Cycling During COVID - a PSA for 2020 and Beyond

Hi, friends! As has been thought about and stated more eloquently by others, 2020 has been kind of like a video game (or at least the ones I remember, like Mario Brothers) - we get through one level, only to graduate to a more difficult level. Along the way, we have also been fortunate enough and grateful enough to realize that we have picked up some clutch tools, helpful friends, and unforeseen gifts that have helped us confront the next level.

One way people have been able to "level up" is by engaging in new hobbies. New hobbies that often result in the tools, friends, and gifts mentioned above. One of those hobbies or experiences is cycling - even now, bicycle shops struggle to keep merchandise on the shelves. And no wonder - biking is a great way to be outside, social distance, get exercise, and have fun. I am all for it - we have known for a long time people need to be more active and if the COVID-19 pandemic is helping people realize that, great! I personally love biking and have been doing it for about 10 years.

So...please keep that in mind as you read on. I decided to write a blog on this topic because I reasoned there had to be something more I could do besides bitch on the trail every time I go biking. What do I bitch about? I bitch about what I call the COVID bikers (not very nice, I know). COVID bikers are people who started biking because of the COVID-19 pandemic. And in the midst of my bitching, I try to have some grace because I truly know they are out trying to get through this like we all are and aren't intentionally trying to be annoying, at the least, and dangerous, at the worst.

That brings me to the PSA purpose of this blog. The following are things everyone who is biking on trails, sidewalks, or roads needs to know. Not just because I get annoyed but because it is truly life threatening to yourself and others to willfully or ignorantly disregard the following rules of bicycle etiquette. Please read and implement these if you are getting on a bike!

1) MOST IMPORTANT - do not get on a bike without a helmet. I don't care if you think it looks dorky, it's going to mess your hair up, or whatever other inadequate excuse you might come up with. This is non-negotiable and is lifesaving. If you have kids, get them helmets, even if they are "only" on balance bikes. They need to get used to it and know it's important. And if you're biking with your kids, wear one so they see it is important. They take their cues from you and if you don't wear one while telling them it's important for them...well, that's about as effective as the old "Do as I say, not as I do" hypocrisy. Wearing a helmet reduces the risk of traumatic brain injury and death in the event of an accident. It doesn't take a very high speed to suffer severe head trauma or death. Even riding a short distance - you don't know what someone else is going to do or what might happen. It's foolish to chance it. I'll say it again - helmets are non-negotiable.

2) When riding on a bike trail, it is critical to communicate with other people using the trail, whether they are riding, walking, running, rollerblading, or blowing bubbles. Since bikes don't have blinkers, cyclists rely on hand signals and verbal communication. Again, this is not only to protect others, it also protects you. It's great if you want to use the traffic hand signals we all learned in driver's ed back in the day - however, merely pointing with an outstretched arm to communicate a turn gets the job done. Let people know you are turning. If there are people behind you and you are going to slow down, get off the trail, or come to a stop, verbalize all of these actions by saying, "Slowing", "Biker off", or "Stopping". Letting others know what you are doing prevents things like another bike slamming into you because they didn't know you were stopping or running into you because they didn't realize you were taking that right.

3) In the same vein of communication, when you pass someone from behind, whether it's another biker or someone walking or running on the trail (just when you're passing anyone, regardless of what they are doing),

pass them on the left and verbally say, "On your left." Always pass on the left and always let someone know you are passing them. Again, letting someone know you're there and passing them prevents them from coming out in front of you and causing a collision. By the same token, when you are riding or walking on the trail, stay to the middle or the right and if you're not already to the right when someone let's you know they're on your left, move to the right.

4) If you have to stop on the trail for anything (beer, more beer, or something else), get off the trail. Do not leave all or part of your bike on the trail...or anything for that matter, including yourself. Also, refer to number two above and hopefully you already communicated "Biker off" in your rush to get to the beer.

5) If you are riding with another person or a group, when you encounter someone coming or going either way, ride single file. The trails are not wide enough for three and the crowding creates an unnecessary risk if someone were to swerve even a tiny bit. I know you might think your story about that hottie is of utmost importance but it will wait until you pass people safely.

