To Unfriend or Not Unfriend: That is The Question

Well, let me just start by stating the obvious: 2020 has been one hell of a year. Between impeachment proceedings, an ongoing pandemic, and advocacy for dismantling systemic racism; the year has been full of intense trials.

There are several topics within each of these momentous events, and Dissident Daughters has written a couple of posts about them. Additionally, there are numerous other thoughtful individuals that have written, stated, filmed, protested, and discussed these ongoing issues. Today, however, I want to write about our social media engagement regarding challenging events.

First, let me be clear that these issues are literally life and death issues. They are of utmost importance because of the profound implications they have on people’s lives. I do not underestimate their significance, prevalence, or proliferation.

Nevertheless, what I DO have mixed feelings about is how we engage with them on social media. I have numerous posts I would like to write regarding our social media engagement with intense topics, but today, I want to discuss the following subject:

Unfriending someone who does not agree with us.

In the last couple of months, I have seen several people vocalize their “unfriending” of people on social media. For example, I saw a couple of my friends profess this dissolution on a contentious post about Iowa reopening from the pandemic. Another time, I saw someone post a Facebook status and declared that if someone did not agree, they could go ahead and unfriend them. Zero effs- either you are on my train, or unfriend me and get the rock off. 

On the one hand, I understand this need to “unfriend.” Sometimes we need to set boundaries for our own mental health, and if seeing someone’s views is detrimental to our well-being, we may need to unfriend them. Moreover, I completely understand that these are “life and death” issues on multiple levels. So, to see someone disagree with us feels like a slap in the face to what we view as foundational, life-giving truths.  We unfriend them not only because of our mental health, but because staying friends with them seems as though we are endorsing their profoundly hurtful views.

I don’t unfriend many people, but I definitely have selectively unfriended people before. One of them happened just a couple of months ago for a very painful reason. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that I needed to unfriend this person for all of the reasons enumerated above and then some. I’ve experienced the need- and bittersweet relief- of unfriending someone on social media.

However….(and there is always a however!), unfriending someone simply doesn’t always sit well with me. Here’s why:

Let’s say that hypothetically, your viewpoint is the correct one in terms of it being more informed and ethical. I’m not going to go into a philosophical debate about what constitutes truth here. Regardless, let’s just say that hypothetically, you ARE more correct with your viewpoint than this other person on social media. As much as one person can be correct with all of life’s complexity, you are the winner compared to this other individual.

…Does that necessarily mean you should unfriend the person? If they disagree with your statuses, memes, and truths? Well, even if you are the one with the more “correct,” viewpoint, I STILL think it’s important to hear other people. No, I don’t think we should privilege these voices (we definitely need to do better at privileging the voices of marginalized groups), but I think we should still hear other people, particularly the ones that have made their way onto our social media friend list. I think we should hear them because a) they are still another human being that deserves the dignity of being acknowledged as such; and b) the more we hear other voices, the more we understand WHY people have the viewpoints they do. For example, I sure as hell don’t agree with people that espouse racist viewpoints, but if we want to address racism, we need to understand what those views are and why they continue to be promulgated. Finally- and I know this final reason is a bit idealistic, but I hold onto it nonetheless- I still believe there is the possibility that we can be somewhat changed by each other’s views (if it happens in the right circumstances. News flash: posting memes doesn’t change jack squat). I simply don’t think that any of us possess ALL of the truth, and we learn a little bit more about the world by hearing each other’s experience.

Let me give an example. As many of you know, my full-time career is with hospice as a grief counselor. I was visiting with a woman recently who lost her spouse in May. And talking with her was definitely a challenge because she was very angry about the protests that occurred after George Floyd’s death. It was an incredibly difficult situation because I had to walk the line of 1) not endorsing or promoting racist statements; 2) also needing to hear her story and her pain.  

The reason the woman was so hurt and angry was because of the extreme number of people that congregated together to protest George Floyd’s death and systemic racism. She was in tears because they were able to be together in mass numbers, whereas when her husband died, she was only allowed to have 9 other people present to witness his life.

I felt tears start to gather in my own eyes as she described the lack of honoring her husband’s legacy, and the crippling loneliness that ensued due to contact restrictions from the pandemic. “Why, Anne, couldn’t I also have people present to honor my husband? That seems only fair to me. They are able to get together, so I should be able to have people together. Now I’m stuck here, all alone, just waiting for myself to die.” She was shaking as she described how unfair it was that suddenly mass gatherings were okay for that cause, but for her husband, she could only have a few other people around to celebrate his 80 years and their 50+ years of marriage.  

What on earth do we do with this? I wholeheartedly support the protests, and systemic racism is a FACT in this country. And yet, this woman’s pain, loneliness, and desire to be heard is also incredibly real. I did the best I could. I validated her feelings of pain and loneliness, as well as how incredibly unfair it was that she was not able to be surrounded with support. Additionally, I did state that the protests were legitimate and needed to occur as a means of deconstructing systemic power imbalances. I tried to uphold BOTH truths at once, and I did not pit or compare them to one another. I did also mention that in addition to protesters wearing masks and gathering outside, I thought it followed that a similar model could- and should- be replicated with graveside services.

