The Other Side

So, recently I watched The Greatest Showman (Yes, I understand it’s a controversial movie with the delicate history of the circus, but I am not here to discuss that), and I just want to say that the theme and music in it gave me so much LIFE.

One of the main themes within the movie was “Risk;” Risking tangible elements (money, personal belongings, etc.) and risking intangible elements (love, reputation, career, fame, etc.) In the movie, the main character, Barnum, basically puts everything he owns (which isn’t much) on the line to create (what we know as the circus) a show full of laughter, imagination, and excitement- the world’s greatest show. As Barnum’s show grows and gains more attention and publicity, he decides he wants to expand the interest to a wealthier crowd. Barnum decides to target a young, wealthy man named Bailey, who invests much of his time in the fine arts.

As you can imagine, convincing a rich man to run away and join the circus wasn’t an easy feat. Barnum takes Bailey out for a couple of drinks and makes the circus sound more appealing than you or I ever could through song. If you would like to see their performance, called “The Other Side,” please click here. This song is one of the many scenes in the movie that gave me so much LIFE, not because it’s catchy and Zac Efron is sexy as hell performing, but because the message of it is authentic.

And I can cut you free
Out of the drudgery and walls you keep in
So trade that typical for something colorful
And if it's crazy, live a little crazy

But you would finally live a little, finally laugh a little
Just let me give you the freedom to dream 

I think the message of this song goes a little deeper than just encouraging someone to join the circus. Recently, I was told by someone that I was “too childish.” I don’t even remember what I was doing, but in my head it wasn’t even anything outrageous, and if any of you know me, you do know that I can be pretty outrageous sometimes lol. Being called “too childish” didn’t offend me because I am okay with being “childish.” I enjoy being silly, playing games, using my imagination and engaging in activities that an “adult” wouldn’t partake in because that’s what keeps me young. To be honest, the person’s comment actually made me feel sorry for them because I think that it came from a place of personal unhappiness.

All too often I think we paint a picture of what our lives should look like and we label certain activities or phases as being a part of only our youth. I think in doing this we create the “walls we keep in.” We reach a certain age or period of our lives where it’s no longer kosher to speak in silly voices, jump on a giant pillow at the pumpkin patch or run around excitedly because we’re afraid of looking foolish. By repressing those "childish" urges, we in turn limit our own happiness.

My mom has always told me I am a big kid and says I should never lose my ability to be a child because it’s this ability that will keep me laughing, smiling and running when I am 80 years old. Age is only a number and it’s our energy and passion that truly defines how “old” we are. No age, career or period in your life has to look a certain way and if you feel opposing, perhaps you may be one of the many kept inside the walls.

Life is short. Take risks. Jump at the trampoline park, sing really loud, play ninja at the park and watch a cartoon, regardless of what or how you or anyone else thinks your life should look, sound or feel at the time. Come join me on “The Other Side.”

Don't Use Others' Stories to Count Your Blessings

I wrote the following for a hospice publication a couple of months ago. The reference is slightly dated (The Festival of Trees and Lights happened in November), but the message I want to convey in this publication is enduring, so I wanted to include it on the Dissident Daughters blog. We simply CANNOT and SHOULD NOT use other people's "misfortune" to account for our own #blessings. It does not matter what the other life circumstance is that we are referencing; other people should not be the means by which acknowledge our gratitude.

I was at the "Festival of Trees and Lights" this past weekend with my family. As we walked among the trees and admired their decorations, I heard someone say, "Oh my goodness. What a sad story about this little boy. This makes me so grateful that I get to still have my son."

I always cringe when I hear these types of statements. You see, on the one hand, I DO think that it's a beneficial practice to name our blessings and feel gratitude in our lives. However, on the other hand, I don't think that we should use the experience and circumstances of other people to do so. It implies that the other person is "less blessed" than us, and it suggests that our own circumstances have been given more grace than other people's.

