Reflection on Age and 35

I’m turning 35 in a couple of weeks. While my various communities are usually very cognizant of my birthday, this year they have been even more attentive. Not only have they been more intentional with festivities, but they have also asked me a number of questions. For example, I’ve heard, “How do you feel about turning 35?” “Does it feel weird to turn 35?” And, “What do you hope to achieve in the coming years?”

And so, this blog post is a reflection on turning 35.

I always appreciate candid questions that lead to reflective conversation. However, there is a part of me that is mildly irritated by the extra attention I’m receiving on this particular birthday. Like, part of me gets it- 35 is exactly halfway between 30 and 40, so it’s a nice round number. It seems like a milestone; therefore, there should be increased attention directed toward it. I think part of my irritation, though, stems from the fact that women have the number “35” ingrained in their heads from practically the day that they are born. Because of the increased risk and decreased fertility associated with this number, we are told in a thousand different ways that 35 is “old.” In fact, women that have children from 35 on are referred to as “geriatric pregnancies.” I’m certainly not going to argue the scientific trends associated with pregnancy at this age. Moreover, I do not plan on having children, so it’s not even that the proverbial “biological clock” is triggering me. What I AM frustrated with is that the fact that these scientific facts have led to a connotation with 35 basically being when a woman turns “old.” And in so many implicit ways, we are valued less with an increase in age. So, I get irritated by the questions about this particular birthday, consequently, because the underlying message seems to be, “How are you coping with the fact that you are an old ass woman instead of a young woman now?”

Regardless of my irritation with some of the implicit narratives in people’s curiosities, I do love to reflect, and so I want to take this opportunity to explore some of my thoughts on turning 35. 

1)    As far as my body goes, I have to say- I don’t feel 35 (whatever that means.) I’m pretty anal retentive about taking care of myself, and so I feel really good physically. I do handstands on almost a daily basis, I can do the splits, I can climb 20 feet up in the air, and I run 5 miles 3x/week. This is one of those areas where I get a bit preachy: “If you don’t use it, you lose it.” People act like your body has to start falling apart in your 30’s, and this is not true. Yes, our bodies age, but goodness gracious- TAKE CARE OF IT AND IT DOESN’T HAVE TO BE THAT WAY. This means that you have to exercise (strength, cardio, and flexibility), you have to eat healthy, you need to have regular appointments (I like the chiropractor and massage therapist), etc. Here’s what I find legitimately hilarious. I’m actually probably in even BETTER shape at 35 than I was at 25!!! I didn’t know as much about strength and flexibility at 25 as I do now; moreover, I wasn’t involved in aerial at that time. So at 25, I couldn’t do even half of the shit that I do now! So, physically, at 35, I feel pretty good.

2)    Okay, let’s talk about my psychological well-being at 35. Honestly, again, I feel better at 35 than I did at 25. Parts of my 20’s were certainly exciting- I went to graduate school in Nashville, TN for 3 years, for example. But my 20’s were difficult because I lacked so much confidence in myself, and I also had to spend so much time trying to figure out what I wanted from life. I have a much stronger sense of self at 35 than I did at 25. I have a career that is incredibly fulfilling, I engage in hobbies that give me great joy, and I have some amazing friend groups. Moreover, being established in a career gives me the resources to finally pursue some of the things that I love. I can afford to take aerial classes and go on a ridiculous number of vacations. I remember in grad school when it was a struggle just to have the money to visit home. Now I go on at least 2-3 trips every year. (Uh…yeah…I really like to travel.)

Additionally, I feel so much more confident at 35. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself in my 20’s; and now, I am much more competent with asserting my needs and rights. I also feel like I care increasingly less about what most people think of me. I mean, of course I care about the opinion of my good friends and family, but other people’s standards and observations are a blip on my radar. For example, last night my friends and I decided to have our own “Shameless” themed outing. I went out to eat wearing a plaid shirt, cutoff black shorts, and tall black socks with boots. No, it wasn’t the sexy version of the outfit- I looked ridiculous. But I gave zero effs about whether or not I looked cute and whether or not anyone thought it was strange that a middle-aged woman was dressed like that. And because I give increasingly zero effs and have confidence in what I want, I feel so much more joy in the world at 35 because I am doing what I desire and feeling secure in doing so.

