The Darkness

Recently, I suffered a loss.  The particulars, the details - they are of no import.  A loss is a loss, no matter the circumstances.  I will just say that my perception of something was very different than reality.  Due to the fact I chose to overlook what were probably obvious signs that my beliefs and hopes about what was were very far from the truth, what was likely right in front of my face but I refused to acknowledge, the loss was unexpected and unanticipated. Anticipated loss is one thing; unanticipated loss is quite another animal all together.  Although I thought I was done with him, Darkness came to visit me after this situation occurred. Well shit.  I really thought I had moved past Darkness and yet, here he was again, in full regalia.  This was a double gut punch – to not only suffer a loss, but to also discover that I had not rid myself of Darkness after all the work I had done on myself over the past year.  

For whatever reason, this bout of Darkness was overwhelming.  Perhaps it is because I truly allowed myself to feel the Darkness as I lacked the desire and energy to fight with him once again.  Perhaps it was because I was confused by my circumstances-there was only one way they made sense and I was refusing to, once again, accept the truth.  I’d like to think, however, that the reason this bout of Darkness was so crippling was because, deep down, I knew the only way around this suffering was to go through it or that there was more going on than I could comprehend.  Whatever the reason, Darkness took me to some very black places I had not visited in quite some time.  It’s hard for me to have the courage to share this, but I wrote about the Darkness, mostly to try to get Darkness out of my mind.  I understand this is dark and intense – I don’t have a muse when I am happy.  But I am sharing it because I do want to be open about how much I had let Darkness in. I warn you, you won’t feel happy after reading this.  You may even question if I am okay.  I will tell you, I am, indeed, okay.  Please understand this poem captures a moment in time – a moment that I truly and deeply felt, but it does not represent the end of this story. 

   

The Glass House – By Jill Alesch

Pieces of glass scattered all around, 

What once was a house has now been torn down.

A future, a dream, the hope that once shone,

Shuttered and shattered, I am all alone.  

 

The shards are many, the destruction is so intense,

Nothing can be mended, the trauma is too dense.

People say I’m strong, that I will rebuild again, 

They don’t know I’m too tired, the lights have all been dimmed.

 

Even if I did the house would still be made of glass,

Pretty on the outside, but never made to last.

My old friend Darkness arises from the pile, 

Looks at me and smiles, it has been a short while.

 

Yet he and I both know is he is never far away, 

He is always close, I can’t keep him at bay.

He reminds me that when I’m happy, he is always near,

Then invites me to his table and says, “Drink up, my dear.”

 

We have a nice chat, Darkness and I, 

I accept that I’m broken, it’s pointless to try.

There is no one who loves me like Darkness can, 

I acknowledge my fate, it’s who I am.  

 

Marred and battered to a point beyond grace,

When it comes to love, I deserve but a taste.

Like an intimate lover, Darkness wraps his arms around me, I give him my heart and throw away the key.  

 

I don’t know how it came to be or why,

But in the end, it is always just Darkness and I.  

I read and re-read this poem.  I kept reading it until one day, it didn’t make me cry.  And it was then, when it no longer hurt to read the words I had written, that I began to realize I was feeding the Darkness with some of my thoughts about and resentments over the situation.   Darkness wasn’t holding me, I was holding Darkness.  By doing this, I was only extending my suffering and grief.  By doing this, I had invited Darkness to stay because I was refusing to look at the underlying reason for Darkness’s visit.  I was so focused on how I had been wronged, or what I could have done differently, or why did this have to happen to me, or how could I have been so stupid as to not see what was really going on that I was completely ignoring the real reason Darkness had come to pay me a visit. And so he was going to stay until I was open to understanding why he had come with such force. 

