Good Grief! (And this Pandemic)

Hi Everyone. Dissident Daughter Anne here. I've worked in the grief field for over 6 years now; I'm a full-time bereavement counselor for UnityPoint Hospcie in Des Moines. 

Grief has been the entirety of my professional life; and now, I am inundated by grief as the entire world grieves the death, changes, and anxiety from COVID-19. I have to say that it is....familiar, intense, fascinating, and sorrowful to witness the world experience on a global level the phenomenon to which I have dedicated my life. I've noticed the usual signs in myself and others- the forgetfulness, apathy, appetite changes, temperament changes, etc. Our world is grieving, and slowly, we are naming and recognizing that it is grief that we experience.

I could discuss this collective grief experience from many different angles, but otday, I want to explore some of the cognitive structures we use to cope with it. I understand that we do whatever mental gymnastic we need to do in order to cope at the time; however, there are more fulfilling ways of acknowledging our realities and discovering ways to live with them. Sometimes the coping methods we utilize with ourselves AND with supporting others are shaming, dismissive, and ultimately, not sustainable. 

First, let's talk about some of the strategies that aren't particularly helpful:

1) Minimizing Pain
This happens when we downplay experiences of suffering. Some examples with the pandemic might be, “Well, Anne, just be grateful that you still have a job.” Or, “It could be worse. You could be living in New York City right now.”

Yes, technically, it can certainly always be worse. For every situation that someone describes as painful, we can always, always imagine one in which greater suffering is inflicted.  But here’s the thing. Pain is pain, and that feeling of hurt is REAL. And everyone has different experiences that cause them pain, and this is due to a variety of factors (context, life experience, triggers, temperament, etc). If someone is honestly struggling with some of the losses of the pandemic, it’s real loss, even if we are seemingly witnessing other people experiencing significant loss on a grander scale at the same time. It’s just not fair or helpful to compare pain, because it hurts, nonetheless. (For example, comparing the pain of missing prom to having a loved one die from COVID-19). Additionally, for many people, this is one of the first times in their lives that they are experiencing the phenomenon where the universe takes something precious from you and doesn’t give it back. This is incredibly jarring the first time we experience this as humans, and it’s what I refer to as our “losing our innocence moment.”

The other important wisdom to remember is that our pain always goes deeper than the initial item, per se. For example, if someone is bemoaning the fact that they no longer are able to go into the office for work, underneath that seemingly benign hindrance is a loss of security in routine. We have lost a sense of predictability in how the world is run, and that, my friends, is undeniably a significant loss. What may seem minor is usually quite monumental when you look at the underlying feelings it evokes.

2) Reframing and Pushing the Positive

This happens when we try to force ourselves or others to see the positive in a situation. Here are some phrases that I have heard recently, “Count your blessings. You are fortunate to be able to stay at home.” Or, I have also seen this, “This too shall pass.” Plus, let’s not forget this one, “Don’t worry. It’s in God’s hands.”

Okay, hear me clearly. Gratitude and reframing are both great and wonderful philosophies, and I’ll get to that more in a minute. However, we cannot be so eager to arrive at gratitude that we forget to name the very real losses and pain we have experienced.  When we try to push ourselves to gratitude, we are trying to skip over the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that we are having. And this is a massive disservice to our selves because it denies us the opportunity to reflect on what hurt us and what scares us. And not only are we losing an opportunity for self-insight, but more importantly, we then lack the information to properly reconstruct our sense of selves and worldviews after loss because we are not even sure what it was that was broken in the first place. If I don’t spend time reflecting on the fact that my future dreams were the items that were destroyed by the pandemic, I’m not going to be intentional about recreating those when I’m in the mental space to do so. When we push others and ourselves to reframe/think positive before we are ready, it’s incredibly damaging because it misses this opportunity for reflection and more sustainable growth.

Moreover, the implicit assumption behind this push for positivity seems to be that gratitude can cancel out pain. If we have sophisticated enough reframing mechanisms, and if we think just enough positive thoughts, then we don’t have to sit with the dark realization that shitty things really do happen in the world. Sometimes, really devastating and terrible things happen in the world, and no, there isn’t some sort of preordained divine reason for them to happen. That’s not to say that humans and the divine cannot create beauty FROM the chaos, but it’s incredibly unsettling for us to have to realize that sometimes, really bad and dark stuff simply.just.happens because that’s how the world works. Don’t force yourself or others to jump to positivity or reframing simply because you are uncomfortable with pain and darkness.