Honestly, I feel great at 35, and I am better physically, mentally, and emotionally now than I was 10 years ago. However, there are a few downsides:

1)    What I DO hate about being 35 is all of the implicit AND explicit expectations that people place on me about where I “should” be with my life. For example, I have had SO MANY people directly ask, “Anne, you are such a pretty and successful woman. Why are you not married yet? You’re almost 35!” I’d like to write a whole blog post some time about being single, but for now, let me just say that I am SO SICK of people assuming that everyone still has to follow the "traditional" path. It's ironic to me that as much as the liberal narrative promotes diversity that people still assume (both implicitly and sometimes explicitly) that people's lives should unfold with career, marriage, house, kids- in that order. Also, I would like to emphasize that some of the most self-proclaimed progressive people are the ones that are the guiltiest of insinuating and perpetuating this narrative.

     There are many aspects of these questions that bother me, but the primary reason it annoys me is because I'm one of the most joyful and fulfilled people I know. I have a full social calendar, meaningful career, special outings and trips with my family, and engaging hobbies and commitments. And yet, despite that resume, people still assume that I'm lacking or not enough because I'm not "traditional" at 35. 

Short answer to people's questions: Yes, I identify as heterosexual and find men attractive. Yes, I am open to the possibility of dating someone and being married as a way of finding connection in the world. No, I have not found anyone yet that would be a good match or that would be more fulfilling than my current single life. No, I do not plan to have children. Yes, I am trying to buy a house right now. Overall, we'll see where the universe calls me and what happens in my future. As I will enumerate upon in a bit, what I care about most is that I find love and connection in this world. 

2)    The other thing that is difficult about 35 is that I simply become more….emotional about time and memories with each passing year. I experience my emotions very intensely and live primarily inside my head. So, I feel very emotional when I think about all of the experiences, memories, and connections that I have had. And every year only adds to this collection, and it feels incredibly overwhelming to me. I don’t know how to articulate it very well- perhaps readers will understand. But all of it- even the challenging stuff- it all is so significant, so personal, and so imbued with meaning, and it just feels so intense to think about how many memories I’ve had, how many people I’ve met, how much I continue to grow and change. It’s just staggering with its portentousness. I want to hold onto all of it somehow because it is so precious, and yet, I know that this isn’t possible. Moreover, change is a part of being human, and brevity is part of what makes moments so important; their significance partially lies within the fact that they are so ephemeral. But all of it matters so much, and I want to somehow hold all of it in my grasp.

 As for what I want in the latter half of my 30’s? Here’s what I want:

I want love, meaning, connection, and joy. That’s what I want. I think it’s incredibly foolish when people try to prescribe what form that love, meaning, connection, and joy will take. Here’s the deal: we don’t know where life will take us. For example, look at this year. None of us could have imagined that we would have lived through a global pandemic that led to lockdowns, mass deaths, and a crippled economy. We.Don’t.Know.Where.Life.Will.Take.Us. Some of that is due to us just not always knowing what is good for us, and some of it is due to the fact that we live in a broken world.

I think we should have SOME idea of what we want, but we also have to be open to what the universe is telling us. And I think we get into trouble when we try to decide what and when something will happen. I have definitely been guilty of this. I thought FOR SURE that I wanted to pursue my PhD in theology and be a tenured college professor. I had it all planned out- where I would apply for my PhD, how long it would take, etc. etc. And then what? The universe led me elsewhere. I did a chaplaincy internship at the hospital after being rejected for a summer job in Washington DC…I had a mental breakdown pursuing my Master’s…one thing led to another, and my plan of pursuing my PhD was squashed. But…the culmination of all of those experiences eventually led to me applying for an amazing job as a bereavement counselor, and I’ve been happy with this career for over 6 years now. I’m glad that the universe said “fuck that” to my detailed plan of getting my PhD in theology.