Not only are we using other people's "misfortune" as a means of naming our own appreciation, but I also think that it's patently untrue that stories of loss, sadness, or a "lack" of something do not have their own rich blessings embedded within them. I do not know the little boy and his family that the woman was referencing. Nevertheless, it's entirely possible that they have experienced a type of love from their community that the rest of us will never experience, and that is a #blessing that we do not currently have and may NEVER possess. ALL experiences are filled with BOTH challenges and blessings, and we cannot self-determine that anyone's context- ourselves or others- fits neatly only with one category or the other.

Instead, I encourage a deeper type of reflection regarding gratitude. Certainly acknowledge the people, circumstances, and other events that fill you with appreciation. And along with that appreciation, display candidness about the way that these same people, circumstances, and other events provide challenges within that blessing. Moreover, also acknowledge that every human being is given different blessings. We do not have the opportunity to experience every type of fortuitous moment or circumstance in this life, and that is because we have limits as human beings. Your life has its own blessings and challenges all rolled together in a unique combination. Name those blessings and challenges in your life, and also remember that other people have their own rich story of blessings and challenges that are different (but not better or worse) than our own. 

Things That Matter

We spend so much of our time, money, energy, worries, and desires on things that do not matter in life. Lately I have been consciously trying to slow down and spend mine on things that do. For me that means spending slow, quality time with my family. I believe that one way we can work to change the world is by focusing on how we raise our children. I also know that as Ferris Bueller said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” I think I mentioned this in a previous blog but one of the first things my new boss at work said to me was, “Molly, you better make time for your baby because one day you’ll wake up and he’ll be 8 years old.”

Two weekends ago over Easter Weekend, I tried really hard to put all of this into practice and wanted to share my experiences on the blog.

On the Friday evening of Easter Weekend, I came home from work and took LJ outside, which is his favorite place to be in the world. We took his Paw Patrol truck and he rode it down to the end of our street. All of the snow had been melting that day and it had also kind of been raining so there was a big puddle on the sidewalk at the end of the street. I knew as soon as I saw it that he was going to go straight for it. I was tired and it was the end of the week so the first thought that crossed my mind was to distract him over to a different area in order to avoid the mess and the aftermath of having to wash his clothes and shoes and throw him in the tub. But I didn’t distract him. I thought about all the literature I’ve read that talks about how healthy it is for kids to explore nature and how much can be learned from just playing with rocks, sticks, and dirt instead of watching a screen and I just watched him as he went in and out of the mud with his Paw Patrol truck for about 20 minutes.

On Saturday afternoon we celebrated Easter with Larry’s family. We arrived to the hosts’ home early and had a couple of hours until the rest of the guests arrived. Larry was helping with the food preparation so I was with LJ. I once again took him outside, his favorite place to be. The house we were at is on kind of a small, gravel road by a pond. There are about 5 other houses on the same small road. We didn’t have any of his typical outdoor toys with us so I was a bit nervous thinking of how I would entertain him. My nerves were quickly quelled after we just started walking on the gravel road. LJ wanted to pick up and examine every.single.rock. He would pick them up, look at me with wide eyes, and say “Rock!” like it was so amazing that there was yet another rock on this gravel road. We very slowly made it to the part of the road that was closest to the pond. I felt surprisingly refreshed from not stressing about entertaining him to simply following his lead on walking and looking at the rocks around him. When we got to the pond, I had a flashback to my childhood when we would go camping or hiking and spend time skipping rocks with my mother. I wanted to share that slow pastime with LJ so I picked up a rock and threw it in the pond (I didn’t skip it because I knew an almost two year old would find a big splash much more amusing). After it splashed in the pond, he looked up at me like it was the most amazing, funny thing he’d seen, and of course, he wanted to do it too. So we spent the next half hour to 45 minutes finding rocks and throwing them in the pond. It was slow, some might say it was boring, but it was relaxing and fun for both him and me.

