From Starving to Striving

Me during my senior year and at the height of my eating dissorder (right).

Every girl wants to have the perfect body. Whether it is curves, a thigh gap, or a washboard stomach; we all have our perception of what we think we should look like. Media has us all confused. On one page of a magazine we see a plus sized female telling us all to embrace the way we look, while a flip of the page brings us to a small petite woman demonstrating different exercises to achieve the beloved “thigh gap.” This can make us question our standards, and lead us to becoming obsessed with analyzing our bodies and standing in front of mirrors grabbing ourselves in multiple places, pulling in different directions, trying to get an idea of what we would look like if we lost that little bit of fat around our waist. It’s a vicious cycle, and we all do it.

 

Growing up, I had always been a little “bigger.” I never was abnormally overweight or obese, but I was always a little on the heavy side. I would get spurts of motivation of working out but would always fall out, causing me to put weight back on and becoming upset every. single. time. Of course, my family and friends would all rebuttal my comments with, “You are NOT fat” and “You are far from what you think you look like.” No matter what they said, I would still never be comfortable in my own skin. I was never happy with what I saw in the mirror.

 

The summer after my sophomore year of high school, I started to talk see a guy, and over the next year we were kind of dating on and off. I would hear rumors going around of the new girl he was talking to, and it was usually the same girl every time we were in our “off” stage. Every time it happened, I would think, “It’s probably because she’s so much prettier than me,” or “She’s really skinny.” I would torture myself with these thoughts. One of the times that this happened, I did not take it well at all. I overheard some girls talking about it, and heard them saying something similar along the lines of those exact thoughts I was having. This sent me into a major outrage, and I was determined to change myself to show him I could be the same way.

 

Over the next few months, I worked out every single day and made sure that my diet contained no fast foods or unhealthy products. People took notice, and I would get comments such as, “You look so good!” and “Have you been working out?” I was so excited that my hard work was paying off. Soon enough, my boyfriend and I had gotten back together and he had even asked me to prom. I was so excited with my found love for fitness, and I was determined to keep it going.

Over the summer, I finished the well-known workout series called Insanity. Although it is a great program for those who are looking to drop some weight, I really wish I would have never came across it.

 

Over the summer, I dropped 40 pounds, and had become unrecognizable. My legs had lost their curves and had become sticks, and below my eyes were dark circles. The “You look so good!”s had ceased and I just got stares. At the beginning of my senior year, there were many rumors going around saying that I had been taking Adderall or doing drugs in order to lose weight. These rumors really hurt my self esteem, but I wasn’t going to let it affect me. I thought that I looked good, and I was going to keep on doing what I was doing. This is where my life quickly turned to a downward spiral.

 

On average, I would run 4 or 5 miles almost every single day. Although many other people in the world do this or run even more, I was not eating the amount of food my body needed to be in homeostasis. I dropped even more weight, and people took notice. I would get called into my counselor’s office because teachers would voice their concern. I was always cold, and I now know that it was because I did not have a sufficient amount of body fat, but at the time I thought there might be something going on in my body. I went to the doctor to get a total blood count, and when I got called back to the doctor’s office, he could not believe the amount of weight I had lost, but not in the good way. He was very concerned, and I had scheduled office visits every other week for a weigh in. I always was trying to convince him, my friends, my family, and even myself, that I was truly trying to gain weight. But deep down, I knew that I had a problem. I was deathly scared of gaining even a pound, although I was at an imperceptible 98 pounds.

 

I also began to see a nutritionist that was friends with my mom, Miranda Reinhardt, at the Ottawa, Illinois YMCA. Although I had never met this woman before in my life, I could tell from the first moment that I talked to her that this was somebody that cared about her clients. I continued to have sporadic visits with Miranda, and I loved going to see her. Even today, I still keep in touch with her and shoot her a text every now and then whether to say hi or a question about nutrition. Without her, I would not be where I am today.

 

As the new 2013 year came around, I become seriously depressed. No matter how hard my boyfriend tried to make me happy, I was always sad. I couldn’t find joy in the things that I used to find joy in, unless I was running. I struggled with the idea of eating, and would not eat if anyone were around me. I specifically remember one afternoon I had just got done running outside at a nearby lake (after running on a treadmill at the YMCA), and had drove home to have a post-workout snack. When I got to the corner of my house, I noticed that my mom’s car was still in the driveway. I thought that she would have already left for work. In order to avoid eating my small snack in front of her, I drove around town for about twenty minutes, crying, until she had left. I felt so guilty after eating ANTYHING remotely “unhealthy.” My mom would offer me a bite of her cookie, and I wouldn’t even take that. I would eat a small cookie and would dwell on my feelings of guilt.

 

I loved my friends and family, I hated life. I loved food, I hated food. I loved working out, I hated working out. I loved seeing Miranda, I hated talking to Miranda. It was a constant battle of love and hate. Eventually, my boyfriend couldn’t take my changed personality. He knew I wasn’t happy, and he felt that he wasn’t enough. Eventually, we broke up, and I hated life even more.

At the time, I would have denied having an eating disorder. I knew I had a problem, but I couldn’t convince myself that it was an eating disorder. Today, I can say that I suffered from EDNOS, an Eating Disorder Not Otherwised Specified. Many people had their suspicions, and many of my friends and family defended and stood up for me. For those of you that did, I’m very sorry and I hope you don’t feel betrayed.

 

I’m not sure what it was that made me change, but after graduation I stopped running. I began lifting weights and slowly put back on all my weight. I started hearing, “You look so good!” again, but this time I knew it was sincere. I began to look like a healthy teenaged woman again, and not deathly ill.

Today, I am comfortable with myself, and even though there are things on my body that need improvement, I am fine with how they are, and continue to work on what I want to change. Since coming to college, I’ve learned to accept myself for who I am. The world is not going to end if I miss a day at the gym, and I’m not going to gain 10 pounds from eating some ice cream at lunch.

 

Whenever I am having negative thoughts about my body, my roommate is always there to convince me otherwise, and I’m reminded of how far I’ve come. This past January, I joined a crossfit gym here in Iowa City, and have met numerous people who are working at the same thing I am: bettering my self, body and mind. One particular person that I met through crossfit, Krissie Alesch, who actually is the person that I am blogging for, has been one of my biggest motivators and a good friend. Her, along with everybody else in my gym, have helped me accept my flaws and myself, and inspire me to reach for my goals every single day.

 

When I started my journey, I weighed 146 pounds. During my journey, my lowest weight was 98 pounds. Today, I weigh 155 pounds. I would take this over being my senior year self any day. Although this story was very hard for me to share, I wanted to do so to inspire others and help others who may be in the same boat as I was. Body image is a topic that needs to be addressed among young woman. Everybody is different, and no two bodies are going to be the same. Do not compare yourself to the Victora’s Secret model on TV, the body builder in the magazine, or the beauty queen that you sit next to in class. The only person you need to compare yourself to is the old you, and focus on bettering yourself, body and mind.

Before I go, I wanted to thank all of my friends and family who have supported me through this rough time. I’m sorry that you spent all of your time defending me when I was suffering all along, but I couldn’t have came out of this without you guys. The very last thing that I want to say is to other women who may be suffering from any type of eating disorder: You are not alone. There are people who care about you and want to see you succeed. Remember, a journey of 1000 miles begins with a first step.

-Written by: Shelby Straughn
                     Age 19
                     Freshmen at the University of Iowa

Me as of today: Heavier, healthier and STRONGER