Did I handle this perfectly? Probably not. This stuff is complex. I’m sure I effed up somewhere. Did I do my best? Yes, I did. I did my best to honor my ethics surrounding oppression, AND I did my best to honor my ethics of acknowledging the person before me as a human being made in the image of God. It was a difficult line to walk.

But I am SO grateful for experiences like this one because they force me to continue to expand my own worldview. Did I change my views on the protests/racism? No, I did not. But I DID hear another person’s perspective and the pain they felt in what they perceived as a double standard. And she DID have some points to consider. Again, let me be clear- I firmly stand behind the protests. But what criteria am I (and others) using to legitimize mass gatherings? Advocating for the deconstruction of systemic racism is incredibly time sensitive because of all of the deaths caused through unequal access to health care, police force brutality, etc. They definitely needed to happen. But…is grieving the death of a loved one also time sensitive? Is gathering with loved ones after devastating loss also a necessary and life-giving need? I would say yes. Both are necessary, but for very different reasons.

I was changed by my encounter with this woman, and I hope she was changed too. I hope she felt heard, and I hope she reconsidered some of the perspectives she had about the protests. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t. But I was different. 

Ultimately, I give this example to illustrate how integral it is that we don’t always dump people as friends on social media. There can be truth within their viewpoints, even if parts of them may sometimes be fundamentally wrong or unhelpful.

I don’t have clear guidelines or an answer about when we should keep people as friends on social media versus when we should unfriend them. What I want to do with this post, however, is to encourage you to be incredibly reflective before you unfriend someone on social media. Remember, the person you are unfriending is a real, live human being. I am fearful with our consumerist ways that we ditch people the same way we ditch coffee cups, fast fashion, and disposable wipes. They are an inconvenience to us, they bother us, and so we remove them from our lives so we do not have to deal with them.

This, too, is dangerous. It desensitizes us to other people as human beings, and it also cultivates an insular community in which we continually only see ourselves looking back at us. Diversity and loving others doesn’t just mean loving marginalized group. Diversity and loving others also means loving people that possess broken and flawed truths.

Sometimes we need to unfriend someone. Other times we don’t. Take the time to deeply reflect upon it when you make the decision.

Lost in the Desert

Hey everyone! It’s me and I’m late on the blog this week. Time has and continues to keep slipping away from me nowadays. We’re kind of in that weird state here where 60% of people and businesses are back to their new normal, while the other 40% of people and business are caught in the quarantine purgatory. The 40% is not yet able to work at the office, but other businesses are starting to open, so it feels like life has kind of resumed normally, but behind a Zoom screen still. Anyway, that’s not what I will be posting about this week, but felt the need to explain my lateness to you all J.

Recently I went on a hike with one of my roommates, Julia B. I’ve known Julia for two years now and we have always had meaningful and thought provoking conversations, and recently due to the quarantine, our communication and time together has picked up as a result of having a lot of it to spare. Julia’s and my conversations are usually centered around love, life, challenges, books, beauty, sadness and any other emotion in the novel of life you can think of. Julia tends to push my thinking around vulnerability and I tend to push her thinking around being.

On the most recent hike, which I mentioned in the previous paragraph, Julia voiced to me that she had the desire to and felt the calling to spend some time in the desert. I inquired a little further to find out that metaphorically, she currently feels like she’s lost in the desert. She painted the following picture for me:

Julia- I’m sitting in the desert and not sure which way to go.

Kristen- Is this a temporary destination or a permanent one?

Julia- Temporary, for sure.

Kristen- What are you looking for? There’s a lot of vastness in the desert.

Julia- I think I’m looking for the oasis.

Kristen- What do you want to do there?

Julia- Be and drink the water, but only temporarily.

Kristen- Okay, and then what? What do you do once that objective has been accomplished?

Julia- Then, I keep looking for civilization.

Kristen- Okay, what are you hoping civilization brings to you?

Julia- Belonging and purpose.

I appreciated Julia’s description of being lost in the desert, as I too have been there a few times in my life. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all intentionally or unintentionally flirted with the vastness of the desert before (moving, ending a relationship, starting a new job, grieving a death, having a child, not knowing what’s next for us, etc.). I think that it’s so easy to want to fix and fast forward through these uncomfortable and uncertain situations, as we so badly long to find out what’s next and when the uncertainty is going to end. We want to jump to our next destination to avoid the realness and rawness of our current one, and we think that reaching our next destination will make us feel validated, safe and purposeful; we think we will feel better if x thing ends.