On Sunday afternoon, LJ woke up from his nap a bit cranky. Again, I had this anxiety of how I was going to keep him entertained until dinner time, bath time, and bedtime. But I remembered my experience from the previous day and took him outside. He played outside for over two hours straight and did not fuss once. And the best part was, most of it was spent without any guided play or entertainment on my part. In the past I would feel like I had to constantly be either showing him cool stuff or talking to him, but I didn’t feel like that anymore. I really just followed his lead and realized that kids don’t need someone constantly entertaining them. Unlike most adults, they haven’t lost the ability to be amused by exploring and learning and they haven’t had their attention hijacked from the constant “rewards” most of us get from television, video games, the internet, etc.

I’m certainly not perfect. My life is overscheduled and I often lose sight of everything I mentioned above. But I’m cognizant and I’m trying. And most importantly, I am ever so aware of how much our children can teach us if we just listen to them and follow their lead.

Project: Jill

I have put off writing this blog because I have struggled with three things. First, I’m not entirely sure how to explain something I decided to do; second, because I am afraid of what people might think, including even my dearest sisters and friends; and third, I might fail and if I announce my intentions, that means others might know I have failed as well. Like most people, I despise failure when just I know about it but I seriously abhor public failure.  

I guess I need to just get it over with-to rip off the proverbial band aid quickly, instead of painstakingly pulling it off section by section. So here goes. I am competing for Mrs. Iowa 2018. There. It’s not a secret anymore. Whew. Now for the second hardest part. Why in the world am I doing this?

This is a piece of my decision I have struggled to put into words adequately because I don’t want to be judged. I understand some may think competing in a pageant would be anathema to me and I initially thought the same thing. I guess I need to go back to 2017 to fully explain how I got here. 2017 was a difficult year for me and I didn’t take very good care of myself. The end result was 2017 culminated in a horrible storm of personal and public failure.  It’s all fine now, I got through it and came out on the other end better and stronger as a result. But 2017 had forever changed the way I viewed myself and my life. I decided I wanted 2018 to be the year I worked on myself. And that’s how it all started. A pageant really encourages you to become the best version of yourself. I have learned so much about myself, about celebrating my womanhood and getting my fun side back. You see, ever since I got back from Afghanistan in 2011, that fun-loving girl has been largely absent from my life. I don’t know why, but I’m just a bit too darn serious like all of the flipping time. Getting involved in pageantry has helped me find my whimsical side. Don’t worry, it is still fleeting and I haven’t turned into a fairy princess but at least I know that fun part of myself is still there. I just need to keep in working to find her. I will also say that the scoring of a pageant is weighted 50% on the interview so it is definitely not just a looks-based institution as I originally and mistakenly had thought. 

I also decided I was tired of being afraid of failure, a decision I might regret at this immediate moment but one that I stand by all the same. So I wanted to do something that I really stood a chance at failing at because I had learned from 2017 that failure is a ridiculously amazing teacher. And I’m tired of being afraid it gosh darn it. So I wanted to take it head on, in an in-your-face sort of way. And pageantry is definitely something I might fail at. As those of you know me will recognize, I have not always been in touch with my feminine side. I don’t know make up or hair and rarely wear dresses. I like typical “boy” activities and always have. But I am a woman and I wanted to celebrate that. I’m tired of hiding it or quelling it or muting it under certain circumstances. I don’t think that helps women in general. So anyway, I have been learning how to embrace my feminist, which I didn’t think I had a drop of to begin with but I’m finding I actually like learning these new things and taking better care of my whole person. In some ways, I am healing old wounds by embracing this side of myself.  I also wanted to push myself outside of my comfort zone, and believe me, I’m there. Dress shopping, shoe shopping are completely outside my wheelhouse. But it means I’m growing. And I’m taking chances and that, is living. 

