We're Back! (AKA: Perks of the Pandemic)

Hello, blogging world! It's been awhile. We haven't been active on the blog for over a year for a variety of reasons. We went through a season of life where we posted regularly, and then, well, we went through a season of life where other engagements were higher on the priority list.

However, isolation and social distancing (or, as I prefer to call it, physical distancing) have changed our priorities once again. We miss collaborating with each other on this project. We miss connecting with others through writing. We miss having a medium for self-expression and creativity. 

And so, we are going to start our blog going again, and we are going to try and post once a week. I won't speak on behalf of the other sisters, but I hate that the blog wasn't a priority in the last year. I think that many of us are reevaluating how we spend our time and resources as a result of the imposed isolation from the pandemic, and I know that I need to spend more time with creativity and self-expression. I want the blog to be a priority even when we aren't hibernating in our houses to help save the world. Ah, yes. The pandemic- I have so many posts that I want to write regarding grief, theodicy, etc., but I will save those for the future! 

In the meantime, we want our first post to include our revised "About Me's." We realized that the last time we updated our profiles was when the blog was first started 6 years ago!!! 

So, without further ado, here are the authors and sisters of Dissident Daughters:


AMY SUE

I'm an Amy Sue of all trades, master of non. I'm a lover,not a hater, though sometimes I'm a rager. I think a lot about things- sometimes too much. Sometimes I feel like I can't love enough and sometimes I feel like I love too much. In my experience, most things are double-edged swords, happiness truly does lie in moderation, in wine there is truth, and life is about the joureny, not the destination. I am a work in progress and I hope I always am. I believe there is beauty and connection in vulnerability and imperfection. I believe in erring on the side of love. I see connection everywhere. I'm truly a sensitive person. I'm intuitive. 

I love words and music--separately and together. I love being outside-these three things are part of my spirit. I think women can be the epitome of true beauty. I'm not so sure about men. Wine, chocolate, and coffee are my three favorite things to ingest. I'm a late bloomer. I love myself more in my 40s-I wouldn't go back if I could. I have very beautiful, meaningful tattoos. I hope to have more. I have to relearn lessons I thought I had already mastered. I’ve learned, am learning, and will learn again that being human means hurting, apologizing, forgiving, patience, loving, and laughing. I know I don’t need or want to convince anyone of my worth. It’s there, if they can see it.


JILL

I don't know that I have much to say about myself. I'm the second oldest, and I have lived up to my birth order traits in that I have always been a bit insatiable, which in turn, causes me to sometimes do things that make absolutely no sense. I feel like I was a problem child compared to the rest of my siblings, and perhaps, to some degree, I still am. I'm searching but for what I do not honestly know. I'm in my early 40's (seriously, how the hell did that happen), and, to date, this decade of my life has been filled with contradictions. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have felt great love, yet deep sorrow; disabling despair yet intense joy; crippling anxiety yet calm peacefulness; severe depression yet immense hopefulness- sometimes all within the same day. I'm guess I'm experiencing what we would refer to in sports terminology as a "rebuilding year." Perhaps that explains some of my tumultuous behavior. 

I find myself holding different roles at different times, none of which I think I do particularly well. The most precious role to me is "Mom" to my son, Trevor, and my daughter, Brooklyn. I never thought this is what my life would look like but it's the only one I've got so I'm going with it and striving to be the best version of myself even if this is not what I had pictured. My life has been heavily influenced by my military experiences spanning 21 years. I retired in 2019, and as a result, gave up a large part of my identity. I guess I figured it would be easier to figure out life without the military while in my 40's as opposed to waiting another 10-15 years. In retrospect, if I am honest, I am not so sure I made the best decision. 

For the first time in my life, I feel like I can admit that I have truly no idea where I'm going or what I'm doing and sometimes I don't even know why I'm doing something I am doing. What used to seem so clear and obvious to me now appears hazy and uncertain. Here's what I do know: If I die tomorrow, I can honestly say, "Wow, that was one helluva fucking ride." 

