Poopy Diapers and Silver Linings

We are on Day 37, THIRTY SEVEN, of being socially isolated. For the first couple of weeks with our daycare closed, it was just me working at home with the kids. Working at home for me was not your typical job – it involved standing up an Army National Guard Battalion for an activation. This was anything but easy. I would physically go in on the weekends and as much as I could while my mother-in-law could help with the kids. But the rest of the time involved me juggling conference calls with screaming kids, responding to emails and monitoring the situation with a kid or two on my lap, and texting furiously while putting the kids down for a nap or while getting them the exact right spoon, cup, and food item for a meal.

On one particular day, I had a conference call at 1pm, which I did while nursing Adeline and putting her down for her nap. Immediately after, I put LJ down and thought I would have a couple of hours in silence to catch up on emails before my next conference call at 3pm. Of course, that was wishful thinking. At around 2pm, I heard a loud bang and I thought that either Adeline had fallen out of her crib or that LJ had knocked over a book case or something in his room (he no longer naps but does quiet time and plays alone in his room). I raced upstairs into LJ’s room first to find that he was okay although he also said, “What was THAT NOISE?” I did not even answer him because I was still worried that Adeline had fallen out of her crib so I started down the hallway. Before I reached Adeline, I heard LJ yell, “Oh, Mama, it was a big truck!” I looked out the window and noticed a dump truck in the neighbors’ driveway that had dropped off dirt. The noise had been the tail gate slamming.

I was thankful that neither kid was hurt but also annoyed that I did not get time to work undisturbed that afternoon. After all the rushing around, I returned to all five of my senses and noticed it was actually quite putrid smelling. Although LJ has been potty trained since he was two, he had crapped in his pants. When I asked him why, he said it was because I didn’t come when he called me. Since he is now almost 4, I haven’t changed a poopy pants on him in forever and knew that I would just have to throw him into the tub. However, first, I had to attend to Adeline who was now in hysterics. Upon entering into her room, it was also rancid. She had also crapped while napping, though it was less disturbing because she is not yet potty trained. Knowing I had the other conference call at 3pm, I had to rush both of their smeared, poopy pants off and throw them into the tub. I finished cleaning them up on time and took my conference call with water from the tub still splashed all over me and two kids (at least they were clean) trying to type on my keyboard and take my ID card out of my computer. I simultaneously chuckled and cried inside thinking of how the other individuals that were also on both of the conference calls that day probably checked emails or developed PowerPoints in between. I was 99.9% sure that I was the only person that had to change two poopy diapers and throw two kids into the tub in a scramble in between those calls.

All this to say, this pandemic has not been easy for anyone. And yes, I fully realize that I am still very blessed and privileged and that people have it much more difficult than us right now.  Further, in my limited time, I am also reflecting and realizing that there are a lot of silver linings for us each and every day during this chaos. I have been keeping a mental note of all the small little things for which I am thankful that I have noticed my kids doing or that we have been able to do with them during this time. A couple of them are:

*Baking cookies and making way more crafts than I would have with the kids

*Seeing who can hear the owl first on our almost daily walks

*Walking by the neighbors’ daffodils and noticing how many are coming up. Talking about the difference between the daffodils and dandelions (which LJ sometimes calls buffalos and makes me laugh)

*Using the running stroller with the kids more regularly and while on a recent run when I was going up a hill, having LJ tell me, “Mama, you just have to keep trying.” This was in response to me telling him I was tired from the big hill. He then said, “Like when I am on my bike and I have to keep trying.”

*Witnessing LJ telling Adeline during a tantrum, “I know, it’s frustrating.” This one especially makes me proud because I am trying to raise them to acknowledge and express feelings.

*Talking at dinner each night asking everyone how their day was, what their favorite part was, and if there were any bad/sad parts. Last night LJ’s “bad” part of the day was that there was no snow. I think we are doing alright.