I’m here to tell you all that reaching civilization will not bring you belonging and purpose. We do not grow as humans, nor become the best versions of ourselves by fast forwarding to where we’re going. It’s the shit we experience along the way that molds and shapes us into who we want and are meant to be. It's in the heartache, death, sadness, despair, lostness and stillness that we find meaning and connection. Perhaps finding civilization is not where we find our belonging and purpose, but rather where we use and share the belonging and purpose we found on our way there.

Light and Love

I wanted to share this article, titled "My White Friend Asked Me on Facebook to Explain White Privilege. I Decided to Be Honest."

I've been thinking all week about how to write about what I want to write about and acknowledge. I haven't come up with a good way yet and it's getting toward the end of my week to post. I considered skipping my week and avoiding it (thank you, ineffective coping mechanism that has gotten me this far in life!). As I've learned in yoga and through some hard life lessons, it's about showing up, making progress, and grace...not perfection...so here it goes.

I want to talk about the horrible murder of George Floyd, Jr. on May 25, 2020. I want to confront the abhorrent racism present in this country - both the covert, institutionalized, socialized racism and the overt, violent (both in words and deeds) racism - which have existed since this country's inception and have been nurtured and allowed to thrive within the past four years under the "leadership" (haha!) of President Trump. I also feel that by talking about how I feel and what I think takes away from the people right now who are fighting to be heard and seen and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be another white person writing about this - and yet here I am - because I am sad and my heart hurts for people and I don't know what else to do. I'm going to make a mess and I hope that it's okay if I stumble and fall, as long as I'm trying to do and be better.

Wednesday in yoga, our instructor asked us to get out of our comfort zones in class...to challenge ourselves. He made the point that growth does not occur in a place of routine comfort (in our recliners with a drink in our hand) - growth is a result of discomfort. When he asked us to set an intention, the words "LIGHT and LOVE" popped into my head. I didn't really know why.

Then, towards the middle of class, he also said that part of growth is being willing to shine a light into the dark corners of our lives...and to look at them...and to look at them without judgment. Just look at them and acknowledge them and, maybe, if we believe (as I do) that our main purposes here in this world are to better love ourselves and others and to grow in our beautifully flawed humanness, maybe we make some changes.

It was then that I knew what light and love meant for me in my intention and that it pertains to Black Lives Matter, white privilege, inclusion, and diversity, and all the things I still don't know about that I should include here. I want to be better. I want to learn what those things are.

I want to read the things I need to read, hear the things I need to hear, and support the people and organizations I need to support. As with anything, putting action in place of intention might (will) be messy. I will probably fuck some things up. Say something it's not my place to say, think I understand something when I really have no clue, miss an opportunity for growth or action.

That is where the love comes in...shining the light with love means that when I fuck up, I acknowledge said fuck up, make amends, and do better next time...all without berating myself for not knowing something I am trying to learn. When there is judgment and love is absent, it becomes less likely that I, or anyone else, will continue to shine light on our dark corners...and that is what we need to keep doing to make ourselves and our communities better than they are now.

I have committed to trying to do better and be better for Black Lives Matter, for black people, for all organizations working for the same thing, and for all people who live inside our racist system. It's going to be messy - I'm sure I already fucked up one (or ten) things up with this post. Please be patient with me - shine the light on my dark corners and do it with love and we can grow together. Thank you for allowing me this space and opportunity to have my voice heard, to learn from all of you, to share community with you. Thank you for letting me be messy.

Liberty and Justice for Some

Hi! I’m writing this and listening to Counting Crows. Seriously, who remembers that band?! I just don’t have much to say these days. I don’t know what it is. I feel muted, slightly disconnected and just way too calm. 2020 has just been one weird year and I guess it has also left me feeling a bit off. What isn’t off right now? I’m going to try to tap into some anger so I can write something compelling but I’m not sure if I can even get my go-to emotion activated  right now. Wait, give me a minute. Yep, there it is. So here we go.

I’m disgusted by the George Floyd situation. Absolutely disgusted by a culture that protects and polices its own. You see, we are awful at seeing the truth when it comes to our friends or people we know. It doesn’t align with what we know of the person, and so our brain looks for ways to make the information make sense. Hence, we don’t believe it could happen, and our brain convinces us it did not happen. I don’t know all the deets of the officer that held his knee to a man’s throat for 8 minutes for writing a bad check. I do know he had other complaints against him. I don’t know the particulars but in other contexts, we might call that a pattern. But, internal justice systems are dysfunctional and so it doesn’t surprise me none of the complaints were found to be valid. Not one bit. 