   

Interestingly enough, it seems God and the Universe always give us what we need when we are ready to receive it.  Someone at work asked me how I was doing, and my eyes welled up with tears and spilled out onto my cheeks.  Although I was embarrassed by an extreme reaction to a rather simple question, especially while at work, this person who I don’t know very well at all, said to me something I will never forget.  “Jill, I don’t know what is going on, but you have to think of yourself like a tree.  If the roots are good, you can always cut and prune the branches and they grow back.  Sometimes branches are broken by things out of our control, but they always grow back if you mind the roots.  And, if they don’t grow back, it is for a reason, but the tree can still be beautiful.”   I thought about these words for a few days.  I knew my roots were good, so the branch that had been broken would either grow back or it wouldn’t, but one dead branch wouldn’t kill my tree or make it less beautiful.  It was then that I began to wonder if, perhaps, I had been looking at Darkness all wrong.  I began to consider the possibility that maybe Darkness had come because I needed to cut down some branches.  Perhaps Darkness would stay until I fully learned what he had come to reveal to me.  Maybe, just maybe, Darkness was not my enemy at all.  Maybe Darkness did love me like no one else could, but in a way I had not considered before.    

As I pondered this possibility, I began to look deeper into what Darkness may have wanted me to learn.  I concluded that Darkness was telling me it was time to trim my tree, cut down some branches and prune some others.  And then I saw this quote randomly on Instagram, “You will suffer until you become the best version of yourself,” and I knew I was on the right track.  It hasn’t been easy – this personal inventory of sorts.  I had to quit a part-time job I enjoyed and let people down when I did, but God and the Universe had given me several signs it was time to go, and I had not listened before now.  I stopped drinking as well, which was also not easy, but Darkness wanted me to trim down these branches with a clear mind so I didn’t cut off or trim the wrong branches-some of them – like my kids and extended family-are good and need to grow and flourish.  I recommitted myself to my own physical health.  I re-joined an organization and a way of life I left three years ago.  Darkness dissipated with each step I took in the right direction, and yet he was still lingering.  Darkness didn’t leave me until the day I decided to commit the next six months of my life to pruning my tree, taking it down to the damn roots if I needed to.  I had finally learned what Darkness was trying to tell me – that I needed to focus on me without any extraneous distractions.  Darkness and I agreed to revisit this item after six months minimum, but he also told me to be prepared for it to take longer.  Regardless of the time frame, I needed to take this time to tend to my tree and grow as a person.  Yes, I had done some of that over the last year, but Darkness has now told me I am not anywhere close to being finished.  Maybe, just maybe if I listen to Darkness, I won’t end up building another Glass House.  Perhaps, Darkness, as much as I hate the way I feel when he is near, is actually my best friend and mentor. 

I am hopeful Darkness will leave me alone while I am focusing only on myself and my kids.  I do know that eventually he will pay me another visit.  However, when he does, I am simply going to invite him in as a friend and ask him what he wants me to learn.   I am not going to argue with him or try to convince him I have been wronged.  I am not going to resist his cold embrace, but I am also not going to sit at his table for three weeks in self-pity.  When I sit at Darkness’s table, he will allow me to stay if I sit there.  I don’t think, as I once did, that Darkness invites me to his table – I think I invite myself.  I also no longer think Darkness actually wants me to sit at his table, but as long as I keep serving food and drink, he will permit the indulgence--not out of cruelty, as I once thought, but maybe out of the hardest kind of tough love. 

This morning, as I sat outside and enjoyed my morning coffee in solace, reflecting on my branches, I happened to notice a particular tree outside my backyard.  It was small-probably not even noticeable because it was surrounded by other beautiful flowering trees.  But this tree I had focused on, small as it may be, had lush pink flowers whereas the trees it stood amongst were all adorned with white flowers.  I reflected that right now, my tree looks injured and awkward.  Some of the branches are severed, some are cracked, and some need some pruning.  There are but a few flowers.  Yet, I know it won’t always be that way because of the lesson Darkness taught me.  Now, when I picture what my tree will look like six months or a year from now, I picture that small pink tree outside my backyard.  It may be small and still growing, but it is strong, beautiful, unique, well pruned, surrounded by other beautiful trees and not afraid to just be the tree that God and the Universe intended it to be. 

