To Unfriend or Not Unfriend: That is The Question

Well, let me just start by stating the obvious: 2020 has been one hell of a year. Between impeachment proceedings, an ongoing pandemic, and advocacy for dismantling systemic racism; the year has been full of intense trials.

There are several topics within each of these momentous events, and Dissident Daughters has written a couple of posts about them. Additionally, there are numerous other thoughtful individuals that have written, stated, filmed, protested, and discussed these ongoing issues. Today, however, I want to write about our social media engagement regarding challenging events.

First, let me be clear that these issues are literally life and death issues. They are of utmost importance because of the profound implications they have on people’s lives. I do not underestimate their significance, prevalence, or proliferation.

Nevertheless, what I DO have mixed feelings about is how we engage with them on social media. I have numerous posts I would like to write regarding our social media engagement with intense topics, but today, I want to discuss the following subject:

Unfriending someone who does not agree with us.

In the last couple of months, I have seen several people vocalize their “unfriending” of people on social media. For example, I saw a couple of my friends profess this dissolution on a contentious post about Iowa reopening from the pandemic. Another time, I saw someone post a Facebook status and declared that if someone did not agree, they could go ahead and unfriend them. Zero effs- either you are on my train, or unfriend me and get the rock off. 

On the one hand, I understand this need to “unfriend.” Sometimes we need to set boundaries for our own mental health, and if seeing someone’s views is detrimental to our well-being, we may need to unfriend them. Moreover, I completely understand that these are “life and death” issues on multiple levels. So, to see someone disagree with us feels like a slap in the face to what we view as foundational, life-giving truths.  We unfriend them not only because of our mental health, but because staying friends with them seems as though we are endorsing their profoundly hurtful views.

I don’t unfriend many people, but I definitely have selectively unfriended people before. One of them happened just a couple of months ago for a very painful reason. I won’t go into the details, but let’s just say that I needed to unfriend this person for all of the reasons enumerated above and then some. I’ve experienced the need- and bittersweet relief- of unfriending someone on social media.

However….(and there is always a however!), unfriending someone simply doesn’t always sit well with me. Here’s why:

Let’s say that hypothetically, your viewpoint is the correct one in terms of it being more informed and ethical. I’m not going to go into a philosophical debate about what constitutes truth here. Regardless, let’s just say that hypothetically, you ARE more correct with your viewpoint than this other person on social media. As much as one person can be correct with all of life’s complexity, you are the winner compared to this other individual.

…Does that necessarily mean you should unfriend the person? If they disagree with your statuses, memes, and truths? Well, even if you are the one with the more “correct,” viewpoint, I STILL think it’s important to hear other people. No, I don’t think we should privilege these voices (we definitely need to do better at privileging the voices of marginalized groups), but I think we should still hear other people, particularly the ones that have made their way onto our social media friend list. I think we should hear them because a) they are still another human being that deserves the dignity of being acknowledged as such; and b) the more we hear other voices, the more we understand WHY people have the viewpoints they do. For example, I sure as hell don’t agree with people that espouse racist viewpoints, but if we want to address racism, we need to understand what those views are and why they continue to be promulgated. Finally- and I know this final reason is a bit idealistic, but I hold onto it nonetheless- I still believe there is the possibility that we can be somewhat changed by each other’s views (if it happens in the right circumstances. News flash: posting memes doesn’t change jack squat). I simply don’t think that any of us possess ALL of the truth, and we learn a little bit more about the world by hearing each other’s experience.

Let me give an example. As many of you know, my full-time career is with hospice as a grief counselor. I was visiting with a woman recently who lost her spouse in May. And talking with her was definitely a challenge because she was very angry about the protests that occurred after George Floyd’s death. It was an incredibly difficult situation because I had to walk the line of 1) not endorsing or promoting racist statements; 2) also needing to hear her story and her pain.  

The reason the woman was so hurt and angry was because of the extreme number of people that congregated together to protest George Floyd’s death and systemic racism. She was in tears because they were able to be together in mass numbers, whereas when her husband died, she was only allowed to have 9 other people present to witness his life.