It triggers the shit out of me because of my time in the military. Now that I’m officially retired I can write with a bit more freedom. I’ll tell you that the last two years of my career were spent fighting against such a culture. You see, at least in male dominated professions, this internal policing is done by men, for men and benefits men. I can’t count how many times, when dealing with an allegation of sexual assault, I heard some male say, “ He wouldn’t do that, he is a nice guy.” I would spout off some research or use the example that being a nice guy was exactly what enabled them to take advantage of a person and it would fall on deaf ears or I’d be written off as crazy and emotional. Most of the time, there wasn’t enough “evidence” to do anything to the perpetrator so the victim simply left the Army. And the man would still be in and get promoted.  But hey, he was a good guy so I’m sure he wouldn’t do it again ( sarcasm here). So, what recourse does one have against such systemic failure?Well, in the Army you can file an Inspector General (IG) complaint. For police there is Internal Affairs. Yet these sub-organizations are designed to give the member of the organization the benefit of the doubt. In the Army, unless something violates a black and white rule, an IG complaint won’t be founded. It doesn’t matter how unethical or immoral an act is. Most people don’t know this about these internal justice systems. But I lived it and gave up my career because of it. You see, I filed an IG complaint regarding the handling of sexual assault cases in the Iowa Army National Guard. There. Now everyone knows or can have it confirmed. I filed it in May of 2017. I also filed a Congressional Inquiry with Senator Ernst’s office. And then I waited. It took two years for the investigation to even begin. Apparently, no one knew who was supposed to investigate it so it went untouched. Finally, when someone picked it up off the desk it had been gathering dust on, they sent it back to Iowa-the very organization that the allegation was against- to investigate. So the Iowa National Guard leadership and Command knew a complaint had been filed and they were bound and determined to find out who did it. During those two years and beyond, I lived in absolute fear of being found out. I stopped sleeping. I had panic attacks whenever it was brought up. During those two years, more women were assaulted only to have their complaints be lost on someone’s desk or deemed unfounded. And during those two years, I slowly felt parts of myself die. I called and tried to retract my complaint because I just needed it to be over. That was not allowed apparently. Then, I got calls from 5 different people over the course of six months, as the turd of a complaint that was filed by a real asshole was being passed around because no one knew what to do with it. I had to tell the story 5 different times, and each time, it became harder and harder to have any hope or faith. Honestly, it revictimized me every time I had to re-tell what was happening.  Eventually, even though my complaint was supposed to be anonymous, someone in the IG office fucked up and emailed the Command’s attorney using the term the “Finken Complaint.” And just like that I was outed. I was threatened. I was treated poorly. I was shunned. But it didn’t rise to actionable retaliation.  And after over two years, I could not take it anymore. I retired to save the little pieces of me I had left. I still don’t know what happened with the complaint or if it was founded. I know Iowa changed how they investigated sexual assaults after that but it didn’t help me, nor did it help anyone who made an allegation prior to 2019. Countless women, including me, are no longer in the military. Countless men, with allegations of harassment and assault, remain in the ranks. So did I win? No, I don’t think I did. 

The police force is much like the military. I haven’t worked as a police officer but I do believe they have similar, parallel issues. I have seen calls for an independent review board to review police brutality allegations. Senator Gillebrand tried something similar for the military since we were botching so many sexual assault cases but big surprise, the military opposed it and the bill did not pass. I fear the same thing will happen with a police independent review board. 

 Basically, after experiencing all of this,  it doesn’t surprise me bad cops are protected. I’m sure they are “good guys.” Here is what we need to remember though. Good guys can still do bad things. No one is all good or all bad. Who you see at work can be different than who you see at home. Sometimes, the scariest person isn’t the devil you don’t know-it’s the one you do know and trust. I’m sure the cops in the Floyd case did many good things. It doesn’t mean, however, that they are incapable of doing bad things on occasion. Binary thinking is easy for us-good and bad, right and wrong. But it’s a mental shortcut that I don’t think we can continue to take in a complex world with very wicked problems. 

Too Crazy

My daughter and second generation Dissident Daughter, Adeline, has always been active, mobile, energetic, and agile. 

In utero, on two separate occasions, both our nurse practitioner and busy, in-demand obstetrician paused during appointments with us and spent extra time just to marvel at how she would flip and turn in my womb and how her heart rate would fluctuate because of her antics.

She came rip roaring into the world in less than 24 minutes upon our arrival to the hospital leaving me no time for any pain reducing meds and sending the medical staff scrambling to even have a room ready for delivery. She was over a week late but when she was ready, she was ready!

At her one-day old appointment with the pediatrician in the hospital, the pediatrician remarked how she was stronger than some infants of a couple months old because she could control her upper body when being pulled up by her arms.

At six months old when I was helping LJ brush his teeth in the bathroom, we heard something similar to what it would sound like if there was fish flopping down our hallway and there was Adeline, putting together a combination of a fish flop, a roll, and an army crawl in order to move herself into the action.

At seven months she was easily pulling herself up to standing, at nine months she was walking and at eleven months she was near running. For those without kids or for those who may have forgotten, she hit these milestones well ahead of when she was “supposed” to.


