environments do you feel safe sharing your story? How do we create these types of environments? How do we strip down from our uniforms and ranks without literally taking them off? Do you create these types of environments in your respective work place? How do we create these kind of environments for our families?

More than a Spectator

It is my first post of 2015. I will admit I am a little disappointed in myself because I don't have any earth shattering topics to discuss at the moment. For the most part we had a pretty uneventful weekend. We went to a car show, had a few beers at the old Mattress Factory, we took the kids to see the Paddington movie, and we went for a walk around the lake. The most excitement came on Sunday, when both of the kids were so horrible in church that I wanted to shrink down into the pew so I would not be associated with the terrors my kids had both morphed into immediately upon crossing the threshold to the church.

While we were originally going to go to De Soto Bend, that got thrown out the window as a consequence for the church fiasco when my son laughed out loud no less than 3 times and managed to surreptitiously eat all of Brooklyn's snacks out of her bag leaving her with none in the middle if a meltdown of near epic proportions. So instead of going to De Soto, we headed home where I spent the day doing experiments with Trevor with magnets and iron fillings that ultimately ended up on the floor and were impossible to clean up. (Thanks Magic School Bus!). Afterwards, the kids rode around on John's back (sometimes both at the same time) until it was time for bath part deaux since Trevor decided to "forget" washing his hair the night previously as he was in a hurry to continue watching a movie about mice getting flushed away. Apparently, it's a real barn burner so much so that personal hygiene had to be thrown out the window.

I am a little embarrassed to share all of this because it makes it sound as if my life is very boring.  We are not gone every weekend. My children do not have activities scheduled for every waking hour of their day. We have made the choice to not force or push our children into activities. My philosophy is that while the kids are young they should try many different things to figure out their own likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. Trevor, who is six, knows the rules, and when she is old enough Brooklyn, who is 18 months, will also know them: If you try something, you have to finish the season but it is their choice as to whether they go out again the following year.  We have exposed our son to wrestling, soccer, baseball, gymnastics, boy scouts and Taekwondo.  He has expressed, however, that he does not really like any of these activities except for soccer, boy scouts and Taekwondo and even then an activity once a week is plenty for him. I am "okay" with this because my life does not revolve around whether my child is in the first grade basketball championship.

Many people say that their children's involvement in activities is driven by the kids. That maybe true and maybe my kid is just different and that is OK.  However, I have to wonder how much of it can really be independently kid driven. Or, is it based upon the affirmations the children receive from their parents for participating in the activities? Children have an innate desire to please their parents. So is it really kid driven if they are doing it to please mom and dad? Similarly, if it is the only time the children get to spend with their parents, then I suspect the child will stay out for that activity no matter what just so he or she can spend time with their parents. Or if younger siblings see the attention the older child gets for their participation, then do they also want to participate, not for the love of the activity, but for the attention it necessarily brings?

I also have to wonder what this cycle of constant activity does to the parents. I see parents looking haggard as they run from one activity to the next. I think to myself, is this really what it means to be a parent? To be a glorified chauffeur? Is having family dinner out of a paper bag from McDonalds really in the best interest of our families? Is this why, when kids leave for college some parents wake up and find themselves next to a stranger? Do we, as parents, encourage this over-scheduling because we do not really know what else to do with our children? For me, being haggard and tired usually means I am shorter and less patient with my children. I don't want that. I don't like that person. I like the mom who has time to laugh at her son's silly jokes. (Example: mom, am I saying Okay or spelling OK? Ok.) I like the mom who when she gets home from work has the energy to play hide and go seek with her children. I like the mom who can take her children to Paddington. I like the mom that goes to Sky Zone and jumps around on the trampolines with her children instead of sitting on the sidelines.

Yet, I worry that I am making a mistake because sometimes I feel as if my husband and I stand alone in this philosophy. We rarely see other families walking around the lake. When it is nice outside, we are one of only a handful of couples that can be seen playing with their children outside. We have asked other couples and families to do things, but the response is invariably the same: We have basketball, wrestling, practice, etc this weekend. I don't rule out that this may just be an excuse to avoid getting together with with people they don't particularly like (meaning us). But I also think a great majority of the time, it is likely true as well as a convenient excuse.