I felt tears start to gather in my own eyes as she described the lack of honoring her husband’s legacy, and the crippling loneliness that ensued due to contact restrictions from the pandemic. “Why, Anne, couldn’t I also have people present to honor my husband? That seems only fair to me. They are able to get together, so I should be able to have people together. Now I’m stuck here, all alone, just waiting for myself to die.” She was shaking as she described how unfair it was that suddenly mass gatherings were okay for that cause, but for her husband, she could only have a few other people around to celebrate his 80 years and their 50+ years of marriage.  

What on earth do we do with this? I wholeheartedly support the protests, and systemic racism is a FACT in this country. And yet, this woman’s pain, loneliness, and desire to be heard is also incredibly real. I did the best I could. I validated her feelings of pain and loneliness, as well as how incredibly unfair it was that she was not able to be surrounded with support. Additionally, I did state that the protests were legitimate and needed to occur as a means of deconstructing systemic power imbalances. I tried to uphold BOTH truths at once, and I did not pit or compare them to one another. I did also mention that in addition to protesters wearing masks and gathering outside, I thought it followed that a similar model could- and should- be replicated with graveside services.

Did I handle this perfectly? Probably not. This stuff is complex. I’m sure I effed up somewhere. Did I do my best? Yes, I did. I did my best to honor my ethics surrounding oppression, AND I did my best to honor my ethics of acknowledging the person before me as a human being made in the image of God. It was a difficult line to walk.

But I am SO grateful for experiences like this one because they force me to continue to expand my own worldview. Did I change my views on the protests/racism? No, I did not. But I DID hear another person’s perspective and the pain they felt in what they perceived as a double standard. And she DID have some points to consider. Again, let me be clear- I firmly stand behind the protests. But what criteria am I (and others) using to legitimize mass gatherings? Advocating for the deconstruction of systemic racism is incredibly time sensitive because of all of the deaths caused through unequal access to health care, police force brutality, etc. They definitely needed to happen. But…is grieving the death of a loved one also time sensitive? Is gathering with loved ones after devastating loss also a necessary and life-giving need? I would say yes. Both are necessary, but for very different reasons.

I was changed by my encounter with this woman, and I hope she was changed too. I hope she felt heard, and I hope she reconsidered some of the perspectives she had about the protests. Maybe she did, maybe she didn’t. But I was different. 

Ultimately, I give this example to illustrate how integral it is that we don’t always dump people as friends on social media. There can be truth within their viewpoints, even if parts of them may sometimes be fundamentally wrong or unhelpful.

I don’t have clear guidelines or an answer about when we should keep people as friends on social media versus when we should unfriend them. What I want to do with this post, however, is to encourage you to be incredibly reflective before you unfriend someone on social media. Remember, the person you are unfriending is a real, live human being. I am fearful with our consumerist ways that we ditch people the same way we ditch coffee cups, fast fashion, and disposable wipes. They are an inconvenience to us, they bother us, and so we remove them from our lives so we do not have to deal with them.

This, too, is dangerous. It desensitizes us to other people as human beings, and it also cultivates an insular community in which we continually only see ourselves looking back at us. Diversity and loving others doesn’t just mean loving marginalized group. Diversity and loving others also means loving people that possess broken and flawed truths.

Sometimes we need to unfriend someone. Other times we don’t. Take the time to deeply reflect upon it when you make the decision.

Lost in the Desert

Hey everyone! It’s me and I’m late on the blog this week. Time has and continues to keep slipping away from me nowadays. We’re kind of in that weird state here where 60% of people and businesses are back to their new normal, while the other 40% of people and business are caught in the quarantine purgatory. The 40% is not yet able to work at the office, but other businesses are starting to open, so it feels like life has kind of resumed normally, but behind a Zoom screen still. Anyway, that’s not what I will be posting about this week, but felt the need to explain my lateness to you all J.

