Well, I'm writing this in balmy Fort Polk Louisiana. I have been here for almost two weeks. I traveled here on an overnight bus ride sitting next to the crapper for 16 hours as I was the last person to board the bus and it was the only seat left. The emergency exit on the bus kept popping open during the journey so it was eventually secured with duct tape which held for a good 30 minutes. It has reached 108 degrees at times. I sleep in a bunk bed and our room has a distinguished visitor of the rodent kind that occasionally makes an appearance. Normally, two weeks of duty doesn't bother me. Piece of cake I usually tell myself. Sometimes, I tell people, "Hell, I can do ANYTHING for 14 measly days." Other times I joke, "At least it ain't Afghanistan." Great sound bites for a fraud like me.
The reality is though...it ain't easy. All joking aside I'm absolutely questioning myself and my choices. My husband was gone for three weeks of miltary schooling before I left. I left the day he returned and we didn't see eachother as I had to leave in the morning and he returned in the afternoon. My kids have had one parent since July 8 and I feel like a total failure to them. My feelings are a patchwork of guilt, worry and anxiety. I've grown to call this melencholy state of mind my mini-depression. A war wages within disrupting my thoughts.
Am I screwing my kids up? What the hell am I doing? Are my kids going to be irreparably harmed by the military? Or, am I showing them a good example of a strong woman? Am I modeling responsible behavior? Am I a role model? Or is that just window dressing I hide behind to make myself feel better? Is strength having the courage to stay home instead of doing this? Is strength listening to that quiet voice that questions if my kids deserve more of me? You see, I'm proud of what I have done and who I am and what John and i have built together. But it's a bit uncommon and somewhat outside what is considered normal. Or is that just in my head, too? I don't know, I guess. But I worry. Will my son never get married because he has this asshole of a mom as a female role model? Will my daughter suffer like I have if she turns out like me? Do I want either of my kids to turn out like me? Deep down the answer that I unequivocally know to be true, is that no, I don't. I don't like myself that much to be honest. Not today at least I don't and maybe most days. The choices I've made, I've made them so my kids don't have to go through what I have, but have I done the right thing? Have i passed these crippling and ridiculous thought processes on to my kids? Would they, could they, be better off, more normalized, if they didn't have a mother like me? Did they inherit this stupidity I've steeped myself in? Sitting here in the doldrums of Fort Polk Louisiana my mind is a battlefield with no clear victory in sight.
But I make a decision. The outcome of this battle, and ultimately, the war is within my control. It is up to me to once again be strong...what that looks like for me and not anyone else, even if it is just fraudulent strong. I decide, right now, that these thoughts and war games I'm playing in my head are ridiculous and counter-productive. It's how I've survived this long and I once again take control. As I do this, a clear victor begins to emerge. The girl who remembers all she has to do is just the next right thing takes over and puts one foot in front the other. Two more days and a wake up, she murmers. And with that, the battle is over. The war, however, will live to fight another day. It always does. Love you kids. Someday, maybe it will make sense.
1 comment:
Interesting, yet defeating article. I guess, since I'm not a parent yet, I may not have the right to voice an opinion on the subject. However, hear me out.
Knowing what it's like being in the military, I think your concerns are justified, yet perhaps misguided due to your fatigue and current situation. I've not met an adult child who feels disappointed in their parents or damaged because of thier parent's military service. If anything, I believe most would say it built stronger character. So, I would say, your kids are just fine. They are still going to run up into your arms and love you when you get home just as they would if you were never gone.
In suburbia, it's hard to NOT compare yourself to your neighbor who seems to have it all. The mom who can pull off the perfect Pinterest birthday party, or what ever the "perfect" case may be. I feel those individuals live in such a bubble that they may not be giving thier children the "perfect" set of life skills either. It's not comparing apples to apples. Every family is different and that's ok.
So your lifestlye is different, but your kids have two loving parents, a safe home, food on the table. Perfection is unattainable and people who pursue perfection (especially for the sake of their children) are only setting themselves up for disappointment. Children are resilient and only have thier own experiences to base things off of. They are not judging you the way that you are judging yourself. They see your love and love you even if you have to go away for a little while.
It's ok to have doubts now and then. It keeps us humble. But, your kids need that strong, loving you when you can be there. And your miltary service helps make you who you are. Embrace it for what it is and keep doing what you're doing. They are going to respect you for it.
Your sometimes insensitive friend,
Ashlee
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