Sculpting Our Own Lives

              Although the concept has apparently been around since at least 1999, the concept of job sculpting only recently came across my desk.  The entire premise of job sculpting is that unless a job is matched to a person’s “deeply embedded life interests,” he or she will become dissatisfied or uncommitted.  Deeply embedded life interests do not determine what people are good at.  Instead, they drive what kinds of activities make them happy. The challenge, however, is that most people are simply unaware of their own deeply embedded life interests.  This happens for many reasons—some people take the path of least resistance (i.e. my dad was a lawyer); others are lured simply by the prospect of financial gain or prestige; still others follow the career advice of simply going into what they are good at and some are simply fulfilling others expectations of them.  However, choosing a profession based on these reasons alone will not translate into job satisfaction (although they may help the person tolerate their own dissatisfaction for long periods of time).  The article I read, which is available here, https://hbr.org/1999/09/job-sculpting-the-art-of-retaining-your-best-people/ gave a couple of poignant examples that resonated with me personally.  First, one manager in the high-tech industry went through three companies before realizing it wasn’t the company he needed to change but his work.  The article discusses that often times, an employee will attribute their unhappiness to their managers or organizations and so they will leave the company, only to find similar dissatisfaction because the root of their “career malaise” has not been identified. 

If I’m honest with myself, I’ve had my fair share of job dissatisfaction ever since becoming an attorney.  Whenever I have alluded to not being happy as an attorney, I usually get the same response, “But you are so good at it.”  I have never really been able to internalize how it is that I can be so dissatisfied with something I am good at.  We are trained, from an early age, that if you are good at something, you do it.  If you are good at basketball, you play it.  If you aren’t good at something, then let’s be honest, most of us don’t pursue it.  So it makes sense that I chose a profession I was good at without fully realizing I might not like it.  After reading the first half of the article, I stopped, looked up and had that “aha” moment where I finally understood how I could be dissatisfied with something I was good at.  Maybe it was obvious to everyone else, but it never truly made sense to me.  If I was good at something and had success at it, it seemed axiomatic that I should like it.  And yet, ten years later, I still did not and was unable to truly grasp the why behind that reality. 

I have wrestled with the thought of leaving the law for a great deal of time now.  When my back is against the wall or I am challenged, I can be a real asshole and that makes me a great attorney.  But I don’t like feeling that way, I don’t like the adrenaline rush that sends blood pumping into my temples, and I don’t like feeling that out of control anger that is a result of my fight or flight response in battle.  Big surprise (said sarcastically) it is always fight to the death in my case.  The other aspect of being an attorney is that I don’t like to pontificate over the meaning of a single word.  I make decisions quickly, easily, effortlessly and find discussions about whether we should use “a” or “the” to be a complete and utter waste of time because I recognize immediately there are arguments in favor of both and further discourse will not necessarily result in a clear winner.  I also don’t like that much of the law assumes the worst about people and you have to constantly be thinking in terms of “when this is litigated,” not even “if this is litigated.” 

This article, is pretty basic and after thinking it through, it all seems so obvious that I am a little ashamed to be writing this.  At the same time, if I didn’t put two and two together, it is possible others haven’t either.  At the end of the day, I feel better knowing that it’s not abnormal to not like something you are good at. Having the understanding of why and how this could have occurred is the first step to changing things, which gives me hope.   I think it is beautiful how sometimes life brings us these little surprises when we need them the most. 

In the bigger scheme of things, because I always have to take my analysis to the next level [#Aleschproblems] it was a good reminder for me as a parent.  As adults, we can inflict incredible damage upon our children when we force our own wants, interests and desires on them.  If the child spends his or her life fulfilling other people’s expectations of them, we are committing them to an adult life of potential dissatisfaction.  There are parents who tie money to their child going to a certain college or pursuing a certain career.  There are parents who pressure their children to take over the family business or continue the family legacy.  There are parents who simply have expectations of their children that they will excel and so the child naturally gravitates toward those activities in which he or she does excel, which leads them to choose a career based on what they are good at.  As a parent, my only goal for my children is that they find happiness, whatever that looks like for them.  I don’t want them to fulfill my expectations or meet my needs or simply choose a career path because it is expected or demanded.  I have always believed that my job as a parent is not to prepare the path for the child, but rather to prepare the child for the path.  I have written about this somewhat before but our culture has a tendency to tell us to choose safety instead of risk, sameness instead of diversity.  Resist the urge to place these shackles on yourself and your children.  This plague of sameness is killing not just our own ability to experience joy but also our children’s.  I can only hope my children are bold enough to use their voice, brave enough to listen to their heart and strong enough to live the life they have always imagined and re-imagined as opposed to the life someone else has dictated to them intentionally or unintentionally.  And for the rest of us, it is never too late to try.      