MOLLY

I suppose I can start with my "official" descriptors: 

Daughter: Middle of the five of us. Yeup, I've pretty much got all of the stereotypical middle child traits: not as smart as the first two, not as cute or funny as the last two. Ha! 

Sister: I suppose I might be considered the logical, reasonable sister. 


Wife: Married to Larry in 2015 in one of our favorite places: St. John, USVI. I don't believe in "Soulmates" or "marrying your best friend" because it puts unrealistic expectations and standards on another person; I do believe marriage is choosing to fall in love with the same person over and over again. 

Mother: Blessed with the toughest, most humbling, and rewarding job on earth bringing up LJ (almost 4) and Adeline (18 months). 

Major: I've been in the army for almost 17 years as a logistics officer. I joined for the travel and education; I've stayed in for the people. 

Woman: i believe in the collective power and leadership of women. I've just recently started trying to discover the woman I was/am meant to be before I was tamed by the world (thanks Glennon Doyle!!) 

Now for the less structured description of myself... I usually cry once a day not because I am sad but "because the world is so beautiful and life is so short." I get anxiety thinking about all of the beautiful places in the world I have not yet seen or shown my children. Some of my favorite things are the moon, the outdoors, flowers, movement, food, coffee, dark chocolate, culture, and podcasts. In the end, I believe we are all pretty much the same: we are looking to connect to others, to love and be loved. 


ANNE

I was in somewhat of a tumultuous place in my life when we first started this blog. Those chaotic days have settled, and I have since discovered a strong degree of self-possession. Of course, that doesn't mean that I'm not continually growing, processing, and questioning, but I do think that I have a much stronger awareness of who I am continually called to be. 

I've been a bereavement counselor for UnityPoint Hospice for 6 years now. In our migrant culture, I know that it's a bit of an anomaly to be at the same position for 6 years. My career in grief support, however, is one of the most consistent aspects of my life. I cannot tell you how fulfilling it is to see people explore new possibilities and hope after stumbling around the brink of darkness. Moreover, my job has so much variety in terms of tasks, location, and schedule, that I am never bored. I can always create new methods and programs for supporting humanity in our multitude of losses. 

I still love to play almost more than anything else in the world. I do take life seriously- and actually, because I take life seriously- I'm continually looking for ways to imagine, create, banter, pretend, and satirize. I do this in every aspect of my life, including my career. I refuse to change who I am and what I value simply because I'm in a different context. Of course, some of my vocabulary and antics are slightly different, but the personality trait remains remarkably consistent. 

I'm incredibly active in aerial arts; I belong to a gym called "TGR Fitness" in Ankeny. I refer to it as my "church" and my "home away from home." I love that I can always challenge myself to grow and learn new skills; this is particularly salient in aerial arts because they are so darn difficult. Seriously, I'm still working on my aerial invert. I also love that my gum encourages play alongside this difficult art. We are always dressing up in costumes for shows and finding ways to express ourselves, and whenever I go there, it always feels like coming home. 

I've built a strong community in Des Moines, and I love that I am surrounded by so many amazing people. It definitely suits me to live alone and have time to charge my very introverted self, and yet, I am continually given the opportunity to connect with so many amazing people. I'm thankful for family, friends, coworkers, students, clients, etc. that give my life meaning and vibrancy. 

I try to live life with abundance. Sometimes, that means abundant joy, and sometimes, that means abundant sorrow. Sometimes it means abundant adventures, and other times, it means abundant anxiety. Regardless, the abundance signifies that I'm embracing this life that I was given, and I continue to co-create alongside others and God. 


KRISTEN

Hi, I'm Kristen. I am a child at heart. Too fitting given I am the youngest of five sister. I am one who sings, plays, laughs, and even speaks in different voices in front of the mirror from time to time. 