Don't get me wrong. I do recognize that activities teach children important lessons about life. But I also think there is value in learning how to enjoy and spend free time. I don't want to teach my child how to be stressed out all the time running from event to event. I don't want to teach my child that free time is a bad thing. I think there are important lessons to be learned in the family unit, too, and that these can't be learned if the family never truly functions as a unit. But, most importantly, I want to be more than just a sidelines spectator in my children's lives.

The Power of Words

I saw the movie Selma last week-I wanted to see it before Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a tribute to a man I find inspirational, beautiful, compassionate, peaceful, loving and courageous. I understand there are questions of certain historical accuracies and I am not going to get into those. What I think is undeniable is what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. did for the people of this country and for the world.

He died for the cause of justice and equality at age 39 and he had achieved so much by then. It made me wonder and think about what I fight for in my life and what people in this country fight for and are inspired by. We can't all be the face of a national or international revolution or cause and it is very sobering to think about what some people have accomplished by a young age and reflect on one's own life in comparison.

In thinking about these things, I thought of two quotes I find inspirational and true. The first is from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: " Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." The second is from Mahatma Ghandi: "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." These quotes provide the foundation from which this blog post is written...it is one I've wanted write for a while and I thought the week during which we honor Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a perfect time for this post.

I want to talk about the power of words. I think one of the most erroneous adages is "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me". I understand the intent behind the words and I understand that maybe it's freed some people to let other people's hurtful words "roll off their back". That said, I disagree with it for the most part. I think in our current society, we do not think about words--what they mean, how we use them and how very powerful they are.

We have talked before in this blog about harmful cliches like "you throw like a girl", "cry like a girl" and other demeaning, sexist phrases. I would like to broaden the discussion. I think as a person of conviction that if I stand firmly against using these derogatory terms, it is my responsibility to remove other harmful language from my daily usage. Let me give you a few examples.

About 5-10 years ago, the phrase"oh, that's so gay" came into usage to denote that something sucked or was lame. I admit to having said it around that time...until I thought about what was actually being communicated through the casual use of that flippant word choice. Dubbing something we don't like as "gay" equates gay with something that is less than and is derogatory to the gay community. Once I realized that, I eradicated the phrase from my vocabulary.

Sometimes words and phrases have become so accepted and ingrained in our language that they go unnoticed. An example is the use of the word "pussy" to chide someone who is fearful or lacks a backbone or basically is just doing something we deem, once again, "less than". I have heard women use the word...women who are feminists and are (rightfully) pissed off when they hear someone say "throw like a girl" and other phrases of that ilk throw around the word pussy, oftentimes, without blinking an eye. Because it is such a common usage of the term, the use and the damage frequently goes unnoticed and unaddressed. I chose these two examples to illustrate my point but there are numerous examples of this unfortunate reality.

I liken the use of these terms to chronic toxicity. Casual use of these words and phrases and the repeated exposure to them over the course of time chips away at a person's heart, soul and self esteem. It also works to damage an entire people's collective consciousness.

This brings me back to the two quotes I mentioned earlier...I believe that if I do not want sexist terms to be used casually and not so casually, it is my responsibility to be conscious of and deliberate about the words and phrases I allow in my vocabulary. What we, as a society and individual people, deem as acceptable language is a form of justice.

If I ask for justice for my gender, I want to ask for it for everyone and practice daily justice in my own personal life. I will do and be the change I wish to see in this world. In the same way chronic toxicity can kill slowly over time, positive changes on a daily basis accrue to make this world more just for all of us...and that is something each of us has the power to do every day.

The Bang and Let Go Kind of Girl

Holaa everyone. I’m going to be completely honest here in saying that I never know how to begin these blog posts. It’s like, do I start off with a legit introduction sentence like I would in an essay orrrrr do I just ramble a little bit for the first paragraph until I finally tell everyone what I’m going to write about? I guess this time I chose the ladder. The hardest part about writing for this blog is honestly choosing what to write about, which is probably why I’m still babbling, but okay okay I will shut up and cut to the chase.

So anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, I am 21, about to graduate college, very loud and outspoken, and oh yeah, I’ve never been in love before. I never had that high school sweetheart that I gave myself to and then later he broke my heart, nor have I met what many people think will be their future spouse in college. Needless to say I have had flings with people before, but I have never been in a committed relationship.

