Healthy Humble Pie

I have always been passionate about sports and exercise. However, during grad school and residency, I did not have the mental or financial resources to pursue much beyond running and lifting a couple of times a week. So when I finally started my first “grown-up” job over a year ago, I was excited to have the time and energy to return to my love of physical activity. Therefore, I decided that I was going to run a half marathon.

And so I did- I ran a half marathon last May! I even made a neon tutu to celebrate this momentous occasion. Nevertheless, something “funny” happened when I crossed that half marathon finish line. And that funny thing was- I didn’t really feel anything! I didn’t feel that sense of euphoria, or accomplishment, that I had heard so many other people describe. I just kind of felt something like, “Oh, okay. Guess that’s over now. I sure am tired.” I thought that maybe the euphoria and desire to train for another race would return in time, but they did not.

I felt kind of stuck in a rut for awhile- I didn’t know how to find an outlet for my desire to physically engage my body. I still enjoyed running, but only about 3x a week (and not at half marathon lengths!) But then something amazing happened. My friend, Krystal, invited me to go to an aerial silks class with her. I went with her to one class, and I absolutely loved it. So I signed up for six months of classes.

Aerial silks is incredibly fun and beautiful. Here is a video of what it can look like-

…But I am really far from this. Here’s the thing that I’ve learned since taking aerial silks classes- they are really difficult. And I’m…ready for it? I’m.Not.Very.Good. Not just- “I’m not good because I’m a beginner.” I’m talking- I’m really just not very good at them. Done. The end.

Yes, Yes, I know. It’s not about being good, per se.…It’s about self-improvement…challenging yourself… celebrating your own victories, and all that. Aerial silks are difficult for everyone to a certain degree, and there is always room to grow…yes, yes. I understand. I really do. If I were to be more precise with my words, I would say this- I personally do not have very much natural aptitude for aerial silks.

It was actually kind of hard for me to admit this at first. Like I said, I’ve been physically active for most of my life. I played 4 sports in high school, and I’ve always been gifted with athletic instincts…hand eye coordination…etc. Tennis, softball, volleyball- those came relatively easy to me- or, at least, I had an aptitude for them that could be developed with practice. And I guess I didn’t give it much thought, but I figured that I would do all right with aerial silks.

It turns out, however, that aerial silks classes is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. They are relatively difficult for most people, but I’ve discerned two ‘handicaps’ that seem to make them even more challenging for me:

1)   I have very little spatial intelligence. And what little I may have had was pretty much depleted by grad school when I learned to hone and chisel my analytical and writing skills. Consequently, this means it’s really hard for me to learn new aerial moves because I can’t process how someone is able to move their body into new and unique shapes. And in aerial you are continually learning new and different ways to intentionally move your body.  This is different than other sports- to a large degree, the sports I am accustomed to playing are based on either repetition (like perfecting your shooting form), or else moving your body instinctively (such as diving for a ball). And so it’s really hard for me to learn new shapes every.single.week. I often joke that I’d probably learn aerial easier if I were able to read the instructions. #onlyhalfjoking

2)   I’m tall for a female, and I also carry the majority of both my weight and strength in the lower half of my body. Additionally, aerial takes a lot of upper body strength, and I do not have much. It is very difficult, consequently, to haul myself up the silks. Some girls are able to climb the entire length of the silks within their first couple of lessons. I’ve been at it for awhile, and I can climb…like a foot. I’m definitely improving each week, but it’s also definitely slow-going.

Ironically, I can analyze why aerial is difficult for me (yes, this is an area where I am gifted!), but that doesn’t necessarily make it any easier, except I’m trying to learn to how to best work with these privations.

Sometimes I do feel a little embarrassed at how difficult aerial is for me. Like most of us, I’m accustomed to primarily performing the tasks in which I excel, and so it’s really humbling to do something that is soooo challenging. I remember learning a new move in class one day, and I was (once again) slow at learning it. Our instructor was trying to help me, and before I knew it, the words, “Oh my gosh, I swear I have a Master’s degree” flew out of my mouth. I meant it to be funny (and it was), but I also have the self-awareness to know that this comment was coming from a place of insecurity. I felt stupid for how slow and difficult it was for me to learn a move that everyone else was getting.  I felt the need to defend my intelligence by asserting that I had achieved a culturally acceptable symbol of success- the Master’s degree. How ridiculous!

Finally! Some success!

And yet. Despite my occasional embarrassment, and very slow progress, I still keep coming back to aerial class every week. Why?

1)   It’s fun as hell. Plain and simple. It’s fun to twist and move my body into shapes. It’s fun to hang upside down.  It’s fun to climb and fly in the air (even if it’s only a foot!)

2)   It’s fantastic exercise. I’ve noticed so much improvement in my flexibility and strength since starting aerial. And it IS really great to be able to see improvements every week- to have new achievements, reach new milestones, etc. I feel so empowered to be able to attain each success, no matter how small.

3)   I work in hospice. Bereavement, to be specific. I spend my days listening to people talk about the heartache of missing their loved one. I spend my days listening to people question the nature of why we exist and why we die. It’s heavy, and it’s draining. So the last thing that I want to do when I leave work is to do anything emotionally intense. However, I DO still have strong social needs. And going to aerial (and other classes at TGR) is a fantastic way to meet my social needs while also replenishing my emotional reserve.  I can be around other people, but for at least one hour, I’m entirely focused on how to hold onto a piece of fabric so that I don’t fall. Sometimes I act really silly while doing all of this, and I’m fairly certain it’s my way of trying to achieve balance in my life.

So there you have it, folks. I eat humble pie every single week. And I love it, I enjoy it, and it is life-giving for my soul. I actually think that it’s important for ALL of us to find ways to eat humble pie on an ongoing basis. For me, it serves as a continual reminder I am not perfect and that I am not God- nor am I meant to be. I am human, I am broken, and that is okay. There is beauty in struggle and challenge.

Additionally, I also think that it has given me more grace with others. For example, I admit that I grow frustrated when other people's writing is filled with grammatical errors. Writing flows easily for me, and so I’m irritated when others cannot present their ideas coherently. However, the more I embrace my own shortcomings, the more I’m able to give grace to others for theirs. Conversely, it also helps me celebrate gifts and successes- both mine and others.  Struggling and succeeding are not either inherently good or bad; both are significant and vital aspects of shaping who we are.

Do you ever eat humble pie?