Dear Self

Dear Self,

Tomorrow you will turn 27. Approximately six months ago you were lying awake in bed wondering what this day meant. It is not so much the actual number that makes you anxious, but rather the passing of time I suppose. The passing of time is a little bit unnerving because if time is passing for you, it also means that it is passing for others. You reflect on whether or not you've spent that time spending it with the people you love and doing the things that make you feel most alive. You then wonder, "Do I even truly know what makes me come alive?"

This was 26- Birthday on the Vegas strip, in the clubs and at a pool party!

People say that your birthdays become less significant after the ages of "21" and "25," but I have found that to be uncredible. I feel each year you have slowly learnt a little bit more about yourself, about other people. You've spent a lot of time questioning what it means to be "normal." What a "normal" woman? What's a "normal" twenty something year old doing and striving for? What's a "normal" relationship. What's "normal" for someone like me? You've felt self conscious about where you fit in within the standard. Truth is, you've been asking yourself all the wrong questions, Kristen. This year, spend your time wondering, "What makes Kristen Alesch feel alive" and go fucking do it.

You feel most alive when you feel small. When you are surrounded by beauty and greatness in every shape, feeling and essence of the words. You feel alive when you are in nature. Go climb more mountains. You feel alive when you are surrounded by those you love. Go, and be more often. You feel alive when you are challenged. Embrace those experiences and people that make you feel so. You feel alive when you are in front of an audience. Perform in front of a group of two, or 20.

You've been working on your ability to be vulnerable, when it counts. I hope you continue to try and look vulnerability in the eye and feel every bittersweet emotion that comes with it. I encourage you to continue to build connection and figure out what to be truly connected means. I want you to experience great joy and great sadness, and I hope you feel the two sentiments with every fiber of your being. I hope you find the voice and ambition of the little girl that once said she wanted to be an actress in Maine. I hope you reconnect with her, see what she's been up to and then go with her. I hope amazing people continue to enter your life and teach you many things. Some will leave while others will stay, and that's okay. Allow yourself to teach them something and learn something from them in return, and be better from it.

Be okay with the uncertainty of life and quit trying to find answers that may not yet be ready to be found. They'll come to you when both they and you are ready. Continue to love your freakin' heart out. You can never have too much of it. Continue to know you are worthy. Worthy of love, opportunity and life. Never question the gifts you have to offer; you have oh so many, Kristen. You are truly an amazing woman. Each day you love and know yourself a little more. Continue to sit with the silence and your thoughts and question what this life means. You won't ever fully figure it out, but maybe you'll learn a little more about yourself and human life in the process.

Dream, and continue dreaming, even when your dreams seem a little too distant. Remember where you come from and keep your eyes on where you're going. Admit when you fail without immediate justification and admit when you make a mistake, damnit. It's okay to apologize and feel the awkwardness. Ask questions but don't forget to reveal a little bit about yourself too. You have a lot to contribute to a conversation and person. Play, laugh and be silly. Never lose that part of yourself. Tell those you love that you love them without always knowing whether or not the feeling is reciprocated, and quit hiding behind the characteristics that simultaneously make you you, yet also prohibit others from truly seeing you.

This is almost 27- Walking home from my morning walk.
I stopped at my favorite coffee shop on the way back.
These morning walks bring me peace during this pandemic.
If you look closely, you can see that I have a few fine lines underneath my eye balls.
Can't believe I'm saying this, but I think they're beautiful; I'm beautiful.

May this year be a year of love, opportunity and life. Reflect often and allow yourself to feel. Travel, save and travel some more. Feel small, but never make yourself be small. Embrace womanhood and feel beautiful doing so. Wear a dress or wear athletic apparel; both are beautiful and womanly. Learn and get to know yourself a little bit better than the year before, and keep defining what makes Kristen Alesch come alive. Don't chase it, go do it. Lastly, trust the universe, trust your soul and be genuine.

Xoxo,
Kristen