Approximately one year ago, I wrote and posted a blog referencing an excerpt from Glennon Doyle's book Untamed. The post talked about how we are all born to be goddamn cheetahs running free in the wild, but throughout our lives and various experiences, society tames us. We then end up being these beautiful creatures, trapped behind bars, not utilizing our talents and capabilities to our fullest potentials, and we simply fantasize or not ever know what running free in the jungle truly feels like. In honor of writing that post almost one year ago, I would like to reflect on the ways I have #untamed myself, as well as the ways I am still tamed.
Here are the ways I have become #untamed:
1) I pursued a love interest for like the first time ever. I said goodbye to emotionally unavailable married men and confronted my fear of intimacy and abandonment for the first time in 27 years. I got to know someone, and am still getting to know someone, on a deeper level. I'd be lying to you if I said it wasn't terrifying. I'd also be lying to you if I said I didn't feel the most alive I ever have in my short 28 years of life.
2) This love interest I pursued was first a friend and is now my girlfriend of almost, believe it or not, one year. I told my mother about me pursuing a woman before I knew it would develop into anything #vulnerable. My mother was supportive(ish) in the best way she knew how to be and responded by saying she loved me. She has directly and indirectly expressed her discomfort with my relationship, and I've clarified what is her concern as opposed to my own. Her and I have become a little distant since I've started dating a woman. I don't blame her; I know she is responding authentically and in the way she best knows how.
3) I've said "I love you," more times than I can count, to a human that is not a biological family member.
4) I informed my dad I was dating a woman prior to going home for Christmas. I generally don't ever inform my dad I'm dating anyone because it's usually not relevant (remember, I generally date emotionally unavailable people?), but this person felt/feels different to me. My dad responded by saying, "Oh yeah?" And then followed up by saying he figured due to my snapchats. My dad and I have strangely enough gotten closer over the course of the last year. He wrote me every week while I was away at military training for six weeks (see next bullet point).
5) I went away to a 6 week military training only to communicate with my partner via weekly letter. I had no idea whether or not my relationship would survive that stint (it did, thankfully), but I did it anyway. I knew Kristen would survive the end of it all regardless. Talk about trusting yourself and your partner though..
6) I started a virtual book club with some of my people. I used to barely read and now here I am running whole book club with assignments, discussion questions and Powerpoints! We've met twice already!
7) I quit my job without having another job lined up. My last day is June 18th and I still have no idea what I'll be doing, but I know what I don't want to be doing.
8) I'm moving from San Jose to Los Angeles because I can, and simply want to, no other reason.
Here are the ways I am still working on becoming #untamed:
1) Overthinking. I overthink a lot. I overthink what others say about me or about my relationship. There is a level of confidence that comes with not over thinking. You know your path, you know yourself and you know that your own opinion is the most valuable, so you simply acknowledge the other opinions but don't dwell on them or let them dictate your next move. I'm getting better at this, but am still actively working on it.
2) Speaking out. I have begun to speak out more against racism and white privilege, and I don't just mean when someone makes a blatantly racist comment. I mean calling out the systemic injustices that come out through our actions, language and existence, and having uncomfortable conversations with people I work with or know on a personal level. This is a new and growing practice for me. I am happy to prioritize this area of work.
3) Saying no and doing what I want to do. I still struggle with trying to appease everyone and oftentimes sacrifice my own wants, comfort and happiness at the expense of others'. This has been a slow, yet necessary journey for me. I'm reminded by Molly (big sis) and my girlfriend constantly to put myself first and not take on the feelings or obligations of others.
4) Comparing myself to others. This comes with the territory of overthinking. I still compare my growth, relationship, body, you name it, to others. It's damn hard not to do. I am more aware of when I am doing this though and try to be kind and patient to/with myself in the process.
Anyway, that's all I got for now, folks. I am by no means a fully #untamed woman, and I anticipate this will be a lifelong journey for me. Some moments, days, months and years may be more #untamed than others, and that's okay because life and growth are never a straight trajectory. I would love to hear everyone's thoughts on how they are #untamed and still becoming #untamed, so we can boost each other up and support each other on our pathways to be goddamn cheetahs.
Peace, love and positive energy,
<3 Kristen
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