"A diamond in the rough" is how someone once described me and that is my truth. I am a brave and strong woman, yet also very afraid. I fear the passing of time and loss. That angst comes from only knowing what those two sentiments superficially feel like. 

I am a lover. I love fearlessly when I feel safe and secure. I love my family; there is nothing I wouldn't try and do for them. I tend to mask my insecurity with humor and deflection, although I am working on getting past that. I am now able to say "thank you" genuinely when people compliment me, and I do not feel as though I have to avoid or always reciprocate the notion. 

I am still trying to figure out life, one day at a time, and I am not sure I'll ever fully know "what I want to do with my life." Right now, I work at a Middle School in East San Jose, but that will not be my permanence. I don't believe in permanence because nothing in life is. We are changing beings that like to think some things in life will follow that same course, but that is a false sentiment. 

I am a risk taker. I enjoy making a move without quit knowing what the outcome will be. My dream is to be a foster parent one day. I want to be a mother of a child. I am passionate about our youth. I enjoy mentoring and teaching them with a balance of love and accountability. 

I have four nieces and nephews, and I care for them as I care for my students. One of my nephews is more like my brother, and I appreciate the dynamic of that relationship because I truly always wanted a younger brother. 

I understand that this "about me" kind of turned into an extremely rough draft of all my thoughts and that's me. "I am a work of art, but under construction yet for sure." Peace, love, and positive energy. Always.

Someone I Used to Know

Sitting in the conference room and scrolling through Instagram for the third time in the past twenty minutes, I finally hit the screen that told me I had scrolled through every recent post for the past two days. The conversations around me consist of dialogues about broken fingernails and potty training children. I hear them, but I am not engaged. My heart is racing with anxiety as I think about life to come after 1200 hours. Then, all of a sudden, it’s time. “Final formation, drill hall, now!” I walk out of the conference room, put my patrol cap on, and partake in the final formation of our two week Annual Training. I sigh with relief and a feeling of freedom overwhelms me.

But why does that feeling of freedom feel like anything but freedom when you leave the armory and enter your home? The questions I ask myself and thoughts racing through my mind as I go back and forth between my living room and bedroom: Do I pay this bill? Do I check my 400 work emails? Do I clean my cat’s litter? Oh wait, let me fold these blankets. Well, how long has it been since these have even been washed? That closet is disorganized and that food is moldy. Do I remember what it’s like to be alone?

For any military personnel reading this, you have probably experienced similar feelings, thoughts and questions after returning home from military duty. Transitioning from military time to civilian time is freaking difficult whether it be from a deployment, school, training or monthly drill. I have not yet deployed in my 7 years of military service, but I imagine that the longer you are away from something or someone the more intensified the transition becomes. This transition is not one that I can explain as well as it can be felt, but I will try and make it better understood.

Transitioning to military duty from civilian life is always the easy part, and to some extent, almost a little relieving. You’re leaving the chaos of your everyday life for a while in exchange for a life of simplicity and structure. The lingering bills, mountain of dirty laundry, responsibility of taking care of pets/kids and disorganization of your home all get to be put on hold for a while. The bills, mountain of laundry and additional responsibilities are replaced with set wake up times, prepared breakfast/ lunch, and only washing the same few garments once a week. The people at your day job are replaced with your squad leaders and platoon sergeants and your friendships and spouses are replaced with your battle buddies. For a short, or maybe long amount of time, you become completely enmeshed with a culture and lifestyle that only 1% of the population has experienced and understands.