This is by no means to make us seem like a perfect family. I have had at least two breakdowns resulting in me crying in front of the kids, we have both yelled at them way more than we have before, Larry and I have argued more with each other, our house is a disaster, the laundry is piled up, and a couple of nights we have had sugary cereal for dinner. Larry and I are both anxious and although we both agree that we just want the kids to feel safe, I have worried if we are doing the “right” things with them during this time. I’ve questioned if we have let LJ watch too many movies and if I should be doing more “educational” things with him. However, today someone shared what follows after this paragraph below on social media and I felt relieved, hopeful, and happy. I hope reading my personal anecdote shared above may be something our readers can connect with and I hope reading what follows below may be a potential reframe for others. Keep believing that everyone is trying their best during this time and when you don’t know what to do, just do the next right thing whether that is changing a poopy diaper, throwing a kid in a tub, or making your next conference call. Love to all.


A Superintendent in Illinois shared the following:


“BUT WHAT IF…


What if instead of falling “behind”, this group of kids are ADVANCED because of this? Hear me out.

What if they have more empathy, they enjoy family connection, they can be more creative and entertain themselves, they love to read, they love to express themselves in writing?

What if they enjoy the simple things, like their own backyard and sitting near a window in the quiet?

What if they notice the birds and the dates the different flowers emerge, and the calming renewal of a gentle rain shower?

What if this generation are the ones to learn to cook, organize their space, do their laundry, and keep a well run home?

What if they learn to stretch a dollar and to live with less?

What if they learn to plan shopping trips and meals at home?

What if they learn the value of eating together as a family and finding the good to share in the delights of the everyday?

What if they learn to place great value on our teachers and educational professionals, librarians, public servants and the previously invisible essential support workers like truck drivers, grocers, cashiers, custodians, logistics, and health care workers and their supporting staff, just to name a few of the millions taking care of us right now while we are sheltered in place?

What if among these children, a great leader emerges who had the benefit of a slower pace and a simpler life to truly learn what matters in this life?

What if they are AHEAD?”

Good Grief! (And this Pandemic)

Hi Everyone. Dissident Daughter Anne here. I've worked in the grief field for over 6 years now; I'm a full-time bereavement counselor for UnityPoint Hospcie in Des Moines. 

Grief has been the entirety of my professional life; and now, I am inundated by grief as the entire world grieves the death, changes, and anxiety from COVID-19. I have to say that it is....familiar, intense, fascinating, and sorrowful to witness the world experience on a global level the phenomenon to which I have dedicated my life. I've noticed the usual signs in myself and others- the forgetfulness, apathy, appetite changes, temperament changes, etc. Our world is grieving, and slowly, we are naming and recognizing that it is grief that we experience.

I could discuss this collective grief experience from many different angles, but otday, I want to explore some of the cognitive structures we use to cope with it. I understand that we do whatever mental gymnastic we need to do in order to cope at the time; however, there are more fulfilling ways of acknowledging our realities and discovering ways to live with them. Sometimes the coping methods we utilize with ourselves AND with supporting others are shaming, dismissive, and ultimately, not sustainable. 

First, let's talk about some of the strategies that aren't particularly helpful:

1) Minimizing Pain
This happens when we downplay experiences of suffering. Some examples with the pandemic might be, “Well, Anne, just be grateful that you still have a job.” Or, “It could be worse. You could be living in New York City right now.”

Yes, technically, it can certainly always be worse. For every situation that someone describes as painful, we can always, always imagine one in which greater suffering is inflicted.  But here’s the thing. Pain is pain, and that feeling of hurt is REAL. And everyone has different experiences that cause them pain, and this is due to a variety of factors (context, life experience, triggers, temperament, etc). If someone is honestly struggling with some of the losses of the pandemic, it’s real loss, even if we are seemingly witnessing other people experiencing significant loss on a grander scale at the same time. It’s just not fair or helpful to compare pain, because it hurts, nonetheless. (For example, comparing the pain of missing prom to having a loved one die from COVID-19). Additionally, for many people, this is one of the first times in their lives that they are experiencing the phenomenon where the universe takes something precious from you and doesn’t give it back. This is incredibly jarring the first time we experience this as humans, and it’s what I refer to as our “losing our innocence moment.”