6) This is another non-negotiable. If you are going to ride at dusk or night, or if there is any chance that you will be riding at dusk or night (remember all those beers?) you need a headlight and a taillight for your bike. Again, this is for both others and yourself. The other night we were riding home and we had lights on...it was still extremely hard to see a group of eight cyclists coming toward us. It was pretty scary because it was around a curve, as well. If you don't have lights on, especially on the tree covered trails, you are not going to be seen. This could cause a collision a number of ways. Both headlights and taillights protect you from cars, also...most of us have to get off the trail at some point to get home. This is a common sense safety precaution and it's plain rude not to have lights.

These are the basics. Biking is a great sport and I've met and bonded with some great friends on bikes. We are glad you're out there. We hope you stay on your bikes even in life after COVID. We want you to do it safely and keep us safe while you're doing it. Then we can all continue to enjoy those beers. Cheers, enjoy the ride, and stay safe (I really want to say, stay sexy and don't get murdered!).

An Open Letter to 2020

Dear 2020,

I wanted to write you this letter to let you know how I feel about you.  You have been the oddest year I have ever lived through in my life to date and that is saying something because I have had some pretty odd years.  I know everyone wants to trash you and tell you how terrible you have been to us.  And yes, I agree, I would like to tell you off most days as only a real asshole can.  I would like to tell you about all of the stress you have caused – Kobe Bryant’s death, the pandemic, George Floyd protests, an explosion in Beirut and now some freak storm in Iowa that took my relatively new trampoline and utterly shredded it. You cancelled sports which means that for the first time in 12 years, my sister, Molly, and my best friend, Krissi, won’t be meeting up for our annual Cubs weekend in Chicago.  Do you realize that not even a deployment to Afghanistan stopped us from making that trip happen? You really deserve a big fuck you, but I can’t quite make myself say that to you. 

Why is that?  Because you have also been an incredibly eye-opening year.  I have gotten to spend more time with my children and family than ever before.  It has not always been good or easy but we had time to do things together we would not have had if they had been in school.  I taught them how to bake homemade bread, we went through their baby pictures and started their scrapbooks.  We tried geocaching and painted ceramics.  My entire family got to hang out in Cape Cod together.  Before the pandemic, one of the sisters had plans and was not going to be able to make the trip.  Thanks to COVID-19, however, the plans she had were cancelled and she was able to attend which made it really cool that all five sisters and our divorced parents were together for an entire week long shit show. I no longer watch TV for a variety of reasons.  I was able to fully move on from a prior relationship and start over in a new house that feels like home to me now.  I have had time to address some things I had been putting off.  I became a pet owner for the first time.  I was able to get to know my family better through a text message chain we started where we all had to answer a question of the day.  I have had to rely upon my family for help more, including having my dad come over to kill a spider in a moment of true crisis.  You have made me slow down and reflect, and as a result, I have realized some things about myself that I need to change or adjust.  I think a lot of us had to explore new hobbies and have reconnected to the outdoors.  I have learned to laugh again and experience joy – emotions that in the past had escaped me because I was too busy or too stressed.  All of these good things can sometimes seem small in comparison to the negative things you have brought but the good things are there if we look for them.  

So you see, I cannot completely despise you.  Part of me respects your don’t give a shit attitude.  I admire how you have shaken things up and given us all a wake-up call to varying degrees on varying topics.  Part of me wishes you didn’t need to be so damned heavy-handed but as a fellow asshole, I sort of get it.  I don’t know what the rest of your reign will bring.  Perhaps it will be calm or it might be tumultuous.  What I do know, is that nothing is all good or all bad and you are no different.  Whatever happens in the next four months, I know we will deal with it and come out stronger and hopefully, kinder, on the other side.  You are like that teacher that no one wants to take his or her class because it is so hard and so much work.  But like those classes, perhaps we will find we have learned the most from you. I hope we have learned the lessons you wanted us to learn.   I only have one simple request.  As you leave us and 2021 takes over, please do not give 2021 any pointers.  

Staycation: All I ever wanted!

Hello everyone! We are back from a bit of a summer hiatus! Well, truth be told, I, Molly, am back from a summer hiatus…it has been my “turn” on the blog since about the 4^th of July but somehow even during a pandemic we have been (probably overly) busy. Thank you for understanding our absence! I actually had a really long blog written about what we have been up to for the month of July but then I decided to spare all the details and just share some pictures and a couple of bits of wisdom I learned from my 7-year-old niece and 4-year-old son.