Side note:  I used to refer to myself as an asshole at least once in every blog-I thought it was funny, to be honest.  This is the first blog where I didn’t call myself an asshole.  When I call myself an asshole, I am sitting at Darkness’s table because I am actually not an asshole.  I am a deeply sensitive and loving person who has been hurt, so sometimes I hide behind a tough exterior but that does not make me an asshole.  I will no longer be using that term to refer to myself in these blogs.  This is also a branch I needed to cut down and I am not sure what will grow in its place, but perhaps it will be something kinder, gentler and more reflective of who I am as a human being.    

Second side note:  When I say cutting off branches, I do not mean I am going to cut people off (unless they are harming me in some way) or ghost them.  To date, I have only cut two people out of my life entirely and when I did, I didn’t ghost them because I think that is particularly cruel.  Rather, I told each of these people what I was doing and why.  For the most part, I won’t block people who have come into my life in some capacity because no matter what someone has done or what our history may be, I’d like to think I will always be there as a friend or someone that can be counted on when a person is need.  That is the kind of person I am and always want to be.  It is my greatest attribute and, maybe, also my worst, but it is how I would want to be treated-as a human being who deserves dignity and respect-not a commodity that can be easily discarded. 

One-Handed

My daughter, Adeline, got a gymnastics bar from Santa this year. I have written before about how she came into this world: rip roaring and practically doing flips on the delivery table. The girl is bouncy and full of energy.

Thus, it was no surprise that she loved her gymnastics bar that she received from Santa and was a natural on it. In only a couple of days, she was pulling herself up completely by hanging on it and pulling both of her feet up to the bar. Soon after, she started performing a more daring task – doing it with one hand.

One night as we watched a movie together, er I mean sat in the living room together because Adeline does not sit still enough to watch movies, Adeline was on her bar. She pulled up and did her one-handed hang trick and confidently shouted, “One hand! See! Only one hand!” My mouth literally opened and I almost told her something to make her stop or be quiet until I caught myself. My initial reaction was that she was rubbing it in to LJ, who I am not sure even 4 months later can perform this trick. I almost told her not to brag so as not to make LJ feel badly. BUT I stopped myself. At the time, I actually don’t know why I stopped myself. I just let her talk about her accomplishment of her one-handed trick.

It just so happens; motherhood is one big, long course in self-development. I’ve consistently written and posted about how I have learned and continue to learn so much from my children. This lesson from Adeline was HUGE for me. I am tired of girls and women playing down their accomplishments so as not to make anyone else feel inferior. I am tired of girls and women not shouting their accomplishments from the roof tops and rejoicing with each other. I am tired of girls and women thinking that if they talk about their wins and accomplishments that they are boastful and arrogant. I am tired of girls and women thinking they need to be humble and nice. (As an aside, boys and men also do this, but in my experience and as is backed by research, girls and women tend to do this more.)

Celebrating our wins and sharing our successes encourages others to rise up! The world is not limited to having only one person who can do a one-handed bar hang! When she celebrates her abilities and accomplishments, she inspires us all to do the same. When you let your light and your energy shine, you attract others to it. Please. Stop playing small to prevent others from feeling inferior. Take up room, be loud about your accomplishments and pull others up with you. Love.

A Love Letter to My Friends and to Friendship

I’ve wanted to write this blog post for a long time, but I’ve questioned what angle to use, and I’ve also struggled with finding the precise words to convey my sentiments. I’ve finally settled on primarily focusing on anecdotal experience per usual, for I do believe that praxis is the most useful way to demonstrate theory.

This blog post is a love letter to my friends, as well as to the concept of friendship in particular. One of the greatest thinkers in western civilization, Aristotle, wrote prolifically about friendships and the value they contribute to human life. For those of you who are not familiar with ancient philosophy, Aristotle lived in the 300’s BCE, so he was writing about the significance of this human relationship category already thousands of years ago. It has always been an integral relational dynamic.

To flourish as a human being, you need friends. Yes, I am going to make a universal
statement, and I am going to stand by it. In a culture that focuses on individualism and differences, some may consider such a broad proclamation brash or oppressive. And yet, there are some universal statements that do apply to all of humanity. For example, we all need water to live and oxygen to breathe. I’m not going to say how many friends one needs or anything as prescriptive as that, but I am convinced that human beings need friendship in order to thrive.