My civilian troops

While you’re away, your main daily obligations consist of the following: adhering to orders, maintaining your physical fitness and completing the mission. You have three main focuses and any other additional focuses thrown at you in the form of details are told to you. You don’t have to think; you simply do as your told while continuing to follow your daily obligations. It’s easy (yes I understand it’s not easy to be away from family and that some jobs are extremely mentally and physically demanding) to take direction and not be the one creating it. The people you spend most of your time with are not only your coworkers, they are also your bosses, teammates, friends and sometimes romantic partners. You all have this one, rare commonality (military) holding you together, so even though your conversation topics are limited, the bond you share is strong. You don’t have to worry about finding time to spend time with each other because you do it daily. You don’t have to worry about finding something fun to do with each other because activities outside of duty are limited. You don’t have to worry about looking cute because you wear the same outfit every single day. You don’t have to worry about sounding intellectual because the lingo used across the military is standardized and what else are you going to talk about aside from the work you do daily. Once again, it’s easy.

My military troops

I am writing this blog post as I procrastinate checking my work email, buying weekly groceries, folding my mountain of laundry and facing the reality that I have to go back to my civilian job tomorrow where no one day is ever the same. I am writing this blog post as I consider which friends to notify I am back in town, while thinking of topics of conversation to discuss, as they will not understand what I did the past few weeks. I am writing this blog post in solitude, while sitting on my living room couch, as I am slowly adjusting to not shooting the shit with Specialist Layne and Specialist Tran. I am writing this as I continue to receive text messages of pictures, inside jokes and updates from our squad group chat, as those people are probably experiencing a similar strangeness like I am. I am writing this as I prepare to enter the real world tomorrow for a couple of weeks to then go through this same transition for June drill on the weekend of the 15^th.

The effects of the post duty transition become more anticipated, but they never become any easier, and you often wonder if you should just choose to eliminate the transition completely by choosing one life or the other. I’m sure it would be easier, but then you wonder if you would miss one or the other. So, for now, I continue to deal with the difficulties of the transition, quickly acclimate myself to my foreign daily routine and build up the resilience that I will inevitably need one day for a different (life or militaristic) transition.

Title inspired by: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IdqEaU0uSPI

Adeline Violet

Hello, World! I'm Adeline Violet, the newest member of the Dissident Daughter family. I was born on 9/22/18 and am named after my maternal great-grandmother (Adeline) and my paternal great-great grandmother (Violet). I chose to burst into this world after being a week "late." I kind of wanted to be born on Route 9 in Boston but didn't want to do that to mom and dad so I chose to just give them a good adrenaline burst and come rip roaring out in less than 24 minutes from the time we got to the hospital. Mom didn't know it at the time (when I decided to come so fast that there was no time for a medicated labor/delivery) but I think she realizes it now - I wanted to show her just how strong she could be and how much trust she should have in her own body...and in me! As I grow, she is going to have many more lessons coming from me, too! I am over a month old now and have lots of stories to tell already but I feel like I should probably bother mom again soon for something...maybe her milk or just a good snuggle. You will hear more from me or more about me in future posts!

Out with the Old and In with the New

Hi Everyone! I don’t think I’ve posted since my most recent transition of moving cross country, so for those of you that don’t know, this past July I moved all the way from Memphis, TN to San Jose, CA. I work as the School Operations Manager for a charter network in East San Jose and live in a house with 8 other working professionals (oh my!). Most of you are probably thinking “wtf” at this point and I would be too, but I am genuinely happy with my transition so far. 

In the midst of my transition, I have paid close attention to other people whom cross my path also transitioning and two incidents in particular stick out to me:

A couple of weeks ago my friend Nicole and I decided we wanted to casually go out. We wanted to sip a beer and converse; we weren’t feeling the club scene. So naturally we googled Dive Bars in San Jose and found one close to home that looked perfect called “Patty’s Inn.” Our perception of Patty’s ended up being 100% accurate. It was a small bar that smelt of PBR and smoke with 5-7 regulars shooting the shit with the bartender. We walked in and felt right at home. While at the bar, I met this man who had lived in the Bay Area for five years and was moving to San Diego the next morning (not sure how that drive worked out considering he was out until almost bae close lol). He was telling me how much he appreciated his time in the Bay and also how he was looking forward to his new job in San Diego which is closer to his mom. He said he became close with all of the regulars at Patty’s and was going to genuinely miss the place. I was very intrigued by this mans sentiments because as he was transitioning out, I was transitioning in. He was saying goodbye to a familiar place while I was just being introduced to it.

