Random Pandemic Thoughts

Hello, Everyone- It’s my first post since we restarted the Blog and instead of being excited, I feel like crying. I just do not feel like I have anything profound to say these days. I think part of my sadness stems from the fact that just a few months ago last December, I was hundo P excited to slough off the carnage of what was the year of 2019.  Sadly enough, this was the second year in a row where I looked back on the year and thought to myself, “Good riddance-don’t let the door hit you on the way out.” But after paying for all my bad Karma over two straight years, I was hopeful. I HAD to have paid my debts to mankind, I thought. So ultimately I believed  2020 was going to be an epic year - I was going to be living my best life. All of a sudden it’s almost May and I find myself feeling like I am further from living my best life than ever before. I can’t blame it all on the pandemic, but it did not help that my new favorite past time involves fast food and take out or that my kids are so needy I can’t seem to get farther than one block of a run in before they call me demanding my return.

But, I think what has really got me in a funk, is that I am exhausted from hearing all of the arguments for and against the shelter in place orders.  Listen, I am not an infectious disease expert. I am not a medical doctor either. I’m an attorney-a profession even my own father has made known he despises. So I have no authority in this arena admittedly. I can’t say that I understand COVID-19 from a biological perspective. But I’ve done my research and what I do understand, however, is numbers. 

Let’s start with the last pandemic-The swine flu also known as H1N1. I remember this time as it happened in 2009. I remember people wearing masks for a time, mostly in airports. I do remember hearing it on the news. But nothing like we are experiencing right now.  There are a couple of distinctions between the two viruses. H1N1 resulted in 12,469 deaths in the United States from April 2009 to April 2010. That stat is taken directly from the CDC website here: https://www.cdc.gov/flu/pandemic-resources/2009-h1n1-pandemic.html. The primary differences between COVID-19 and H1N1 were the death rate (COVID-19 had a higher estimated death rate) and it appeared that older people had some herd immunity built up since H1N1 was more deadly to young adults and children. Symptoms appeared in 1-4 days so the number of potential exposure before symptoms appeared was minimal. Similarly, the regular seasonal  flu is estimated to have killed 24,000 to 62,000 people in the United States during the 2019 -2020 flu season. Note the flu season spans 6 months from October 2019 to April 2020. This information also comes from the CDC. https://www.cdc.gov/flu/about/burden/preliminary-in-season-estimates.htm.  Again, the death rate for COVID-19 was estimated to be higher and medical researchers understand the flu and have a vaccine for the most common strains. Contrast this with COVID-19. The reason it is sometimes referred as being “novel,” is because no one had herd immunity to the virus as it was a virus that had not been seen before in the world. Stated differently, humans had no pre-existing defenses to the virus. In addition, people could not have symptoms for up to two weeks, thereby exposing three times the people to the virus as H1N1 before a carrier realized the need to self-quarantine. From the first identified case in the US through April 25, 2020, the CDC has reported 52,459 deaths caused by COVID-19. https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/cases-updates/cases-in-us.html. The numbers from the CDC indicate it took H1N1 one year to kill 12,500 people in the US. It takes the regular flu six months to kill between 24,000 to 62,000 people in the US. COVID-19 has killed 52,459 people in two months. Those are the numbers that are reported.

As the COVID-19 deaths mount, people have begun to question these numbers. I don’t mind questioning things but I think it is important to understand what is implied when these stats are called into question. The primary theory I have heard postulated is the numbers are inflated. For this to be true, it would mean that (1) the CDC is manufacturing data; (2) doctors are misclassifying deaths or (3) the CDC provides guidance that errs on the side of over classifying the cause of death as being due to COVID-19. I have no way of disproving (1). I can say I have never heard people in the past accusing the CDC in this fashion. However, people will point out that it is an election year so perhaps the CDC is politically motivated. The problem with that is that the head of the CDC is appointed by the President. Yes, in March of 2018, President Trump appointed Dr. Robert Redfield as director of the CDC. I’m not sure why Dr. Redfield would bite the hand that feeds him but it is possible. However, if he was doing something President Trump disagreed with, I have no doubt the President would ask for his resignation. Without offering my opinion, I simply have no evidence to support that (1) is actually occurring.

