"Owning our story and loving ourselves through that process is the bravest thing that we will ever do." --Brene Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection
I'm stymied right now because when I read this quote, there is no way I can, in words, adequately express the power behind this statement. I feel there is no way my words can sufficiently express the amount of pain, self doubt, self hatred, shame, hiding and fear that manifested in my life before I started to understand and practice the two intentions expressed above: owning my story and loving myself through the process. I have struggled with both of them and I have gotten better at both of them...and if I am completely honest, I am better at owning my story, for myself and to others, than I am at loving myself through the process (though neither is ever complete...they are both decisions we make every day for the rest of our lives).
For me, at the root of both of these intentions is honesty...honesty with ourselves and honesty with others...but first and foremost with ourselves because if we aren't honest with ourselves, we can't be honest with others. There was a time when I was not open with others about seeing a counselor for most of my adult life. There was a time when I kept my struggles with depression and anxiety under wraps so no one knew (at least from my mouth) about them. It is so empowering not to be in that position anymore and to own those qualities without shame or fear.
Comparatively, it was much more difficult to begin to be honest with myself. It was a difficult moment when I had to admit to myself that I actually did give a fuck about romantic partnerships and men weren't just good for one thing. It was difficult for me to admit that I don't function well when I have too many things going on...I'm not a person who can race from one thing to the next, constantly busy (the type of person who has often been revered in our society), and maintain mental and emotional stability. It was hard for me to admit that I need to be deliberate and practice loving myself because it is not something I was ever taught or given the tools to do.
A large part of this process is forgiveness. To come to love ourselves throughout the process, I feel we have to forgive ourselves for things we're not proud of and have compassion for ourselves when we need to start over or have a difficult self love day. For me, and maybe for everyone, those concepts-honesty, forgiveness and compassion-are intertwined and gladly entangled. I think love requires all of it, and maybe they all require each other and are all part of the same whole of love. I'm sure someone else has stated these thoughts more eloquently and less convolutedly than I...but I think you know what I'm getting at.
I think about all of the families with secrets (mine included) and how that makes it so the people with the secret probably never feel truly accepted and loved-like they are always hiding and playing the imposter, the poser, struggling not to be discovered. And it makes me sad. There are so many things we all share and can relate to and we may never know if we never share and remain in the shroud of loneliness and masking. Someone may be saved or supported or encouraged and not feel so alone and scared if we shared our authentic selves and owned our stories. I think Molly stated it so simply and beautifully in her last blog...we all need to hear "Me, too." sometimes and if we don't share, we won't hear it and feel the support, encouragement and love that accompanies that simple statement.
It also makes me sad because I think people's capacity to love and accept is so much greater that we give them or our own selves credit for. It may not be immediate and we may need to make peace and confront some uncomfortableness but I do think those people who truly belong and deserve a place in our lives have the capacity to love us so much more and more fully love us than we give them credit for. We sell them short and, in turn, sell ourselves short. Speaking from experience, when I have shared my internal and external struggles with friends and family and realized they still love me and are willing to support me, I have felt liberated and blessed beyond belief...shame sloughs off revealing a stronger, deeper relationship with others and myself.
Another reason I feel sad and frustrated is that our "shame", our desire to control situations, perceptions and reactions, inhibits our loved ones from becoming who they can be. I'm not saying blast your story to everyone, because not everyone is worthy of every part of your story, but I do think our immediate families (unless they are complete aholes) and others we want to be intimate with deserve our authentic story-so we can confront challenges, fully, together and fully love one another. Parents who shield their children do not allow their children to confront reality, to confront imperfection, to learn the lessons of acceptance and love that can only be taught through accepting imperfections.
By hiding one's shame and being dishonest, we teach others to be ashamed and dishonest. The message is that we must fit some definition of perfection to be loved and lovable and TRUST ME-we internalize that message as members of a family and community in relationship with one another. I'm sure many of you are familiar with the story of the struggle of the caterpillar to become a butterfly (if not, click here)...this is the story of all of us, struggling to overcome and become something more beautiful. When we hide ourselves in shame, we take that opportunity away from ourselves AND our loved ones. To me, left unaddressed, this is an unforgivable curse.
My life has only become more beautiful since I began owning my story. I have connected with so many more people, been supported, encouraged and loved when I thought I had none of those things and I have been blessed to offer the same to others by way of owning and sharing my authentic self. These blessings help with the self love part that I am not as good at...yet :)
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