The other instance pertains to a coworker of mine. She’s the Senior Operations Associate for the network, so her and I worked closely together this summer during my on boarding. She informed me last week that she had accepted a job closer to her residency, as she commutes an hour and a half to work everyday. She explained that she had been contemplating this transition for a while and felt the network was finally at a place where it could handle her absence in lieu of all the other knowledgeable and hardworking employees brought in. She said that although she was sad to leave the organization she served the past five years, she knew it was time to move on and felt very excited and hopeful for the new opportunity she was pursuing. Once again, I noticed that this human being was saying goodbye to the very same thing I was just saying hello to.

Both of these experiences made me feel both strange (I can’t think of a different word to describe my feelings) and comforted. They made me feel comforted because in both the instances the two people had very positive things to say about the two new ventures I am undergoing. They also made me feel strange because it was odd to think that they were leaving what I was just beginning. As I mentioned in my first paragraph, I really like the city of San Jose and overall vibe of California so far, so it’s weird and difficult for me to imagine leaving where I’m currently at as a result of that.

As I reflected and continue to reflect, the two experiences made me aware of the cycle of life and transitions. In order for something “new” to be born, something “old” has to transition. I’ve experienced the “new” and “old” as I’ve now moved twice and held different professional positions; however the experiences have always been separate from one another. These two instances were particularly beautiful because the “new” and “old” were immeshed. I got to see, feel and hear about one cycle ending while a new one was beginning and that was odd, amazing and beautiful.  Life and transitions are odd, amazing and beautiful. 

The Summer Anne Never Worked

I wrote a blog post previously about the notion that people’s circumstances cannot simply be labeled as either a blessing OR a challenge; rather, the circumstances that make up people’s lives include within them BOTH blessings and challenges. Nothing can simply be labeled as one or the other; it’s much more complex and nuanced than that. You can read that full post HERE.

I’ve reflected deeply on this idea as we come to the close of summer. You see, I am currently a single woman with no children. These circumstances, like any other circumstances, certainly come with BOTH their challenges and blessings. I could expand on the diverse ways that I experience both the blessings and the challenges, but I really want to focus on a particular aspect that was highlighted this summer.  

This summer was one of the occasions where I really felt the “blessings” part of my circumstances. I joked to several people that summer 2018 will be forever known as “the summer that Anne never worked.” Or, “the summer that I’m surprised I still have a job.” I say all of this somewhat in jest- I did actually work extremely hard this summer when I was actually at work because I care deeply about grief support- but I did take a LOT of PTO. I just….I had some pretty amazing opportunities come up this summer, and I have a lot of PTO, so….I took a crapload of time off.

Let me list a summary of the past 2.5 months for you:

1)     7 trips to Adventureland (and still more to come!) with numerous friends and family members

2)     Almost a week trip to Memphis, Tennessee with my dad, sister, brother-in-law, niece, and nephew to visit sister Kristen before she moved to California. We also went to Arkansas and Mississippi while we were down there. 

3)     An extended weekend trip to Yankton, South Dakota to visit one of my best friends (and former graduate school roommate), Holly.

4)     A trip to West Branch, Iowa to check out the Herbert Hoover memorial and also to Iowa City to my sister’s ol’ stomping grounds

5)     4^th of July celebrations with family visiting Des Moines

6)     Boating excursion to Lake Red Rock with some coworker friends

7)     Wedding weekend in Omaha, Nebraska with my best friends from high school, RanDee and Sherrill. As a professional chaplain, I officiated RanDee’s wedding.

8)     An extended weekend getaway in Council Bluffs, Iowa. My college girlfriends and I rented a house on Lake Manawa and had a fabulous time boating, swimming, and drinking plenty of coffee and wine.

