Jennie From the Blog

Hey ya’ll. I’m back on the blog again after having taking last week off because of the hectic chaos I was living in which I currently call my life. I am writing this blog after just getting done planning for the school week so I am now able to relax, reflect and post my thoughts on paper. This week’s blog is going to be a little different than my usual post, as it will be a joint blog post between my roommate and close friend, Jennie Smith. Jennie is also a 2^nd year corps member in Memphis, TN and is an inclusion teacher at a middle school in Memphis.

One thing you need to know about Jennie and my relationship is that we will give each other hugs when they’re needed, but also give each other a swift kick in the ass where it’s also warranted. We have known each other for a year and a half now and our relationship has blossomed into one where we can be genuine and authentic without hurting the other person. Needless to say, we are brutally honest with each other (usually in a respectful manner with the exception of one time). I appreciate Jennie’s friendship because she often times grounds me and isn’t afraid to put me in place, which for those of you who know me, isn’t always easyJ. Our joint blog post is about a recent conversation we had and our reflections afterward.

Kristen: I don’t really care that he didn’t text me back because he’s a douche anyway.

Jennie: Okay valid, but you really need to stop calling all men douches.

Kristen: But all men are douches or at least the men I’m attracted to.

Jennie: And that’s part of the issue. You can’t call an entire gender that just because you’ve met a few who haven’t been the best.

Kristen: Why?

Jennie: Well, you really shouldn’t call anyone a douche, but that’s not the point here.  The point is that just because one girl messes up doesn’t mean all women are terrible. Well… just ‘cause a few men screw up it doesn’t mean the entire male gender is horrendous.

Kristen’s reflection:

I have recently thought a lot about Jennie’s and my conversation. Since moving to Memphis it seems that the men I have been attracted to carry a lot of baggage and when I use the term baggage I mean they’re full on packing for a 6 month trip to Europe. They’ll have multiple kids with multiple baby mamas, struggle to hold or find a decent paying job and don’t necessarily have the time or energy to make me a priority in their lives (rightly so with that much baggage). I’ve pondered over and over again as to why I am constantly attracted to these types of men and it wasn’t until my most recent date with a man that I was able to somewhat put a hypothesis on this.

This past weekend I went out with a man that I met via Tinder (yes, I know my generation is using this app and although there are conflicting opinions about it, I do believe that it isn’t all bad). I went and got drinks with Tinder dude at a bar. We casually drank, ate and talked. All in all, I had a decent time and enjoyed the conversations we had together. However, I left the date immediately coming up with reasons as to why it wouldn’t work out and why I shouldn’t see him again. I told Jennie that because he was dressed nice, spoke eloquently and was in general a very nice man that he must be gay. There MUST be something wrong with him. (Jennie’s remark: To which I reprimanded her for saying that being gay is wrong)

This in general is an issue with me. Every time a “nice” guy likes me I immediately shut him down. I’m not sure I do this because I like the “chase” of a bad boy or if I do this simply because I don’t think I deserve a nice guy or if I’m actually not ready for a committed relationship so I go after something that I know will not turn into anything serious. Like I said, I’m not sure why I do this, but I will admit I definitely do this and am currently in the process of trying to figure out why because I don’t actually want to do this. I do want to find someone I can settle down with, I do want to find someone that will make me a priority and I do want to find someone that likes me for more than what I can offer in the bedroom.

Jennie’s reflection:

So first thing’s first, last year I forced Kristen to watch my all-time favorite movie with me  (okay, okay, maybe one of my favorites, I can’t choose just one!), Perks of Being a Wallflower. Don’t wanna spoil the plot for you, so brief synopsis: It’s a coming of age film about a boy named Charlie and his friends and family and all the baggage that comes  with life. Charlie’s sister is abused by her boyfriend and Charlie goes to talk to his mentor, his English teacher to ask for advice.

Charlie: “Mr. Anderson, can I ask you something?”
Mr. Anderson: “Yeah.”
Charlie: “Why do nice people choose the wrong people to date?”
Mr. Anderson: “Are we talking about anyone specific?”
(Charlie nods)
Mr. Anderson: “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
Charlie: “Can we make them know that they deserve more?”
Mr. Anderson: “We can try.”

See that quote speaks volumes to the problems Kristen and so many in our generation are having. We tell ourselves we deserve less, even if we don’t voice it. We tell ourselves that we deserve what we’ve gotten and there’s nothing better out there. We tell ourselves this and you know what? That’s exactly what we get.