Recently I went on a hike with one of my roommates, Julia B. I’ve known Julia for two years now and we have always had meaningful and thought provoking conversations, and recently due to the quarantine, our communication and time together has picked up as a result of having a lot of it to spare. Julia’s and my conversations are usually centered around love, life, challenges, books, beauty, sadness and any other emotion in the novel of life you can think of. Julia tends to push my thinking around vulnerability and I tend to push her thinking around being.

On the most recent hike, which I mentioned in the previous paragraph, Julia voiced to me that she had the desire to and felt the calling to spend some time in the desert. I inquired a little further to find out that metaphorically, she currently feels like she’s lost in the desert. She painted the following picture for me:

Julia- I’m sitting in the desert and not sure which way to go.

Kristen- Is this a temporary destination or a permanent one?

Julia- Temporary, for sure.

Kristen- What are you looking for? There’s a lot of vastness in the desert.

Julia- I think I’m looking for the oasis.

Kristen- What do you want to do there?

Julia- Be and drink the water, but only temporarily.

Kristen- Okay, and then what? What do you do once that objective has been accomplished?

Julia- Then, I keep looking for civilization.

Kristen- Okay, what are you hoping civilization brings to you?

Julia- Belonging and purpose.

I appreciated Julia’s description of being lost in the desert, as I too have been there a few times in my life. I think it’s safe to say we’ve all intentionally or unintentionally flirted with the vastness of the desert before (moving, ending a relationship, starting a new job, grieving a death, having a child, not knowing what’s next for us, etc.). I think that it’s so easy to want to fix and fast forward through these uncomfortable and uncertain situations, as we so badly long to find out what’s next and when the uncertainty is going to end. We want to jump to our next destination to avoid the realness and rawness of our current one, and we think that reaching our next destination will make us feel validated, safe and purposeful; we think we will feel better if x thing ends.

I’m here to tell you all that reaching civilization will not bring you belonging and purpose. We do not grow as humans, nor become the best versions of ourselves by fast forwarding to where we’re going. It’s the shit we experience along the way that molds and shapes us into who we want and are meant to be. It's in the heartache, death, sadness, despair, lostness and stillness that we find meaning and connection. Perhaps finding civilization is not where we find our belonging and purpose, but rather where we use and share the belonging and purpose we found on our way there.

Light and Love

I wanted to share this article, titled "My White Friend Asked Me on Facebook to Explain White Privilege. I Decided to Be Honest."

I've been thinking all week about how to write about what I want to write about and acknowledge. I haven't come up with a good way yet and it's getting toward the end of my week to post. I considered skipping my week and avoiding it (thank you, ineffective coping mechanism that has gotten me this far in life!). As I've learned in yoga and through some hard life lessons, it's about showing up, making progress, and grace...not perfection...so here it goes.

I want to talk about the horrible murder of George Floyd, Jr. on May 25, 2020. I want to confront the abhorrent racism present in this country - both the covert, institutionalized, socialized racism and the overt, violent (both in words and deeds) racism - which have existed since this country's inception and have been nurtured and allowed to thrive within the past four years under the "leadership" (haha!) of President Trump. I also feel that by talking about how I feel and what I think takes away from the people right now who are fighting to be heard and seen and I don't want to do that. I don't want to be another white person writing about this - and yet here I am - because I am sad and my heart hurts for people and I don't know what else to do. I'm going to make a mess and I hope that it's okay if I stumble and fall, as long as I'm trying to do and be better.

Wednesday in yoga, our instructor asked us to get out of our comfort zones in class...to challenge ourselves. He made the point that growth does not occur in a place of routine comfort (in our recliners with a drink in our hand) - growth is a result of discomfort. When he asked us to set an intention, the words "LIGHT and LOVE" popped into my head. I didn't really know why.