Prior to COVID, we had planned the month of July to be full of vacations and family time since I would have just returned from Annual Training where I would have been away for two weeks. Annual Training did not happen as it was originally planned and neither did most of our vacations…


For the 4^th of July, we had planned to go to the Catskills like we usually do but we ended up driving almost 7 hours to visit Larry’s cousin, his wife, and their daughter in Massena, New York, which is only separated by the St. Lawrence River from Canada. It was absolutely beautiful and we had a wonderful time. Here is a pic of me and the kids (Daddy was fishing) at the Eisenhower Locks (which are fascinating if you have time to read about them!): 

We had a couple of days back at home and then we had a vacation planned with my family down in Hyannis. We rented a huge house near the Kennedy Compound, visited the National Seashore, went on a lighthouse tour and whale watch, etc. It solidified our family’s love for the Cape. Yes, my family came all the way from Iowa before the current quarantine mandate but we followed every recommended safety precaution. Please do not travel shame us – we would be happy to discuss different points of view but that is not the point of this blog. Here is a pic of all of us in our Cape shirts that we had made. This was taken after an awesome beach day at Craigville Beach. We all look burnt and exhausted but also filled with so much love (and homemade burritos):

Finally, about a week later, we had a “staycation” with Larry’s parents, his brother and sister-in-law, and their two children. Similar to the 4^th of July, we originally planned to go to the Catskills but ended up just staying local in Stoughton. Although I love traveling, the song that was going through my head for this week was “staycation: all I ever wanted…!” It was so nice having the comforts of home but also being able to do things we wouldn’t normally do like visiting local beaches, the zoo, spending days playing in the backyard, having dinner meals at home together, etc. Here is a picture of LJ and Adeline with their cousins:

Anyway, now to the bits of wisdom:


1)  After our Hyannis vacation, we had a day back at our house in Stoughton before my Iowa family had to fly out the next day. We basically did nothing after driving back from the Cape in the morning. We had lunch, we played a couple board games with the kids, sat around together in our living room, and then spent a good portion of the afternoon running foot races around the house, which is LJ’s newest passion (he likes me to time him on his watch – ha!). Anyway, the next day my niece commented on how it was such a busy and fun day. I asked her if it was as fun as spending our days at the beach at the Cape and she said that it was even more fun! It was surprising to me because I had considered the day somewhat of a “wasted” day.


2)  After back to back outings during our Stoughton “staycation” of the beach and the zoo, LJ said to me unprompted, “Mama, I really like special days but I didn’t get to just play with Taylor (his cousin).”


 MORAL(s) OF THE STORIES: You don’t have to go far for fun. Sometimes the best adventures are right outside in your own backyard. Often as parents we have almost an anxiety to give our children ALL the experiences and travel that we maybe had or did not have as children growing up. And adults can sometimes use travel as a way to “get away” from a place, a life, or a home with which they are not comfortable and drag their kids along in the process justifying it by saying they are giving their kids experiences. I think it is important to remember, myself included, that kids are often happy with the most simple of things such as being in their own home, running races in a backyard or getting plenty of free play time with their siblings and cousins.

To Unfriend or Not Unfriend: That is The Question

Well, let me just start by stating the obvious: 2020 has been one hell of a year. Between impeachment proceedings, an ongoing pandemic, and advocacy for dismantling systemic racism; the year has been full of intense trials.

There are several topics within each of these momentous events, and Dissident Daughters has written a couple of posts about them. Additionally, there are numerous other thoughtful individuals that have written, stated, filmed, protested, and discussed these ongoing issues. Today, however, I want to write about our social media engagement regarding challenging events.

First, let me be clear that these issues are literally life and death issues. They are of utmost importance because of the profound implications they have on people’s lives. I do not underestimate their significance, prevalence, or proliferation.

Nevertheless, what I DO have mixed feelings about is how we engage with them on social media. I have numerous posts I would like to write regarding our social media engagement with intense topics, but today, I want to discuss the following subject:

Unfriending someone who does not agree with us.

In the last couple of months, I have seen several people vocalize their “unfriending” of people on social media. For example, I saw a couple of my friends profess this dissolution on a contentious post about Iowa reopening from the pandemic. Another time, I saw someone post a Facebook status and declared that if someone did not agree, they could go ahead and unfriend them. Zero effs- either you are on my train, or unfriend me and get the rock off. 