This post is by no means a post just for me to brag about my daughter. While I DO think my daughter is special, I clearly understand that every child hits milestones at a different rate and it usually has no predictive value about how “successful” they will be later in life. 
Rather, this post is somewhat of a continuation from Kristen’s latest post entitled “Be a Goddamn Cheetah” where she talked about the many ways that the world sent her “taming” messages as a little girl. After writing that post, Kristen asked me if I had a recent example of trying to be tamed. While I had many, I explained to her that these days I was more cognizant of not trying to tame my own daughter and provided the following example:

As already mentioned, Adeline loves to MOVE. For Christmas this year we got the kids a joint gift – a popular item these days called The Nugget. It is basically a couch for kids that can be taken apart and utilized for whatever their imaginations desire with popular creations being a fort and a slide. LJ loves taking the top part off of The Nugget setting it up on our real couch on an angle so that he can then slide all the way from the top of our real couch to the living room floor. He could play this for hours….and so could Adeline.

The issue is that Adeline is so tiny that she starts at the top and flips all the way to the bottom. One time she went so fast that Larry and I thought she almost broke her neck. We started not allowing them to make a slide unless they were under close supervision. LJ couldn’t understand why so we tried to simplify it and started saying “because Adeline gets too crazy.”

The same goes for our king bed. LJ loves to play and roll on our bed while we are getting ready for the day. However, Adeline is still too young to understand where her body is in space and she would flip right off the edge of the bed if we let her on it unsupervised. So again, explaining to LJ why he can’t let Adeline on to the bed with him we simplified it and said “because she gets too crazy.”

Well, a couple of weeks ago, I was getting ready and LJ got onto our bed to play. I was in the other room getting ready and heard him tell Adeline that she could not get on the bed because “you ARE too crazy.” Though he transformed the words a little bit from us saying “she gets too crazy” to “you are too crazy,” I knew what LJ Was trying to do.  I knew that he did not mean any harm by it. He’s actually a rule follower and was just trying to keep her off the bed as we had asked. However, my heart skipped a beat and if I was a cartoon character, one would have seen a light bulb appear above my head. I thought aloud to myself, “I hope to God nobody EVER tells you that again in your life. You are not too crazy, little girl, nor do you get too crazy. You are a vibrant, active little girl who knows no fear, who knows no cage, and who knows no taming. I hope you stay crazy forever.” 

Though Larry and I started the “too crazy” thing to keep her safe, which IS our number one job as parents, it kind of morphed into something else when I heard someone else saying it to her. I already knew this, but was reminded again of how our words have meaning and how especially with kids we need to be intentional about the phrases we use them with them.

Adeline, I hope that you are always “too crazy.” Maybe you will be “crazy” like Dissident Daughter Amy who was crazy enough to run and qualify for the Boston Marathon. Maybe you will be “crazy” like Dissident Daughter Jill who is crazy enough almost every summer to go on a road trip across the US driving hours upon hours to spend time with her family and see the beauty of America. Maybe you will be “crazy” like Dissident Daughter Anne who was crazy enough to pursue her passion as a religion major even though she was told she would make no money doing it. Maybe you will be “crazy” like Dissident Daughter Kristen who was crazy enough to move to California without knowing anyone simply because she felt the mountains were calling her. And maybe you will be crazy like me – crazy enough to write this blog and to care about keeping other women “crazy” and untamed.

Ethical Engagement: Pandemic Version

I have been incredibly humbled several times the last couple of months during the pandemic. My hope is that all of you have been humbled as well, and regardless if you have, I encourage everyone to find ways to be humbled in the future and to engage in difficult discourse.

I’m going to be perfectly candid for a second. I consider myself to possess above average intelligence in terms of critical thinking and comprehension of multifaceted issues. Moreover, as someone who studies and practices theology as a professional career, I’m more than cognizant of the inherent complexity of the world in terms of ethical issues. My experience of the last couple of months, however, has been even more humbling than usual as I witness the profound moral ambiguity surrounding the decisions to address COVID-19.

I think what upsets me more than anything at the present is when people do NOT recognize that these decisions ARE laden with layers of complexity; decisions about reopening, combatting the virus, etc. have protracted implications that are far beyond anyone’s comprehension. Addressing the pandemic is NOT simply a “right” vs. “wrong” decision, just as many actual ethical dilemmas are not. And I have been humbled by the degree of nuance in this situation, and I hope that many others have- or will be- too.

This past weekend is a prime example. As many of us know, Iowa received permission to partially open restaurants, salons, and gyms at 50% capacity in its remaining 22 counties (including Polk/Dallas, which is the most heavily populated part of our state.) And this decision was met with significant CONTROVERSY. Some people were cheering for this decision, and other people were not. A number of my friends on Facebook were frustrated with this decision because they did not think it was safe enough to open due to the fact that we were not far enough past our peak. As a way of venting this frustration, they posted statuses from all of the restaurants in the area that were choosing to NOT comply with this loosened restriction; these restaurants would still be operating on a carryout/delivery basis only.

