Broken

Hello, Strangers – It has been some time since you have heard from me. I personally have been on a bit of a roller coaster. I don’t feel like writing about that right now though. Being on a roller coaster, at least at first, might be sort of fun. But after a while it really becomes exhausting. I’m glad I have disembarked from the wild ride but I am still dizzy and feel a little sick after all of the twists and turns. Anyway, I am not yet ready to write about it and don’t know that I ever will. I suppose it is because I think I will look stupid, naïve or perhaps even worse. It’s also because I haven’t been able to glean any sort of lesson or wisdom from the experience yet. Anyway, so the first two months of 2022 have been a little hellish on me. My good friend Martin, however, in a way only he can do told me recently, “Well, good woman, Hell on Earth can’t last forever.” Simple and profound. That’s Martin. Thanks, my good man, for the reminder and for always being there. The point in me telling you all that is that I just don’t have it in me to be super profound right now. Instead, I am going to write about divorce.  

There are two phrases that bother me when we speak about divorce.  The first is referring to divorce as the "easier path" compared to staying married.  The reality is that getting divorced is hard. It takes an enormous pair of balls to get divorced. There are societal, familial, religious and other pressures at play in any decision to get divorced. Maybe some people make the decision lightly but I would opine that most people who have gotten divorced have pondered it for some length of time. Most of the time that battle is fought from within so you may not even be aware someone has been wrestling with the decision for months, maybe even years. I also think a lot of people who get divorced have tried to talk themselves out of it. Why? Divorce means change on apocalyptic levels. Divorce redistributes the wealth of two people, sometimes not so evenly. Divorce means you won’t see your children every day. Divorce often means one or both people will move into different houses. Divorce means you will likely lose some friends and maybe, even some family members. Divorce is an unknown that changes the fabric of every single important relationship you have. It also means a complete lifestyle change – navigating life as a single person is substantially different than navigating through life as part of a couple. I am not being dramatic – these things all change -sometimes in only a matter of days or months- when a person gets divorced. 

 Of course, I acknowledge that being married is hard as well, but it is hard for different reasons. In choosing to stay married, generally speaking, one doesn't lose the amount of security or wealth that occurs in a divorce.  Nor does a person who stays married necessarily lose time with their children or learn how to re-navigate life in a different status.  I want to affirm that I recognize a person may lose things if he or she stays married.  My only point is that marriage and divorce are hard in different ways.  The reality is that neither is easy. However, if a person stays married, I think it is safe to say people generally support that decision. Yet, when a person makes the decision to get divorced, that person often times is not going to be showered with support. No one is going to throw someone a party for being divorced for 15 years but they might if a person stays married for that long even if the marriage is not a happy one. No one asks someone to justify why they have stayed unhappily married but when a person gets divorced, at least in my experience, the first question is “Why.” The “why” implies there needs to be a justification for the outcome. Moreover, by asking why, the questioner has implied there must be an obvious reason that can be articulated for the divorce and completely glosses over the fact that divorce is a complex, emotional experience that cannot usually be packaged up in a succinct one-minute response. Not providing a response or not providing a response the listener deems “adequate” can result in a loss of support. The “why” is then usually followed by an “I’m sorry.” This statement presumes that the divorce was a bad or not ideal outcome. I think a better response might be “How are you feeling,” or “Is there anything you need?” These statements better acknowledge the emotional complexities of divorce without assuming it was a bad thing or prying too much for an easy justification.  Therefore, is it truly an "easier" path?  I think this term persists because it is a mental shortcut that is designed for the specific purpose of encouraging one outcome and shaming the other.  However, this characterization is really based upon what I believe to be an outdated construct of human relationships and lifestyles - i.e. one man, one woman in holy matrimony.   Our understanding of human relationships and lifestyles is slowly advancing (at least I think it is) beyond this singular construct. While the one man, one woman in holy matrimony construct still exists, it is not (or eventually will not be) the only acceptable construct. Therefore, I think it is more accurate to say that divorce is one of many paths, none of which can properly be deemed "easy." 

A second related phrase is use of the term "broken home."  This phrase is actually defined in an online dictionary (don’t ask me which one – it was the first one that came up when I googled it) as a family in which the parents are divorced or separated. It is used in a sentence as follows: “he comes from a broken home.” But what is really being said when this phrase is used? The definition of the word “broken” is having been fractured or damaged and no longer in one piece or in working order. Ergo, the implication is that by getting divorced, one has damaged or fractured their home to such a degree that it is no longer in one piece or working order. This description of the home post-divorce is neither positive nor optimistic, and I think it is a rather judgmental generalization of a post-divorce home that is once again designed to shame the outcome.  The "broken home" pejorative stems from the premise that a married home is better than a divorced home.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that when this term was coined it was specifically meant to compare a divorced family with a heterosexual married couple with the desired conclusion being that a heterosexual married couple is good, while a divorced couple (or anything outside of hetero married couple) is bad.  The origin of what constitutes a "good" or unbroken home is also based on the same outdated construct of human relationships and lifestyles. However, being divorced is really just another lifestyle/relationship choice on the menu of life.  A divorced home, or really any home for that matter, should not be referred to as broken simply because of how it looks. A home is a good home if there is love present. If there is love in a home, no matter what that home looks like, it is still and should be considered a good home.   

So what is my point in writing about all of this?  Is it to make you feel sorry for divorced people?  No, it is not. Is it to bash or denigrate marriage? Absolutely not. Is it to somehow argue divorced people experience more discrimination than others? Hell no (please see the P.S. at the end of this blog for elaboration).  My only point in writing this blog is to try and reframe how we think about divorce and the origins of the terms we use to describe it.    

P.S. I am aware that judgment about other types of lifestyles and relationships exists. I do not intend for this blog to be interpreted as excluding or ignoring that fact. This blog simply is not about other lifestyles. I acknowledge and affirm that other lifestyles and relationships experience discrimination. However, this blog is simply limited to discussing one lifestyle choice and should not be perceived as any sort of attempt to engage in comparative suffering.