On the one hand, I understand this need to “unfriend.” Sometimes we need to set boundaries for our own mental health, and if seeing someone’s views is detrimental to our well-being, we may need to unfriend them. Moreover, I completely understand that these are “life and death” issues on multiple levels. So, to see someone disagree with us feels like a slap in the face to what we view as foundational, life-giving truths.  We unfriend them not only because of our mental health, but because staying friends with them seems as though we are endorsing their profoundly hurtful views.

I don’t unfriend many people, but I definitely have selectively unfriended people before. One of them happened just a couple of months ago for a very painful reason. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that I needed to unfriend this person for all of the reasons enumerated above and then some. I’ve experienced the need- and bittersweet relief- of unfriending someone on social media.

However….(and there is always a however!), unfriending someone simply doesn’t always sit well with me. Here’s why:

Let’s say that hypothetically, your viewpoint is the correct one in terms of it being more informed and ethical. I’m not going to go into a philosophical debate about what constitutes truth here. Regardless, let’s just say that hypothetically, you ARE more correct with your viewpoint than this other person on social media. As much as one person can be correct with all of life’s complexity, you are the winner compared to this other individual.

…Does that necessarily mean you should unfriend the person? If they disagree with your statuses, memes, and truths? Well, even if you are the one with the more “correct,” viewpoint, I STILL think it’s important to hear other people. No, I don’t think we should privilege these voices (we definitely need to do better at privileging the voices of marginalized groups), but I think we should still hear other people, particularly the ones that have made their way onto our social media friend list. I think we should hear them because a) they are still another human being that deserves the dignity of being acknowledged as such; and b) the more we hear other voices, the more we understand WHY people have the viewpoints they do. For example, I sure as hell don’t agree with people that espouse racist viewpoints, but if we want to address racism, we need to understand what those views are and why they continue to be promulgated. Finally- and I know this final reason is a bit idealistic, but I hold onto it nonetheless- I still believe there is the possibility that we can be somewhat changed by each other’s views (if it happens in the right circumstances. News flash: posting memes doesn’t change jack squat). I simply don’t think that any of us possess ALL of the truth, and we learn a little bit more about the world by hearing each other’s experience.

Let me give an example. As many of you know, my full-time career is with hospice as a grief counselor. I was visiting with a woman recently who lost her spouse in May. And talking with her was definitely a challenge because she was very angry about the protests that occurred after George Floyd’s death. It was an incredibly difficult situation because I had to walk the line of 1) not endorsing or promoting racist statements; 2) also needing to hear her story and her pain.  

The reason the woman was so hurt and angry was because of the extreme number of people that congregated together to protest George Floyd’s death and systemic racism. She was in tears because they were able to be together in mass numbers, whereas when her husband died, she was only allowed to have 9 other people present to witness his life.

I felt tears start to gather in my own eyes as she described the lack of honoring her husband’s legacy, and the crippling loneliness that ensued due to contact restrictions from the pandemic. “Why, Anne, couldn’t I also have people present to honor my husband? That seems only fair to me. They are able to get together, so I should be able to have people together. Now I’m stuck here, all alone, just waiting for myself to die.” She was shaking as she described how unfair it was that suddenly mass gatherings were okay for that cause, but for her husband, she could only have a few other people around to celebrate his 80 years and their 50+ years of marriage.  

What on earth do we do with this? I wholeheartedly support the protests, and systemic racism is a FACT in this country. And yet, this woman’s pain, loneliness, and desire to be heard is also incredibly real. I did the best I could. I validated her feelings of pain and loneliness, as well as how incredibly unfair it was that she was not able to be surrounded with support. Additionally, I did state that the protests were legitimate and needed to occur as a means of deconstructing systemic power imbalances. I tried to uphold BOTH truths at once, and I did not pit or compare them to one another. I did also mention that in addition to protesters wearing masks and gathering outside, I thought it followed that a similar model could- and should- be replicated with graveside services.

Did I handle this perfectly? Probably not. This stuff is complex. I’m sure I effed up somewhere. Did I do my best? Yes, I did. I did my best to honor my ethics surrounding oppression, AND I did my best to honor my ethics of acknowledging the person before me as a human being made in the image of God. It was a difficult line to walk.