And finally, I felt called to do more to promote and advance veterans issues, and in particular female veterans issues. I wanted a forum, a chance to speak to civilians about changing their perception of what a veteran is. You see, the civilian-military divide is growing into a chasm. Only 0.4 % of Americans serve in active duty. If you include reservists, it rises by a mere 0.4% to around 0.8%. This statistic is staggering and it means that some civilians have no ties to someone serving in the military. This divide enables harmful stereotypes about veterans to persist. So what are civilians to do? As a society, we have tacitly accepted that if service men and women are thanked for our service, the civilian obligation has been satisfied. I’m not that easy of a sell and believe civilians need to do more, to get some skin in the game so to speak, by actually supporting a veterans organization instead of uttering words that arent fully or adequately understood when they are uttered. We must do more. So I wanted to set the example and started volunteering at the VA hospital once a week. I also partner with Soldiers Angels and sponsor deployed service women and have participated in online baby showers for active duty mothers. I have also raised money for warm Socks for warriors-we raised $230 together!! Finally, I worked with my son’s school to send valentines to soldiers overseas. These are all ways civilians and service members a like can get some skin in the game that will have much more of an impact on service members than simply thanking them for their service. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate the thanks. But the obligation to support our military men and women should not stop there. So that became my platform for Mrs. Iowa. I wanted my voice to be heard and I wanted to do more to bring awareness to this issue. 

So that is the long story of how I found myself competing for Mrs. Iowa. The pageant is June 23 and if I fail, all of you will now know it and that’s ok. I have learned so much about myself by putting myself out there that it doesn’t really matter if I win or lose. I am also thinking of starting a Pageant 101 blog because I know so many amazing women who could compete in their states but maybe didn’t know a Mrs. Pageant existed or don’t know where to start. More to come on that. 

To wrap this up, I will say it has been a little expensive to go from zero to sixty in the pageantry world. There are registration fees, photography fees, accommodation and travel expenses, and costuming fees. I have no shoes or earrings or really anything a girl needs for a pageant and so I have had to buy it all. If you felt compelled to support this journey for me and my family, I have created a go fund me site to help defray the costs of some of these expenses. I know it’s my decision and I have brought this in myself so please know I don’t expect anything or deserve your support. But if for whatever reason you want to support this atypical female competing in a world where I could very well be out of my league but feel compelled to push myself to show the world what types of women are out there, please know any contributions are greatly appreciated. It shows support for what I am trying to accomplish and belief in my journey and that is so much better than words. Thank you for not judging me and for coming with me in this journey that could result in public failure. Let’s embrace it and enjoy the ride! https://www.gofundme.com/yebjb-mrs-iowa-america-2018

Here is the link for my go fund me page:

https://www.gofundme.com/yebjb-mrs-iowa-america-2018

Showing Up

“We show up for each other. That’s what we do.” This was Beth Shelton’s assertion. Beth is the CEO of Girl Scouts of Greater Iowa, an organization that I am privileged and proud to be part of. These statements were part of her address at the Governor’s Luncheon for Scouting last month. These statements have also been with me ever since.

As part of the Governor’s Luncheon for Scouting, I volunteered to be a table host. The luncheon was free to attend AND there would be an ask for pledges and donations during the presentation and meal. I was surrounded by 10 people who had “shown up” for me…I’m sure they love Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts but the reality was that none of those people would have been there that day, had it not been to support me. I got teary at Beth’s words, realizing I had people in my life who cared about me enough to take time out of their busy days, attend an event they wouldn’t have otherwise attended, and donate money to an organization I care deeply about and believe strongly in.

Like I said, I’ve been thinking about these words since that day and what they mean in my life. I was so grateful and touched by those that had “shown up” for me, I decided I needed to be more intentional about “showing up” for others. There have been times when I’ve been personally invited to an event and felt too tired…or I didn’t have time to look the way I thought I should (there’s that perilous word!)…or didn’t think anyone would really miss me if I didn’t go because there were going to be so many other people there…and for those reasons, I didn’t “show up.”

Since I’ve been more intentional about this, barring a conflict in previously scheduled commitments like work, class, or prior social engagements, I’ve been showing up for people. I may not have been the life of the party, I might have had no makeup, glasses, unkempt hair and possibly a “nice” version of yoga pants on, I might have only been able to stay two hours instead of all night…but I’ve been showing up. And since I’ve been paying attention, it’s become obvious to me that it means a lot to people…whether there are three people or thirty there, it means something.