With respect to (2)-that doctors are missclassifying deaths- for this theory to be true, it means that we should have been routinely questioning doctors’ opinions because they are either untrustworthy by choosing to promote a political agenda over the Hippocratic oath, or they are simply unintelligent. On two different occasions in my life, I can say I have strongly questioned a doctor’s determination about cause of death. Therefore, I think I have some credibility in questioning their abilities now because it is not the first time I have done so. But I truly do not think most people have ever thought twice about a doctor’s opinion regarding the cause of death and may not have ever seen a death certificate. Even so, I think people should know that they are implying an ethics violation or ignorance of medical professionals when this argument is raised. I don’t have a problem with this, I just want people to be clear about the implications and be comfortable with them if they are going to make this suggestion. I personally realize that the guy or gal who graduated last in their medical school program is still called Doctor. Point being, in general, I do not think Doctors are infallible by any means.  However, it does seem slightly illogical for physicians to inflate death counts. Hospitals are actually losing money because they cannot see patients or conduct elective surgeries. Physicians have been laid off. Why? Because a podiatrist cannot treat a COVID patient. His malpractice insurance likely would not cover activities out of his specialized area. Yes, as my dad pointed out, a podiatrist still went to medical school. However, that podiatrist may not have ever taken more than one class on infectious diseases and would not and should not treat a patient with severe respiratory failure. Without elective surgeries, that podiatrist may not currently be needed. And given the money hospitals are hemorrhaging, it makes sense that a hospital would not want to pay $600K/year to a doctor that has no patients to see at the moment. So while I think doctors can and do make many mistakes, I’m not sure I see an upside to their profession and employers by extending the pandemic unnecessarily.

Finally, that brings us to (3)-that the CDC guidance errs in over counting COVID-19 deaths. The CDC guidance is available for everyone to read here: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/nvss/vsrg/vsrg03-508.pdf. In short, it is true that the guidance may tend to err on classifying a cause of death as being due to COVID-19 because it provides that if the certifier suspects COVID-19 or determines it was likely, they can report COVID-19 as “probable” or “presumed” in the death certificate.  However, it is important to understand that “probable” and “presumed” have a specific meaning wherein the circumstances must be compelling within a reasonable degree of certainty. There also needs to be a basic understanding of certain terms on a death certificate. Part I is where the doctor lists the Underlying Cause of Death (UCOD). Part II is where the doctor lists other underlying conditions that contributed to the death. According to the CDC guidance, medical examiners should list COVID-19 as the UCOD in instances wherein victims have had other conditions (hypertension or COPD, for example) which make them more susceptible to COVID-19 complications. This guidance appears to be fueling the concern that COVID-19 deaths are being inflated. The question, however, is NOT what guidance has the CDC provided because that is available for everyone to read. The real question is whether the CDC guidance departs from typical guidance on determining the UCOD-that would be what some might call evidence of a political motivation. Here is where having questioned a death certificate comes in handy.  As an asshole who has done that before (yes, I still plan to call myself an asshole in every blog I write as I used to do) I am familiar with the Physicians’ Handbook on Medical Certification of Death. You can access it here: https://www.cdc.gov/nchs/data/misc/hb_cod.pdf. I refer to pages 9-10 which discusses UCOD. It is defined as “the disease or injury that initiated the train of morbid events leading directly to death or the circumstances of the accident or violence that produced the fatal injury. On page 12 it also provides, “The cause-of-death information should be the physician’s best medical opinion. Report each disease, abnormality, injury, or poisoning that the physician believes adversely affected the decedent. A condition can be listed as ‘probable’ it is has not been definitively diagnosed.” The CDC’s guidance on COVID-19 does not appear to differ from standard published guidance. So going back to (3), if we have heartburn with this, the heartburn should extend beyond COVID-19. I am not saying the guidance should not be refined or injecting my opinion on this topic in general. However, my research does show the guidance from the CDC to be relatively consistent. Is it overclassifying the death count? I’ll leave that up to you to decide but if so, then the CDC is overestimating many other UCODs for different illnesses as well. Part of the reason for the inclination to over classify as opposed to under classify is because the numbers drive research money and from a public safety standpoint it is better to over estimate a threat than under estimate it. Again, I’m not saying this is right or wrong. You can decide that in your own. 