I’m not going to try to impose my will on the universe. I’ve seen people do it with marriage, kids, career, housing, school, etc., and I’m not going to dictate where my life will lead in the coming years. I’ll work hard and be open to possible opportunities the universe is presenting to me. Maybe I’ll stay at my current job another 6 years. Maybe I’ll happen to see a posting for another job I never knew about that will be another great fit. Maybe I’ll get married. Maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll buy a house tomorrow. Maybe it will be another 2 years before I find one I want. Maybe I’ll die at 40. Maybe I’ll live another 70 years.

I don’t know. What I do know is that I want to find love, joy, meaning, and connection in some capacity in the coming years. I’ve had those elements my whole life, and it’s been exciting to see them take different forms throughout different phases. We’ll see what they look like in the latter half of my 30’s. Stay tuned. J

 

 

Just a Quick Reflection

“You don’t always notice when Alls is on the court, but you definitely feel it when she’s not.” My 9^th grade basketball coach told this to my mom after my freshman year basketball season ended, and this quote has always been near to me, as this truly embodies Kristen Alesch at heart. For those of you that know me, you often hear me refer to myself as the “Jack of all trades, master of none.” Need a fill in soccer player? I gotchu. Need your toilet unclogged? I’ll figure it out. Stubbed your toe and need me to doctor you up? No problem.” Most often times you will find me supporting others, and meshing and molding with whatever team I am playing on, in whatever way is needed. As my basketball coach stated, I am not the all-star on the court and likely won’t be in the headlines of the newspaper, but I am a critical part in the functionality of the team and in giving others what they need to thrive.

 

Over the course of the past two years, I worked closely with a student that had very high intellectual and emotional needs. This student’s mom passed away when they were in 6^th grade and their family has had to undergo various hardships since I have known them. As a result of familial circumstances, this student has had to learn how to be independent and navigate their life with minimal structure. This student and I became close over the past two years and I soon became this student’s trusted adult at school. This student would often come to me when they were distressed, having a rough day in class or needed a motivational pep talk to finish up their math assignment. Additionally, I became close with this student’s family. I would text their aunt daily updates, stop by their house when I had a question or request and even went to a celebration of life for their mom this past November. I would work in coordination with their family to ensure this student’s mental, emotional and physical needs were taken care of.

 

As this student’s 8^th grade year progressed, they began to develop a strong relationship with their teacher. Their teacher is a pretty dope human J. This student worked closely with their teacher and had more direct interaction with them on the day to day, while the support I provided was more from afar and behind the scenes. This transition felt different to me, as I was not used to providing support indirectly. My motivational pep talks with this student turned into speaking with the director of the Boys and Girls  Club about scholarships for this student to attend. My rides home to this student from school turned into rides to the external soccer league I signed them up for. And my bothersome “Did you do your homework?” questioning turned into asking their teacher to remind them to do the homework in the morning before school if they had not completed it already. I missed the direct and immediate interactions this student once had with me, but also was happy that they had other trusted adults at the school to go to. I did often question whether or not the direct and indirect support I provided to this student had an impact.

 

Yesterday, the Boys and Girls Club director sent me a picture of him and this student standing together at the club. He said, “The power of the Boys & Girls Club has drawn this young person back! Not sure how they knew to be here today, but here they are ready to receive a little more Boys & Girls Club magic!!!” It was in this moment that I knew the indirect support I provided this student DID have an impact, and although this student needed me less and less, it was because I had instilled the consistent structures to allow them to succeed as an individual within the community. Although it felt like I had less significance in this student’s life at the time, it was actually because the significant and multiple roles I played were shared amongst other members within the school and community. This student learned how to build relationships, advocate for their self and be resourceful, in part because of the work I did with them. “Give a Man a Fish, and You Feed Him for a Day. Teach a Man To Fish, and You Feed Him for a Lifetime.”