More than a Spectator

It is my first post of 2015. I will admit I am a little disappointed in myself because I don't have any earth shattering topics to discuss at the moment. For the most part we had a pretty uneventful weekend. We went to a car show, had a few beers at the old Mattress Factory, we took the kids to see the Paddington movie, and we went for a walk around the lake. The most excitement came on Sunday, when both of the kids were so horrible in church that I wanted to shrink down into the pew so I would not be associated with the terrors my kids had both morphed into immediately upon crossing the threshold to the church.

While we were originally going to go to De Soto Bend, that got thrown out the window as a consequence for the church fiasco when my son laughed out loud no less than 3 times and managed to surreptitiously eat all of Brooklyn's snacks out of her bag leaving her with none in the middle if a meltdown of near epic proportions. So instead of going to De Soto, we headed home where I spent the day doing experiments with Trevor with magnets and iron fillings that ultimately ended up on the floor and were impossible to clean up. (Thanks Magic School Bus!). Afterwards, the kids rode around on John's back (sometimes both at the same time) until it was time for bath part deaux since Trevor decided to "forget" washing his hair the night previously as he was in a hurry to continue watching a movie about mice getting flushed away. Apparently, it's a real barn burner so much so that personal hygiene had to be thrown out the window.

I am a little embarrassed to share all of this because it makes it sound as if my life is very boring.  We are not gone every weekend. My children do not have activities scheduled for every waking hour of their day. We have made the choice to not force or push our children into activities. My philosophy is that while the kids are young they should try many different things to figure out their own likes and dislikes and strengths and weaknesses. Trevor, who is six, knows the rules, and when she is old enough Brooklyn, who is 18 months, will also know them: If you try something, you have to finish the season but it is their choice as to whether they go out again the following year.  We have exposed our son to wrestling, soccer, baseball, gymnastics, boy scouts and Taekwondo.  He has expressed, however, that he does not really like any of these activities except for soccer, boy scouts and Taekwondo and even then an activity once a week is plenty for him. I am "okay" with this because my life does not revolve around whether my child is in the first grade basketball championship.

Many people say that their children's involvement in activities is driven by the kids. That maybe true and maybe my kid is just different and that is OK.  However, I have to wonder how much of it can really be independently kid driven. Or, is it based upon the affirmations the children receive from their parents for participating in the activities? Children have an innate desire to please their parents. So is it really kid driven if they are doing it to please mom and dad? Similarly, if it is the only time the children get to spend with their parents, then I suspect the child will stay out for that activity no matter what just so he or she can spend time with their parents. Or if younger siblings see the attention the older child gets for their participation, then do they also want to participate, not for the love of the activity, but for the attention it necessarily brings?

I also have to wonder what this cycle of constant activity does to the parents. I see parents looking haggard as they run from one activity to the next. I think to myself, is this really what it means to be a parent? To be a glorified chauffeur? Is having family dinner out of a paper bag from McDonalds really in the best interest of our families? Is this why, when kids leave for college some parents wake up and find themselves next to a stranger? Do we, as parents, encourage this over-scheduling because we do not really know what else to do with our children? For me, being haggard and tired usually means I am shorter and less patient with my children. I don't want that. I don't like that person. I like the mom who has time to laugh at her son's silly jokes. (Example: mom, am I saying Okay or spelling OK? Ok.) I like the mom who when she gets home from work has the energy to play hide and go seek with her children. I like the mom who can take her children to Paddington. I like the mom that goes to Sky Zone and jumps around on the trampolines with her children instead of sitting on the sidelines.

Yet, I worry that I am making a mistake because sometimes I feel as if my husband and I stand alone in this philosophy. We rarely see other families walking around the lake. When it is nice outside, we are one of only a handful of couples that can be seen playing with their children outside. We have asked other couples and families to do things, but the response is invariably the same: We have basketball, wrestling, practice, etc this weekend. I don't rule out that this may just be an excuse to avoid getting together with with people they don't particularly like (meaning us). But I also think a great majority of the time, it is likely true as well as a convenient excuse.

Don't get me wrong. I do recognize that activities teach children important lessons about life. But I also think there is value in learning how to enjoy and spend free time. I don't want to teach my child how to be stressed out all the time running from event to event. I don't want to teach my child that free time is a bad thing. I think there are important lessons to be learned in the family unit, too, and that these can't be learned if the family never truly functions as a unit. But, most importantly, I want to be more than just a sidelines spectator in my children's lives.