9)     A week and a half vacation to celebrate my dad’s 70^th birthday. This vacation was absolutely incredible and took us to South Dakota, Wyoming, Montana, and Idaho. I can’t believe how many amazing sights we saw- check out some of my Facebook pictures.

10)  We aren’t entirely sure yet, but there is a possibility that we are going to go visit my brother-in-law in Atlanta, Georgia over Labor Day weekend. He is living there for a couple of months to train for his position with the National Guard.

PHEW. I’ve been in 8 different states so far this summer. I’ve seen friends from high school, college, graduate school, and my current career. I’ve been with every single member of my family (on multiple occasions). And all of this isn’t even counting the “small” social outings I’ve had this summer with bike rides, patio dinners, movies, aerial shows, swimming pools, etc.

It’s been…an amazing summer, and I feel so incredibly blessed. And I know that there is no way that I could have pulled everything off this summer if my life circumstances were different. If I didn’t make a professional wage...if I had small children in my home…if I didn’t invest the time and energy to maintain all of these relationships that are important to me…if I wasn’t blessed to have a job where I have great PTO…etc. If any one of those was different, I would have been able to perhaps do a couple of items on that list, but certainly not all of them, and not with the intensity I had of being fully present for each of them.

And it’s not simply that I was able to do a great NUMBER of things this summer (let’s not value quantity for the sake of numbers.) It’s that I was able to experience the RICHNESS of so many people and places. I loved being able to visit Holly and connect on a level where Holly said that her 1.5 year old son, Garrett, had “made a new lifetime friend.” I loved being the person that stated the lifetime commitment and vows that my best friend and her husband made to each other as I married them. I loved seeing where my father was stationed in Idaho when he was a part of the hot shot firefighting crew 50 years ago. I loved reflecting with my college friends on where life has taken us since we all lived together in college. I can’t tell you how much these experiences mean to me, and how grateful I am that I was able to deeply embrace and share these portentous moments with others.

I wouldn’t have been able to have this number of experiences this summer, or embrace them as deeply, if any of my life circumstances were different. Now, again, I want to reiterate that I’m not saying that there is any type of life circumstances that are “better” or “more blessed” than any other. If, for example, I was presently married with children, I would be experiencing a different TYPE of blessing. And that blessing would still be incredibly rich, and yet not better or worse, than the ones I had this summer.

But I’m not presently married, and I do not have children. And one of the blessings of this present circumstance was that I was able to be fully present with many people that I cared about, and I was able to deeply share in experiencing the sacredness of our lives and time together.

And for that, I do feel #blessed.

I Got 99 Problems But My Age Ain’t One

Well, folks, here I am coming in hot as usual. It’s Friday night and I just got the kids in bed a good hour past their stated bedtime. The whole day started off a bit off because I have been having trouble getting up on time and today was no different. My eyes opened and went back to sleep after my alarm went off. I eventually got up about 30 minutes later than I had planned. Normally, during the summer, it’s not such a big deal because no one is tardy if we are a bit late. However, today was a big day for the kids because their summer program was scheduled to take them to Adventureland today. Even though Trevor and Brooklyn attend different locations for the summer, it is the same overarching program and all the different grades go to Adventureland on the same day, which incidentally was this 
morning.