The other important wisdom to remember is that our pain always goes deeper than the initial item, per se. For example, if someone is bemoaning the fact that they no longer are able to go into the office for work, underneath that seemingly benign hindrance is a loss of security in routine. We have lost a sense of predictability in how the world is run, and that, my friends, is undeniably a significant loss. What may seem minor is usually quite monumental when you look at the underlying feelings it evokes.

2) Reframing and Pushing the Positive

This happens when we try to force ourselves or others to see the positive in a situation. Here are some phrases that I have heard recently, “Count your blessings. You are fortunate to be able to stay at home.” Or, I have also seen this, “This too shall pass.” Plus, let’s not forget this one, “Don’t worry. It’s in God’s hands.”

Okay, hear me clearly. Gratitude and reframing are both great and wonderful philosophies, and I’ll get to that more in a minute. However, we cannot be so eager to arrive at gratitude that we forget to name the very real losses and pain we have experienced.  When we try to push ourselves to gratitude, we are trying to skip over the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that we are having. And this is a massive disservice to our selves because it denies us the opportunity to reflect on what hurt us and what scares us. And not only are we losing an opportunity for self-insight, but more importantly, we then lack the information to properly reconstruct our sense of selves and worldviews after loss because we are not even sure what it was that was broken in the first place. If I don’t spend time reflecting on the fact that my future dreams were the items that were destroyed by the pandemic, I’m not going to be intentional about recreating those when I’m in the mental space to do so. When we push others and ourselves to reframe/think positive before we are ready, it’s incredibly damaging because it misses this opportunity for reflection and more sustainable growth.

Moreover, the implicit assumption behind this push for positivity seems to be that gratitude can cancel out pain. If we have sophisticated enough reframing mechanisms, and if we think just enough positive thoughts, then we don’t have to sit with the dark realization that shitty things really do happen in the world. Sometimes, really devastating and terrible things happen in the world, and no, there isn’t some sort of preordained divine reason for them to happen. That’s not to say that humans and the divine cannot create beauty FROM the chaos, but it’s incredibly unsettling for us to have to realize that sometimes, really bad and dark stuff simply.just.happens because that’s how the world works. Don’t force yourself or others to jump to positivity or reframing simply because you are uncomfortable with pain and darkness.

Let me emphasize it again: Gratitude does not cancel out pain.

So, where does that leave us?

   1) Validate and Name

Well, first, for the love of God- validate your feelings and name your losses. When I teach my “Journey through Grief” class, I literally have the participants write down every single thing they have lost in addition to their loved one. When the participants first begin this exercise, they are a little dubious. It’s like I can see a thought bubble above their heads that says, “Well, duh, Anne. My loved one is dead, so that’s what I ‘lost.’” But then as I encourage them to think deeper, they start to realize that it isn’t merely that they lost the physical body of their loved one; they lost so much more than that. They lost future dreams…they lost companionship…they lost security…they lost faith…etc. You can keep going, and going, with the layers of loss.

So, for both yourself and others, think about what YOU have all lost in the pandemic. Loss of routine, loss of socialization, loss of faith in government, loss of physical activity, loss of sanity, etc. List these losses, name them, and freakin’ HONOR THEM by spending time with them. Because they are real, and they are difficult, even if “it can be worse,” and even if “there are silver linings in the midst of them.” Name your losses, validate your feelings, and be honest with their existence.

And when you hear someone else complain or state one of their losses, don’t immediately try to make it better for them. Simply say, “Yes, Phyllis. It really sucks that you can’t go to the office anymore. I know that you loved your lunch dates with your coworker Jackie.”

       2) Gratitude and Silver Linings
Remember how I went on that diatribe a couple of paragraphs ago about gratitude not cancelling out sadness? Well, I meant it, AND I also want to say that gratitude is important. What I want us to do with gratitude is to realize that it can coexist ALONGSIDE of loss. It doesn’t cancel out loss, and we cannot turn to it as a weapon to eliminate our sorrow. We can, however, uphold gratitude and let it live in all of its profundity alongside our grief.

