The Darkness

Recently, I suffered a loss.  The particulars, the details - they are of no import.  A loss is a loss, no matter the circumstances.  I will just say that my perception of something was very different than reality.  Due to the fact I chose to overlook what were probably obvious signs that my beliefs and hopes about what was were very far from the truth, what was likely right in front of my face but I refused to acknowledge, the loss was unexpected and unanticipated. Anticipated loss is one thing; unanticipated loss is quite another animal all together.  Although I thought I was done with him, Darkness came to visit me after this situation occurred. Well shit.  I really thought I had moved past Darkness and yet, here he was again, in full regalia.  This was a double gut punch – to not only suffer a loss, but to also discover that I had not rid myself of Darkness after all the work I had done on myself over the past year.  

For whatever reason, this bout of Darkness was overwhelming.  Perhaps it is because I truly allowed myself to feel the Darkness as I lacked the desire and energy to fight with him once again.  Perhaps it was because I was confused by my circumstances-there was only one way they made sense and I was refusing to, once again, accept the truth.  I’d like to think, however, that the reason this bout of Darkness was so crippling was because, deep down, I knew the only way around this suffering was to go through it or that there was more going on than I could comprehend.  Whatever the reason, Darkness took me to some very black places I had not visited in quite some time.  It’s hard for me to have the courage to share this, but I wrote about the Darkness, mostly to try to get Darkness out of my mind.  I understand this is dark and intense – I don’t have a muse when I am happy.  But I am sharing it because I do want to be open about how much I had let Darkness in. I warn you, you won’t feel happy after reading this.  You may even question if I am okay.  I will tell you, I am, indeed, okay.  Please understand this poem captures a moment in time – a moment that I truly and deeply felt, but it does not represent the end of this story. 

   

The Glass House – By Jill Alesch

Pieces of glass scattered all around, 

What once was a house has now been torn down.

A future, a dream, the hope that once shone,

Shuttered and shattered, I am all alone.  

 

The shards are many, the destruction is so intense,

Nothing can be mended, the trauma is too dense.

People say I’m strong, that I will rebuild again, 

They don’t know I’m too tired, the lights have all been dimmed.

 

Even if I did the house would still be made of glass,

Pretty on the outside, but never made to last.

My old friend Darkness arises from the pile, 

Looks at me and smiles, it has been a short while.

 

Yet he and I both know is he is never far away, 

He is always close, I can’t keep him at bay.

He reminds me that when I’m happy, he is always near,

Then invites me to his table and says, “Drink up, my dear.”

 

We have a nice chat, Darkness and I, 

I accept that I’m broken, it’s pointless to try.

There is no one who loves me like Darkness can, 

I acknowledge my fate, it’s who I am.  

 

Marred and battered to a point beyond grace,

When it comes to love, I deserve but a taste.

Like an intimate lover, Darkness wraps his arms around me, I give him my heart and throw away the key.  

 

I don’t know how it came to be or why,

But in the end, it is always just Darkness and I.  

I read and re-read this poem.  I kept reading it until one day, it didn’t make me cry.  And it was then, when it no longer hurt to read the words I had written, that I began to realize I was feeding the Darkness with some of my thoughts about and resentments over the situation.   Darkness wasn’t holding me, I was holding Darkness.  By doing this, I was only extending my suffering and grief.  By doing this, I had invited Darkness to stay because I was refusing to look at the underlying reason for Darkness’s visit.  I was so focused on how I had been wronged, or what I could have done differently, or why did this have to happen to me, or how could I have been so stupid as to not see what was really going on that I was completely ignoring the real reason Darkness had come to pay me a visit. And so he was going to stay until I was open to understanding why he had come with such force. 

   

Interestingly enough, it seems God and the Universe always give us what we need when we are ready to receive it.  Someone at work asked me how I was doing, and my eyes welled up with tears and spilled out onto my cheeks.  Although I was embarrassed by an extreme reaction to a rather simple question, especially while at work, this person who I don’t know very well at all, said to me something I will never forget.  “Jill, I don’t know what is going on, but you have to think of yourself like a tree.  If the roots are good, you can always cut and prune the branches and they grow back.  Sometimes branches are broken by things out of our control, but they always grow back if you mind the roots.  And, if they don’t grow back, it is for a reason, but the tree can still be beautiful.”   I thought about these words for a few days.  I knew my roots were good, so the branch that had been broken would either grow back or it wouldn’t, but one dead branch wouldn’t kill my tree or make it less beautiful.  It was then that I began to wonder if, perhaps, I had been looking at Darkness all wrong.  I began to consider the possibility that maybe Darkness had come because I needed to cut down some branches.  Perhaps Darkness would stay until I fully learned what he had come to reveal to me.  Maybe, just maybe, Darkness was not my enemy at all.  Maybe Darkness did love me like no one else could, but in a way I had not considered before.    

