Humbled Part II

Hello again! As promised, here is Part II of my blog from last week (simply scroll down to see Part I). Twice now, I’ve written about how I have answered the “how are you feeling” question at a particular, significant moment in my life. The first was shortly after Larry and I got married. I was happy! You can read that blog here: http://dancingdissidentdaughters.blogspot.com/2015/08/happy.html. The second was back in May while I was in my last month of pregnancy. I was grateful! You can read that blog here: http://dancingdissidentdaughters.blogspot.com/2016/05/grateful.html.

Even though it is now almost 3 months after we have welcomed LJ into our lives, I am still (thankfully! side note: never forget to ask about mom!) getting the “how are YOU feeling question?” And even though I generally just tell people that I’m good but tired, really I just feel humbled. And while I could go on and on with examples on why I feel this way, I’ll just give you a list of 5. I’ve got to hammer this out before LJ wakes up again anyway…

5. I’ve been humbled by the amount of visitors and support that we have received over the last couple of months. We received so many gifts for the little man that I’ll probably have to donate some and I never imagined that so many people would travel near and far to meet someone who only eats, poops and sleeps. Hell, Larry’s parents were at the hospital before I was even done pushing! My mother (who has NEVER flown on her own) booked a flight immediately and met her fear of flying alone face to face in order to meet her new grandson. Friends and relatives who have never even been to our house, made the trip to meet our new handsome prince. Most of these visitors had the misfortune opportunity to see me in some pretty vulnerable states- unshowered, body parts hanging out, etc. One of Larry’s best friends first met LJ on the night we brought him home and she walked into me bawling uncontrollably. I think that experience was humbling for both of us.

4. I’ve been humbled by what matters and that definitely does not include material possessions or outwardly appearances. One of these aforementioned material possessions includes our house. We bought our house and shortly after got engaged. Thus, any extra income we had went to saving for our wedding and not to our house. Shortly after we were married, I got pregnant so again, any extra income was not going to the house but rather to baby furniture, etc. We’ve still got some ridiculously ugly curtains up from the previous owners and in general, just don’t have a house that has every room put together. Prior to LJ, I would have been slightly embarrassed for some of my friends to visit our house as it pales in comparison to those of some of my other, more established friends. However, after LJ was born, I invited all of those more established friends with houses that are way more put together than ours right on over. Heck, sometimes I’d even let them wander the house themselves for the first time while trying to find me in the nursery with LJ. They were able to see our messy bedroom with hideous goat curtains still hanging from the previous owners and other dark, messy corners of our house uncensored and at their leisure. Oh well! I didn’t care at the time and low and behold, I haven’t lost any friends over it! As for outwardly appearances, the best example I can give for this involves the above picture taken at a wedding this past weekend. Prior to LJ, I probably would have bought a new dress for the wedding along with matching jewelry and shoes. However, this time around, I packed three dresses to choose from. Two of them were fairly nice but I ultimately ended up picking the one that was folded up in my gym bag because it had easy access for nursing and was the most comfortable. By no means am I saying that one should not care about her/his appearance. I acknowledge that looking one’s best often makes us feel better. And three months from now, I will probably resume buying new dresses for special occasions. But right now, it’s just not important.

3. Speaking of appearances, I’ve been humbled in another way regarding outwardly appearances. Despite everyone saying I looked “so tiny,” I gained about 50 pounds during my pregnancy. I still have about 25 pounds of that to lose. Yes, I know that the most important thing is that I have a healthy son and that I am healthy enough to feed him nature’s best love potion. I also know that I have been fortunate enough to spend the last 12 weeks snuggling with him and that working out has been way less of a priority for me. However, at some point, I am going to have to fit back into my military uniforms and not too far off in the distant future, I am going to have to pass a physical fitness test and meet the Army’s weight requirements. I’ve never had to lose this much weight and it is daunting and it.is.hard. It is not impossible but certainly more difficult squeezing in workouts these days. It’s also more difficult for my husband to have the time and energy to always cook nutritious meals every night like he had in the past. Yes, we still eat relatively healthy but let’s be honest, sometimes a peanut butter and jelly sandwich because you forgot to take something out for dinner or takeout is just easier. I’d like to think that prior to LJ I looked at everyone with a nonjudgmental eye (that slightly heavier woman running on the side of the road or that person who finishes last in a Crossfit class), but these days it is even more so.

2. I’ve been humbled by what I simply just don’t know. While I was pregnant, I read numerous books on caring for a newborn, parenting, etc. That’s the kind of person I am- if I’m going to do something, I’m going to read the latest research and get “recommendations” and “reviews” from the “experts.” I can remember feeling cocky after I closed the last chapter of “The Happiest Baby on the Block” thinking this mothering thing was going to be easy! I had the Five S’s down so my baby would never cry! Little did I know that LJ would hate to be swaddled (he sleeps much better with his hands by his face) which blew the first S to smithereens! While he likes to bounce, he hates his swing, making the fourth S and the swing sitting in our living room less useful and while he loves to suck on the breast, he won’t take a pacifier which defeats some of the fifth S. My fellow Mom readers will know exactly what I’m talking about but for everyone else, let’s just say everything I read beforehand was not as magical as the vignettes in all of my books made it sound. I still don’t know everything, but I’ve resorted more to just going with my own instincts along with helpful advice from friends here and there and it’s been a lot better.

1. But most of all, I’ve been humbled that I’ve been blessed with two important men in my life. I think a lot of people forget about dad in the beginning. Much of the focus is on baby and mom, especially one that is exclusively breastfeeding because they are bonded and connected not only emotionally but simply because life the first couple of months revolves around the breast. However, I’ve been blessed with a husband who tries to be involved and help as much as he can. It’s a given that he’s involved emotionally and helps as much as he can with LJ so I won’t go too much into that but I’ve been humbled by some of the ways in which he has helped and made a difference in my sanity. I remember back during the first couple of weeks when I had to use a nipple shield for a short time. Larry was better at remembering it prior to a feeding than I was and often he’d be the one to actually put it on correctly. One may imagine a lesser man who would want nothing to do with a breast lest it be sexual. He also cooks, cleans, and does laundry better than I do and (I think) he does it because he wants to do it to help out not because I make him do it. I have repeatedly said that I don’t know how single mothers do it. At any rate, together, we have been blessed with LJ and I will end this blog by saying I am humbled to have been chosen to be his mother.