But I am SO grateful for experiences like this one because they force me to continue to expand my own worldview. Did I change my views on the protests/racism? No, I did not. But I DID hear another person’s perspective and the pain they felt in what they perceived as a double standard. And she DID have some points to consider. Again, let me be clear- I firmly stand behind the protests. But what criteria am I (and others) using to legitimize mass gatherings? Advocating for the deconstruction of systemic racism is incredibly time sensitive because of all of the deaths caused through unequal access to health care, police force brutality, etc. They definitely needed to happen. But…is grieving the death of a loved one also time sensitive? Is gathering with loved ones after devastating loss also a necessary and life-giving need? I would say yes. Both are necessary, but for very different reasons.

I was changed by my encounter with this woman, and I hope she was changed too. I hope she felt heard, and I hope she reconsidered some of the perspectives she had about the protests. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t. But I was different. 

Ultimately, I give this example to illustrate how integral it is that we don’t always dump people as friends on social media. There can be truth within their viewpoints, even if parts of them may sometimes be fundamentally wrong or unhelpful.

I don’t have clear guidelines or an answer about when we should keep people as friends on social media versus when we should unfriend them. What I want to do with this post, however, is to encourage you to be incredibly reflective before you unfriend someone on social media. Remember, the person you are unfriending is a real, live human being. I am fearful with our consumerist ways that we ditch people the same way we ditch coffee cups, fast fashion, and disposable wipes. They are an inconvenience to us, they bother us, and so we remove them from our lives so we do not have to deal with them.

This, too, is dangerous. It desensitizes us to other people as human beings, and it also cultivates an insular community in which we continually only see ourselves looking back at us. Diversity and loving others doesn’t just mean loving marginalized group. Diversity and loving others also means loving people that possess broken and flawed truths.

Sometimes we need to unfriend someone. Other times we don’t. Take the time to deeply reflect upon it when you make the decision.

Lost in the Desert

Hey everyone! It’s me and I’m late on the blog this week. Time has and continues to keep slipping away from me nowadays. We’re kind of in that weird state here where 60% of people and businesses are back to their new normal, while the other 40% of people and business are caught in the quarantine purgatory. The 40% is not yet able to work at the office, but other businesses are starting to open, so it feels like life has kind of resumed normally, but behind a Zoom screen still. Anyway, that’s not what I will be posting about this week, but felt the need to explain my lateness to you all J.

Recently I went on a hike with one of my roommates, Julia B. I’ve known Julia for two years now and we have always had meaningful and thought provoking conversations, and recently due to the quarantine, our communication and time together has picked up as a result of having a lot of it to spare. Julia’s and my conversations are usually centered around love, life, challenges, books, beauty, sadness and any other emotion in the novel of life you can think of. Julia tends to push my thinking around vulnerability and I tend to push her thinking around being.

On the most recent hike, which I mentioned in the previous paragraph, Julia voiced to me that she had the desire to and felt the calling to spend some time in the desert. I inquired a little further to find out that metaphorically, she currently feels like she’s lost in the desert. She painted the following picture for me:

Julia- I’m sitting in the desert and not sure which way to go.

Kristen- Is this a temporary destination or a permanent one?

Julia- Temporary, for sure.

Kristen- What are you looking for? There’s a lot of vastness in the desert.

Julia- I think I’m looking for the oasis.

Kristen- What do you want to do there?

Julia- Be and drink the water, but only temporarily.

Kristen- Okay, and then what? What do you do once that objective has been accomplished?

Julia- Then, I keep looking for civilization.

Kristen- Okay, what are you hoping civilization brings to you?

Julia- Belonging and purpose.

I appreciated Julia’s description of being lost in the desert, as I too have been there a few times in my life. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all intentionally or unintentionally flirted with the vastness of the desert before (moving, ending a relationship, starting a new job, grieving a death, having a child, not knowing what’s next for us, etc.). I think that it’s so easy to want to fix and fast forward through these uncomfortable and uncertain situations, as we so badly long to find out what’s next and when the uncertainty is going to end. We want to jump to our next destination to avoid the realness and rawness of our current one, and we think that reaching our next destination will make us feel validated, safe and purposeful; we think we will feel better if x thing ends.

