Be Kind

Someday I am going to write a book about all the lessons I have learned through my children and how they can be applied to “grownup” problems. Until then, you will have to continue reading my blogs.

About 6 weeks ago, Adeline was riding with LJ in their battery-powered John Deere tractor. For almost every day during quarantine, they have tooled around in it together with LJ always driving and Adeline putting her feet up and enjoying the ride. They have utilized it so much that the plastic tires are bare. On this particular day, LJ stopped in the middle of our cul-de-sac and Adeline went spilling out the side. I heard LJ proclaim “Zsa Zsa!”, his nickname for her, and then Adeline got up and came running to me with blood streaming from her mouth. She hardly ever cries but she cried for almost an hour straight after the incident. She would not close her mouth and I was worried that one of her front teeth knocked loose. Thank goodness, her mouth healed quickly and there was no damage to her teeth.

 

For the next week or so I found myself following her around the house saying “be careful!” or “slow down!” or “don’t jump” or “don’t run!” or some other phrase because I was anxious she was going to bump her mouth again and either aggravate her wounds or knock her tooth loose for real. The night OF the incident, she and LJ were running around the house doing a gymnastics routine which consisted of flipping on a bar, running a lap, and then doing a forward roll. My anxiety was through the roof. “Adeline, slow down!” “Adeline, be careful!”

About a week after that, Grandma and Grandpa announced that they had gotten Adeline her own battery-powered Jeep for Christmas. She has talked about having a jeep for over a year, points out every Jeep on our drives and runs, and yet I seriously considered telling them not to give it to her because of her run-in with the pavement weeks before.

At some point, I realized how ridiculous I was being. I cannot run around trying to keep my kids from injuring themselves. Sure, I could have eliminated all battery-powered toys from our outside toy arsenal and put a ban on all gymnastics routines inside of our house but then what message would I be sending? To tell a toddler not to run or jump is like telling them not to be a kid. They NEED this for physical development and for body/spatial awareness.

I thought back to some of the best advice I had received as a parent. It is less helpful to tell your child “Be careful!” which may be well intentioned but sends a vague message to your child that everything around them could be dangerous and is just generally uninspiring. For example, if a child is navigating over uneven terrain while on a walk in the woods, simply telling her to “be careful” may send the message that everything on this walk in the woods is scary and dangerous. On the other hand, if you say something more specific like, “Do you see those rocks right there? They could be slippery,” or “Do you see how some tree roots are sticking out? Keep your eye on them.” This is more inspiring because it conveys the message that you are confident in your child to know risks and to take them AND it lets them know that they do have some control over what could be dangerous.

So, how does this relate to my idea of writing a book about how lessons learned through my children can be applied to grownup problems? Well, a phrase has snuck into our vocabulary during this pandemic that really bothers me. People depart in person saying it, they sign their emails with it, and they end meetings with it. The phrase is, “BE SAFE” and I cannot stand it. This is the adult version of shouting to our children, “Be careful!” It is a well-intentioned phrase with potentially negative effects. This is not a post to debate the pandemic. I do believe and follow guidance that we should be wearing masks, distancing, and taking other measures to mitigate the effects of COVID-19. However, we already live in a society where anxiety is the most commonly diagnosed mental health disorder. Telling people to “Be safe.” sends the message the world is nothing but a scary place. What does “be safe” even mean? If everyone took the phrase “be safe” to heart, we would never do anything. Life is full of risks. Falling in love is a risk, having a child is a risk, starting a business is a risk, speaking up in a meeting is a risk, investing in the stock market is a risk, etc etc etc. Yes, I do believe in the intention of the phrase “be safe” but I would suggest we start using something else that sends less of a vague and uninspiring message. 

What if we said, “Be kind.” instead? What if we said, “Becompassionate.” instead? Be kind/compassionate to others and their decisions around the pandemic, be kind/compassionate to others who may have fared differently in their physical and mental health over the last 10 months, be kind/compassionate as we head into more unknowns for the next six months. Be kind to the old man who has decided to go back to the YMCA to exercise in order to improve his failing mental health. Be compassionate to the woman who has an autoimmune disease and has requested to work from home until there is a vaccine. Yes, you could argue the phrase “be kind” or “be compassionate” is vague as well, but in general, it sends a positive message and if we have people being “generally kind or compassionate”, that is still probably a good thing!

I am not sure if we should choose this phrase over the phrase “Be safe.” I am open to suggestions!  Maybe I need to just accept that the phrase annoys me and move on. If you think I am a whacko and think using “Be safe” is the way to go, I’d love to hear that opinion, too! 

Until I hear from you, be kind and compassionate, friends. And let your children have battery-powered toys and do gymnastics routines. LOVE!