I have watched my son, who is six, turn into an amazing older brother to my daughter who turns one this week. I'm sometimes in awe of his ability to express care and concern for her. I laugh on the inside when he shushes her gently in the same rhythm and tone that I use. I find myself joyful when I see her light up when he comes down the stairs in the morning. I remember I was horrified when I realized my kids would be so far apart in age. Deployment set us back three years in the family planning department...the year before I knew was going to deploy because if i got pregnant I would never live down the speculation that I did it just to get out of the deployment, the year I was gone for reasons that should be obvious, and the year after I came back when I had a miscarriage and was too stressed to make a safe place for a baby to grow. So when Brooklyn was finally on her way, I remember being concerned about Trevor and how he would adjust to losing only child status. But I have to tell you, it's been amazing. I have worked actively to teach Trevor about what family means and how we need to treat each other. I have talked to him about the role of the older brother but also how we as a family have to work as a team because we all contribute to the well being of the family. How else do children learn what is expected of adults and how to interact with the world? How else do they see what a marriage should look like and how family should treat each other? So many times parents defer that opportunity or go on auto pilot so they are not consciously creating a family. I think it may in part have to do with the fact that way too often people have children for selfish reasons. There is always some element of selfishness in child rearing and there are definitely rewards which are reaped by the parents. There is nothing wrong with experiencing and enjoying those aspects of parenting. If there weren't rewards from parenting the human race would've died out a long time ago. But I think the difference is when people have children to fix parts of themselves or reflect glory upon themselves. I cringe when I hear women who are pregnant say, "Finally someone to love me for me." That's not a child's responsibility. I disagree with parents who think that just because their kid is good at something that means they are somehow wonderful parents. A child's natural talents really have nothing to do with the parents' abilities as parents. The two are not correlated. Period. These beliefs and ideas we have about kids and parenting have caused an erroneous perception about having children in our society. We have begun to think the kids should be there for the parents and not the other way around. What happens though when the child fails to bring the anticipated bliss to the parent? The parent then begins to resent that child and abdicate his or her responsibilities to that child because after all, the child only existed for the parents' glory. This is too huge of a responsibility to place on a child who is emotionally and physically immature. A child is incapable of meeting an adult's emotional needs. Instead, parents need to be there for their kids. I have to wonder if we devoted as much time and energy to building our families as we did in building careers wouldn't things look different? Corporations have mission statements, goals, targets, regular meetings and try to function in a way that promotes the best interest of the entity. People who work at corprorations try to treat each other professionally. Corporate employees work overtime to max their profits. What if we did that for our families? I hear parents speaking to their kids in a way that would get them fired if they spoke that way at work. What if we put that much energy and respect into our relationships? What if we sought a Return on Investment (ROI) from our relationships just like in the corporate world? What if we maximized profits by investing in our families? This would require a joint mission, goals, family meetings....and time and dedication. In this country we can build multibillion dollar corporations but our families are falling apart. We know how to build a successful entity that generates profits and rewards. We just don't apply it outside the corporate context. If we applied similar dedication to our families, I have to think our kids would be better adjusted and our relationships would be stronger. Show me where you spend your time and I will tell you what your priorities are. Where are you getting a ROI? If it's not your family, should it be?