       An exercise that I traditionally have clients do around Thanksgiving is that I have them draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. And just like some other exercises, they wonder what it is that I have them doing and how it can be helpful. Nevertheless, I instruct them to write on the left hand side all of the losses that they have experienced with their loved one, and then on the right hand side, I have them list everything that fills them with gratitude.

       The idea behind the exercise is simple, and yet, it is one that most of us struggle with simultaneously upholding. And that idea is yet again that we can feel sadness/anger at the exact same time that we feel gratitude and appreciation. So, if you would humor me, I encourage you to do the same. Think about what you have all lost during the pandemic, and then, also think about everything that you appreciate.

       So, for me, one of the biggest losses that I’m acknowledging is that I can’t go to TGR, my gym. As you see in my “About Me,” TGR is my second home, and I’m desperately missing the people and activities there. And at the same time, an item on my gratitude list is that I’m finally able to run outside again. I wasn’t able to do this in the last year due to some inflammation issues, but just before the pandemic, a physical therapist was able to get me back on track. And if there was ever a time that I needed to be able to run, right now is definitely it.

       I feel significant loss at not being able to see my friends and pursue my hobbies, and at the exact same time, I also feel gratitude that I’m able to run outside again. Both of these items are true, and there does not have to be a relationship between the two. I don’t have to say, “I shouldn’t feel sad about TGR because I can run again.” I also don’t have to say, “The only way I could run again was to lose TGR.” As humans, we seem to be driven to find causal relationships, and often we do so because we want so badly to see the bad thing wiped away. We want to say that the bad thing was necessary for the good thing, or we want to say that we can’t feel sad about the bad thing because we have the good thing. But before I start to delve into matters of theodicy (future post!), let’s just say that a bad thing can exist on its own merit, and a good thing can coexist alongside it. Good certainly can come from bad, but the bad wasn’t necessarily needed for the good to happen. It’s simply that light is always, always able to find a way to shine through darkness.

       When you hear of someone else lamenting their situation from the pandemic, don’t rush them to gratitude. Don’t try to encourage them to think of everything they are grateful for as a means of attempting to cancel out their sadness. If they name something positive, you can help them name that as a blessing and share in their joy of having it with them, but don’t push them to go there when that’s not the space they are in.

       Anyhow, I know that this has turned into a lengthy blog post, and it’s because I’m so incredibly passionate about this topic. I have so many other posts that I want to write about with the pandemic (theodicy being one of them), and one of MY pieces of gratitude from all of this is that it is spurring a rejuvenation in intellectual and creative thought. (It sure isn’t inspiring an increase in personal hygiene.)

      Thanks, everyone, and until next time-

      Anne

Dear Self

Dear Self,

Tomorrow you will turn 27. Approximately six months ago you were lying awake in bed wondering what this day meant. It is not so much the actual number that makes you anxious, but rather the passing of time I suppose. The passing of time is a little bit unnerving because if time is passing for you, it also means that it is passing for others. You reflect on whether or not you've spent that time spending it with the people you love and doing the things that make you feel most alive. You then wonder, "Do I even truly know what makes me come alive?"

This was 26- Birthday on the Vegas strip, in the clubs and at a pool party!

People say that your birthdays become less significant after the ages of "21" and "25," but I have found that to be uncredible. I feel each year you have slowly learnt a little bit more about yourself, about other people. You've spent a lot of time questioning what it means to be "normal." What a "normal" woman? What's a "normal" twenty something year old doing and striving for? What's a "normal" relationship. What's "normal" for someone like me? You've felt self conscious about where you fit in within the standard. Truth is, you've been asking yourself all the wrong questions, Kristen. This year, spend your time wondering, "What makes Kristen Alesch feel alive" and go fucking do it.

