Well, folks, I have to admit that I'm cashed from the weekend so my creative juices aren't exactly flowing right now. I wish I could say I had a whirlwind weekend in Paris or perhaps even Las Vegas but alas it was simply training. What kind of training you ask? ARMY TRAINING, Segeant! HOOAH!
As I found myself spending another weekend away from my kids, I found myself thinking about the uncommon life my husband and I Iead. We are apart a lot. Between our military careers, traveling for work and other training for various jobs that we have had over the years, we spend many nights, weeks and, at least once when I was Afghanistan, even an entire year apart. Our first year of marriage I was gone for half of it to attend Officer Basic Course. It's our crazy little adventure to us. To an outsider, I guess it's unconventional. I say this because we have both had people comment on the amount of time we are apart. A few examples: "Oh, I wouldn't like that." "I couldn't put up with that." "You must really trust each other." "You let HIM take care of the kids?" "I hope that's not causing too much stress on your marriage."
While I respect others' opinions of my shit show of a life, and I really do mean that, I am happier than I have ever been. I can't speak for John but I think he is happy too. The reality is that my husband and I have the freedom to live our lives. And because of that, we are a team. He helps me do what I want and I help him do the same. It's not always easy or perfect. We fight, I'm still an asshole, and John still can't seem to remember to throw his beer bottle tops away. It means we spend time apart but that we also make the most of our time together. When we are together, we are thankful for that time. I don't mean to give the impression we are perfect. We almost didn't make it and we have had some pretty serious disagreements and done some really shitty things to each other. But we have gotten through it. Together. As a team. Not a dream team, mind you, but more like the Bad News Bears.
At the same time, in order for this unconventional life to work, both of us had to get over some gender stereotypes. I shovel snow and mow the lawn. John takes care of the kids, and is better with them than I could ever hope to be. I used to be mad when I had to shovel snow. Then, one day after we had gotten eight inches of snow and I found myself getting angry about shoveling, I suddenly realized I was doing the very thing to John I didnt want him to do to me: Putting tasks and people in boxes. If I didn't want to be boxed in as a woman with woman's tasks, I couldn't do that to John based on his gender. I couldn't have it both ways. So now I love shoveling and mowing. It reminds me that gender sterotypes are dysfunctional and should be challenged. These tasks now empower me and I'm thankful I have the physical strength to perform them but even more thankful I have a husband who is open-minded enough toto let me do them.
As I leave wearing an Army uniform or as I shovel 8 inches of snow, I realize we are not the norm for a Midwest couple. I suppose that's what makes people question John and I's situation. But in writing this, I am reminded that sometimes the best surprises are hidden in the uncommon. Humans want to fit in, to be unique enough to be interesting but not to be too outside the box to be different. Once again, I am generalizing here, but humans are usually fearful of differences and suspicious or critical of those who are different.
This creates a paradox. By trying to fit in, to be normal, we stifle creativity, imagination and passion. Rarely is greatness born out of the norm because, well, the norm is already the norm. So very little change comes from everyone being the same. It's just not possible to experience change if we are all the same, doing things in the same old way just because that's the way things have always been. In reality, no one's life looks the same, nor should it as we all are our own people, created to be diverse so that we can continue to prosper. Hating or judging or despising those who are different is essentially hating your very nature and the entire premise of creation is it not?
The other thing I would like to reflect upon is that judging someone else's life without knowing the why, what, who or how, is unfortunate. I'm guilty of doing this and I'm trying to be better about recognizing that I might make the same choices as some other person given the full picture. As people judge my situation, which to me is the only way I would have it, I realize that our judgments say more about the person judging and their weaknesses than the one who is being judged. I don't know what my life would be like without the Army but I don't think I would be immensely happier without it. Maybe I would never be gone but I wonder if I would feel trapped or if John and I wouldn't have become such a great team because we wouldn't have to be. My point is, that there is no guarantee blindly following the norm is the secret to happiness for anyone.
Finally, the last point I would like to offer is that we are not in control of our lives. We try to control many things and predict every outcome. We envision our lives and struggle to accept it when things turn out differently. Sometimes, we try so hard to force our dream life on ourselves that we make poor decisions. For example, let's say you wanted to be married by age 28 and you are currently 27 years old. In order to force your life in the imaginary dream life you concocted for yourself without doing much, if any research, you marry someone who isn't exactly a good match for you and end up divorced. You may have achieved your dream but at what cost? Who and what did you miss out on by being with a not so right person? I think that by forcing our dream instead of being open to the adventures life presents us we can actually create the very life we were trying to avoid in the first place. Instead of focusing on what we think we want with our small minds, which we often fixate on without much reason and based on arbitrary ages and outdated notions of happiness, I think it is better to listen to the universe and follow the path that's laid at your feet. It may take you to uncommon places, it may take you to common ones but the journey will be incredible if you allow it to unfold. Sometimes it's not about finding answers, but facing the ones right in front of you instead. Keep it weird, Readers :) An uncommon life may just surprise you.
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