I have stated all of this research in a very pragmatic tone, with only calling myself a name during the process. However, in Facebook or even the news, I have seen people get ugly over their opinions. This is what has contributed to my sense of despair. People are repeating half-information in both sides based on the media’s spin of the situation. We are being ugly without realizing what we are truly implying and without even asking the right questions. I’m sad by how polarizing a deadly situation has become. We can disagree about how deadly-but people have died and will continue to die for some time-and I don’t think that is really debatable. The scope and magnitude, absolutely, but not the mere existence of the virus. Why have we not allowed this to bring us closer together? Or to have productive discussions regarding what might need to change in order to better capture numbers and causes of death? People can have opinions-however, I have seen some downright nasty exchanges simply because we don’t do our own research and instead, let the media manipulate us and play on our emotions. Don’t be a pawn of whatever media organization you support. To quote from the X-Files, the truth is out there. Go find it-we should all have the time since there is nothing else to do! Hope you enjoyed my return to the blog. I’ll try to not be so serious next time! Until then, Cheers!

Poopy Diapers and Silver Linings

We are on Day 37, THIRTY SEVEN, of being socially isolated. For the first couple of weeks with our daycare closed, it was just me working at home with the kids. Working at home for me was not your typical job – it involved standing up an Army National Guard Battalion for an activation. This was anything but easy. I would physically go in on the weekends and as much as I could while my mother-in-law could help with the kids. But the rest of the time involved me juggling conference calls with screaming kids, responding to emails and monitoring the situation with a kid or two on my lap, and texting furiously while putting the kids down for a nap or while getting them the exact right spoon, cup, and food item for a meal.

On one particular day, I had a conference call at 1pm, which I did while nursing Adeline and putting her down for her nap. Immediately after, I put LJ down and thought I would have a couple of hours in silence to catch up on emails before my next conference call at 3pm. Of course, that was wishful thinking. At around 2pm, I heard a loud bang and I thought that either Adeline had fallen out of her crib or that LJ had knocked over a book case or something in his room (he no longer naps but does quiet time and plays alone in his room). I raced upstairs into LJ’s room first to find that he was okay although he also said, “What was THAT NOISE?” I did not even answer him because I was still worried that Adeline had fallen out of her crib so I started down the hallway. Before I reached Adeline, I heard LJ yell, “Oh, Mama, it was a big truck!” I looked out the window and noticed a dump truck in the neighbors’ driveway that had dropped off dirt. The noise had been the tail gate slamming.

I was thankful that neither kid was hurt but also annoyed that I did not get time to work undisturbed that afternoon. After all the rushing around, I returned to all five of my senses and noticed it was actually quite putrid smelling. Although LJ has been potty trained since he was two, he had crapped in his pants. When I asked him why, he said it was because I didn’t come when he called me. Since he is now almost 4, I haven’t changed a poopy pants on him in forever and knew that I would just have to throw him into the tub. However, first, I had to attend to Adeline who was now in hysterics. Upon entering into her room, it was also rancid. She had also crapped while napping, though it was less disturbing because she is not yet potty trained. Knowing I had the other conference call at 3pm, I had to rush both of their smeared, poopy pants off and throw them into the tub. I finished cleaning them up on time and took my conference call with water from the tub still splashed all over me and two kids (at least they were clean) trying to type on my keyboard and take my ID card out of my computer. I simultaneously chuckled and cried inside thinking of how the other individuals that were also on both of the conference calls that day probably checked emails or developed PowerPoints in between. I was 99.9% sure that I was the only person that had to change two poopy diapers and throw two kids into the tub in a scramble in between those calls.