You feel most alive when you feel small. When you are surrounded by beauty and greatness in every shape, feeling and essence of the words. You feel alive when you are in nature. Go climb more mountains. You feel alive when you are surrounded by those you love. Go, and be more often. You feel alive when you are challenged. Embrace those experiences and people that make you feel so. You feel alive when you are in front of an audience. Perform in front of a group of two, or 20.

You've been working on your ability to be vulnerable, when it counts. I hope you continue to try and look vulnerability in the eye and feel every bittersweet emotion that comes with it. I encourage you to continue to build connection and figure out what to be truly connected means. I want you to experience great joy and great sadness, and I hope you feel the two sentiments with every fiber of your being. I hope you find the voice and ambition of the little girl that once said she wanted to be an actress in Maine. I hope you reconnect with her, see what she's been up to and then go with her. I hope amazing people continue to enter your life and teach you many things. Some will leave while others will stay, and that's okay. Allow yourself to teach them something and learn something from them in return, and be better from it.

Be okay with the uncertainty of life and quit trying to find answers that may not yet be ready to be found. They'll come to you when both they and you are ready. Continue to love your freakin' heart out. You can never have too much of it. Continue to know you are worthy. Worthy of love, opportunity and life. Never question the gifts you have to offer; you have oh so many, Kristen. You are truly an amazing woman. Each day you love and know yourself a little more. Continue to sit with the silence and your thoughts and question what this life means. You won't ever fully figure it out, but maybe you'll learn a little more about yourself and human life in the process.

Dream, and continue dreaming, even when your dreams seem a little too distant. Remember where you come from and keep your eyes on where you're going. Admit when you fail without immediate justification and admit when you make a mistake, damnit. It's okay to apologize and feel the awkwardness. Ask questions but don't forget to reveal a little bit about yourself too. You have a lot to contribute to a conversation and person. Play, laugh and be silly. Never lose that part of yourself. Tell those you love that you love them without always knowing whether or not the feeling is reciprocated, and quit hiding behind the characteristics that simultaneously make you you, yet also prohibit others from truly seeing you.

This is almost 27- Walking home from my morning walk.
I stopped at my favorite coffee shop on the way back.
These morning walks bring me peace during this pandemic.
If you look closely, you can see that I have a few fine lines underneath my eye balls.
Can't believe I'm saying this, but I think they're beautiful; I'm beautiful.

May this year be a year of love, opportunity and life. Reflect often and allow yourself to feel. Travel, save and travel some more. Feel small, but never make yourself be small. Embrace womanhood and feel beautiful doing so. Wear a dress or wear athletic apparel; both are beautiful and womanly. Learn and get to know yourself a little bit better than the year before, and keep defining what makes Kristen Alesch come alive. Don't chase it, go do it. Lastly, trust the universe, trust your soul and be genuine.

Xoxo,
Kristen

We're Back! (AKA: Perks of the Pandemic)

Hello, blogging world! It's been awhile. We haven't been active on the blog for over a year for a variety of reasons. We went through a season of life where we posted regularly, and then, well, we went through a season of life where other engagements were higher on the priority list.

However, isolation and social distancing (or, as I prefer to call it, physical distancing) have changed our priorities once again. We miss collaborating with each other on this project. We miss connecting with others through writing. We miss having a medium for self-expression and creativity. 

And so, we are going to start our blog going again, and we are going to try and post once a week. I won't speak on behalf of the other sisters, but I hate that the blog wasn't a priority in the last year. I think that many of us are reevaluating how we spend our time and resources as a result of the imposed isolation from the pandemic, and I know that I need to spend more time with creativity and self-expression. I want the blog to be a priority even when we aren't hibernating in our houses to help save the world. Ah, yes. The pandemic- I have so many posts that I want to write regarding grief, theodicy, etc., but I will save those for the future! 

In the meantime, we want our first post to include our revised "About Me's." We realized that the last time we updated our profiles was when the blog was first started 6 years ago!!! 