Let me emphasize it again: Gratitude does not cancel out pain.

So, where does that leave us?

   1) Validate and Name

Well, first, for the love of God- validate your feelings and name your losses. When I teach my “Journey through Grief” class, I literally have the participants write down every single thing they have lost in addition to their loved one. When the participants first begin this exercise, they are a little dubious. It’s like I can see a thought bubble above their heads that says, “Well, duh, Anne. My loved one is dead, so that’s what I ‘lost.’” But then as I encourage them to think deeper, they start to realize that it isn’t merely that they lost the physical body of their loved one; they lost so much more than that. They lost future dreams…they lost companionship…they lost security…they lost faith…etc. You can keep going, and going, with the layers of loss.

So, for both yourself and others, think about what YOU have all lost in the pandemic. Loss of routine, loss of socialization, loss of faith in government, loss of physical activity, loss of sanity, etc. List these losses, name them, and freakin’ HONOR THEM by spending time with them. Because they are real, and they are difficult, even if “it can be worse,” and even if “there are silver linings in the midst of them.” Name your losses, validate your feelings, and be honest with their existence.

And when you hear someone else complain or state one of their losses, don’t immediately try to make it better for them. Simply say, “Yes, Phyllis. It really sucks that you can’t go to the office anymore. I know that you loved your lunch dates with your coworker Jackie.”

       2) Gratitude and Silver Linings
Remember how I went on that diatribe a couple of paragraphs ago about gratitude not cancelling out sadness? Well, I meant it, AND I also want to say that gratitude is important. What I want us to do with gratitude is to realize that it can coexist ALONGSIDE of loss. It doesn’t cancel out loss, and we cannot turn to it as a weapon to eliminate our sorrow. We can, however, uphold gratitude and let it live in all of its profundity alongside our grief.

       An exercise that I traditionally have clients do around Thanksgiving is that I have them draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. And just like some other exercises, they wonder what it is that I have them doing and how it can be helpful. Nevertheless, I instruct them to write on the left hand side all of the losses that they have experienced with their loved one, and then on the right hand side, I have them list everything that fills them with gratitude.

       The idea behind the exercise is simple, and yet, it is one that most of us struggle with simultaneously upholding. And that idea is yet again that we can feel sadness/anger at the exact same time that we feel gratitude and appreciation. So, if you would humor me, I encourage you to do the same. Think about what you have all lost during the pandemic, and then, also think about everything that you appreciate.

       So, for me, one of the biggest losses that I’m acknowledging is that I can’t go to TGR, my gym. As you see in my “About Me,” TGR is my second home, and I’m desperately missing the people and activities there. And at the same time, an item on my gratitude list is that I’m finally able to run outside again. I wasn’t able to do this in the last year due to some inflammation issues, but just before the pandemic, a physical therapist was able to get me back on track. And if there was ever a time that I needed to be able to run, right now is definitely it.

       I feel significant loss at not being able to see my friends and pursue my hobbies, and at the exact same time, I also feel gratitude that I’m able to run outside again. Both of these items are true, and there does not have to be a relationship between the two. I don’t have to say, “I shouldn’t feel sad about TGR because I can run again.” I also don’t have to say, “The only way I could run again was to lose TGR.” As humans, we seem to be driven to find causal relationships, and often we do so because we want so badly to see the bad thing wiped away. We want to say that the bad thing was necessary for the good thing, or we want to say that we can’t feel sad about the bad thing because we have the good thing. But before I start to delve into matters of theodicy (future post!), let’s just say that a bad thing can exist on its own merit, and a good thing can coexist alongside it. Good certainly can come from bad, but the bad wasn’t necessarily needed for the good to happen. It’s simply that light is always, always able to find a way to shine through darkness.

       When you hear of someone else lamenting their situation from the pandemic, don’t rush them to gratitude. Don’t try to encourage them to think of everything they are grateful for as a means of attempting to cancel out their sadness. If they name something positive, you can help them name that as a blessing and share in their joy of having it with them, but don’t push them to go there when that’s not the space they are in.

       Anyhow, I know that this has turned into a lengthy blog post, and it’s because I’m so incredibly passionate about this topic. I have so many other posts that I want to write about with the pandemic (theodicy being one of them), and one of MY pieces of gratitude from all of this is that it is spurring a rejuvenation in intellectual and creative thought. (It sure isn’t inspiring an increase in personal hygiene.)

      Thanks, everyone, and until next time-

      Anne