         

Err on the Side of Love

Almost every Saturday when I lived in El Paso, TX, my boyfriend (henceforth in this blog referred to as Boyfriend) at the time and I had a cozy, fun ritual of making the what were quite possibly the best egg sandwiches ever made and picking out muffins or donuts to go with them at the local bakery. Every Saturday, this felt like a very special and fun way to start the weekend together...except one. This specific Saturday, during our trip to the store to get eggs and bread and, of course, the requisite hot sauce, a man approached us in the store parking lot. He told us that his car was just off of the interstate (I-10 runs east and west through El Paso) and he had run out of gas. His wife and two kids were in the car waiting for him and he didn't have any money for gas. He asked us if we could spare any money to help him out. Boyfriend thought the guy was scamming us and got somewhat pissy with him and of course shot down his request for money. I didn't have any cash on me at the time and was embarrassed by Boyfriend's reaction. We continued into the store, picked up our items and I took out $15 to give to the man on the way out. He was still in the parking lot asking for assistance so I went over to him and gave him the money. He was very grateful. Boyfriend and I proceeded to have a disagreement as to the true intentions of the man and whether I'd been foolish to give him the money. Though it's been nearly ten years since then, this memory continues to stick out in my mind and resurface. I've thought about it enough to know why and that brings me to the title of this post.

In my life, I would rather err on the side of love. Maybe that guy was scamming me and he ran off with my $15. But if he was telling the truth and in need, I would not be comfortable turning away from him. I would rather be generous and compassionate than suspicious and judging. I can only choose and manage my own actions and behavior and I am not responsible for someone else's...and I choose love. That man is responsible for his actions and if he was lying, that is his to deal with, not mine.

This specific story stands out for me because I think it was one of the first times I put this feeling into words. During the argument with Boyfriend, I had to figure out why it bothered me so much that he was suspicious and seemingly uncaring to someone who was possibly in need. I also had to figure out why I'd rather be potentially scammed out of $15 than be the person who denied someone help because I presumed to know someone else's intentions, situation and life. And that's the other part of this...I don't want to view the world that suspiciously or negatively. I don't want to think that everyone is out to get me or that everyone is out to fuck everyone else over for their own benefit. To me, that seems like it would be a miserable way to live and I don't choose that for myself...so I choose to err on the side of love. Make no mistake...this in no way means that I don't have boundaries. I have worked very hard at establishing those for myself. Boundaries are a part of love (aside: boundaries can be an uncomfortable part of love and it is why they are often missing). What I am saying, however, is that we are able to choose the energies we allow into our lives.

I had originally planned to post on a different topic...the other Dissident Daughters are aware of it, and trust me, the topic pisses me off so it will be posted at some future date. However, I wanted to share this post in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., as we celebrate his life and legacy this week. Dr. King is credited with the quote, "I have decided to stick with love. Hate is too great a burden to bear." My way of sharing this same sentiment is to "err on the side of love" and my reasoning for working toward this in my life is just what Dr. King said...hate IS too great a burden to bear. Hate brings along with it the burdens of judgment, suspicion, self-righteousness, punishment (which is a completely different mentality than preserving boundaries), distrust...and in my life, when I have embraced these aforementioned burdens, ey have brought with them unhappiness and misery. Dr. King definitely knew what he was talking about regarding love and hate...and it does not only apply to the most famous of Dr. King's passions, civil liberties. This concept applies to peace within our own lives and selves. This is why I choose to err on the side of love...and my wish for myself is that I continue to make this choice, even when I am in places in my life that require me to be even more calm, patient and self aware...with others and with myself.

The Dark Side of the Light

Early last fall I was staring at the stars on a cloudless night, far away from the dulling effect of city lights.  The stars shone brilliantly.  They made me think of the vastness of our universe, and even the vastness of our own earth, and how small our problems are compared to the greater whole, and how many opportunities are available to each and everyone of us.  You might say I was in my own little happy, comfy place.