So, without further ado, here are the authors and sisters of Dissident Daughters:


AMY SUE

I'm an Amy Sue of all trades, master of non. I'm a lover,not a hater, though sometimes I'm a rager. I think a lot about things- sometimes too much. Sometimes I feel like I can't love enough and sometimes I feel like I love too much. In my experience, most things are double-edged swords, happiness truly does lie in moderation, in wine there is truth, and life is about the joureny, not the destination. I am a work in progress and I hope I always am. I believe there is beauty and connection in vulnerability and imperfection. I believe in erring on the side of love. I see connection everywhere. I'm truly a sensitive person. I'm intuitive. 

I love words and music--separately and together. I love being outside-these three things are part of my spirit. I think women can be the epitome of true beauty. I'm not so sure about men. Wine, chocolate, and coffee are my three favorite things to ingest. I'm a late bloomer. I love myself more in my 40s-I wouldn't go back if I could. I have very beautiful, meaningful tattoos. I hope to have more. I have to relearn lessons I thought I had already mastered. I’ve learned, am learning, and will learn again that being human means hurting, apologizing, forgiving, patience, loving, and laughing. I know I don’t need or want to convince anyone of my worth. It’s there, if they can see it.


JILL

I don't know that I have much to say about myself. I'm the second oldest, and I have lived up to my birth order traits in that I have always been a bit insatiable, which in turn, causes me to sometimes do things that make absolutely no sense. I feel like I was a problem child compared to the rest of my siblings, and perhaps, to some degree, I still am. I'm searching but for what I do not honestly know. I'm in my early 40's (seriously, how the hell did that happen), and, to date, this decade of my life has been filled with contradictions. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have felt great love, yet deep sorrow; disabling despair yet intense joy; crippling anxiety yet calm peacefulness; severe depression yet immense hopefulness- sometimes all within the same day. I'm guess I'm experiencing what we would refer to in sports terminology as a "rebuilding year." Perhaps that explains some of my tumultuous behavior. 

I find myself holding different roles at different times, none of which I think I do particularly well. The most precious role to me is "Mom" to my son, Trevor, and my daughter, Brooklyn. I never thought this is what my life would look like but it's the only one I've got so I'm going with it and striving to be the best version of myself even if this is not what I had pictured. My life has been heavily influenced by my military experiences spanning 21 years. I retired in 2019, and as a result, gave up a large part of my identity. I guess I figured it would be easier to figure out life without the military while in my 40's as opposed to waiting another 10-15 years. In retrospect, if I am honest, I am not so sure I made the best decision. 

For the first time in my life, I feel like I can admit that I have truly no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing and sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing something I am doing. What used to seem so clear and obvious to me now appears hazy and uncertain. Here's what I do know: If I die tomorrow, I can honestly say, "Wow, that was one helluva fucking ride." 

MOLLY

I suppose I can start with my "official" descriptors: 

Daughter: Middle of the five of us. Yeup, I've pretty much got all of the stereotypical middle child traits: not as smart as the first two, not as cute or funny as the last two. Ha! 

Sister: I suppose I might be considered the logical, reasonable sister. 


Wife: Married to Larry in 2015 in one of our favorite places: St. John, USVI. I don't believe in "Soulmates" or "marrying your best friend" because it puts unrealistic expectations and standards on another person; I do believe marriage is choosing to fall in love with the same person over and over again. 

Mother: Blessed with the toughest, most humbling, and rewarding job on earth bringing up LJ (almost 4) and Adeline (18 months). 

Major: I've been in the army for almost 17 years as a logistics officer. I joined for the travel and education; I've stayed in for the people. 

Woman: i believe in the collective power and leadership of women. I've just recently started trying to discover the woman I was/am meant to be before I was tamed by the world (thanks Glennon Doyle!!) 

Now for the less structured description of myself... I usually cry once a day not because I am sad but "because the world is so beautiful and life is so short." I get anxiety thinking about all of the beautiful places in the world I have not yet seen or shown my children. Some of my favorite things are the moon, the outdoors, flowers, movement, food, coffee, dark chocolate, culture, and podcasts. In the end, I believe we are all pretty much the same: we are looking to connect to others, to love and be loved. 