First, I want to validate that I LOVE that people care so much about people’s safety. In a world filled with mass consumerism and obsession over the almighty dollar, it’s incredible to see people value people’s health and lives as a top priority. However, my concern is that in pursuance of these values, people’s understanding of the situation misses several nuances and context that are ALSO vital in knowing how to make decisions that lead to human flourishing. (I know that I certainly am guilty of missing parts of the context!) And so, in the above example, the implicit assumption then seems to be this: “Restaurants that open for dine in are “bad.” Restaurants that remain closed for dine in are “good.” Whether or not individuals intend for this to be the message, it is certainly a justifiable interpretation based on the statuses presented. Posting statuses only from restaurants that are NOT opening- without any other context or words- seems to suggest that these are the restaurants we need to pay attention to and patronize because they are doing the “right” thing.

Nevertheless, the “right” decision is not usually so simple, nor is it easily mandated as the most “moral” decision to every single business across the city/state. Here are a couple of examples of how I was “humbled” as I learned just how complex the decision to reopen or not was for restaurants. One of my Facebook friends (who is also a small business owner), explained that for some restaurants, they might be sticking with carryout/delivery because it’s a better financial decision. Since restaurants have to maintain <50% capacity, they won’t be making as much money, and so it’s better for them economically to simply do carryout/delivery because then they don’t have to pay extra staff. So, what is driving restaurants decision to open vs. not open? I’m sure there are a VARIETY of factors, and they really DO care about the health and safety of their staff. However…let’s be honest, economics HAS to play into their decision in some capacity. It’s not fair to simply state that the restaurants “not opening” are MORE moral because they are staying closed for “health concerns.” Yes, like I said, that certainly could be part of their decision, but it might not be all of it. Dollars could definitely be a driving factor in their decision. And, if restaurants are smart, they are GOING to phrase it as a concern for public safety because it sells. #shrug Now, I’m definitely not blasting restaurants that do this right now- they simply need to earn an income and put food on the table like the rest of us. What I AM saying, however, is that it is a gross oversimplification to say that one restaurant is more “moral” than the other simply based on their decision to reopen or not because you don’t know the entire context.

Here’s another example. Dissident Daughter, Amy, is a regular at Drake Diner and knows the staff there pretty well. She informed me that Drake Diner’s situation is fairly fortunate with the pandemic because they have already paid off their mortgage. They’ve been a restaurant staple in Des Moines since 1987, so they don’t have a mortgage. Okay, if a business doesn’t have a mortgage, it is much easier to have some flexibility with your production and business model. You can afford to keep the business afloat and operate on a carryout/delivery basis for a much longer time than a new restaurant. If someone has just opened their restaurant in the last couple of years, they are in a much more precarious financial position. It is so incredibly challenging to pit these businesses against one another as “ethical/right” vs. “unethical/wrong” because their situations are so different. Maybe some are motivated only by profit for their decisions, and maybe some are not. It.Is.Complex.

There’s an argument that can –and has been- made that it doesn’t matter what the particulars are; businesses should not open, period. It does not matter if they are in danger of closing if they don’t open their dining room; the fact is that they simply should not open because it increases our exposure to one another. And, I guess, here’s my stance on this. If you don’t think that restaurants/businesses should be opening, that’s great. I love that you feel that strongly about people’s health and well-being and that you have a passionate opinion. However, a couple of things. 1) If you yourself have a job, you need to acknowledge that your opinion comes from a place of privilege. No, I’m not trying to shame you- we all possess privilege in different ways. I currently have my job (although I did experience an FTE reduction), so I’m personally in a place of privilege. But you DO need to acknowledge that the fact that you have a job and can pay your bills is PRIVILEGE. And so be careful when you make judgments about businesses and restaurants because you do not know what it is like to be desperate for income or to see your dream/future crumbling around you. 2) If you think that businesses should not open, again, that’s great. There’s certainly a strong ethical argument for that, and I myself could potentially be persuaded to believe it (Again, I don’t have firm opinion at the moment because I haven’t done enough research to be satisfied.) BUT, BUT, if you believe they should not open, then you sure as hell better be advocating for some sort of universal basic income or recurring monthly pandemic payments from Congress. And I don’t just mean that you should possess these beliefs- you should be acting and advocating for them. You should be calling representatives, encouraging others to do so, writing opinion pieces, lobbying for support, etc.  Because if people don’t have any other safety net, they honestly don’t have any other choice but TO OPEN. I don’t think it’s fair to judge someone for trying to put food on the table with the only means they have and then not support them in any other way.

We absolutely need to be having these conversations because the situation is so complex. Because here’s the other wrinkle in these ethical dilemmas; I also don’t think that we should unequivocally accept people’s decisions. That’s another trend that has been occurring on social media. People are starting to realize that the situation is complex (#progress) and variables are different for each individual and business, so now there’s a push to simply “accept” whatever decision the individual/business makes because they must know what’s best for them.