Now, most recently I was out with a few of my friends and I was complaining to one of my close guy friends about the dating habits of guys my age today. I was complaining about how guys think it is okay to get shitfaced drunk and then proceed to call a girl at bar close to either get some late night “lovin” or to simply have someone to cuddle up to at the end of the night. This is today’s modern form of dating (too many blog posts on this topic already) and I was complaining about this fucked up dynamic we have created and instead of playing into it, saying that I would not be one of those girls to answer that 2 a.m. phone call.

My friend didn’t really agree with me and said that it just seems that that’s how most dudes operate. “You’re the one that doesn’t let dudes in,” he followed up with. “You strike me as the bang and let go kind of girl.” Now, you can probably see where I would be a little offended hearing these statements but to be honest, I really wasn’t offended because I’ve been hearing this shit since I was old enough to kiss a guy.

The annoying part of hearing stuff like “you seem sexually experienced” or “you just have that face that seems like you’d be down to fuck” is that people who say this kind of stuff are judging me based solely on what I show on the surface. I wear makeup, I’m a bit sassy, I swear a little too much and I’m not afraid to tell someone what I’m thinking.  I’m not quiet or soft and can shoot the shit back at the guys. Oh yeah, so that immediately makes me a slut.

I was kind of taken aback by the statements my friend said because one day I truly do want to fall in love with someone and find that person as weird as I am. In the meantime, however, I am not just going to settle for Joe Schmo just for the sake of being in a relationship. People continuously tell me that I don’t let guys in, but let me tell you, no guy has tried that hard to get in or break down the walls that I put up. No guy has persistently tried to get to know me, hell, no guy has actually even asked me out on a real date! (I know that’s asking a lot for my generation)

I do let people see the soft, vulnerable sides of me (my sisters, close friends, and maybe a boyfriend one day), but it takes a lot for me to do that, and maybe it does for everyone, but I’m not willing to just throw that part of me out there for just anyone and I think that’s okay. This is probably the reason I haven’t been “attached” to anyone, but I think that at this point in my life I’m better off this way. I think it’s healthy that I’m not in an unhealthy relationship because based on my track record of going for some real winners, I would probably be attached to someone and stuck in a fucked up relationship.

I also had no clue what a good relationship looked like up until I was 20 years old. My parents’ marriage was nearing the end by the time I was born, so I grew up in an environment with a very cold atmosphere. I never saw them kiss or complement each other and at age 6 I thought it was completely and utterly normal for parents to not sleep in the same bed. I thank God that I have older sisters to show me what a loving relationship looks like. My second oldest sister, Jill, has been happily and not so happily married to her husband John for 8 years now. I say happily and not so happily because those two have shown me that marriage is full of love and sometimes hatred, but through both feelings you’re going to have to get through it with each other because you made a promise to one another. Molly is going to be married this May and I thank her because she has shown me that it is okay need your spouse and also be needed. Sometimes you will be the caretaker and other times you will be the one getting taken care of and there is no shame in either of those.

So, I guess I am a little bit skeptical of opening up to someone because up until recent years, I have only seen the cons in doing so andI guess now that I have seen what a good relationship looks like; I

know what I want to “attach” myself to. If I’m going to open up with a chance of me possibly getting my heart broken, you can bet your ass it’s going to be with a person worth it.

I guess the entire point of this blog post was to get your guys’ opinions, though. Do you guys think that it’s strange, healthy, unhealthy, etc. that I’m 21 years young and have never been in love or attached myself to anyone? What factors allow you to open yourself up to certain people and not with others? I would love to know your thoughts, as this is a question I am constantly struggling with and over analyzing just a hair too muchJ.

Here's to All of Us: '14-'15

Hello and happy 2015, folks!!!

As this is our blog’s first post in 2015, I feel as though I should start it off with a bang. I should post about something exciting…or controversial…or challenging…or…well, you get the picture.

Truth is, it’s January, there is snow on the ground, the temperature is in the single digits, and I find that I am not feeling my usual level of spark. Blech. January. I have been trying to find more appreciation for winter this year; I can’t avoid the cold/snow living in the Midwest, and there is no point in feeling miserable for 3 months. Consequently, I have been trying to enjoy that I have more time right now to read and relax. And after running around wildly this past summer and fall, I HAVE enjoyed having more time to regroup with myself. However, it still does not negate the subzero temperatures and dark, and so I find myself with less zest than usual.