The Power of Words

I saw the movie Selma last week-I wanted to see it before Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day as a tribute to a man I find inspirational, beautiful, compassionate, peaceful, loving and courageous. I understand there are questions of certain historical accuracies and I am not going to get into those. What I think is undeniable is what Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. did for the people of this country and for the world.

He died for the cause of justice and equality at age 39 and he had achieved so much by then. It made me wonder and think about what I fight for in my life and what people in this country fight for and are inspired by. We can't all be the face of a national or international revolution or cause and it is very sobering to think about what some people have accomplished by a young age and reflect on one's own life in comparison.

In thinking about these things, I thought of two quotes I find inspirational and true. The first is from Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.: " Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." The second is from Mahatma Ghandi: "Be the change that you wish to see in the world." These quotes provide the foundation from which this blog post is written...it is one I've wanted write for a while and I thought the week during which we honor Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. was a perfect time for this post.

I want to talk about the power of words. I think one of the most erroneous adages is "sticks and stones will break my bones but words will never hurt me". I understand the intent behind the words and I understand that maybe it's freed some people to let other people's hurtful words "roll off their back". That said, I disagree with it for the most part. I think in our current society, we do not think about words--what they mean, how we use them and how very powerful they are.

We have talked before in this blog about harmful cliches like "you throw like a girl", "cry like a girl" and other demeaning, sexist phrases. I would like to broaden the discussion. I think as a person of conviction that if I stand firmly against using these derogatory terms, it is my responsibility to remove other harmful language from my daily usage. Let me give you a few examples.

About 5-10 years ago, the phrase"oh, that's so gay" came into usage to denote that something sucked or was lame. I admit to having said it around that time...until I thought about what was actually being communicated through the casual use of that flippant word choice. Dubbing something we don't like as "gay" equates gay with something that is less than and is derogatory to the gay community. Once I realized that, I eradicated the phrase from my vocabulary.

Sometimes words and phrases have become so accepted and ingrained in our language that they go unnoticed. An example is the use of the word "pussy" to chide someone who is fearful or lacks a backbone or basically is just doing something we deem, once again, "less than". I have heard women use the word...women who are feminists and are (rightfully) pissed off when they hear someone say "throw like a girl" and other phrases of that ilk throw around the word pussy, oftentimes, without blinking an eye. Because it is such a common usage of the term, the use and the damage frequently goes unnoticed and unaddressed. I chose these two examples to illustrate my point but there are numerous examples of this unfortunate reality.

I liken the use of these terms to chronic toxicity. Casual use of these words and phrases and the repeated exposure to them over the course of time chips away at a person's heart, soul and self esteem. It also works to damage an entire people's collective consciousness.

This brings me back to the two quotes I mentioned earlier...I believe that if I do not want sexist terms to be used casually and not so casually, it is my responsibility to be conscious of and deliberate about the words and phrases I allow in my vocabulary. What we, as a society and individual people, deem as acceptable language is a form of justice.

If I ask for justice for my gender, I want to ask for it for everyone and practice daily justice in my own personal life. I will do and be the change I wish to see in this world. In the same way chronic toxicity can kill slowly over time, positive changes on a daily basis accrue to make this world more just for all of us...and that is something each of us has the power to do every day.

The Bang and Let Go Kind of Girl

Holaa everyone. I’m going to be completely honest here in saying that I never know how to begin these blog posts. It’s like, do I start off with a legit introduction sentence like I would in an essay orrrrr do I just ramble a little bit for the first paragraph until I finally tell everyone what I’m going to write about? I guess this time I chose the ladder. The hardest part about writing for this blog is honestly choosing what to write about, which is probably why I’m still babbling, but okay okay I will shut up and cut to the chase.

So anyway, for those of you who don’t know me, I am 21, about to graduate college, very loud and outspoken, and oh yeah, I’ve never been in love before. I never had that high school sweetheart that I gave myself to and then later he broke my heart, nor have I met what many people think will be their future spouse in college. Needless to say I have had flings with people before, but I have never been in a committed relationship.