All this to say, this pandemic has not been easy for anyone. And yes, I fully realize that I am still very blessed and privileged and that people have it much more difficult than us right now.  Further, in my limited time, I am also reflecting and realizing that there are a lot of silver linings for us each and every day during this chaos. I have been keeping a mental note of all the small little things for which I am thankful that I have noticed my kids doing or that we have been able to do with them during this time. A couple of them are:

*Baking cookies and making way more crafts than I would have with the kids

*Seeing who can hear the owl first on our almost daily walks

*Walking by the neighbors’ daffodils and noticing how many are coming up. Talking about the difference between the daffodils and dandelions (which LJ sometimes calls buffalos and makes me laugh)

*Using the running stroller with the kids more regularly and while on a recent run when I was going up a hill, having LJ tell me, “Mama, you just have to keep trying.” This was in response to me telling him I was tired from the big hill. He then said, “Like when I am on my bike and I have to keep trying.”

*Witnessing LJ telling Adeline during a tantrum, “I know, it’s frustrating.” This one especially makes me proud because I am trying to raise them to acknowledge and express feelings.

*Talking at dinner each night asking everyone how their day was, what their favorite part was, and if there were any bad/sad parts. Last night LJ’s “bad” part of the day was that there was no snow. I think we are doing alright.

This is by no means to make us seem like a perfect family. I have had at least two breakdowns resulting in me crying in front of the kids, we have both yelled at them way more than we have before, Larry and I have argued more with each other, our house is a disaster, the laundry is piled up, and a couple of nights we have had sugary cereal for dinner. Larry and I are both anxious and although we both agree that we just want the kids to feel safe, I have worried if we are doing the “right” things with them during this time. I’ve questioned if we have let LJ watch too many movies and if I should be doing more “educational” things with him. However, today someone shared what follows after this paragraph below on social media and I felt relieved, hopeful, and happy. I hope reading my personal anecdote shared above may be something our readers can connect with and I hope reading what follows below may be a potential reframe for others. Keep believing that everyone is trying their best during this time and when you don’t know what to do, just do the next right thing whether that is changing a poopy diaper, throwing a kid in a tub, or making your next conference call. Love to all.


A Superintendent in Illinois shared the following:


“BUT WHAT IF…


What if instead of falling “behind”, this group of kids are ADVANCED because of this? Hear me out.

What if they have more empathy, they enjoy family connection, they can be more creative and entertain themselves, they love to read, they love to express themselves in writing?

What if they enjoy the simple things, like their own backyard and sitting near a window in the quiet?

What if they notice the birds and the dates the different flowers emerge, and the calming renewal of a gentle rain shower?

What if this generation are the ones to learn to cook, organize their space, do their laundry, and keep a well run home?

What if they learn to stretch a dollar and to live with less?

What if they learn to plan shopping trips and meals at home?

What if they learn the value of eating together as a family and finding the good to share in the delights of the everyday?

What if they learn to place great value on our teachers and educational professionals, librarians, public servants and the previously invisible essential support workers like truck drivers, grocers, cashiers, custodians, logistics, and health care workers and their supporting staff, just to name a few of the millions taking care of us right now while we are sheltered in place?

What if among these children, a great leader emerges who had the benefit of a slower pace and a simpler life to truly learn what matters in this life?

What if they are AHEAD?”

Good Grief! (And this Pandemic)

Hi Everyone. Dissident Daughter Anne here. I've worked in the grief field for over 6 years now; I'm a full-time bereavement counselor for UnityPoint Hospcie in Des Moines. 

Grief has been the entirety of my professional life; and now, I am inundated by grief as the entire world grieves the death, changes, and anxiety from COVID-19. I have to say that it is....familiar, intense, fascinating, and sorrowful to witness the world experience on a global level the phenomenon to which I have dedicated my life. I've noticed the usual signs in myself and others- the forgetfulness, apathy, appetite changes, temperament changes, etc. Our world is grieving, and slowly, we are naming and recognizing that it is grief that we experience.

