It is my first post of 2015. I will admit I am a little disappointed in myself because I don't have any earth shattering topics to discuss at the moment. For the most part we had a pretty uneventful weekend. We went to a car show, had a few beers at the old Mattress Factory, we took the kids to see the Paddington movie, and we went for a walk around the lake. The most excitement came on Sunday, when both of the kids were so horrible in church that I wanted to shrink down into the pew so I would not be associated with the terrors my kids had both morphed into immediately upon crossing the threshold to the church.
While we were originally going to go to De Soto Bend, that got thrown out the window as a consequence for the church fiasco when my son laughed out loud no less than 3 times and managed to surreptitiously eat all of Brooklyn's snacks out of her bag leaving her with none in the middle if a meltdown of near epic proportions. So instead of going to De Soto, we headed home where I spent the day doing experiments with Trevor with magnets and iron fillings that ultimately ended up on the floor and were impossible to clean up. (Thanks Magic School Bus!). Afterwards, the kids rode around on John's back (sometimes both at the same time) until it was time for bath part deaux since Trevor decided to "forget" washing his hair the night previously as he was in a hurry to continue watching a movie about mice getting flushed away. Apparently, it's a real barn burner so much so that personal hygiene had to be thrown out the window.
I am a little embarrassed to share all of this because it makes it sound as if my life is very boring. We are not gone every weekend. My children do not have activities scheduled for every waking hour of their day. We have made the choice to not force or push our children into activities. My philosophy is that while the kids are young they should try many different things to figure out their own likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. Trevor, who is six, knows the rules, and when she is old enough Brooklyn, who is 18 months, will also know them: If you try something, you have to finish the season but it is their choice as to whether they go out again the following year. We have exposed our son to wrestling, soccer, baseball, gymnastics, boy scouts and Taekwondo. He has expressed, however, that he does not really like any of these activities except for soccer, boy scouts and Taekwondo and even then an activity once a week is plenty for him. I am "okay" with this because my life does not revolve around whether my child is in the first grade basketball championship.
Many people say that their children's involvement in activities is driven by the kids. That maybe true and maybe my kid is just different and that is OK. However, I have to wonder how much of it can really be independently kid driven. Or, is it based upon the affirmations the children receive from their parents for participating in the activities? Children have an innate desire to please their parents. So is it really kid driven if they are doing it to please mom and dad? Similarly, if it is the only time the children get to spend with their parents, then I suspect the child will stay out for that activity no matter what just so he or she can spend time with their parents. Or if younger siblings see the attention the older child gets for their participation, then do they also want to participate, not for the love of the activity, but for the attention it necessarily brings?
While we were originally going to go to De Soto Bend, that got thrown out the window as a consequence for the church fiasco when my son laughed out loud no less than 3 times and managed to surreptitiously eat all of Brooklyn's snacks out of her bag leaving her with none in the middle if a meltdown of near epic proportions. So instead of going to De Soto, we headed home where I spent the day doing experiments with Trevor with magnets and iron fillings that ultimately ended up on the floor and were impossible to clean up. (Thanks Magic School Bus!). Afterwards, the kids rode around on John's back (sometimes both at the same time) until it was time for bath part deaux since Trevor decided to "forget" washing his hair the night previously as he was in a hurry to continue watching a movie about mice getting flushed away. Apparently, it's a real barn burner so much so that personal hygiene had to be thrown out the window.
I am a little embarrassed to share all of this because it makes it sound as if my life is very boring. We are not gone every weekend. My children do not have activities scheduled for every waking hour of their day. We have made the choice to not force or push our children into activities. My philosophy is that while the kids are young they should try many different things to figure out their own likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. Trevor, who is six, knows the rules, and when she is old enough Brooklyn, who is 18 months, will also know them: If you try something, you have to finish the season but it is their choice as to whether they go out again the following year. We have exposed our son to wrestling, soccer, baseball, gymnastics, boy scouts and Taekwondo. He has expressed, however, that he does not really like any of these activities except for soccer, boy scouts and Taekwondo and even then an activity once a week is plenty for him. I am "okay" with this because my life does not revolve around whether my child is in the first grade basketball championship.
Many people say that their children's involvement in activities is driven by the kids. That maybe true and maybe my kid is just different and that is OK. However, I have to wonder how much of it can really be independently kid driven. Or, is it based upon the affirmations the children receive from their parents for participating in the activities? Children have an innate desire to please their parents. So is it really kid driven if they are doing it to please mom and dad? Similarly, if it is the only time the children get to spend with their parents, then I suspect the child will stay out for that activity no matter what just so he or she can spend time with their parents. Or if younger siblings see the attention the older child gets for their participation, then do they also want to participate, not for the love of the activity, but for the attention it necessarily brings?
I also have to wonder what this cycle of constant activity does to the parents. I see parents looking haggard as they run from one activity to the next. I think to myself, is this really what it means to be a parent? To be a glorified chauffeur? Is having family dinner out of a paper bag from McDonalds really in the best interest of our families? Is this why, when kids leave for college some parents wake up and find themselves next to a stranger? Do we, as parents, encourage this over-scheduling because we do not really know what else to do with our children? For me, being haggard and tired usually means I am shorter and less patient with my children. I don't want that. I don't like that person. I like the mom who has time to laugh at her son's silly jokes. (Example: mom, am I saying Okay or spelling OK? Ok.) I like the mom who when she gets home from work has the energy to play hide and go seek with her children. I like the mom who can take her children to Paddington. I like the mom that goes to Sky Zone and jumps around on the trampolines with her children instead of sitting on the sidelines.
Yet, I worry that I am making a mistake because sometimes I feel as if my husband and I stand alone in this philosophy. We rarely see other families walking around the lake. When it is nice outside, we are one of only a handful of couples that can be seen playing with their children outside. We have asked other couples and families to do things, but the response is invariably the same: We have basketball, wrestling, practice, etc this weekend. I don't rule out that this may just be an excuse to avoid getting together with with people they don't particularly like (meaning us). But I also think a great majority of the time, it is likely true as well as a convenient excuse.
Don't get me wrong. I do recognize that activities teach children important lessons about life. But I also think there is value in learning how to enjoy and spend free time. I don't want to teach my child how to be stressed out all the time running from event to event. I don't want to teach my child that free time is a bad thing. I think there are important lessons to be learned in the family unit, too, and that these can't be learned if the family never truly functions as a unit. But, most importantly, I want to be more than just a sidelines spectator in my children's lives.
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