A Love Letter to My Friends and to Friendship

I’ve wanted to write this blog post for a long time, but I’ve questioned what angle to use, and I’ve also struggled with finding the precise words to convey my sentiments. I’ve finally settled on primarily focusing on anecdotal experience per usual, for I do believe that praxis is the most useful way to demonstrate theory.

This blog post is a love letter to my friends, as well as to the concept of friendship in particular. One of the greatest thinkers in western civilization, Aristotle, wrote prolifically about friendships and the value they contribute to human life. For those of you who are not familiar with ancient philosophy, Aristotle lived in the 300’s BCE, so he was writing about the significance of this human relationship category already thousands of years ago. It has always been an integral relational dynamic.

To flourish as a human being, you need friends. Yes, I am going to make a universal
statement, and I am going to stand by it. In a culture that focuses on individualism and differences, some may consider such a broad proclamation brash or oppressive. And yet, there are some universal statements that do apply to all of humanity. For example, we all need water to live and oxygen to breathe. I’m not going to say how many friends one needs or anything as prescriptive as that, but I am convinced that human beings need friendship in order to thrive.

I am at a place in my life where I can’t tell you how much I value my friends. Let me give some recent examples:

1)    I was freaking out about something yesterday, and my friend Krystal popped into a private conference room at work to chat with me on the phone for 20 minutes to help calm me down. She interrupted her work day while at the office because I needed her. I’m so thankful that she recognized that I was spiraling, and she was willing to drop everything for me.

2)    My friend, Amy, turned 40 this past February. Consequently, our mutual friend, Ellyse, organized this incredibly thoughtful trip to Omaha where we honored her and made her feel special. Our third friend in the group, Lynsey, rented a freakin’ IGLOO for us to hang out in that weekend! We also dressed up in costume themes each day. I can’t tell you how privileged I am to belong to a friend group that is not only incredibly considerate of one another, but they also are confident and fun enough that they love dressing in costumes regularly.

3)    My anxiety has been a bit high lately, and like any responsible adult that teaches healthy coping skills in her professional life, I’ve handled it by drinking alcohol. A couple of weeks ago, I got freakin’ hammered at a Mexican restaurant. We’re talking stumbling, lacking-a-filter level drunk. My friend, Aundrea, stayed sober, and she put up with my annoying self. She took me to her house, and we played Mario Kart so I could sober up before I drove home.

4)  My friend, Kati, regularly makes extra food for dinner and will text me to come over and grab a plate. Sometimes I will stay and chat for awhile, and other times, I'll catch up briefly and then go home. It feels so warm and hospitable to receive the gift of food from someone and to know that they are thoughtful enough to share it with you.

5)    I did a “Clued Up” event with some gym friends this past Saturday. Some of the women that participated I am super close with, and others, I am at a more acquaintance level. And still- the older I get- the more I am CONVINCED that this “third level” or “acquaintance level” friendship is actually one of the most valuable and integral circles we need in our life (and it’s precisely what has been missing in the pandemic for many people…and it’s a gigantic separate-but-related diatribe I would LOVE to go on.) It was so fun to dress up with acquaintances and to do an event with them. Additionally, we had time after the event to grab drinks and get to know each other better, as well as to create some movement beyond acquaintance level. It was a delightful day.

I am so grateful to have this level of friendship in my life. These people (and some others not mentioned) are a layer of “family” in my life, and to be perfectly candid and controversial, I’m happy and confident in my decision to not social distance with them throughout the duration of the pandemic. I don’t think that I- or what makes me special as “Anne”- would have survived if I had social distanced from them. To anyone listed above, I love and adore you.

I implore people to find, cultivate, and nourish their friendships. We can’t survive this life – at least not very well- without them. I’ve written before about the danger of prioritizing the nuclear family HERE, and I want to reiterate that love should not be a hierarchy. The love we have for spouses, children, parents, siblings, friends- it’s all still LOVE- and all of the forms are special and powerful in their own unique way. For those that are married and/or have children as a part of the “traditional” nuclear family, I want to validate that this IS indeed a special kind of love, but that it is not necessarily a higher form. Isn’t that what makes love so powerful, anyhow? That it can exist in so many different ways and between so many different people? Difference does not indicate better or worse; rather, difference implies uniqueness, particularity, and exceptionalism. We NEED diverse forms of love so that we express different parts of our identity, and so that we are well-rounded in who supports us.