Aaaaaaannnnddd…to bring it around to the blog…I haven’t had a lot of time in the past two weeks to write. I haven’t had anything I was ready to share, that got me fired up, was something I felt was particularly interesting, or I had the energy to write about…so I thought about just letting it slide. But what my intention of “showing up” has taught me…it’s not about how it looks, it’s not about every foray into society or blogdom being perfect, having the most views, or being the most profound…it’s about showing up.

I wanted to “show up” for the blog…it’s important to me and it’s important to my sisters. I also think it’s essential for me to continue to be mindful of the ways my “all or nothing”, somewhat perfectionist tendencies can sneak into and fuck with my life. By “showing up”, even when circumstances aren’t perfect, I’m letting people know they are important to me and I’m also living a lesson I need (pretty frequent) reminders on.

The "Learn from Kids" Curriculum

It’s funny how life changes. Five years ago over President’s Day Weekend my boyfriend (now husband) and I went on a ski trip to Attitash Mountain Resort in New Hampshire. We had a romantic weekend of skiing, drinking, eating, and snuggling. I came home with the life lesson that even though I think I am super athletic, I will probably never be a good skier and that’s okay because as Anne Alesch always reminds me, I can’t do ALL the things. Besides, I liked the eating and drinking part way better!

Fast forward to this President’s Day Weekend where we had pretty much no plans – it’s hard to plan much when you have a one year old. Although we had no plans, we didn’t just sit around the house all weekend either – there is NO sitting when you have a one year old. On Friday night we had some friends over who have a soon to be 6 year old daughter. On Saturday after swim lessons, we went to the mall to get Larry some new work clothes. LJ also spotted a bright yellow North Face coat that he had to have (his favorite color is yellow and it was on sale so of course we let him get it). On Sunday morning we played in the snow and on Sunday afternoon, after I had a minor breakdown because LJ wouldn’t nap, LJ went to his grandparents for the afternoon and Larry and I joined later for a Sunday dinner. On Monday morning, LJ, Daphne, and I were out of the house by 9am going for a walk because none of us do well when we have to stay inside. Then Daddy stayed with LJ so that I could meet my friend for a much needed girls’ brunch. Monday afternoon we went with our neighbors to the trampoline park and Monday night we had Larry’s parents over for dinner so they could enjoy some of Larry’s cooked-from-scratch meatballs.

Oye- now I know that you, reader, probably do not care about the mundane details from my weekend. However, I think my sisters might(?) and that’s one of the reasons we blog (even though we have been slacking in 2018). I also think I might look enjoy looking back on this blog five years from now as I anticipate that I will miss some of the activities I did with my one year old even though they can be tiring as heck when you are in the moment. As a good mentor recently told me, “enjoy as much time with him now as you can because one day you’ll wake up and he will be 7 years old” (excuse me while I stop typing and hold back my tears for a moment).  

Moreover, I guess the whole reason I wanted to write this blog was to talk about the “lessons” I learned from this weekend as compared to the lesson I learned five years ago on my ski trip. I already mentioned the lesson I learned while skiing. This weekend the lesson I learned is one that I am continuously relearning over and over. Although it sounds cliché and is over-memed (is memed a verb?!) on social media, we can learn a lot from kids and the way that they experience life. There were two big examples from the weekend that (re)taught me the same lesson from the “learn from kids” curriculum: little kids are not afraid to fail or be laughed at…that fear is unfortunately something we develop as get older.

So the first example…on Saturday while we were in the mall, LJ was all excited about his new coat so he was running around trying to find Dada to show him. He got going a little too fast and SPLAT fell right on his face in front of two other customers who laughed at him. Did LJ notice they were laughing at him? No. Did he cry and complain to me about how his failed attempt to run fast? No. Did he refuse to try running again? No. He simply got up and started to run to find Dada again.