I could discuss this collective grief experience from many different angles, but otday, I want to explore some of the cognitive structures we use to cope with it. I understand that we do whatever mental gymnastic we need to do in order to cope at the time; however, there are more fulfilling ways of acknowledging our realities and discovering ways to live with them. Sometimes the coping methods we utilize with ourselves AND with supporting others are shaming, dismissive, and ultimately, not sustainable. 

First, let's talk about some of the strategies that aren't particularly helpful:

1) Minimizing Pain
This happens when we downplay experiences of suffering. Some examples with the pandemic might be, “Well, Anne, just be grateful that you still have a job.” Or, “It could be worse. You could be living in New York City right now.”

Yes, technically, it can certainly always be worse. For every situation that someone describes as painful, we can always, always imagine one in which greater suffering is inflicted.  But here’s the thing. Pain is pain, and that feeling of hurt is REAL. And everyone has different experiences that cause them pain, and this is due to a variety of factors (context, life experience, triggers, temperament, etc). If someone is honestly struggling with some of the losses of the pandemic, it’s real loss, even if we are seemingly witnessing other people experiencing significant loss on a grander scale at the same time. It’s just not fair or helpful to compare pain, because it hurts, nonetheless. (For example, comparing the pain of missing prom to having a loved one die from COVID-19). Additionally, for many people, this is one of the first times in their lives that they are experiencing the phenomenon where the universe takes something precious from you and doesn’t give it back. This is incredibly jarring the first time we experience this as humans, and it’s what I refer to as our “losing our innocence moment.”

The other important wisdom to remember is that our pain always goes deeper than the initial item, per se. For example, if someone is bemoaning the fact that they no longer are able to go into the office for work, underneath that seemingly benign hindrance is a loss of security in routine. We have lost a sense of predictability in how the world is run, and that, my friends, is undeniably a significant loss. What may seem minor is usually quite monumental when you look at the underlying feelings it evokes.

2) Reframing and Pushing the Positive

This happens when we try to force ourselves or others to see the positive in a situation. Here are some phrases that I have heard recently, “Count your blessings. You are fortunate to be able to stay at home.” Or, I have also seen this, “This too shall pass.” Plus, let’s not forget this one, “Don’t worry. It’s in God’s hands.”

Okay, hear me clearly. Gratitude and reframing are both great and wonderful philosophies, and I’ll get to that more in a minute. However, we cannot be so eager to arrive at gratitude that we forget to name the very real losses and pain we have experienced.  When we try to push ourselves to gratitude, we are trying to skip over the uncomfortable feelings and thoughts that we are having. And this is a massive disservice to our selves because it denies us the opportunity to reflect on what hurt us and what scares us. And not only are we losing an opportunity for self-insight, but more importantly, we then lack the information to properly reconstruct our sense of selves and worldviews after loss because we are not even sure what it was that was broken in the first place. If I don’t spend time reflecting on the fact that my future dreams were the items that were destroyed by the pandemic, I’m not going to be intentional about recreating those when I’m in the mental space to do so. When we push others and ourselves to reframe/think positive before we are ready, it’s incredibly damaging because it misses this opportunity for reflection and more sustainable growth.

Moreover, the implicit assumption behind this push for positivity seems to be that gratitude can cancel out pain. If we have sophisticated enough reframing mechanisms, and if we think just enough positive thoughts, then we don’t have to sit with the dark realization that shitty things really do happen in the world. Sometimes, really devastating and terrible things happen in the world, and no, there isn’t some sort of preordained divine reason for them to happen. That’s not to say that humans and the divine cannot create beauty FROM the chaos, but it’s incredibly unsettling for us to have to realize that sometimes, really bad and dark stuff simply.just.happens because that’s how the world works. Don’t force yourself or others to jump to positivity or reframing simply because you are uncomfortable with pain and darkness.

Let me emphasize it again: Gratitude does not cancel out pain.

So, where does that leave us?

