Soccer Mom

Hi, everyone. Here I am kicking off Year 3 of the blog and I find myself stymied. I could regale you with the tale of how it took 5 hours to get our taxes done by a woman who knew less about taxes than I did. I could talk to you about my husband's statistics class that has dominated his time lately and has caused him to be able to only say, "This is awful," over and over and over. Or, perhaps the tantalizing topic of  how I couldn't find anchovy paste at Wal-Mart today. Yes, this is my life, at least this weekend it was.  And while i suspect you may have already stopped reading after that all-star line up, I will instead delight you with the tale of being the world's shittiest soccer mom.

My son, Trevor, is 7 (soon to be 8 on April 17). He started his spring soccer season this weekend. Prior to playing, however, we had to certify that we had completed an online tutorial called Alliance for All. It was eye opening for a few reasons. First, I was irritated that this sort of training for parents was even required. Basically, it was a module about sportsmanship and how parents could better support their children in sports instead of acting like spoiled entitled pricks. Okay, so it was said much nicer than my little summation but you get the gist. Despite my initial incredulity, this training is actually imperative because 70 percent of kids quit organized sports by the age of 14.  The reasons for this mass exit vary but some of the reasons given were it was too much about winning, they were embarrassed of their parents behavior and it just stopped being fun. This made me sad. It made me sad because the adults were guilty, at least in part, of ruining the kids' experience. 

Why would people choose to engage in such detrimental behavior I wondered.  What is it about our kids winning that drives otherwise normal people to turn into douches on the sidelines at a U8 soccer game? Honestly, a child's talent or lack thereof really does not reflect on the skill of the parenting he or she has had. Yet, parents act like if their kid is good at sports it somehow means they are good parents. Is that the reason? Because we are all looking for affirmative evidence that we aren't shitty parents? Yet in seeking that out, we cause ourselves to become the antithesis to what we wanted in the first place? 

Or is it because we have allowed our own lives to become so barren that the most important activity we have on out calenders is a U8 soccer game? I, for one, do not have a problem telling you that despite feeling guilty about it, I have tried to allow myself to keep some semblance of a life outside of my kids. It's not easy especially for an antisocial asshole like myself but I don't want to wake up one day and realize I lost completely lost myself while raising my kids.

These are both okay theories but something is missing. Is it human pride or greed? I can't out my finger on it but I experienced it this weekend. Maybe writing about it will help me figure out this craziness. I had to work the concession stand for two hours on the day of Trev's first game. If i had to work the place by myself, no problem. However, I had to work it with....wait for it.....THREE OTHER WOMEN. I know you would think that should be pretty inconsequential but I have a really hard time relating to other women, especially other mothers. Even though I'm a parent, endless talk of children bores me. So walking into a fully staffed concession stand at 10:50 in the morning took a shit ton of courage. It was here, in the grime-ridden confines of a particle board building, that I learned about "The Academy." 

What is The Academy, you ask? Well, I wondered that, too. Apparently, I was way behind the soccer times when kids just played soccer.  I guess if your child is deemed good enough, The Academy swoops in and recruits your child from the club league level. This means only the really crappy players remain in the club. It might as well be called Mediocre Madness or something. Getting called up to The Academy is a big deal apparently because one mom was super proud that her son got the call up at age 9 but she added she wasn't surprised because her son had been dribbling a size 1 soccer ball since he could walk. Trevor, in comparison, was still throwing himself down on the floor bawling like a siren at age 1. 

And that's when it happened. There it was. I was irritated Trevor wasn't Academy material. And if he wasn't Academy material then why should he play? And in that instant I understood that I could easily be a douche on the sidelines with this attitude. I could easily be a parent whose kid leaves sports at age 13 because of me. It wasn't sparked by feeling I would be a good parent if he was good at soccer. It wasn't sparked by the fact I don't have anything else going on. It was sparked by fear. Fear that my child won't be good enough because I'm not good enough. Fear that my child won't make it becase I'm not good enough. Fear that he will be a failure because, yep, you guessed it.... I'm not good enough. All because of the Academy nonsense that I didn't even know or care about until my stint in the concessions booth. But it wasn't really about Trevor being mediocre. It was about me and my fear that I am inadequate and not good enough. And I don't want that for my child. I want him to know he is good enough. He isn't like me. But I'm afraid he will be.

Our world has gotten so complicated and fear riddled. I'm guilty of succumbing to this mentality on occasion and particularly susceptible when I'm in a concessions booth apparently.  I'm guilty of worrying that deep down I'm not good enough and therefore my son won't be either. I think a lot of people feel this way although they may not be able or aware enough to admit it. The quicker the denial, the greater the truth I have always found. Anyway, because of this underlying fear of not being good enough,  we attribute anything we can as "evidence" our kids will grow up okay and be successful adults. Even ridiculous things like being called by the Academy at age 9.  I can't say the fear is ludicrous because the world is a competitive and unforgiving place at times. But it's also a beautiful and loving place at times too. And we have to fight against giving in to the former. Keep it in mind, be cognizant so it doesn't cut your legs out from under you, but don't choose it for your life or your kids' lives. Don't let your own insecurities dictate your kids' experience or life view. Rise above. Or at least keep it to yourself so your kids can make their own choices about life and what it is and what it looks like.

So in the end, I think that the fear of not being good enough is what is behind the truly atrocious behavior that is exhibited by parents during sporting events. How dare you think my kid isn't good enough? Because if they aren't good enough, maybe I'm not good enough and maybe we aren't going to make it.  And so we fight, we argue, we blame, we name call because we are trying to preserve the false sense of self we have hidden behind. Or, hell, maybe it's because we are just a bunch of assholes and I over thought this whole thing. But I really don't think so. Do you?