No not all guys are bad, not all girls are great. But we tend to view them as less if we think we deserve less. We tend to view guys as having an agenda other than trying to get to know us, ‘cause we don’t think we deserve someone who genuinely wants to know us. Truth is, we are scared to let anyone in and let them truly know us. It’s terrifying. We know ourselves, we know our strengths and our weaknesses, we know our deep dark secrets and they terrify us. We are afraid that if anyone else finds this stuff out they will go running and we will be left broken waiting for someone to save us, but we don’t really want to be saved.

See, I have this amazing example of a healthy, loving, not perfect, and constantly growing relationship. My parents have been married for 30+ years. They are awesome. They have truly lived out their marriage vows. They make me want that. But you know what, my parents don’t have the cookie-cutter-met-in-high-school-sweetheart story. They both went through a lot of crazy and a bunch of heartache before they met. And you know what? They didn’t start dating immediately. They were friends for a few years before dating. And you know what? Since they’d taken the time to figure out who they were as single individuals and pursued their careers and worked their hardest to make a difference in this world, they each found someone with the same drive and the same passions who could work alongside them in their mission for the rest of their lives.

My parents show me daily that love and relationships aren’t meant to be easy, and they aren’t meant to be perfect. They are meant to be dynamic. More than that, if you’re too scared to be yourself, it’s not gonna last.

There is one thing to remember about every relationship, as the great lyricist wrote: “It’s gonna be forever, or it’s gonna go down in flames.” (TSwift)

Currently, Kristen thinks the latter….don’t worry, I’m gonna keep calling her on it!! J

Currently, if any of you were wondering, I (Kristen) keep going on random dates with people I’ve met from every which way and Jennie, is single but keeps her options open for the one man that shares her passion for making this world a better place or whatever you want to call it. If any of you were also wondering, Jennie is currently sitting on my bed eating some janky Polish dish she concocted a few minutes ago (shout out to Pittsburgh history) and I’m about to kick her out so I can go to bed. Night ya’ll (yinz for the Pittsburghers out there).

It Pays to Compromise

It pays (literally and metaphorically) to compromise.

I did something last week that I’ve been a bit private about. I’m still trying to reflect upon why I was so quiet about it- I think it has something to do with my reticence with conflict. Additionally, I think I felt a bit embarrassed as it was difficult to explain to people in a few short words what was going on. Nevertheless, despite the clandestine nature of this event, I AM rather happy that I pursued it.

Now that I’m finished being super vague, let me explain.

I took someone to small claims court last week. Ay yi yi yi. Here’s the deal: I moved out of my former apartment on February 29^th (leap day!) I gave my landlord the requisite 30 days notice. Additionally, I let him know when I was officially moved out. I also gave him my forwarding address. And so….I waited for my deposit to be returned.

I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Finally, after a month, I decided to text him. It’s Iowa law to have your rent deposit returned within 30 days, and so I knew it was time to check in with him. It was a very polite text; I simply inquired about the status of my deposit. He said he would get it out within a couple of days.

And so I waited. And I waited. And I waited. Two weeks go by, and I text him again. Again, I try to keep it lighthearted.  He informs me that he “mailed it a week or two ago, but it must have gotten lost.”  Consequently, he tells me that he will write me a new check. And I inform him that I will personally come pick it up as I have grown weary of waiting for my deposit to be returned.

I go pick up the check from his mailbox, and I’m incensed to see that it’s for half of the amount of my original deposit. I’ve waited for well over the requisite time (per Iowa law) to receive this check, I’ve been given the run around about why it hasn’t arrived, and then I finally see that the amount returned was for half of the original deposit.

I take a couple of deep breaths, and I decide to let it go. It sucks, but life will go on. I just want to go cash this deposit so that I can move on with my life. If any of you have followed the Dissident Daughters for awhile, you will know that my move from my apartment was highly symbolic. And at this point, I just want to cash the damn check so that I can officially close that chapter of my life. It’s not ideal, but hey, it’s only money.

I drive to the bank, I go to cash the check, and the teller tells me there is a problem. This half-assed check that I’ve been given- it’s not signed. So I can’t even cash this piece of shit check!!!

At this point, I’m furious. I hate feeling like someone is screwing around with me. I was given the run around about getting the check in the first place, it was for half of the amount, it was late, and now it’s not signed. I immediately get out my phone and text my landlord. I inform him of the lack of signature, and I also ask him to please reconsider the amount due to all of the aforementioned events. Again, I kept my tone civil in my message even though I desperately wanted to use profanities.

He responds and tells me that he will sign the half-assed check, but he will not give me any more money. He tells me to just deal with it.  His tone was not as civil as mine.