But my little happy, comfy zone was shattered by a phone call early the next morning with the stark realization that not everyone was seeing life the way I was seeing it at that time.  Someone very close to me called, having a complete meltdown and crying out for help.  It wasn't "the boy crying wolf" kind of thing.  Some nasty, life-threatening shit was going down.  Luckily, a few close friends and family were able to get this person to a hospital right away and a life was spared.  The root cause of the issue was a cascading assumption of what this person was convinced was reality, which was dark, lonely and hopeless, instead of seeing the true reality for what it is:  one of hope, love and acceptance.

Following was support from other friends, even from one who has never met this person, and the healing and monitoring process has been ongoing from there.  I was wracked with guilt for not being more present in this person's life and for not recognizing the signs I was shown. I vowed to change.

Two months later, I received another phone call about a young man I have known, and been very close to, since he was born.  He was a great kid and had grown into a fine young man.  Unfortunately, he got in with the wrong crowd and became addicted to heroin.  His brother, who lives in the same city, pulled him away from the bad influence.  His mother traveled from Des Moines, and together, the two of them got him into a rehabilitation center.

What a huge sigh of relief until someone came for a visit to the rehab facility and slipped him a dose of heroin.  It was some bad stuff and he had a horrible experience.  Older brother back to the rescue.  He got this young man to a detoxification center.  Time to step in again.  After a frantic series of events, we got him onto a plane to Des Moines to be in the loving care of his mother and other family members.  I saw him several times over the course of the week that he was here.  I didn't realize how bad it was and won't go into the details, which are horrifying, but the transformation of this young man over the course of the week he was here with his mother and other family members was nothing less than amazing.  He is now in a rehabilitation center in another city, far away from where he lives.

When I was invited to write a guest post for the Dissident Daughters blog, I wrote something. After I re-read it, I didn't like it.  I didn't feel like I adequately expressed my feelings, emotions, or even my message.  I shared these thoughts with my good friend, Amy Sue, one of the Dissident Daughters, and she suggested that I write my message in the form of song lyrics because that is who I am and how I best express myself.  So that's what I did.

I have been writing song lyrics most of my adult life.  Many have become actual songs through collaboration with a number of musicians, while others are simply therapeutic memoirs.  I'm not sure what this one will turn out to be.  It isn't presented in the standard lyric sheet format.  This is simply how it came through my mind and onto paper.  In part it is my story and in part it is a message I hope anyone reading this post will take to heart.  Be there for others, but also be there for yourselves.  The more you love and forgive yourselves, the better able you are to love and help others.

The Dark Side of the Light

Starlight from heaven

How bright that it shines

The way we receive it

Is all in our minds

The future is endless

Or so it may seem

'Til the demons of life

Have shattered your dreams

Convictions, addictions

Are powerful things

That tighten their grip

When the morning bell rings

They grab you, they hold you

And won't let you go

Pull you into the darkness

Where the light doesn't show

They take you, they rape you

They capture your soul

You no longer run

When there's nowhere to go

You know there's a bright side

You've lived it before

You left it behind

When you opened that door

You fell to the darkness

You thought you could hide

You run from yourself

Feeling empty inside

And now it seems like nothing's going right

Your strength is gone, you've lost your will to fight

The hope you had is nowhere in sight…

On the dark side of the light

There may be an answer

Take hold of my hand

Please just let me help you

Help you understand

Love is all around you

It's waiting here for you

Standing at attention

To help you make it through

Life can be a battle

Not meant to fight alone

Open arms of others

Can help you make it home

You know there's a bright side

You've lived it before

You left it behind

When you opened that door

You fell to the darkness

You thought you could hide

You run from yourself

Feeling empty inside

And now it seems like nothing's going right

Your strength is gone, you've lost your will to fight

The hope you had is nowhere in sight…

On the dark side of the light

Life can be a battle

Not meant to fight alone

Open arms of others

Can help you make it home

Come on baby, come on baby back home!