And- to be perfectly blunt- not only do we need friends for the aforementioned reasons, but also, the esteemed nuclear family is not always possible or sustainable. I had dinner with a friend this week, and he was telling me how he had always dreamed of marrying a college sweetheart. So, when he started dating someone his freshman year of college, he put the majority of his energy into that relationship. He couldn’t believe how lucky he was to have achieved this dream that he never bothered to make many friends during college OR seminary. And yet, despite his efforts, they ended up going through a divorce after 13 years of a fairly happy marriage. Life is complicated, and sometimes, love just isn’t enough. So, not only did he lose the very thing he sought to keep, but he had to endure it without the support of friends.  He missed out on the multiple benefits of friendship when he was with his wife, AND he missed out on friendship as he grieved this significant loss.

Here’s also what I’ll tell you from my experience of listening to people’s stories for a living: Life is hard. Life can be real fucking hard. It can also certainly be joyous, exhilarating, and peaceful. But, no one makes it out of this life without some real effin’ battle scars. If you haven’t experienced it already, some day, you will have an experience in life that brings you to your knees, and you will question everything you have previously thought about the structure of the universe. And you’ll be begging for something- anything- to hold on to for security and hope. Right now, I have 3 additional friends (on top of the one I just mentioned) who are going through the divorce process. I know a friend who is 35 years old who has been given a terminal diagnosis for breast cancer. I know a friend whose mother just died. I know a friend who is coming to terms with the news that she will never bear children. I know a friend who has been unemployed for over a year and was also rejected from further education opportunities. 

We absolutely need friends to survive the shit that life throws at us. I mean, we also need them for the peaceful and joyous times as well for they are a continual boost to our happiness, meaning, and expression- but my God, again, we really need them in the dark times. And for those of you that value empiricism, research continually demonstrates that support is the number one predictor of someone finding hope and meaning after experiencing distress.

People often joke about how difficult it is to find friends as you grow older in life. There’s this meme going around Christian circles about the “miracle” of Jesus having 12 close friends in his thirties. I understand this to some degree- it’s not like college where you are surrounded by people your age and you don’t have to worry about the responsibilities of adulthood- but, to be honest, I find this meme, well, sort of offensive. It IS possible to have good friends in your 30’s, and actually, the majority of my current close friends are people that I’ve met in the last 5 years or so.

I’m not saying it’s easy. Having friends takes significant time, energy, and intentionality in a world that already demands much of us. I often teach my bereaved clients about how to cultivate friendships, and I always compare it to dating. Because, other than the physical component, finding friends- and keeping them- IS similar to dating. And it means that you have to PUT YOURSELF OUT THERE, it means that you WILL be rejected, and it means you HAVE to nurture the relationship if you want it to endure. I can give you several examples of negative “friendship dating” stories that I’ve experienced. There was the time that I invited a gym acquaintance to a tumbling show, and she responded with, “Hmmm. Maybe!” and never followed up later. (Slightly passive aggressive rejection.) I have another friend that I hung out with a couple of times, and I thought that we would be close because we have a lot of common interests in sports. However, her incredibly abrasive and Type ‘A’ personality was NOT a good fit for me, and the friendship has since fizzled out. (Sometimes, common interest isn’t enough. What makes a good relationship is often ineffable!)

But again, just like dating, putting yourself out there can be incredibly rewarding. At the beginning of the pandemic, there was a woman that I kind of joked around with at aerial class. Well, as the pandemic wore on, many of my previous friends chose to continue to social distance from me (which, again, is their prerogative and choice! We all have different needs and contexts.) However, as I noted earlier, social distancing from friends was NOT sustainable for ME, and I needed more time with friends than what I had been receiving. It finally hit me that, well, I needed to find some new friends and to expand my social circle yet again because of the chasm the pandemic had created with some previous connections. So, I took the initiative to ask this woman to hang out, and we’ve been good friends ever since. We’ve done a tube float, pumpkin patch, Mario Kart, sledding, etc. since then. Actually, I’m referring to the friend in the third item numbered above, Aundrea- the one that put up with my tanked ass a couple of weeks ago. So, ya know. Friendship is so much like dating- you have to put yourself out there, and you have to understand that you will be rejected, and you will have poor matches. And that is “normal,” and “okay.” Just keep trying.

Friendship is like any other relationship- incredibly rewarding, and yet, it obviously requires work, and it does include its own set of challenges. You still have to set boundaries, clarify expectations, maintain humility, be open to both asking and receiving forgiveness, and discover compromise. I do have a lot of wonderful friends, but let me be clear, I've also effed up in my friendships, fallen short, and have had other people do the same to me. It's a part of being human.

But, as I hope this blog post made abundantly clear, all of those dynamics (that are present in all other relationships, nonetheless!) still make friendship incredibly WORTH it. It’s a gift and type of love that is incredibly unique, and as I maintained throughout this post, necessary for human thriving.

So, no matter how old you are or what phase of life you are experiencing, make sure you make time for finding and maintaining friendships. You need it, and they are more than worth it.

To all of my friends- those specifically listed in this blog and those not- I love you!!