I also really struggle with this because individuals cannot possibly possess all of the world’s wisdom unto themselves themselves, and this “acceptance” philosophy reeks of 1) blind individualistic assumptions about epistemology; and 2) a lack of knowing how to engage in difficult conversations with one another. I, Anne Alesch, do NOT have all of the answers about how the hell to conduct my life. I WANT people to challenge me with alternative opinions and experiences. If someone simply accepts that I know what’s best for myself, how can I ever grow? How can I ever expand and diversify my wisdom? Like I mentioned, by most standards, I’m a fairly intelligent individual. And yet, if I did not have other people challenge or push me, I would have started wearing a mask probably a month later than I did. One of my good friends is a case manager for Taylor House, and she mailed me a mask very early in the pandemic. Not only did she kindly do this, she informed me of all of the reasons that I needed to wear it. (Like I said, this was very early in the pandemic- late March- before masks became so ubiquitous and the justification for wearing them so clear and prevalent.) And she was right- I didn’t want to wear a mask, but she convinced me otherwise. So I wore the damn mask way back in March because she helped me grow. What if my friend had simply said, “You do you, boo. You know yourself best”? I wouldn’t have worn a mask, and who knows what sort of germs I may have spewed in the month until I was forced to start wearing one. Surface level acceptance is NOT good enough; we have to be open to having difficult conversations with one another. (And before I sound like a pompous asshole, believe me, there are many times during the pandemic and other phases of my life where I have completely screwed this up. I’ve blown my mom and dad out about their beliefs without listening more times than I care to remember.)

And I think that this is where the tension lies; we seem to alternate from one extreme to another. First, we judge the hell out of each other and organizations for decisions and make blanket moral declarations about these determinations, but then we also go to the other extreme where we want to unequivocally accept any decision a person/organization makes because “they must know themselves best.” What is MISSING in both of these extremes is the ability to converse with one another as human beings. What is MISSING is our ability to articulate our context and stance, to be open to possible critiques, and to find ways to constructively challenge someone else’s decisions. Don’t get me wrong- it’s hard as hell. It’s hard as hell to have difficult conversations with one another, especially when the stakes are SO HIGH and when our emotions are running rampant from stress. It’s excruciatingly challenging to not get defensive with someone else’s words, and it’s also equally demanding to find a way to critique someone without being too judgmental and harsh. These conversations are difficult in the best of times, and during a pandemic, they can be downright debilitating.

But we HAVE to do them. We HAVE to practice them. We must practice being less defensive, we must practice compassionate tone and articulation when offering suggestions, and we must practice these discussions. It’s the only way that we will grow as individuals, and it’s the only way that we will grow in our ability to construct effective public policy. We have to listen to the diverse number of stories and ideas, and we have to fine tune them so that we attempt to alleviate the myriad of suffering people are experiencing with this pandemic.

Here’s one example of the benefits that occur from difficult conversations. As I briefly touched on earlier, the universal basic income has received more attention in recent months because of the vast unemployment rates across the country. Like most ideas, this one has its merits along with its drawbacks. Some of the drawbacks include the fact that it could cause inflation, it could decrease incentive to work, and it could reduce funding for other social services. Potentially legitimate critiques, right? Well, someone else fine-tuned the idea, and they said that maybe universal basic income shouldn’t always exist, but there should be “triggers” that set whether or not it is in action. For example, if the national unemployment rate was at a certain level, THEN it would be enacted. Or, like if a state had declared a state of emergency, then it would be enacted. 

I’m not saying that the final version of the idea is one that should be proposed or that it is free of flaws. I’m merely pointing out that we are in a world of hurt right now, and unless we are willing to have difficult conversations where we both LISTEN to someone else’s context and opinion AND are open to PROVIDING compassionate feedback, we are NOT going to be able to come up with creative solutions to minimize the suffering from the sickness, unemployment, isolation, etc.

Moreover, on a more personal level, unless we are willing to listen to each other and offer feedback, we are missing out on an opportunity to deepen our connections. If we judge without listening, or if we accept without conversing, then we are losing our ability to connect and engage on a intimate level. And this, my friends, means that we run the risk of only connecting on the surface level with one another. We hinder our ability to foster that intimacy and understanding that only come when you risk vulnerability with one another.

In summary, ethics are complicated. Don’t make blanket assumptions about someone or something’s morality without better understanding the context, and even then, have some humility. However, don’t also blindly accept decisions because we all need our perspectives challenged so that we can grow and enhance our worldview. Listen, engage, and advocate. Hear one another, provide feedback, and promote new creative solutions so that we can cultivate human flourishing.

Be a Goddamn Cheetah

Then she’d look back at the cage, the only home she’s every known. She’d look at the smiling zookeepers, the bored spectators, and her panting, bouncing, begging best friend, the Lab. She’d sigh and say, “I should be grateful. I have a good enough life here. It’s crazy to long for what doesn’t even exist.”