Now, most recently I was out with a few of my friends and I was complaining to one of my close guy friends about the dating habits of guys my age today. I was complaining about how guys think it is okay to get shitfaced drunk and then proceed to call a girl at bar close to either get some late night “lovin” or to simply have someone to cuddle up to at the end of the night. This is today’s modern form of dating (too many blog posts on this topic already) and I was complaining about this fucked up dynamic we have created and instead of playing into it, saying that I would not be one of those girls to answer that 2 a.m. phone call.

My friend didn’t really agree with me and said that it just seems that that’s how most dudes operate. “You’re the one that doesn’t let dudes in,” he followed up with. “You strike me as the bang and let go kind of girl.” Now, you can probably see where I would be a little offended hearing these statements but to be honest, I really wasn’t offended because I’ve been hearing this shit since I was old enough to kiss a guy.

The annoying part of hearing stuff like “you seem sexually experienced” or “you just have that face that seems like you’d be down to fuck” is that people who say this kind of stuff are judging me based solely on what I show on the surface. I wear makeup, I’m a bit sassy, I swear a little too much and I’m not afraid to tell someone what I’m thinking.  I’m not quiet or soft and can shoot the shit back at the guys. Oh yeah, so that immediately makes me a slut.

I was kind of taken aback by the statements my friend said because one day I truly do want to fall in love with someone and find that person as weird as I am. In the meantime, however, I am not just going to settle for Joe Schmo just for the sake of being in a relationship. People continuously tell me that I don’t let guys in, but let me tell you, no guy has tried that hard to get in or break down the walls that I put up. No guy has persistently tried to get to know me, hell, no guy has actually even asked me out on a real date! (I know that’s asking a lot for my generation)

I do let people see the soft, vulnerable sides of me (my sisters, close friends, and maybe a boyfriend one day), but it takes a lot for me to do that, and maybe it does for everyone, but I’m not willing to just throw that part of me out there for just anyone and I think that’s okay. This is probably the reason I haven’t been “attached” to anyone, but I think that at this point in my life I’m better off this way. I think it’s healthy that I’m not in an unhealthy relationship because based on my track record of going for some real winners, I would probably be attached to someone and stuck in a fucked up relationship.

I also had no clue what a good relationship looked like up until I was 20 years old. My parents’ marriage was nearing the end by the time I was born, so I grew up in an environment with a very cold atmosphere. I never saw them kiss or complement each other and at age 6 I thought it was completely and utterly normal for parents to not sleep in the same bed. I thank God that I have older sisters to show me what a loving relationship looks like. My second oldest sister, Jill, has been happily and not so happily married to her husband John for 8 years now. I say happily and not so happily because those two have shown me that marriage is full of love and sometimes hatred, but through both feelings you’re going to have to get through it with each other because you made a promise to one another. Molly is going to be married this May and I thank her because she has shown me that it is okay need your spouse and also be needed. Sometimes you will be the caretaker and other times you will be the one getting taken care of and there is no shame in either of those.

So, I guess I am a little bit skeptical of opening up to someone because up until recent years, I have only seen the cons in doing so andI guess now that I have seen what a good relationship looks like; I

know what I want to “attach” myself to. If I’m going to open up with a chance of me possibly getting my heart broken, you can bet your ass it’s going to be with a person worth it.

I guess the entire point of this blog post was to get your guys’ opinions, though. Do you guys think that it’s strange, healthy, unhealthy, etc. that I’m 21 years young and have never been in love or attached myself to anyone? What factors allow you to open yourself up to certain people and not with others? I would love to know your thoughts, as this is a question I am constantly struggling with and over analyzing just a hair too muchJ.

Here's to All of Us: '14-'15

Hello and happy 2015, folks!!!

As this is our blog’s first post in 2015, I feel as though I should start it off with a bang. I should post about something exciting…or controversial…or challenging…or…well, you get the picture.

Truth is, it’s January, there is snow on the ground, the temperature is in the single digits, and I find that I am not feeling my usual level of spark. Blech. January. I have been trying to find more appreciation for winter this year; I can’t avoid the cold/snow living in the Midwest, and there is no point in feeling miserable for 3 months. Consequently, I have been trying to enjoy that I have more time right now to read and relax. And after running around wildly this past summer and fall, I HAVE enjoyed having more time to regroup with myself. However, it still does not negate the subzero temperatures and dark, and so I find myself with less zest than usual.