   1) Validate and Name

Well, first, for the love of God- validate your feelings and name your losses. When I teach my “Journey through Grief” class, I literally have the participants write down every single thing they have lost in addition to their loved one. When the participants first begin this exercise, they are a little dubious. It’s like I can see a thought bubble above their heads that says, “Well, duh, Anne. My loved one is dead, so that’s what I ‘lost.’” But then as I encourage them to think deeper, they start to realize that it isn’t merely that they lost the physical body of their loved one; they lost so much more than that. They lost future dreams…they lost companionship…they lost security…they lost faith…etc. You can keep going, and going, with the layers of loss.

So, for both yourself and others, think about what YOU have all lost in the pandemic. Loss of routine, loss of socialization, loss of faith in government, loss of physical activity, loss of sanity, etc. List these losses, name them, and freakin’ HONOR THEM by spending time with them. Because they are real, and they are difficult, even if “it can be worse,” and even if “there are silver linings in the midst of them.” Name your losses, validate your feelings, and be honest with their existence.

And when you hear someone else complain or state one of their losses, don’t immediately try to make it better for them. Simply say, “Yes, Phyllis. It really sucks that you can’t go to the office anymore. I know that you loved your lunch dates with your coworker Jackie.”

       2) Gratitude and Silver Linings
Remember how I went on that diatribe a couple of paragraphs ago about gratitude not cancelling out sadness? Well, I meant it, AND I also want to say that gratitude is important. What I want us to do with gratitude is to realize that it can coexist ALONGSIDE of loss. It doesn’t cancel out loss, and we cannot turn to it as a weapon to eliminate our sorrow. We can, however, uphold gratitude and let it live in all of its profundity alongside our grief.

       An exercise that I traditionally have clients do around Thanksgiving is that I have them draw a line down the middle of a piece of paper. And just like some other exercises, they wonder what it is that I have them doing and how it can be helpful. Nevertheless, I instruct them to write on the left hand side all of the losses that they have experienced with their loved one, and then on the right hand side, I have them list everything that fills them with gratitude.

       The idea behind the exercise is simple, and yet, it is one that most of us struggle with simultaneously upholding. And that idea is yet again that we can feel sadness/anger at the exact same time that we feel gratitude and appreciation. So, if you would humor me, I encourage you to do the same. Think about what you have all lost during the pandemic, and then, also think about everything that you appreciate.

       So, for me, one of the biggest losses that I’m acknowledging is that I can’t go to TGR, my gym. As you see in my “About Me,” TGR is my second home, and I’m desperately missing the people and activities there. And at the same time, an item on my gratitude list is that I’m finally able to run outside again. I wasn’t able to do this in the last year due to some inflammation issues, but just before the pandemic, a physical therapist was able to get me back on track. And if there was ever a time that I needed to be able to run, right now is definitely it.

       I feel significant loss at not being able to see my friends and pursue my hobbies, and at the exact same time, I also feel gratitude that I’m able to run outside again. Both of these items are true, and there does not have to be a relationship between the two. I don’t have to say, “I shouldn’t feel sad about TGR because I can run again.” I also don’t have to say, “The only way I could run again was to lose TGR.” As humans, we seem to be driven to find causal relationships, and often we do so because we want so badly to see the bad thing wiped away. We want to say that the bad thing was necessary for the good thing, or we want to say that we can’t feel sad about the bad thing because we have the good thing. But before I start to delve into matters of theodicy (future post!), let’s just say that a bad thing can exist on its own merit, and a good thing can coexist alongside it. Good certainly can come from bad, but the bad wasn’t necessarily needed for the good to happen. It’s simply that light is always, always able to find a way to shine through darkness.

       When you hear of someone else lamenting their situation from the pandemic, don’t rush them to gratitude. Don’t try to encourage them to think of everything they are grateful for as a means of attempting to cancel out their sadness. If they name something positive, you can help them name that as a blessing and share in their joy of having it with them, but don’t push them to go there when that’s not the space they are in.

       Anyhow, I know that this has turned into a lengthy blog post, and it’s because I’m so incredibly passionate about this topic. I have so many other posts that I want to write about with the pandemic (theodicy being one of them), and one of MY pieces of gratitude from all of this is that it is spurring a rejuvenation in intellectual and creative thought. (It sure isn’t inspiring an increase in personal hygiene.)