I was positive the bus was not leaving the kids’ respective summer sites until 9:30 a.m. but my argumentative ten-year-old protested it was 8:30 a.m. I didn’t take him seriously because, well, he argues about everything right now. Here is an example. Trevor (to my near five-year-old Brooklyn): “Brooks, what is 5+1?” Brooklyn (guessing): “Um, six, is that right, Mom?” Me: “ Oh wow, honey, that is right!” Brooklyn(excited):  “I can do math!” Trevor (killjoy): “ No, you can’t do math.” Brooklyn: “Yea, I can!” Trevor: “Okay then, what is 229 + 365?” Brooklyn: “I don’t feel like telling you.” Trevor (beating a dead horse): “It’s because you don’t know the answer. See, you can’t do math.” Brooklyn (getting angry now): “Yes, I can!” Trevor: “Okay, what is 457+ 193?” And it goes on and on like that for as long as I let it. So you see, I didn’t think anything when Trevor started to argue with me about the time. It’s just what he does right now. Anyway, I got tired of hearing it and so I told him I would look on the schedule. Of course, as I uttered those words I recalled throwing it away the night before because there was NO WAY I would mess up the Adventureland trip. However, I still wanted to prove my correctness to my arguing son, so I sifted through my old emails so I could find the electronic version of the schedule. Meanwhile, time is ticking by but I’m not worried. I have until 9:30 a.m. so I’m cool as a cucumber as the pdf starts to pull up. As my eyes focus on the date, I do a double take. Written in bold face is the departure time and it reads 8:30 a.m. So much for the mom victory today. #parentfailone. Trying to keep as calm as I can be, because these kids can sense fear like it’s their job, I admit to my kids I was wrong and let them know the buses will be leaving at the time Trevor said.  As I’m talking, I try to give a nonchalant glance at the clock, which reads 8:03 a.m. 

DEFCON 2 procedures are required if my kids are going to make the bus in time. Breakfast is thrown together-thank goodness for Eggo Waffles,- pajamas are thrown off and replaced with whatever was on top of the drawer, teeth are brushed for less than the standard two minutes (#parentfailtwo), and I forego wearing any makeup to save time. I hurry the kids out to the car with my hands full of hats, sunscreen, water bottles, and refillable slushy cups for the park.  As we are driving I locate the kids’ season passes in my purse, pull out the treat money I thankfully had the foresight to get earlier in the week and had my victorious 10-year-old put the items in a separate plastic baggie for each child to take along.  I seriously contemplate passing the wood chipper truck that I end up behind and literally did not go faster than 10 mph but then wisely reconsidered. The fact the idea even ran through my head, however, exemplifies my desperation. 

I dropped off Brooklyn first and asked her to walk fast, which apparently had the effect of making her walk even slower because it caused her to pause so she could lament to me that she could not walk fast and I knew it so why did I ask her to do that anyway? #parentfailthree. When we finally get inside, I sign her in for the day but the staff flags me down on my way out because I need to sign for the purple shirt Brooklyn is receiving to wear to Adventureland. I sign my name like I’m a physician, meaning no one would ever be able to prove it was me who signed for the shirt anyway, and ask the staff if they can help my daughter change her shirt because I have five minutes to get my son to his summer program location #parentfailfour. They agree, which is good, since I already have one foot out the door and I sprint back to my car, which I’m sure looked supremely cool, calm and collected. So much for hiding my stress, it’s written all over my face at this point #parentfailfive.  Back in the car, the 10-year-old senses my anxiety and drums up a fresh batch of tears because I took too long. At this point, I half-heartedly try to reassure him, but my cover has been blown so it falls on deaf ears. 

After we hit every red light possible, I’m starting to sweat bullets that we aren’t going to make it. My son’s prophecy that we are going to be late is repeating inside my head, oh wait, never mind, that is actually him saying it over and over in the car. We pull in to my son’s location at 8:33 a.m.  I rip off my seat belt, jump out of the car, make sure Trevor has his stuff, and burst inside. The minute I have eye contact with one of the staff I yell frantically across the hall, “Are we too late?” This was apparently embarrassing to my son, who gave me a look that was a cross between mortification and disgust #parentfailsix.  Fortunately, the staff person responds that we are still okay. I find myself doing a fist pump like I just won a championship cage fight. The staff did not appear to be as impressed with my ability to get my son to his summer program three minutes late and seemed confused by my exuberance #parentfailseven.  I strut back to my car and one of the other parents is walking in after me. Poor chap, he must have had a worse morning than me! 