As I pondered this possibility, I began to look deeper into what Darkness may have wanted me to learn.  I concluded that Darkness was telling me it was time to trim my tree, cut down some branches and prune some others.  And then I saw this quote randomly on Instagram, “You will suffer until you become the best version of yourself,” and I knew I was on the right track.  It hasn’t been easy – this personal inventory of sorts.  I had to quit a part-time job I enjoyed and let people down when I did, but God and the Universe had given me several signs it was time to go, and I had not listened before now.  I stopped drinking as well, which was also not easy, but Darkness wanted me to trim down these branches with a clear mind so I didn’t cut off or trim the wrong branches-some of them – like my kids and extended family-are good and need to grow and flourish.  I recommitted myself to my own physical health.  I re-joined an organization and a way of life I left three years ago.  Darkness dissipated with each step I took in the right direction, and yet he was still lingering.  Darkness didn’t leave me until the day I decided to commit the next six months of my life to pruning my tree, taking it down to the damn roots if I needed to.  I had finally learned what Darkness was trying to tell me – that I needed to focus on me without any extraneous distractions.  Darkness and I agreed to revisit this item after six months minimum, but he also told me to be prepared for it to take longer.  Regardless of the time frame, I needed to take this time to tend to my tree and grow as a person.  Yes, I had done some of that over the last year, but Darkness has now told me I am not anywhere close to being finished.  Maybe, just maybe if I listen to Darkness, I won’t end up building another Glass House.  Perhaps, Darkness, as much as I hate the way I feel when he is near, is actually my best friend and mentor. 

I am hopeful Darkness will leave me alone while I am focusing only on myself and my kids.  I do know that eventually he will pay me another visit.  However, when he does, I am simply going to invite him in as a friend and ask him what he wants me to learn.   I am not going to argue with him or try to convince him I have been wronged.  I am not going to resist his cold embrace, but I am also not going to sit at his table for three weeks in self-pity.  When I sit at Darkness’s table, he will allow me to stay if I sit there.  I don’t think, as I once did, that Darkness invites me to his table – I think I invite myself.  I also no longer think Darkness actually wants me to sit at his table, but as long as I keep serving food and drink, he will permit the indulgence--not out of cruelty, as I once thought, but maybe out of the hardest kind of tough love. 

This morning, as I sat outside and enjoyed my morning coffee in solace, reflecting on my branches, I happened to notice a particular tree outside my backyard.  It was small-probably not even noticeable because it was surrounded by other beautiful flowering trees.  But this tree I had focused on, small as it may be, had lush pink flowers whereas the trees it stood amongst were all adorned with white flowers.  I reflected that right now, my tree looks injured and awkward.  Some of the branches are severed, some are cracked, and some need some pruning.  There are but a few flowers.  Yet, I know it won’t always be that way because of the lesson Darkness taught me.  Now, when I picture what my tree will look like six months or a year from now, I picture that small pink tree outside my backyard.  It may be small and still growing, but it is strong, beautiful, unique, well pruned, surrounded by other beautiful trees and not afraid to just be the tree that God and the Universe intended it to be. 

Side note:  I used to refer to myself as an asshole at least once in every blog-I thought it was funny, to be honest.  This is the first blog where I didn’t call myself an asshole.  When I call myself an asshole, I am sitting at Darkness’s table because I am actually not an asshole.  I am a deeply sensitive and loving person who has been hurt, so sometimes I hide behind a tough exterior but that does not make me an asshole.  I will no longer be using that term to refer to myself in these blogs.  This is also a branch I needed to cut down and I am not sure what will grow in its place, but perhaps it will be something kinder, gentler and more reflective of who I am as a human being.    

Second side note:  When I say cutting off branches, I do not mean I am going to cut people off (unless they are harming me in some way) or ghost them.  To date, I have only cut two people out of my life entirely and when I did, I didn’t ghost them because I think that is particularly cruel.  Rather, I told each of these people what I was doing and why.  For the most part, I won’t block people who have come into my life in some capacity because no matter what someone has done or what our history may be, I’d like to think I will always be there as a friend or someone that can be counted on when a person is need.  That is the kind of person I am and always want to be.  It is my greatest attribute and, maybe, also my worst, but it is how I would want to be treated-as a human being who deserves dignity and respect-not a commodity that can be easily discarded.