      Thanks, everyone, and until next time-

      Anne

Dear Self

Dear Self,

Tomorrow you will turn 27. Approximately six months ago you were lying awake in bed wondering what this day meant. It is not so much the actual number that makes you anxious, but rather the passing of time I suppose. The passing of time is a little bit unnerving because if time is passing for you, it also means that it is passing for others. You reflect on whether or not you've spent that time spending it with the people you love and doing the things that make you feel most alive. You then wonder, "Do I even truly know what makes me come alive?"

This was 26- Birthday on the Vegas strip, in the clubs and at a pool party!

People say that your birthdays become less significant after the ages of "21" and "25," but I have found that to be uncredible. I feel each year you have slowly learnt a little bit more about yourself, about other people. You've spent a lot of time questioning what it means to be "normal." What a "normal" woman? What's a "normal" twenty something year old doing and striving for? What's a "normal" relationship. What's "normal" for someone like me? You've felt self conscious about where you fit in within the standard. Truth is, you've been asking yourself all the wrong questions, Kristen. This year, spend your time wondering, "What makes Kristen Alesch feel alive" and go fucking do it.

You feel most alive when you feel small. When you are surrounded by beauty and greatness in every shape, feeling and essence of the words. You feel alive when you are in nature. Go climb more mountains. You feel alive when you are surrounded by those you love. Go, and be more often. You feel alive when you are challenged. Embrace those experiences and people that make you feel so. You feel alive when you are in front of an audience. Perform in front of a group of two, or 20.

You've been working on your ability to be vulnerable, when it counts. I hope you continue to try and look vulnerability in the eye and feel every bittersweet emotion that comes with it. I encourage you to continue to build connection and figure out what to be truly connected means. I want you to experience great joy and great sadness, and I hope you feel the two sentiments with every fiber of your being. I hope you find the voice and ambition of the little girl that once said she wanted to be an actress in Maine. I hope you reconnect with her, see what she's been up to and then go with her. I hope amazing people continue to enter your life and teach you many things. Some will leave while others will stay, and that's okay. Allow yourself to teach them something and learn something from them in return, and be better from it.

Be okay with the uncertainty of life and quit trying to find answers that may not yet be ready to be found. They'll come to you when both they and you are ready. Continue to love your freakin' heart out. You can never have too much of it. Continue to know you are worthy. Worthy of love, opportunity and life. Never question the gifts you have to offer; you have oh so many, Kristen. You are truly an amazing woman. Each day you love and know yourself a little more. Continue to sit with the silence and your thoughts and question what this life means. You won't ever fully figure it out, but maybe you'll learn a little more about yourself and human life in the process.

Dream, and continue dreaming, even when your dreams seem a little too distant. Remember where you come from and keep your eyes on where you're going. Admit when you fail without immediate justification and admit when you make a mistake, damnit. It's okay to apologize and feel the awkwardness. Ask questions but don't forget to reveal a little bit about yourself too. You have a lot to contribute to a conversation and person. Play, laugh and be silly. Never lose that part of yourself. Tell those you love that you love them without always knowing whether or not the feeling is reciprocated, and quit hiding behind the characteristics that simultaneously make you you, yet also prohibit others from truly seeing you.

This is almost 27- Walking home from my morning walk.
I stopped at my favorite coffee shop on the way back.
These morning walks bring me peace during this pandemic.
If you look closely, you can see that I have a few fine lines underneath my eye balls.
Can't believe I'm saying this, but I think they're beautiful; I'm beautiful.

May this year be a year of love, opportunity and life. Reflect often and allow yourself to feel. Travel, save and travel some more. Feel small, but never make yourself be small. Embrace womanhood and feel beautiful doing so. Wear a dress or wear athletic apparel; both are beautiful and womanly. Learn and get to know yourself a little bit better than the year before, and keep defining what makes Kristen Alesch come alive. Don't chase it, go do it. Lastly, trust the universe, trust your soul and be genuine.

Xoxo,
Kristen