One thing I have learned in my life is that what I mean when I use a word or a phrase or talk about a concept is not always (and rarely is!) exactly what someone else means or understands when s/he uses the same word, phrase or concept. This is okay and navigable when the stakes are low (for example, I pour your glass of wine to the top of the star marked on the glass instead of the middle of the star...real life drama on Friday night); when the stakes are high, we're in a completely different ball game and there are two outs in the bottom of the ninth, bases are loaded and there's a full count (for example, what do commitment and fulfillment look/feel like in a relationship?). I'm reading a book right now, The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown (look for a future post on this beautiful book), and I cannot convey the relief and excitement I felt when early on in the book she said that she thinks "it's critically important to define the gauzy words that are tossed around every day but rarely explained."
She goes on to say that even though we might disagree on definitions, it's worth the debate for words and concepts that are important to us. The alternative is not discussing them and it is through common language that we better understand others and our selves. I enthusiastically agree with this...and I think it is something that is given short shrift in this day and age because it requires us to look inside ourselves and access, come to terms with and communicate what these sometimes difficult words/feelings/ideas mean to us.
Trust me, this is not an easy task, especially, as I mentioned earlier, when we are talking about emotional issues, issues concerning security and ethical/moral issues/questions. And that's only part of it...after we figure out what we mean, we have to communicate it to another person and that person might not understand or might disagree with us. It's definitely easier to turn on Netflix or uncork a bottle of wine (speaking from experience!!!) and not confront these issues...easier in the moment. When left unaddressed, however, different definitions of words, concepts and ideas can be devastating to relationships and one's sense of self and can end up causing major discord.
The reality is that if we want to grow as people, in our relationships and as communities, confronting and putting the time and energy into engaging with and defining concepts such as love, commitment, peace, work, rest, balance, power, war, trust, faith (the list is endless) is an essential and lifelong process. I find myself wondering if, in an age where the internet and instant gratification reign supreme, our educational institutions are quite often subpar at engaging students in critical thinking, a liberal arts education has been made to look silly and inconsequential in comparison to the almighty business degree and most people are too stressed and "busy" to worry about taking care of themselves let alone confront what "shame" or "compassion" mean/look like, people think about how powerful and defining words and their meanings are in our lives and how casually they are thrown around. The general point I want to make in this post is that it is worth the time and effort to define words and concepts-for our selves, for our relationships and for our communities/society.
I also have four specific examples and ideas I want to address. In my last post on words, one of my focal points was sexist language and its effects on women and girls. I want to add that the negative and diminishing effects do not end there. I cannot begin to estimate the number of times I have heard women complaining their male parter or friend was "acting like a girl/woman". The insinuation in these situations was that the male had expressed insecurity, a feeling of some sort (other than anger...the seemingly only acceptable male emotion) or was being (gasp!) dramatic (i.e. cared about something the woman didn't deem worth caring about).
The damage here is twofold. I've already discussed how these terms minimize women. What I didn't mention and is equally as damaging is the effect this has on men and boys. Attitudes and phrases like these do not allow men/boys to express their emotions and feelings in a safe environment. Attitudes and phrases like these essentially shame men/boys into repressing true feelings and emotions and corralling these feelings and emotions into, as I said before, the only acceptable male emotion...anger. Neither gender is allowed to be whole or be heard when we use sexist, diminishing language.
My second and third specific examples I want to address are the words "just" and "should". I don't remember exactly how I came to this realization...a few years ago I came to the conclusion that putting "just" in front of anything automatically minimizes it. In some cases, that's okay. In others, not so much. Places I've stopped using the words "just" include (though are not limited to): "I just want to thank you..."; "I just feel like..."; "I just want to let you know...". If I am sharing any of these sentiments with anyone, it minimizes me, my feelings, my being, their gifts, their love, our relationship, if I use the word "just". Think about it.
The other is the word "should". I go to group counseling...I've gone to counseling for years, individually and in a group setting. My most recent group session has a guideline that members refrain from using the word(s) "should/shouldn't" and changing the language to "want/don't want". For example, instead of saying "I should talk to my boss about X", say, "I want to talk to my boss about X and I haven't yet because I'm X" or "I don't want to talk to my boss about X".
Using want/don't want in place of should/shouldn't requires we 1) take ownership of our thoughts and actions/inactions and 2) confront the why. There isn't an easy way out and "should" is an easy way out. Additionally, "should" isn't always something we want/don't want...many times it is a societal, familial or any outside entity's mandate or judgment. When we eliminate "should", we begin to discover what WE think, not what someone else thinks.
The fourth concept I wish to address is euphemisms. Don't get me wrong...I'm all for hilarious euphemisms for sex (reference pretty much any Bloodhound Gang song here). That said, I find euphemisms can be quite damaging because using them allows us to hide from, not address or confront, the sometimes brutal reality of a situation. One of the most heinous examples I can think of is the term "collateral damage".
This term is frequently used to refer to HUMAN BEINGS inadvertently killed or injured during a military strike (there are other uses, I am aware). The minimization and reduction of a human life filled with all of the things our human lives are filled with is profane, vile, insulting and ludicrous. I do not care what the justification is...using this term allows all of us to leave the realities of a situation unaddressed and if there is one thing I have learned in my life it is that it is dishonest and damaging to leave these things unaddressed, unaccounted for and EASY. There are a number of other examples of damaging, "easy" euphemisms...my point is that this is a part of our language too often left unanalyzed and undiscussed and too easily accepted.
It is my opinion that it is our responsibility as self aware, responsible, compassionate and evolving human beings in relationship with our selves and one another to engage with, discuss and confront the world of words in which we live. I challenge you to be conscious of this in your conversations and your thoughts. My wish is that we all give the power of words credence in our lives. I would love to hear your thoughts and experiences along any of these lines. Namaste.
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