The second example involves our friends’ 5 year old daughter. On Friday night she wanted to read to me after LJ had gone to bed. She is just learning to read so she still gets some of the words wrong and needed my help with a couple of them. Did she attempt every word even though she knew she might mispronounce it? Yes, she did. Did she quit reading when she mispronounced one? No, she did not. Did she not even try because she thought I might laugh at her if she got a word wrong? No. She had no issues with making mistakes and “failing” in front of me. After reading, she wanted to show me her Doodle Book. It is a cute activity book that requires the owner to finish part of the picture. For example, on one page there was a flower vase with flower stems that required the child to draw the flower blooms. The page that we first worked on was a picture of a hamster in a cage and it required us to draw some other things that you might find in a hamster’s cage. I was “good” at that one. The next page, however, required us to draw a matching parrot friend for a parrot that was already drawn. I am a terrible artist and my 5 year old friend wanted ME to get the picture started! I actually said to her, “No, I can’t draw so you better see if your dad or Larry can help you…” And then, I suddenly caught myself as I realized I was teaching her that I wouldn’t even try because I didn’t think I was good enough. I quickly gathered myself and said, “no, you know what, let me try. Let’s work on it together.” We proceeded to attempt the drawing together and although the finished product was barely distinguishable as a parrot, I felt good knowing that I had modeled TRYING and not being afraid of FAILING to draw the picture.

And that, folks, is all I have. Really not earth-shattering but clearly easier said than done as we get older. Have you experienced this lesson with the kids you’ve been around? Is there anything you have not attempted as an adult because you are afraid of failure?

Several Scheduling Snafus

I don’t know WHAT happened this week, but it was an incredibly frustrating week in terms of scheduling gatherings with friends and family. I’m not sure why all of the scheduling chaos all happened within THE SAME week, but it did. And so I’m taking the ridiculous prevalence as a sign from the universe that I should blog about it. J

Here are the scheduling snafus I have had in the last TWO DAYS:

1)      Montana Family Trip

The 5 Dissident Daughters and our father are planning on going to visit Montana this summer. Our dad is turning 70, and we want to celebrate this with him by taking him back to his ol’ stomping grounds. It’s going to be an incredibly beautiful and meaningful trip; he is going to show us where he fought forest fires as a college student and where he lived.

The problem? There are 6 people’s schedules to try and coordinate. And as you all probably know, all of the Dissident Daughters have many responsibilities and commitments. We thought that we had finalized the final date for the trip, only we realized that NONE of us had checked with the guest of honor- our father- to make sure the dates worked with him!

We are STILL in negotiations about what to do with this situation- if we can find new dates, or if we can find a way to make the original dates work.

2)      College Girlfriend Getaway

In addition to scheduling a family trip this summer, I am trying to schedule a weekend getaway with my college girlfriends. You see, this summer will mark ten years since we have graduated college together. To celebrate this anniversary- as well as the fact that we are all dear friends- we are trying to find a long weekend that we can get away together at a house by a lake.

The problem? Well, yet again there are 6 people’s schedules we are trying to coordinate. People that work, volunteer, have families, teach, and are just actively engaged in life. The other issue is that my scheduling with MY family trip is impacting the scheduling with MY friends trip. I told my friends that my sisters and I had finalized the dates for our trip….and then…I had to tell them that we are back in deliberation. I felt HORRIBLE doing this, but I had to tell them.

3)      Mom’s Birthday Weekend

There are three Dissident Daughters that live in Des Moines (Amy, Jill, and myself), and we are trying to schedule a weekend to celebrate my mother’s February birthday. Again, the problem is that human communication and schedule coordination is difficult. I don’t even know how to describe what happened, but it was a convoluted mess. First Amy forgot to tell Jill the new dates…then we all finally got on the same page in a group chat….but then Jill remembered she had a friend visiting the weekend we chose….so then we talked about doing it the next weekend…in the meantime our Mom called Amy…but then Jill and I still didn’t know…so then no one knew why we were confused…etc. Yikes. How hard can it hypothetically be to schedule someone’s birthday weekend? Apparently, it’s very, very difficult!

