It Pays to Compromise

It pays (literally and metaphorically) to compromise.

I did something last week that I’ve been a bit private about. I’m still trying to reflect upon why I was so quiet about it- I think it has something to do with my reticence with conflict. Additionally, I think I felt a bit embarrassed as it was difficult to explain to people in a few short words what was going on. Nevertheless, despite the clandestine nature of this event, I AM rather happy that I pursued it.

Now that I’m finished being super vague, let me explain.

I took someone to small claims court last week. Ay yi yi yi. Here’s the deal: I moved out of my former apartment on February 29^th (leap day!) I gave my landlord the requisite 30 days notice. Additionally, I let him know when I was officially moved out. I also gave him my forwarding address. And so….I waited for my deposit to be returned.

I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Finally, after a month, I decided to text him. It’s Iowa law to have your rent deposit returned within 30 days, and so I knew it was time to check in with him. It was a very polite text; I simply inquired about the status of my deposit. He said he would get it out within a couple of days.

And so I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Two weeks go by, and I text him again. Again, I try to keep it lighthearted.  He informs me that he “mailed it a week or two ago, but it must have gotten lost.”  Consequently, he tells me that he will write me a new check. And I inform him that I will personally come pick it up as I have grown weary of waiting for my deposit to be returned.

I go pick up the check from his mailbox, and I’m incensed to see that it’s for half of the amount of my original deposit. I’ve waited for well over the requisite time (per Iowa law) to receive this check, I’ve been given the run around about why it hasn’t arrived, and then I finally see that the amount returned was for half of the original deposit.

I take a couple of deep breaths, and I decide to let it go. It sucks, but life will go on. I just want to go cash this deposit so that I can move on with my life. If any of you have followed the Dissident Daughters for awhile, you will know that my move from my apartment was highly symbolic. And at this point, I just want to cash the damn check so that I can officially close that chapter of my life. It’s not ideal, but hey, it’s only money.

I drive to the bank, I go to cash the check, and the teller tells me there is a problem. This half-assed check that I’ve been given- it’s not signed. So I can’t even cash this piece of shit check!!!

At this point, I’m furious. I hate feeling like someone is screwing around with me. I was given the run around about getting the check in the first place, it was for half of the amount, it was late, and now it’s not signed. I immediately get out my phone and text my landlord. I inform him of the lack of signature, and I also ask him to please reconsider the amount due to all of the aforementioned events. Again, I kept my tone civil in my message even though I desperately wanted to use profanities.

He responds and tells me that he will sign the half-assed check, but he will not give me any more money. He tells me to just deal with it.  His tone was not as civil as mine.

At this point, something in me snaps. I really can’t explain it. It takes a LOT for me to snap. I’m pretty level headed, I’m ridiculously empathic, and I really hate conflict. As a result of all of this, it’s pretty easy for me to let things go. I’m definitely not a door mat, but I’ll usually say my piece and move on. It’s just not worth my time and energy to fixate on something or expend a lot of effort dragging it through the mud.

This was different, however. I had tried to let this whole thing go, but I had reached my breaking point. I just felt so strongly that someone was taking advantage and trying to exercise power over me.  I really can’t explain the feeling, but it was a feeling like I was being squashed. And that I was being forced inside myself to become a mere shadow.  And I have worked SO HARD to not give people so much power over me. And this landlord- he was using all the power he could over me. And he wasn’t even apologetic about it.

And so I snapped. I went home, and I immediately started researching Iowa rental laws. Iowa law clearly states that a deposit must be returned within 30 days or else the landlord forfeits the right to retain any part of the deposit. My deposit was definitely NOT returned in 30 days; therefore, my landlord should not have retained any of the deposit.

I talk to my sister, a lawyer, and she agrees with my assessment. We start talking about our course of action.

Meanwhile, a couple of days later, my landlord texts me. He tells me that he has now signed the half-assed check, and I can come pick it up. I inform him that I appreciate him signing it, but that I am looking into my rights with an attorney, and I believe that he forfeited his right to retain part of my deposit. He sends me back an angry text telling me that I’m ungrateful and that I need to “take or leave” the deposit.  I decide it’s best to stop texting him.

And so my sister and I pursue legal action. First, I write him a letter explaining my reasoning and my intent to pursue legal action if he doesn’t respond. I don’t hear anything from him. Next, my sister sends him a letter as my lawyer. He doesn’t even open the mail, and it is returned to her. Consequently, after attempting to connect with him and hearing no response, she files a claim with small claims court.

All of this takes place over the course of several months; I moved out at the end of February, and we are granted a hearing in small claims court in September. Other than those first initial text messages, my landlord refused to talk to me or my sister, and he WOULD NOT COMPROMISE.  This lack of engagement and acknowledgment- it simply fueled my fire. We tried to compromise and talk with him, and he would not even engage.

Finally, at the beginning of September, we go to our hearing in small claims court. Now, before you go before a judge, they have you attempt mediation. We went into mediation with my landlord, and we tried to compromise. We said that if he simply paid me a bit more money (on top of the original half-assed amount), then we would let the claim go.

He wouldn’t do it. He refused to budge. He would not give me one more cent than the original half-assed check. At this point, I think both my sister and myself were about ready to hit something. It wasn’t about the money- it was about this bastard’s unwillingness to engage and compromise.

So…we go before the judge, we present our case…and she rules in my favor. We kind of figured that she would rule in our favor- as the judge herself stated, Iowa law is pretty clear that a deposit needs to be returned within 30 days.

Now, get this. This is the insane part. As a result of going before the judge, my landlord was ordered to pay me the full amount of my original deposit, plus legal fees, PLUS court costs.

And this, my friends, is a perfect example of WHY it pays to engage and compromise. Let’s go back to the very beginning of this long winded scenario. If my landlord had simply offered me a few more dollars back when he originally forgot to sign the check, I would have let it go and moved on. Heck, if he had even been nicer about everything, I may have just let it go! But he was not civil, nor did he compromise.

If he had engaged with either my letter or my lawyer’s letter, we would have again taken only a bit more money to move on.

If he had compromised with us in the mediation, we would have taken some additional money to move on.

But he didn’t. And so he ended up paying a lot more money!!! Not only did he have to pay me my original deposit, but he also had to pay court and legal fees.

A part of me feels…relief about the situation. Honestly, it wasn’t really even about the money (although of course if given the choice, I would obviously want my whole deposit back over part of it!) It was about me standing up for myself when I felt someone was exercising undue power over me. It was about learning to engage in conflict. It was about addressing a situation that I felt was unjust.

And a part of me feels sad about it. I don’t like that I had to go to court to do this. I don’t like that my landlord (who probably is not very wealthy) now has to pay extra money. I feel sad that I couldn’t just have my deposit back in March and just officially said goodbye to my old apartment. I feel sad that I parted ways with my landlord on contentious terms. I feel sad that this happened at all.

And yet…I am forever an idealist. And I hope that greater beauty can and will come from this situation. I hope that this situation taught me even more about standing up for myself and engaging in conflict. Somewhere down the road, this will benefit me and my relationships. Additionally, I hope that my landlord has learned his lesson about jerking people around, and that future tenants will not be treated in a similar fashion. Good WILL come from this.

It pays to compromise. (Both literally and figuratively). And usually, it’s better to compromise before reaching a breaking point. But even when that breaking point is reached, I think there is always, always hope for beauty and growth.