I am at a place in my life where I can’t tell you how much I value my friends. Let me give some recent examples:

1)    I was freaking out about something yesterday, and my friend Krystal popped into a private conference room at work to chat with me on the phone for 20 minutes to help calm me down. She interrupted her work day while at the office because I needed her. I’m so thankful that she recognized that I was spiraling, and she was willing to drop everything for me.

2)    My friend, Amy, turned 40 this past February. Consequently, our mutual friend, Ellyse, organized this incredibly thoughtful trip to Omaha where we honored her and made her feel special. Our third friend in the group, Lynsey, rented a freakin’ IGLOO for us to hang out in that weekend! We also dressed up in costume themes each day. I can’t tell you how privileged I am to belong to a friend group that is not only incredibly considerate of one another, but they also are confident and fun enough that they love dressing in costumes regularly.

3)    My anxiety has been a bit high lately, and like any responsible adult that teaches healthy coping skills in her professional life, I’ve handled it by drinking alcohol. A couple of weeks ago, I got freakin’ hammered at a Mexican restaurant. We’re talking stumbling, lacking-a-filter level drunk. My friend, Aundrea, stayed sober, and she put up with my annoying self. She took me to her house, and we played Mario Kart so I could sober up before I drove home.

4)  My friend, Kati, regularly makes extra food for dinner and will text me to come over and grab a plate. Sometimes I will stay and chat for awhile, and other times, I'll catch up briefly and then go home. It feels so warm and hospitable to receive the gift of food from someone and to know that they are thoughtful enough to share it with you.

5)    I did a “Clued Up” event with some gym friends this past Saturday. Some of the women that participated I am super close with, and others, I am at a more acquaintance level. And still- the older I get- the more I am CONVINCED that this “third level” or “acquaintance level” friendship is actually one of the most valuable and integral circles we need in our life (and it’s precisely what has been missing in the pandemic for many people…and it’s a gigantic separate-but-related diatribe I would LOVE to go on.) It was so fun to dress up with acquaintances and to do an event with them. Additionally, we had time after the event to grab drinks and get to know each other better, as well as to create some movement beyond acquaintance level. It was a delightful day.

I am so grateful to have this level of friendship in my life. These people (and some others not mentioned) are a layer of “family” in my life, and to be perfectly candid and controversial, I’m happy and confident in my decision to not social distance with them throughout the duration of the pandemic. I don’t think that I- or what makes me special as “Anne”- would have survived if I had social distanced from them. To anyone listed above, I love and adore you.

I implore people to find, cultivate, and nourish their friendships. We can’t survive this life – at least not very well- without them. I’ve written before about the danger of prioritizing the nuclear family HERE, and I want to reiterate that love should not be a hierarchy. The love we have for spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends- it’s all still LOVE- and all of the forms are special and powerful in their own unique way. For those that are married and/or have children as a part of the “traditional” nuclear family, I want to validate that this IS indeed a special kind of love, but that it is not necessarily a higher form. Isn’t that what makes love so powerful, anyhow? That it can exist in so many different ways and between so many different people? Difference does not indicate better or worse; rather, difference implies uniqueness, particularity, and exceptionalism. We NEED diverse forms of love so that we express different parts of our identity, and so that we are well-rounded in who supports us.

And- to be perfectly blunt- not only do we need friends for the aforementioned reasons, but also, the esteemed nuclear family is not always possible or sustainable. I had dinner with a friend this week, and he was telling me how he had always dreamed of marrying a college sweetheart. So, when he started dating someone his freshman year of college, he put the majority of his energy into that relationship. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have achieved this dream that he never bothered to make many friends during college OR seminary. And yet, despite his efforts, they ended up going through a divorce after 13 years of a fairly happy marriage. Life is complicated, and sometimes, love just isn’t enough. So, not only did he lose the very thing he sought to keep, but he had to endure it without the support of friends.  He missed out on the multiple benefits of friendship when he was with his wife, AND he missed out on friendship as he grieved this significant loss.

