Part II: Time is Love (aka "The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." ~ Henry David Thoreau)

Ironically, I would not have heard the story of "The Magic Bank Account" had I not learned, and eventually internalized, its message earlier in my life. For me, the learning and the internalization were two very separate events and times in my life. I'd like to take the time to share these moments, and the journeys I went through, with you.

In what seems like a previous life, though this was just five years ago, I pursued my Ph.D. I was in my second year of my Ph.D program and, as such programs seem to necessitate, my life was imbalanced and skewed towards constant work in academia. I had a long term partner at the time-we lived together and his mom and I were close, although she lived out of state.

Near the end of summer (2009), she'd been in the hospital dealing with an infection after a polyp removal and we had just been to see her a couple of weeks earlier, after she came home from the hospital. At the beginning of the fall academic semester, she called me and left a message to call her back-she'd been thinking of me. I felt I was "too busy" to talk at the time and put off calling her back.

Less than a week after she left that message on my voicemail, my partner called me in tears, telling me that his mom, my close friend, who filled motherly roles for me in my life, had died that morning. It was completely unexpected-her hospital stay had not been serious-and there was no indication her death was imminent. Words cannot express my heart wrenching grief, my sense of loss, my anger and my feeling that an unfair amount of time that had been stolen from her and me. Reading back over these words-they seem so impersonal and unexpressive but I know no other way to write them.

It was a long time before I could answer the phone when one of my family members called without feeling panicked and anxious that someone else I loved had been taken from me. She was the first person in my life to die who I was truly close to. I'd experienced death before but not the death of someone close.

I felt like I had emotionally had the wind knocked out of me. The fragility of our human lives became vividly stark. I returned to my Ph.D program and academia a different person-I had learned a lesson. For me the lesson was that there was nothing in my life more important than the people I loved and my relationships with people. There was nothing more important than living my life and loving the people in it, whatever that meant for me at the time and moment I was in. There was nothing more important than relationships and love, period. Of course, this is always tempered with constraints-let's just acknowledge those here and move on. My point is that I had learned what was most important to me and I couldn't go back to being "all in" academia 24/7 at the expense of everything else I cared about. Turns out, this made me a pretty crappy Ph.D student-I didn't care more about academia than my relationships and living my life and it was eventually why I left my Ph.D program with the status ABD (All But Dissertation).

So, like I said earlier, I learned the lesson at this point...and I did make life choices and decisions based on this lesson. I feel I did not truly internalize this lesson (or maybe I needed a reminder) until this spring. I didn't leave academia until Spring 2013. I tried my best to be balanced while I was in academia (this will likely be the topic of another blog or possibly a scathing book) and I truly think this is an impossibility as academia exists today. I still missed trips and weekends with my family and friends.

After I left academia, I was disillusioned and a little in limbo. I patched four part time jobs together and went from there. I ended up doing the same thing to myself. I was so busy being anxious about having enough money (because I was working part time jobs) and running around getting to and from all of my jobs that my life again became imbalanced. Same score, different game.

I was miserable and I was not the person I knew I was. There were times I acted like an asshole to the people I love. I didn't love myself much anymore and I certainly couldn't very well love other people. After what was probably one of the biggest asshole moments of my life, I decided something had to give and it wasn't going to be me or my relationships or the love and beauty I carry inside of me.

I quit two of my part time jobs-I kept my jobs as a barista and a server at a wine bar. Those two jobs allow me to give time and love to people and I receive it in return ten-fold. I have so much more time for myself and the people I love, the people who bring joy and support to my life. I am one of those people-I need time from myself, for myself, too.

I still worry about money sometimes-when those times come, I tell myself that worrying is also depriving me of my precious time here on earth. I

f the time comes that I can't be financially responsible for myself and my wants/needs, I'll figure something else out. I've made it this far.

What I do know is that there are things I won't sacrifice and time for myself and my relationships is one of them. I truly believe the most precious gift we give people is our time and undistracted attention. "The Magic Bank Account" is an impactful and forceful reminder about the two most precious commodities we have-time and love. For me, time is love and if I forget, I hope (I know!) the universe will be there with the proverbial 2x4 upside the head to remind me.

"The price of anything is the amount of life you exchange for it." ~ Henry David Thoreau

It is all too easy to get caught up in the rat race of "busy" and "stress" and measuring our wealth in dollar signs instead of minutes. Changing my perspective and the units I measure wealth in has been positively life changing. We are all richly blessed with the only wealth we truly have-TODAY. This post is dedicated to all of my relationships-no matter the length of the encounter- and the time and love, the veritable wealth, I have given and received. Thank you all for making me blessedly rich.