Anyhow, I have been thinking about New Year’s lately. Like so many other topics, I have some ambivalent feelings about New Years and resolutions/goals/intentions/commitments. First of all, I appreciate any holiday that encourages people to reflect. I love the idea of reflecting on what happened during the previous calendar year; I think it’s imperative to reflect upon our challenges, our successes, and our growth. One practice that I started for the first time this year was to write a list of everything that I was proud of in 2014. As someone who tends to be a bit hard on herself, I initiated this practice so that I could remind myself of the ways that I had succeeded. Some of them were fairly significant (like teaching my first college course), but I also included some less obvious successes (like initiating a set monthly dinner with some friends). I felt both so empowered, and blessed, afterward that I started encouraging several of my bereaved clients to do it as well.

In addition to reflecting on the past year, I also think that it’s important to take time to think of the ways we want to be more intentional in the upcoming year.  Humans are habitual creatures, and without being intentional about change, we probably won’t.

I think my ambivalence about New Year’s goals/intentions/resolutions/commitments comes from a couple of different places. First, it seems to me that there is often this underlying notion that we will somehow have an ontological shift once we go from December 31^st to January 1^st. That we will somehow magically be different creatures who do all of the “right” things. I don’t think that human change is ever really that drastic, and if it is that drastic, it’s not sustainable. In my experience and observation, most positive change happens in small increments over an extended period of time.  And if we don’t find a way to habituate ourselves to the goal/resolution/commitment- to make it a part of either our everyday lives, practice, or character - I also believe the change is less likely to endure.

I also feel irritation that “lose weight” is continually one of the top goals. Now, don’t get me wrong- I am certainly aware of obesity rates in America. However, phrasing it as “lose weight” seems shallow to me as it is primarily based on one’s appearance. I want people to take pride in their bodies, but I want them to take pride in their bodies for more than just how it looks. I want people to take pride that they became stronger. That they built up more endurance. That they became more flexible. That they used their bodies in creative ways. “Losing weight” just does not have enough depth, and I worry about the one-dimensional value it conveys.

Finally, I also have concerns about the level of goals that we set for ourselves, and then the shame and guilt that we endure when we do not reach them. Sometimes it seems as though new year’s goals are chance for us to write down EVERYTHING we think needs to be better about ourselves and our lives. That we want to succeed with our health, appearance, finances, career, relationships, education, self-care, etc. We want to do ALL the things (Read this post by another blog for a hilarious commentary on this subject). And again, I think that this degree of change is neither attainable or sustainable. And my concern is that we feel shame/guilt when we do not succeed, and this makes us avoid it even more, and it creates a nasty, perpetual cycle.

All that being said, here is my list of intentions for 2015.  It’s not a glamorous list by any means, and I’m sure it has its own shortcomings.  However, it is what it is- it’s simply what I would like to do in the coming year that I have not done before.

1)   Pass level 1 Aerial (I started taking aerial silks classes in December, and they have been great! I will probably do a post on it sometime in the future).

2)   Read 30 books (I love reading, and it enriches my life in so many different ways.  I want to make sure I am being intentional about building it into my schedule).

3)   Pay off 1 of my student loans

4)   Paint my bedroom (It currently has hunter green trim. Yikes).

5)   Maintain the life-giving practices that I already had in 2014 (such as intentional time with family and friends).

I also plan on focusing on “patience” and “grace” this coming year. I’ve noticed several ways that our culture of instant gratification affects me (Read HERE for more details), and I want to try and be more patient with myself, with others, with God, with time. Additionally, I want to focus on grace- extending it to both myself and others. I don’t have anything “measurable” with my goals of patience and grace- but I have them posted as reminders in a couple of places.

I also thought about having a goal for this blog. That’s one that I need to talk about further with the other sisters as this is a collaborative project. But I would like to potentially think about growing our blog. Right now, we primarily promote on Facebook, and that does not reach as many people as we would like because of the method Facebook uses to determine what shows up in your newsfeed. I don’t always like “growth” as a goal, but I do like the notion of discussing our ideas with a greater number of people. That being said, if the only people that ever read our blog is our immediate family, I will still count it as a success.

So, here’s to 2015 with new challenges and successes. And I ask you, fellow readers, what are your thoughts on New Year’s goals/resolutions/commitments/intentions? Do you do them? Why/why not? If so, what are they?

And one final closing thought- thank you, readers, for reading our blog in 2014. Here’s to another year of Dissident Daughters.