Intricate and Intimate

Hola Dissident Followers and Happy New Year from yours truly! Sooo I'm really in a quandary of what to write about this week. It's been about three solid weeks since our last post becacuse of the holidays and a lot has happend in the past three weeks which gives me a lot of blogging ideas. I'm just coming off of a much needed two week break from school and am about to start the second semester of my teaching career. I've really debated about writing a reflection of my semester one experiences, however, I think I will save that for maybe a year reflection after I complete my first year of teaching in May. I've also debated with writing about a stereotypical reflection of my experiences of 2015 in general. 2015 was a big year for me because I graduated college and ventured out into the world of adulthood, however I think I will decided against the typical New Year reflection.


As mentioned before, since my Christmas break is coming to an abrupt end, last night, my roommate and I decided to be spontaneous and try out a free salsa dance lesson at the Rumba Bar downtown near our apartment. We stumbled across this hidden bar while we were walking downtown this weekend and saw that they were advertising the free dance lesson on their window, so we figured we may as well take advantage of it beings we teach Spanish and all. Payton, my roommate, loves to salsa dance and went dancing quite frequently when she studied abroad in Mexco. I on the other hand am quite terrible at organized dancing and have the bare minimum experience with it. I was a little nervous, but I wasn't going to pass up this fun opportunity.

Around 9:00 p.m. Payton and I began walking to the Rumba Bar. Both of us were pretty tired so we went there without consuming a drop of alcohol which only added to my nerves. We got there right around 9:30 and they hadn't began the dance lesson yet so we waltzed on up to the bar and tried one of their mojitos since that seemed to be the drink of choice there. I really liked the vibe of the bar. It was dark, there were plenty of lazer lights and the tables  and couches were set up in a way that allowed you to actually hear and talk with your friends. We talked and drank for a little bit, until the instructor finally announced that the class was going to begin and called for all interested in learning the dance to the dance floor.

Payton and I set down our drinks and bumbled out onto the dance floor. The instructor first taught us the basic salsa step. This step required no partner and was very simple. It was simple enough that even I thought I was a pro at it haha. After the instructor went over the movements of the basic step, we then did the entire dance to a song. It was really fun, but that was only the beginning. After the song ended, the instructor got us all into a circle. The people who already came with a dance partner stood next to their partners and for those of us that didn't come with a partner, stood in between the couples. The instructor then taught us how to partner salsa dance! Ahhhhh! You mean we'd actually have to dance with someone we didn't know when we weren't completely obliterated? Yepp. We danced with one partner for a few steps, then when the instructor said rotate, we all rotated to the left and danced with a new partner. Some of the men I danced with had no idea what they were doing while others could have been on "Dancing with the Stars." It was okay though because at the end of the day, all of us were there to have fun. I messed up multiple times, felt completely embarrassed with a complete stranger and yet wasn't bothered by that.

After the lesson was over, they continued to play Latin music and if you wanted to stay out and dance you could, otherwise you could go sit and drink or do whatever else you wanted to do. Payt and I got another drink and then went back to our table. We only sat there for a solid ten minutes until Payt and I both got asked to dance by what appeared to be 40 year old men. We didn't care though because we both wanted to dance. I actually danced with 3 different 40 year old men that asked me to dance and although I may have felt awkward or self conscious at times, I also felt very satisfied and at peace with myself, my partner and life. Why?

Dancing is a very intimate activity. The way your bodies are so close and move together. The way that every movement has a reaction to it. The awkwardness of accidentally stepping in opposite directions or maybe in the same direction at the wrong time. The utmost terrifying fear of gazing into your partners eyes. All of those things make dancing very scary, but oh so very intimate. I was dancing with a 40 year old stranger (I actually still don't know his name) and at that moment I have never felt so close to someone. That being said, feeling intimate with someone does not mean that you necessarily want to fuck them. I in no way, shape or form had any sexual interest in my 40 year old dance partners. I did, however, feel very private, personal and closely acquainted with them.

All this being said, I think this is a crucial piece of what my generation is missing. My generation is missing intimacy. Our feelings of intimacy are masked with social media such as Facebook, Tinder, Plenty of Fish, etc. We talk without even meeting and we fuck without even knowing a person, and although the talking and screwing temporarily put a band aid on our longing for human feeeling and interaction, it does not satisfy our human need for intimacy. One cannot be intimate behind a screen, nor can one be truly intimate behind 7 shots of Whiskey. True intimacy comes from stone cold sober conversation, touch, gaze and feeling. This is not something my generation forgot how to do; it is something my generation has never learned how to do.