“You deserve to have what you want, not just what you need.” Recently my girlfriend told this to me, as I refused to go back into Little Caesars to ask for ranch that would definitely enhance the taste of the $5 pizza. Yes, much like many of our conversations, something as insignificant as ranch sparked an authentic and meaningful conversation. I went to Little Caesars on Veteran’s Day to get the free lunch special. On the way there I was telling my girlfriend how this was the first Veteran’s Day I actually capitalized on the free food perk because normally I would feel bad, or think that obtaining free food on this day wasn’t truly necessary. I decided to indulge in the free food this year because I wanted to share the experience and free food with her.
When we got there I ordered the lunch special, but forgot to ask for ranch. I went back out to the car and my girlfriend reminded me that I usually ate ranch with my pizza and asked if I wanted to get some. I hesitantly responded no and she questioned why, as it’s rare I don’t eat pizza with ranch. I responded and said, “Well, I don’t really need the ranch.” She pondered why that actually mattered and continued to push me on my thinking with a series of questions. She also pointed out that it is very frequent that I don’t partake in something because I don’t “need” it or that I’m often placing other’s needs and wants in front of my own.
I reflected on her questions and pushes in relation to other experiences. I felt bad buying my jeep in 2017 because I didn’t “need” a new vehicle. I always proactively offer to ride in the back seat of family trips and sleep on the couch because I can “handle” being uncomfortable. I felt hesitant to move out of the shared 8 bedroom house into a nice two bedroom apartment in San Jose because the 8 bedroom house was still “livable.” I grew up in a household where you were always planning or saving for the next worst thing to happen. Why buy something nice when you may regret it later if your water pipes burst? Why spend the extra money on dessert when you can be full without it? Why get a treat at the theme park when you could easily pack a lunch to eat outside of the park beforehand?
Although I am talking about this in a financial context right now, this mindset has also been adaptable to other areas of my life. Stay at the job even though you’re miserable because you may not find a new one. Don’t embrace the vulnerability of a relationship because you may get hurt. Don’t hang out with educated and affluent circles because you come from Podunk, Iowa. My sisters and I have referenced this mindset a lot in our conversations, as this mindset is an indirect result of our upbringing. We call it the “scarcity mindset.” The scarcity mindset is the mindset that tells you there will never be enough. There will never be enough money, food, shelter, love, resources, life, etc. This mindset is a nagging fear that prohibits you from obtaining what you truly want because it’s not truly what you need. You are surviving and that’s all that’s important. Heaven forbid you splurge, or treat yourself, and then regret it later when the next anticipated and terrible thing happens to you.
When my girlfriend told me, “You deserve to have what you want, not just what you need,” I got teary eyed because that was the first time in 27 years has anyone ever told me that. She asked me if I believed that, and the reality of it is, I do believe that, but I was never quite sure anyone else did.