            I’d say:

Tabitha. You are not crazy.

You are a goddamn cheetah.- Excerpt from Glennon Doyle's book Untamed

The first memory I have of being “tamed” begins the summer of my 2^nd grade year. I grew up in a small town where the only thing to do on a hot summer day was to head to the pool to swim and then get a snow cone at Tropical Sno afterward. My best friend and I at the time would wake up super early and spend our days waiting until the clock hit 12:50 PM because that meant we could hop on our bikes and ride them to the Denison Aquatic Center just in time for the doors to open at 1:00 PM.

Prior to the pool season, I remember extensively debating with myself, as well as my best friend, as to whether or not I should get a two piece or a one piece swimsuit that summer. The little girl in me knew I would be more comfortable in a one piece, as I still had baby fat, and wasn’t sure if I was ready to expose that part of myself to the world yet, and yet, the unstill part of me wanted a two piece because even at age SEVEN that was the appropriate and cool thing to do as a girl. You can probably guess what part of myself I listened to, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this blogpost right now.

I ended up going with a two piece. The top landed a little above my belly button while the bottoms fell a couple inches shy of it. I was everything (insecure, uncomfortable, hungry, scared, annoyed) but confident in that swimsuit. I would spend an hour or so in front of the mirror in the swimsuit, prior to heading to the pool with my best friend, and just stare. I would pinch the fat on my stomach just to see how much I could grab and think thoughts like “Why can’t you have a smaller build? Why aren’t you skinnier? You shouldn’t be wearing this.”

I remember limiting my food intake specifically on pool days. If I was going to the pool, I wasn’t going to eat beforehand with the hopes that I may look a little skinnier at the pool. I also may want to be like a normal kid, and get a snack at the concession stand after swimming, so I wouldn’t want to “overdo” it beforehand. In case you’ve gotten engulfed in the story and need a reminder, I want to restate to everyone that I was SEVEN years old. At age SEVEN, I was already being told how I should look, what I should eat, what I should wear and how I should be. I was SEVEN experiencing firsthand society’s powerful encouragement of what was deemed sweet, normal, appropriate, cute, soft and tranquil for a little girl. I was listening to those voices. When I had barely just learned how to read, how to tie my shoes, how to ride a bike and other activities, I was being told that the body and brain that allowed me to excel at those activities were not quite enough.

Being “tamed” can be defined as making one less powerful or easier to control. As women, we spend our entire lives either forcing ourselves to live inside the cage which traps and suspends our possibilities and power, or we spend our entire life living outside of that cage to receive criticism and judgement for being “too bold, too direct, too wild, too daring, too much.” When we live outside of the cage, we often question whether or not what we’re doing is “normal,” and we often times might want to gravitate back towards that cage where it was extremely miserable and boring, but a little safer and a little more certain.

I’ve always been a pretty strong and bold woman from an outsider’s perspective, although I do have my insecurities (trust me). Needless to say, being “untamed” does not come without fear and questioning, and I am far from reaching a true state of wild. I am authentic and genuine, and yet the little voices in the back of my head always question whether or not I’m “womanly” enough or rather whether or not I’m “tame” enough. Similar to my seven year old swimsuit story, there have been several other instances in which society has “tamed” me and I have let them. I will name a few:

1)    Being told that I couldn’t try out for flag football in 6^th grade because it was a “boy’s sport”

2)    Being told that I couldn’t cut my hair short because it wasn’t a “girl’s hairstyle”

3)    Having sex with men after telling them “no” because it was just easier to succumb than to persist and hold firm a boundary

4)    Making myself consistently puke after every.single.meal for a solid year in college because I wanted to silence the physical and emotional hunger, yet didn’t want to experience the repercussions of eating “bad” food

5)    Being told I’m not girly enough because I prefer kicking a soccer ball to painting my nails

6)    Being asked if I’m a lesbian because I can cuss just as loud and shoot the shit just as well as the guys in the military

7)    Being told I was too sexual, yet not sexual enough, and shutting out the voice that encouraged the exploration of my sexuality

Those are just to name a few times society has “tamed” me. I am not sure that being “untamed” is a constant state, but rather a fluid one we are all working on and fighting to reach one day. A journey in which we listen to our inner voice and follow it so we can be true to ourselves and become the very best version of that true self. Some of us will never flirt with the idea of leaving our cage because we are too comfortable with what we know or too scared of the unknown. Others of us will leave the cage to return after a short period of time because we let the critics and skeptics take away our voice and power; the wild was fun for a while but the predators within the wild were just a little too much to handle. And a rare few of us, yet I wish it was all, will leave the cage, release our claws, run with our hair in the wind, our backs to the cage to never return, and to face the scary, overwhelming jungle where we were born to be. All of us were born to be cheetahs; let's be goddamn cheetahs.