I’m here to tell you all that reaching civilization will not bring you belonging and purpose. We do not grow as humans, nor become the best versions of ourselves by fast forwarding to where we’re going. It’s the shit we experience along the way that molds and shapes us into who we want and are meant to be. It's in the heartache, death, sadness, despair, lostness and stillness that we find meaning and connection. Perhaps finding civilization is not where we find our belonging and purpose, but rather where we use and share the belonging and purpose we found on our way there.

Light and Love

I wanted to share this article, titled "My White Friend Asked Me on Facebook to Explain White Privilege. I Decided to Be Honest."

I've been thinking all week about how to write about what I want to write about and acknowledge. I haven't come up with a good way yet and it's getting toward the end of my week to post. I considered skipping my week and avoiding it (thank you, ineffective coping mechanism that has gotten me this far in life!). As I've learned in yoga and through some hard life lessons, it's about showing up, making progress, and grace...not perfection...so here it goes.

I want to talk about the horrible murder of George Floyd, Jr. on May 25, 2020. I want to confront the abhorrent racism present in this country - both the covert, institutionalized, socialized racism and the overt, violent (both in words and deeds) racism - which have existed since this country's inception and have been nurtured and allowed to thrive within the past four years under the "leadership" (haha!) of President Trump. I also feel that by talking about how I feel and what I think takes away from the people right now who are fighting to be heard and seen and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be another white person writing about this - and yet here I am - because I am sad and my heart hurts for people and I don't know what else to do. I'm going to make a mess and I hope that it's okay if I stumble and fall, as long as I'm trying to do and be better.

Wednesday in yoga, our instructor asked us to get out of our comfort zones in class...to challenge ourselves. He made the point that growth does not occur in a place of routine comfort (in our recliners with a drink in our hand) - growth is a result of discomfort. When he asked us to set an intention, the words "LIGHT and LOVE" popped into my head. I didn't really know why.

Then, towards the middle of class, he also said that part of growth is being willing to shine a light into the dark corners of our lives...and to look at them...and to look at them without judgment. Just look at them and acknowledge them and, maybe, if we believe (as I do) that our main purposes here in this world are to better love ourselves and others and to grow in our beautifully flawed humanness, maybe we make some changes.

It was then that I knew what light and love meant for me in my intention and that it pertains to Black Lives Matter, white privilege, inclusion, and diversity, and all the things I still don't know about that I should include here. I want to be better. I want to learn what those things are.

I want to read the things I need to read, hear the things I need to hear, and support the people and organizations I need to support. As with anything, putting action in place of intention might (will) be messy. I will probably fuck some things up. Say something it's not my place to say, think I understand something when I really have no clue, miss an opportunity for growth or action.

That is where the love comes in...shining the light with love means that when I fuck up, I acknowledge said fuck up, make amends, and do better next time...all without berating myself for not knowing something I am trying to learn. When there is judgment and love is absent, it becomes less likely that I, or anyone else, will continue to shine light on our dark corners...and that is what we need to keep doing to make ourselves and our communities better than they are now.

I have committed to trying to do better and be better for Black Lives Matter, for black people, for all organizations working for the same thing, and for all people who live inside our racist system. It's going to be messy - I'm sure I already fucked up one (or ten) things up with this post. Please be patient with me - shine the light on my dark corners and do it with love and we can grow together. Thank you for allowing me this space and opportunity to have my voice heard, to learn from all of you, to share community with you. Thank you for letting me be messy.

Liberty and Justice for Some

Hi! I’m writing this and listening to Counting Crows. Seriously, who remembers that band?! I just don’t have much to say these days. I don’t know what it is. I feel muted, slightly disconnected and just way too calm. 2020 has just been one weird year and I guess it has also left me feeling a bit off. What isn’t off right now? I’m going to try to tap into some anger so I can write something compelling but I’m not sure if I can even get my go-to emotion activated  right now. Wait, give me a minute. Yep, there it is. So here we go.

I’m disgusted by the George Floyd situation. Absolutely disgusted by a culture that protects and polices its own. You see, we are awful at seeing the truth when it comes to our friends or people we know. It doesn’t align with what we know of the person, and so our brain looks for ways to make the information make sense. Hence, we don’t believe it could happen, and our brain convinces us it did not happen. I don’t know all the deets of the officer that held his knee to a man’s throat for 8 minutes for writing a bad check. I do know he had other complaints against him. I don’t know the particulars but in other contexts, we might call that a pattern. But, internal justice systems are dysfunctional and so it doesn’t surprise me none of the complaints were found to be valid. Not one bit. 