Here’s also what I’ll tell you from my experience of listening to people’s stories for a living: Life is hard. Life can be real fucking hard. It can also certainly be joyous, exhilarating, and peaceful. But, no one makes it out of this life without some real effin’ battle scars. If you haven’t experienced it already, some day, you will have an experience in life that brings you to your knees, and you will question everything you have previously thought about the structure of the universe. And you’ll be begging for something- anything- to hold on to for security and hope. Right now, I have 3 additional friends (on top of the one I just mentioned) who are going through the divorce process. I know a friend who is 35 years old who has been given a terminal diagnosis for breast cancer. I know a friend whose mother just died. I know a friend who is coming to terms with the news that she will never bear children. I know a friend who has been unemployed for over a year and was also rejected from further education opportunities. 

We absolutely need friends to survive the shit that life throws at us. I mean, we also need them for the peaceful and joyous times as well for they are a continual boost to our happiness, meaning, and expression- but my God, again, we really need them in the dark times. And for those of you that value empiricism, research continually demonstrates that support is the number one predictor of someone finding hope and meaning after experiencing distress.

People often joke about how difficult it is to find friends as you grow older in life. There’s this meme going around Christian circles about the “miracle” of Jesus having 12 close friends in his thirties. I understand this to some degree- it’s not like college where you are surrounded by people your age and you don’t have to worry about the responsibilities of adulthood- but, to be honest, I find this meme, well, sort of offensive. It IS possible to have good friends in your 30’s, and actually, the majority of my current close friends are people that I’ve met in the last 5 years or so.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Having friends takes significant time, energy, and intentionality in a world that already demands much of us. I often teach my bereaved clients about how to cultivate friendships, and I always compare it to dating. Because, other than the physical component, finding friends- and keeping them- IS similar to dating. And it means that you have to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE, it means that you WILL be rejected, and it means you HAVE to nurture the relationship if you want it to endure. I can give you several examples of negative “friendship dating” stories that I’ve experienced. There was the time that I invited a gym acquaintance to a tumbling show, and she responded with, “Hmmm. Maybe!” and never followed up later. (Slightly passive aggressive rejection.) I have another friend that I hung out with a couple of times, and I thought that we would be close because we have a lot of common interests in sports. However, her incredibly abrasive and Type ‘A’ personality was NOT a good fit for me, and the friendship has since fizzled out. (Sometimes, common interest isn’t enough. What makes a good relationship is often ineffable!)

But again, just like dating, putting yourself out there can be incredibly rewarding. At the beginning of the pandemic, there was a woman that I kind of joked around with at aerial class. Well, as the pandemic wore on, many of my previous friends chose to continue to social distance from me (which, again, is their prerogative and choice! We all have different needs and contexts.) However, as I noted earlier, social distancing from friends was NOT sustainable for ME, and I needed more time with friends than what I had been receiving. It finally hit me that, well, I needed to find some new friends and to expand my social circle yet again because of the chasm the pandemic had created with some previous connections. So, I took the initiative to ask this woman to hang out, and we’ve been good friends ever since. We’ve done a tube float, pumpkin patch, Mario Kart, sledding, etc. since then. Actually, I’m referring to the friend in the third item numbered above, Aundrea- the one that put up with my tanked ass a couple of weeks ago. So, ya know. Friendship is so much like dating- you have to put yourself out there, and you have to understand that you will be rejected, and you will have poor matches. And that is “normal,” and “okay.” Just keep trying.

Friendship is like any other relationship- incredibly rewarding, and yet, it obviously requires work, and it does include its own set of challenges. You still have to set boundaries, clarify expectations, maintain humility, be open to both asking and receiving forgiveness, and discover compromise. I do have a lot of wonderful friends, but let me be clear, I've also effed up in my friendships, fallen short, and have had other people do the same to me. It's a part of being human.

But, as I hope this blog post made abundantly clear, all of those dynamics (that are present in all other relationships, nonetheless!) still make friendship incredibly WORTH it. It’s a gift and type of love that is incredibly unique, and as I maintained throughout this post, necessary for human thriving.

So, no matter how old you are or what phase of life you are experiencing, make sure you make time for finding and maintaining friendships. You need it, and they are more than worth it.

To all of my friends- those specifically listed in this blog and those not- I love you!!