4)      Work Friend Outing

I have some good friends from work, and we have forever wanted to hang out at our coworker’s Cindy’s house. We set a date in January, but one of the group members couldn’t make it due to another family obligation. So, we set another date for February. Well, as the date approached, I had something come up, and I couldn’t make the date. We thought about rescheduling…but we couldn’t find a new date that worked for everyone in February. So then I said that everyone should just hang out without me. They planned on doing that…but then the weather started to look nasty…some other factors came to light…and in the end, we ended up postponing the entire event until March.

Now, I’m going to be honest and say that all of this scheduling chaos the past couple of days has felt very frustrating to me. I want to do all of these events, I want my friends and family to do all of these events, and I want it to be settled. Moreover, I know for a fact that I’m not the only one that gets frustrated. Tempers grow short, people feel slighted, individuals have different expectations of timelines, etc. It’s like…all of people’s differences in terms of what it means to function as a HUMAN manifest when trying to coordinate schedules.

And so…I want to take a minute to remind myself (and anyone else that finds him or herself in a similar situation), of the following:

A)     Abundance

Wow. What a sign of vibrant human life to have this as a problem. Is it frustrating? You bet it is. But how wonderful to have such a life of abundance that includes opportunities to gather with friends and family.

B)      Human. Communication. Is. Messy. And. Imperfect.

Anyone who tries to argue that human communication is easy seriously needs to have dirty diapers rammed down their throat.  It doesn’t matter how effective people grow at communication, it is still going to be messy. People’s statements are distorted or misinterpreted. People forget who they have told and what they have told them. People have different timelines of when everything should be communicated. People have a different idea of what the process for making a decision should look like. I am going to reiterate- Human.Communication.Is.Messy.And.Imperfect.

I try to remind myself of this when I grow frustrated that we keep going round and round and can't reach a decision. Of course, human communication can be improved by talking about expectations and needs, but that still doesn’t even come close to eradicating the messiness. Human.Communication.Is.Messy.And.Imperfect.

C)      Compromise

You HAVE to compromise. This probably sounds SO obvious and that’s because it’s easy for us to believe in compromise on paper, but it’s SO hard for humans to actually DO it. I’ll admit that this one in particular is difficult for me. I WANT to be able to do everything in my life. And even though that’s an unreasonable expectation, I still want it and expect it to happen. For example, I originally wanted to celebrate my mom’s birthday on the weekend of February 24^th because I had nothing going on that weekend. In my head, it was going to work out perfect- I was going to play in an Iowa Games volleyball tournament earlier in February, and then I would be able to celebrate my mom’s birthday on February 24^th. Wouldn’t life be grand?! I’d get to do everything I wanted! Volleyball and birthday celebrations during February- who could ask for more in this dreary winter month!

Well, it just doesn’t work like that. Dissident Daughter Amy has to work on February 24^th, and it turns out that my volleyball tournament was cancelled. So, I don’t get to celebrate my mom’s birthday on the weekend I wanted, and I don’t get to play in my volleyball tournament.

Life Lesson that Anne has to relearn everyday: Nope, you simply cannot do ALL THE THINGS.

D)     Love and forgive.

Love the people that you are coordinating with. Love the messiness that is involved because it actually gives you even more opportunities to talk and communicate with the people you care about. Love the anticipation of the event that you are planning- the more time it takes to plan, the more time you have to anticipate and love the event that you are planning.

Forgive yourself for not always hearing what other people are asking, and forgive yourself for hurting them. Forgive others for not knowing what you need and want. All parties are going to miss the mark in some way when communicating, and so try to forgive them and yourself for the missteps and misgivings along the way.  

I am excited about the fun plans I have coming up with friends and family. That being said, they get frustrated, I get frustrated, and it can be difficult to plan.

So, try to figure out what works for you and the involved parties. Talk about needs and expectations, and have everyone contribute ideas for how to make the planning process effective.

And just know that after all of that, it’s STILL going to be messy. We are human, after all.