ANNE

I was in somewhat of a tumultuous place in my life when we first started this blog. Those chaotic days have settled, and I have since discovered a strong degree of self-possession. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm not continually growing, processing, and questioning, but I do think that I have a much stronger awareness of who I am continually called to be. 

I've been a bereavement counselor for UnityPoint Hospice for 6 years now. In our migrant culture, I know that it's a bit of an anomaly to be at the same position for 6 years. My career in grief support, however, is one of the most consistent aspects of my life. I cannot tell you how fulfilling it is to see people explore new possibilities and hope after stumbling around the brink of darkness. Moreover, my job has so much variety in terms of tasks, location, and schedule, that I am never bored. I can always create new methods and programs for supporting humanity in our multitude of losses. 

I still love to play almost more than anything else in the world. I do take life seriously- and actually, because I take life seriously- I'm continually looking for ways to imagine, create, banter, pretend, and satirize. I do this in every aspect of my life, including my career. I refuse to change who I am and what I value simply because I'm in a different context. Of course, some of my vocabulary and antics are slightly different, but the personality trait remains remarkably consistent. 

I'm incredibly active in aerial arts; I belong to a gym called "TGR Fitness" in Ankeny. I refer to it as my "church" and my "home away from home." I love that I can always challenge myself to grow and learn new skills; this is particularly salient in aerial arts because they are so darn difficult. Seriously, I'm still working on my aerial invert. I also love that my gum encourages play alongside this difficult art. We are always dressing up in costumes for shows and finding ways to express ourselves, and whenever I go there, it always feels like coming home. 

I've built a strong community in Des Moines, and I love that I am surrounded by so many amazing people. It definitely suits me to live alone and have time to charge my very introverted self, and yet, I am continually given the opportunity to connect with so many amazing people. I'm thankful for family, friends, coworkers, students, clients, etc. that give my life meaning and vibrancy. 

I try to live life with abundance. Sometimes, that means abundant joy, and sometimes, that means abundant sorrow. Sometimes it means abundant adventures, and other times, it means abundant anxiety. Regardless, the abundance signifies that I'm embracing this life that I was given, and I continue to co-create alongside others and God. 


KRISTEN

Hi, I'm Kristen. I am a child at heart. Too fitting given I am the youngest of five sister. I am one who sings, plays, laughs, and even speaks in different voices in front of the mirror from time to time. 

"A diamond in the rough" is how someone once described me and that is my truth. I am a brave and strong woman, yet also very afraid. I fear the passing of time and loss. That angst comes from only knowing what those two sentiments superficially feel like. 

I am a lover. I love fearlessly when I feel safe and secure. I love my family; there is nothing I wouldn't try and do for them. I tend to mask my insecurity with humor and deflection, although I am working on getting past that. I am now able to say "thank you" genuinely when people compliment me, and I do not feel as though I have to avoid or always reciprocate the notion. 

I am still trying to figure out life, one day at a time, and I am not sure I'll ever fully know "what I want to do with my life." Right now, I work at a Middle School in East San Jose, but that will not be my permanence. I don't believe in permanence because nothing in life is. We are changing beings that like to think some things in life will follow that same course, but that is a false sentiment. 

I am a risk taker. I enjoy making a move without quit knowing what the outcome will be. My dream is to be a foster parent one day. I want to be a mother of a child. I am passionate about our youth. I enjoy mentoring and teaching them with a balance of love and accountability. 

I have four nieces and nephews, and I care for them as I care for my students. One of my nephews is more like my brother, and I appreciate the dynamic of that relationship because I truly always wanted a younger brother. 

I understand that this "about me" kind of turned into an extremely rough draft of all my thoughts and that's me. "I am a work of art, but under construction yet for sure." Peace, love, and positive energy. Always.