With disaster narrowly averted, I decide I need Starbucks given the fact my adrenaline is still surging from escalating to DEFCON 2. As I’m ordering, I decide to throw a spinach wrap on my tab, as I didn’t have time to eat breakfast. The person in front of me pays for my items, so I say I will get the next person’s even though I’m not in the mood to pay it forward. I think I was probably the grumpiest person that ever paid it forward in the drive-thru. The barista even asked me if I was sure, so I must have looked and sounded less than enthused. Regardless, I did the honorable thing. The way this day was going, I could just picture being on the news as the woman who broke the longest consecutive chain of paying it forward and that was the last thing I needed at the moment. A few minutes later, with a spinach wrap in one hand and a venti mocha with coconut milk in the other, I march into work wearing no make up. 

Whew. Writing that was exhausting. This is how life has been since John left for Warrant Officer Basic. I can’t any quite seem to get things running smoothly in our home. I’m always a minimum of 15 minutes behind schedule. If I go somewhere, even somewhere important, packing entails frantically throwing things in a suitcase and praying I can buy whatever I forgot. I have a vague understanding of what I need to do just one day in advance and even that I manage to jack up and get schooled by a ten-year-old. But you know what, it may not be pretty, but like this morning, we are making it work somehow. It’s what we do when one of us has to leave. Embrace the suck, as the Army would say. 

So yeah, I’ve got 99 problems and then some, but you know what? My age ain’t one of them. For those of you who went to High School with me, you know this is the year we are all turning 4-Gulp-0. Oh, sure, it was hil-larious when everyone else had their birthday before me, but when May rolled around and it was my turn, it didn’t seem so funny. Karma, baby. I had some coming to me. At any rate, I didn’t want to leave my thirties. My thirties were so good to me. They brought me 2 beautiful children, 7 marathons, 1 nephew, and a Masters Degree. They brought me to Afghanistan, St. John, Memphis, Chicago, Disney World, Boston, Hawaii, the Bahamas, Jamaica and Grand Cayman. Oh, and they gave the Cubs a World Series W! As I was pondering my 30s, and simultaneously looking down the barrel of the next decade, I became more unnerved than I would like to admit.  

So like the pensive cuss I am, I kept thinking over the next day or so. And, I realized that my 30s had some truly rough patches, too. Trying to be a normal person after spending a year in Afghanistan; three or four major bouts of depression that nearly got the best of me; two miscarriages; career struggles; numerous mistakes as a parent, spouse, sister, daughter and friend; money lost buying and selling homes every time we moved; some complications from surgery, and a couple of mistakes so big, so devastating that I can’t even type the words to you all. So it wasn’t all rosy, by any means. But, I noticed that no matter what, I kept moving forward through it all, opening up new doors and trying new things. Searching for passion, meaning and belonging, where ever a few little sparks or ideas led me. And that’s what made my 30s great or at least caused me to remember them that way. The bad stuff, well, it most definitely happened but I didn’t get stuck, at least not permanently. As a result, the trials I endured were contained, buttressed by, well, a passion for living I didn’t realize I ever had. Turning 40 wasn’t going to change that about me, so what was the big deal? In the end, I decided my 30s had prepared me for most of what my 40s would throw at me. There would be unexpected trials and tribulations in the next decade. I still feared the visits by Grief and Loss and I truly did not want my long time companion, Depression, to come stay again. But that being said, I began to feel confidence that my 30s had made me strong enough to withstand my 40s, whatever they would bring. 

So guess what? 40 came and went and I didn’t feel somber, I felt strong and motivated. Unpleasant things will most assuredly happen in this decade and Lord knows it won’t look perfect because I have already made some pretty significant mistakes. But like this morning, I will keep moving forward, even on those days I careen into a parking lot three minutes late, begrudgingly pay it forward in the Starbucks drive-through and show up to work with no make up on.  Hey, this is 40, and so far, I love it!