Anyhow, I have been thinking about New Year’s lately. Like so many other topics, I have some ambivalent feelings about New Years and resolutions/goals/intentions/commitments. First of all, I appreciate any holiday that encourages people to reflect. I love the idea of reflecting on what happened during the previous calendar year; I think it’s imperative to reflect upon our challenges, our successes, and our growth. One practice that I started for the first time this year was to write a list of everything that I was proud of in 2014. As someone who tends to be a bit hard on herself, I initiated this practice so that I could remind myself of the ways that I had succeeded. Some of them were fairly significant (like teaching my first college course), but I also included some less obvious successes (like initiating a set monthly dinner with some friends). I felt both so empowered, and blessed, afterward that I started encouraging several of my bereaved clients to do it as well.

In addition to reflecting on the past year, I also think that it’s important to take time to think of the ways we want to be more intentional in the upcoming year.  Humans are habitual creatures, and without being intentional about change, we probably won’t.

I think my ambivalence about New Year’s goals/intentions/resolutions/commitments comes from a couple of different places. First, it seems to me that there is often this underlying notion that we will somehow have an ontological shift once we go from December 31^st to January 1^st. That we will somehow magically be different creatures who do all of the “right” things. I don’t think that human change is ever really that drastic, and if it is that drastic, it’s not sustainable. In my experience and observation, most positive change happens in small increments over an extended period of time.  And if we don’t find a way to habituate ourselves to the goal/resolution/commitment- to make it a part of either our everyday lives, practice, or character - I also believe the change is less likely to endure.

I also feel irritation that “lose weight” is continually one of the top goals. Now, don’t get me wrong- I am certainly aware of obesity rates in America. However, phrasing it as “lose weight” seems shallow to me as it is primarily based on one’s appearance. I want people to take pride in their bodies, but I want them to take pride in their bodies for more than just how it looks. I want people to take pride that they became stronger. That they built up more endurance. That they became more flexible. That they used their bodies in creative ways. “Losing weight” just does not have enough depth, and I worry about the one-dimensional value it conveys.

Finally, I also have concerns about the level of goals that we set for ourselves, and then the shame and guilt that we endure when we do not reach them. Sometimes it seems as though new year’s goals are chance for us to write down EVERYTHING we think needs to be better about ourselves and our lives. That we want to succeed with our health, appearance, finances, career, relationships, education, self-care, etc. We want to do ALL the things (Read this post by another blog for a hilarious commentary on this subject). And again, I think that this degree of change is neither attainable or sustainable. And my concern is that we feel shame/guilt when we do not succeed, and this makes us avoid it even more, and it creates a nasty, perpetual cycle.

All that being said, here is my list of intentions for 2015.  It’s not a glamorous list by any means, and I’m sure it has its own shortcomings.  However, it is what it is- it’s simply what I would like to do in the coming year that I have not done before.

1)   Pass level 1 Aerial (I started taking aerial silks classes in December, and they have been great! I will probably do a post on it sometime in the future).

2)   Read 30 books (I love reading, and it enriches my life in so many different ways.  I want to make sure I am being intentional about building it into my schedule).

3)   Pay off 1 of my student loans

4)   Paint my bedroom (It currently has hunter green trim. Yikes).

5)   Maintain the life-giving practices that I already had in 2014 (such as intentional time with family and friends).

I also plan on focusing on “patience” and “grace” this coming year. I’ve noticed several ways that our culture of instant gratification affects me (Read HERE for more details), and I want to try and be more patient with myself, with others, with God, with time. Additionally, I want to focus on grace- extending it to both myself and others. I don’t have anything “measurable” with my goals of patience and grace- but I have them posted as reminders in a couple of places.

I also thought about having a goal for this blog. That’s one that I need to talk about further with the other sisters as this is a collaborative project. But I would like to potentially think about growing our blog. Right now, we primarily promote on Facebook, and that does not reach as many people as we would like because of the method Facebook uses to determine what shows up in your newsfeed. I don’t always like “growth” as a goal, but I do like the notion of discussing our ideas with a greater number of people. That being said, if the only people that ever read our blog is our immediate family, I will still count it as a success.

So, here’s to 2015 with new challenges and successes. And I ask you, fellow readers, what are your thoughts on New Year’s goals/resolutions/commitments/intentions? Do you do them? Why/why not? If so, what are they?

And one final closing thought- thank you, readers, for reading our blog in 2014. Here’s to another year of Dissident Daughters.