I've been thinking all week about how to write about what I want to write about and acknowledge. I haven't come up with a good way yet and it's getting toward the end of my week to post. I considered skipping my week and avoiding it (thank you, ineffective coping mechanism that has gotten me this far in life!). As I've learned in yoga and through some hard life lessons, it's about showing up, making progress, and grace...not perfection...so here it goes.
I want to talk about the horrible murder of George Floyd, Jr. on May 25, 2020. I want to confront the abhorrent racism present in this country - both the covert, institutionalized, socialized racism and the overt, violent (both in words and deeds) racism - which have existed since this country's inception and have been nurtured and allowed to thrive within the past four years under the "leadership" (haha!) of President Trump. I also feel that by talking about how I feel and what I think takes away from the people right now who are fighting to be heard and seen and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be another white person writing about this - and yet here I am - because I am sad and my heart hurts for people and I don't know what else to do. I'm going to make a mess and I hope that it's okay if I stumble and fall, as long as I'm trying to do and be better.
Wednesday in yoga, our instructor asked us to get out of our comfort zones in class...to challenge ourselves. He made the point that growth does not occur in a place of routine comfort (in our recliners with a drink in our hand) - growth is a result of discomfort. When he asked us to set an intention, the words "LIGHT and LOVE" popped into my head. I didn't really know why.
Then, towards the middle of class, he also said that part of growth is being willing to shine a light into the dark corners of our lives...and to look at them...and to look at them without judgment. Just look at them and acknowledge them and, maybe, if we believe (as I do) that our main purposes here in this world are to better love ourselves and others and to grow in our beautifully flawed humanness, maybe we make some changes.
It was then that I knew what light and love meant for me in my intention and that it pertains to Black Lives Matter, white privilege, inclusion, and diversity, and all the things I still don't know about that I should include here. I want to be better. I want to learn what those things are.
I want to read the things I need to read, hear the things I need to hear, and support the people and organizations I need to support. As with anything, putting action in place of intention might (will) be messy. I will probably fuck some things up. Say something it's not my place to say, think I understand something when I really have no clue, miss an opportunity for growth or action.
That is where the love comes in...shining the light with love means that when I fuck up, I acknowledge said fuck up, make amends, and do better next time...all without berating myself for not knowing something I am trying to learn. When there is judgment and love is absent, it becomes less likely that I, or anyone else, will continue to shine light on our dark corners...and that is what we need to keep doing to make ourselves and our communities better than they are now.
I have committed to trying to do better and be better for Black Lives Matter, for black people, for all organizations working for the same thing, and for all people who live inside our racist system. It's going to be messy - I'm sure I already fucked up one (or ten) things up with this post. Please be patient with me - shine the light on my dark corners and do it with love and we can grow together. Thank you for allowing me this space and opportunity to have my voice heard, to learn from all of you, to share community with you. Thank you for letting me be messy.
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