Someone I Used to Know

Sitting in the conference room and scrolling through Instagram for the third time in the past twenty minutes, I finally hit the screen that told me I had scrolled through every recent post for the past two days. The conversations around me consist of dialogues about broken fingernails and potty training children. I hear them, but I am not engaged. My heart is racing with anxiety as I think about life to come after 1200 hours. Then, all of a sudden, it’s time. “Final formation, drill hall, now!” I walk out of the conference room, put my patrol cap on, and partake in the final formation of our two week Annual Training. I sigh with relief and a feeling of freedom overwhelms me.

But why does that feeling of freedom feel like anything but freedom when you leave the armory and enter your home? The questions I ask myself and thoughts racing through my mind as I go back and forth between my living room and bedroom: Do I pay this bill? Do I check my 400 work emails? Do I clean my cat’s litter? Oh wait, let me fold these blankets. Well, how long has it been since these have even been washed? That closet is disorganized and that food is moldy. Do I remember what it’s like to be alone?

For any military personnel reading this, you have probably experienced similar feelings, thoughts and questions after returning home from military duty. Transitioning from military time to civilian time is freaking difficult whether it be from a deployment, school, training or monthly drill. I have not yet deployed in my 7 years of military service, but I imagine that the longer you are away from something or someone the more intensified the transition becomes. This transition is not one that I can explain as well as it can be felt, but I will try and make it better understood.

Transitioning to military duty from civilian life is always the easy part, and to some extent, almost a little relieving. You’re leaving the chaos of your everyday life for a while in exchange for a life of simplicity and structure. The lingering bills, mountain of dirty laundry, responsibility of taking care of pets/kids and disorganization of your home all get to be put on hold for a while. The bills, mountain of laundry and additional responsibilities are replaced with set wake up times, prepared breakfast/ lunch, and only washing the same few garments once a week. The people at your day job are replaced with your squad leaders and platoon sergeants and your friendships and spouses are replaced with your battle buddies. For a short, or maybe long amount of time, you become completely enmeshed with a culture and lifestyle that only 1% of the population has experienced and understands.

My civilian troops

While you’re away, your main daily obligations consist of the following: adhering to orders, maintaining your physical fitness and completing the mission. You have three main focuses and any other additional focuses thrown at you in the form of details are told to you. You don’t have to think; you simply do as your told while continuing to follow your daily obligations. It’s easy (yes I understand it’s not easy to be away from family and that some jobs are extremely mentally and physically demanding) to take direction and not be the one creating it. The people you spend most of your time with are not only your coworkers, they are also your bosses, teammates, friends and sometimes romantic partners. You all have this one, rare commonality (military) holding you together, so even though your conversation topics are limited, the bond you share is strong. You don’t have to worry about finding time to spend time with each other because you do it daily. You don’t have to worry about finding something fun to do with each other because activities outside of duty are limited. You don’t have to worry about looking cute because you wear the same outfit every single day. You don’t have to worry about sounding intellectual because the lingo used across the military is standardized and what else are you going to talk about aside from the work you do daily. Once again, it’s easy.

My military troops

I am writing this blog post as I procrastinate checking my work email, buying weekly groceries, folding my mountain of laundry and facing the reality that I have to go back to my civilian job tomorrow where no one day is ever the same. I am writing this blog post as I consider which friends to notify I am back in town, while thinking of topics of conversation to discuss, as they will not understand what I did the past few weeks. I am writing this blog post in solitude, while sitting on my living room couch, as I am slowly adjusting to not shooting the shit with Specialist Layne and Specialist Tran. I am writing this as I continue to receive text messages of pictures, inside jokes and updates from our squad group chat, as those people are probably experiencing a similar strangeness like I am. I am writing this as I prepare to enter the real world tomorrow for a couple of weeks to then go through this same transition for June drill on the weekend of the 15^th.

The effects of the post duty transition become more anticipated, but they never become any easier, and you often wonder if you should just choose to eliminate the transition completely by choosing one life or the other. I’m sure it would be easier, but then you wonder if you would miss one or the other. So, for now, I continue to deal with the difficulties of the transition, quickly acclimate myself to my foreign daily routine and build up the resilience that I will inevitably need one day for a different (life or militaristic) transition.

Title inspired by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdqEaU0uSPI