At this point, something in me snaps. I really can’t explain it. It takes a LOT for me to snap. I’m pretty level headed, I’m ridiculously empathic, and I really hate conflict. As a result of all of this, it’s pretty easy for me to let things go. I’m definitely not a door mat, but I’ll usually say my piece and move on. It’s just not worth my time and energy to fixate on something or expend a lot of effort dragging it through the mud.

This was different, however. I had tried to let this whole thing go, but I had reached my breaking point. I just felt so strongly that someone was taking advantage and trying to exercise power over me.  I really can’t explain the feeling, but it was a feeling like I was being squashed. And that I was being forced inside myself to become a mere shadow.  And I have worked SO HARD to not give people so much power over me. And this landlord- he was using all the power he could over me. And he wasn’t even apologetic about it.

And so I snapped. I went home, and I immediately started researching Iowa rental laws. Iowa law clearly states that a deposit must be returned within 30 days or else the landlord forfeits the right to retain any part of the deposit. My deposit was definitely NOT returned in 30 days; therefore, my landlord should not have retained any of the deposit.

I talk to my sister, a lawyer, and she agrees with my assessment. We start talking about our course of action.

Meanwhile, a couple of days later, my landlord texts me. He tells me that he has now signed the half-assed check, and I can come pick it up. I inform him that I appreciate him signing it, but that I am looking into my rights with an attorney, and I believe that he forfeited his right to retain part of my deposit. He sends me back an angry text telling me that I’m ungrateful and that I need to “take or leave” the deposit.  I decide it’s best to stop texting him.

And so my sister and I pursue legal action. First, I write him a letter explaining my reasoning and my intent to pursue legal action if he doesn’t respond. I don’t hear anything from him. Next, my sister sends him a letter as my lawyer. He doesn’t even open the mail, and it is returned to her. Consequently, after attempting to connect with him and hearing no response, she files a claim with small claims court.

All of this takes place over the course of several months; I moved out at the end of February, and we are granted a hearing in small claims court in September. Other than those first initial text messages, my landlord refused to talk to me or my sister, and he WOULD NOT COMPROMISE.  This lack of engagement and acknowledgment- it simply fueled my fire. We tried to compromise and talk with him, and he would not even engage.

Finally, at the beginning of September, we go to our hearing in small claims court. Now, before you go before a judge, they have you attempt mediation. We went into mediation with my landlord, and we tried to compromise. We said that if he simply paid me a bit more money (on top of the original half-assed amount), then we would let the claim go.

He wouldn’t do it. He refused to budge. He would not give me one more cent than the original half-assed check. At this point, I think both my sister and myself were about ready to hit something. It wasn’t about the money- it was about this bastard’s unwillingness to engage and compromise.

So…we go before the judge, we present our case…and she rules in my favor. We kind of figured that she would rule in our favor- as the judge herself stated, Iowa law is pretty clear that a deposit needs to be returned within 30 days.

Now, get this. This is the insane part. As a result of going before the judge, my landlord was ordered to pay me the full amount of my original deposit, plus legal fees, PLUS court costs.

And this, my friends, is a perfect example of WHY it pays to engage and compromise. Let’s go back to the very beginning of this long winded scenario. If my landlord had simply offered me a few more dollars back when he originally forgot to sign the check, I would have let it go and moved on. Heck, if he had even been nicer about everything, I may have just let it go! But he was not civil, nor did he compromise.

If he had engaged with either my letter or my lawyer’s letter, we would have again taken only a bit more money to move on.

If he had compromised with us in the mediation, we would have taken some additional money to move on.

But he didn’t. And so he ended up paying a lot more money!!! Not only did he have to pay me my original deposit, but he also had to pay court and legal fees.

A part of me feels…relief about the situation. Honestly, it wasn’t really even about the money (although of course if given the choice, I would obviously want my whole deposit back over part of it!) It was about me standing up for myself when I felt someone was exercising undue power over me. It was about learning to engage in conflict. It was about addressing a situation that I felt was unjust.

And a part of me feels sad about it. I don’t like that I had to go to court to do this. I don’t like that my landlord (who probably is not very wealthy) now has to pay extra money. I feel sad that I couldn’t just have my deposit back in March and just officially said goodbye to my old apartment. I feel sad that I parted ways with my landlord on contentious terms. I feel sad that this happened at all.

And yet…I am forever an idealist. And I hope that greater beauty can and will come from this situation. I hope that this situation taught me even more about standing up for myself and engaging in conflict. Somewhere down the road, this will benefit me and my relationships. Additionally, I hope that my landlord has learned his lesson about jerking people around, and that future tenants will not be treated in a similar fashion. Good WILL come from this.

It pays to compromise. (Both literally and figuratively). And usually, it’s better to compromise before reaching a breaking point. But even when that breaking point is reached, I think there is always, always hope for beauty and growth.