It triggers the shit out of me because of my time in the military. Now that I’m officially retired I can write with a bit more freedom. I’ll tell you that the last two years of my career were spent fighting against such a culture. You see, at least in male dominated professions, this internal policing is done by men, for men and benefits men. I can’t count how many times, when dealing with an allegation of sexual assault, I heard some male say, “ He wouldn’t do that, he is a nice guy.” I would spout off some research or use the example that being a nice guy was exactly what enabled them to take advantage of a person and it would fall on deaf ears or I’d be written off as crazy and emotional. Most of the time, there wasn’t enough “evidence” to do anything to the perpetrator so the victim simply left the Army. And the man would still be in and get promoted.  But hey, he was a good guy so I’m sure he wouldn’t do it again ( sarcasm here). So, what recourse does one have against such systemic failure?Well, in the Army you can file an Inspector General (IG) complaint. For police there is Internal Affairs. Yet these sub-organizations are designed to give the member of the organization the benefit of the doubt. In the Army, unless something violates a black and white rule, an IG complaint won’t be founded. It doesn’t matter how unethical or immoral an act is. Most people don’t know this about these internal justice systems. But I lived it and gave up my career because of it. You see, I filed an IG complaint regarding the handling of sexual assault cases in the Iowa Army National Guard. There. Now everyone knows or can have it confirmed. I filed it in May of 2017. I also filed a Congressional Inquiry with Senator Ernst’s office. And then I waited. It took two years for the investigation to even begin. Apparently, no one knew who was supposed to investigate it so it went untouched. Finally, when someone picked it up off the desk it had been gathering dust on, they sent it back to Iowa-the very organization that the allegation was against- to investigate. So the Iowa National Guard leadership and Command knew a complaint had been filed and they were bound and determined to find out who did it. During those two years and beyond, I lived in absolute fear of being found out. I stopped sleeping. I had panic attacks whenever it was brought up. During those two years, more women were assaulted only to have their complaints be lost on someone’s desk or deemed unfounded. And during those two years, I slowly felt parts of myself die. I called and tried to retract my complaint because I just needed it to be over. That was not allowed apparently. Then, I got calls from 5 different people over the course of six months, as the turd of a complaint that was filed by a real asshole was being passed around because no one knew what to do with it. I had to tell the story 5 different times, and each time, it became harder and harder to have any hope or faith. Honestly, it revictimized me every time I had to re-tell what was happening.  Eventually, even though my complaint was supposed to be anonymous, someone in the IG office fucked up and emailed the Command’s attorney using the term the “Finken Complaint.” And just like that I was outed. I was threatened. I was treated poorly. I was shunned. But it didn’t rise to actionable retaliation.  And after over two years, I could not take it anymore. I retired to save the little pieces of me I had left. I still don’t know what happened with the complaint or if it was founded. I know Iowa changed how they investigated sexual assaults after that but it didn’t help me, nor did it help anyone who made an allegation prior to 2019. Countless women, including me, are no longer in the military. Countless men, with allegations of harassment and assault, remain in the ranks. So did I win? No, I don’t think I did. 

The police force is much like the military. I haven’t worked as a police officer but I do believe they have similar, parallel issues. I have seen calls for an independent review board to review police brutality allegations. Senator Gillebrand tried something similar for the military since we were botching so many sexual assault cases but big surprise, the military opposed it and the bill did not pass. I fear the same thing will happen with a police independent review board. 

 Basically, after experiencing all of this,  it doesn’t surprise me bad cops are protected. I’m sure they are “good guys.” Here is what we need to remember though. Good guys can still do bad things. No one is all good or all bad. Who you see at work can be different than who you see at home. Sometimes, the scariest person isn’t the devil you don’t know-it’s the one you do know and trust. I’m sure the cops in the Floyd case did many good things. It doesn’t mean, however, that they are incapable of doing bad things on occasion. Binary thinking is easy for us-good and bad, right and wrong. But it’s a mental shortcut that I don’t think we can continue to take in a complex world with very wicked problems.