Then, towards the middle of class, he also said that part of growth is being willing to shine a light into the dark corners of our lives...and to look at them...and to look at them without judgment. Just look at them and acknowledge them and, maybe, if we believe (as I do) that our main purposes here in this world are to better love ourselves and others and to grow in our beautifully flawed humanness, maybe we make some changes.

It was then that I knew what light and love meant for me in my intention and that it pertains to Black Lives Matter, white privilege, inclusion, and diversity, and all the things I still don't know about that I should include here. I want to be better. I want to learn what those things are.

I want to read the things I need to read, hear the things I need to hear, and support the people and organizations I need to support. As with anything, putting action in place of intention might (will) be messy. I will probably fuck some things up. Say something it's not my place to say, think I understand something when I really have no clue, miss an opportunity for growth or action.

That is where the love comes in...shining the light with love means that when I fuck up, I acknowledge said fuck up, make amends, and do better next time...all without berating myself for not knowing something I am trying to learn. When there is judgment and love is absent, it becomes less likely that I, or anyone else, will continue to shine light on our dark corners...and that is what we need to keep doing to make ourselves and our communities better than they are now.

I have committed to trying to do better and be better for Black Lives Matter, for black people, for all organizations working for the same thing, and for all people who live inside our racist system. It's going to be messy - I'm sure I already fucked up one (or ten) things up with this post. Please be patient with me - shine the light on my dark corners and do it with love and we can grow together. Thank you for allowing me this space and opportunity to have my voice heard, to learn from all of you, to share community with you. Thank you for letting me be messy.

Liberty and Justice for Some

Hi! I’m writing this and listening to Counting Crows. Seriously, who remembers that band?! I just don’t have much to say these days. I don’t know what it is. I feel muted, slightly disconnected and just way too calm. 2020 has just been one weird year and I guess it has also left me feeling a bit off. What isn’t off right now? I’m going to try to tap into some anger so I can write something compelling but I’m not sure if I can even get my go-to emotion activated  right now. Wait, give me a minute. Yep, there it is. So here we go.

I’m disgusted by the George Floyd situation. Absolutely disgusted by a culture that protects and polices its own. You see, we are awful at seeing the truth when it comes to our friends or people we know. It doesn’t align with what we know of the person, and so our brain looks for ways to make the information make sense. Hence, we don’t believe it could happen, and our brain convinces us it did not happen. I don’t know all the deets of the officer that held his knee to a man’s throat for 8 minutes for writing a bad check. I do know he had other complaints against him. I don’t know the particulars but in other contexts, we might call that a pattern. But, internal justice systems are dysfunctional and so it doesn’t surprise me none of the complaints were found to be valid. Not one bit. 

It triggers the shit out of me because of my time in the military. Now that I’m officially retired I can write with a bit more freedom. I’ll tell you that the last two years of my career were spent fighting against such a culture. You see, at least in male dominated professions, this internal policing is done by men, for men and benefits men. I can’t count how many times, when dealing with an allegation of sexual assault, I heard some male say, “ He wouldn’t do that, he is a nice guy.” I would spout off some research or use the example that being a nice guy was exactly what enabled them to take advantage of a person and it would fall on deaf ears or I’d be written off as crazy and emotional. Most of the time, there wasn’t enough “evidence” to do anything to the perpetrator so the victim simply left the Army. And the man would still be in and get promoted.  But hey, he was a good guy so I’m sure he wouldn’t do it again ( sarcasm here). So, what recourse does one have against such systemic failure?Well, in the Army you can file an Inspector General (IG) complaint. For police there is Internal Affairs. Yet these sub-organizations are designed to give the member of the organization the benefit of the doubt. In the Army, unless something violates a black and white rule, an IG complaint won’t be founded. It doesn’t matter how unethical or immoral an act is. Most people don’t know this about these internal justice systems. But I lived it and gave up my career because of it. You see, I filed an IG complaint regarding the handling of sexual assault cases in the Iowa Army National Guard. There. Now everyone knows or can have it confirmed. I filed it in May of 2017. I also filed a Congressional Inquiry with Senator Ernst’s office. And then I waited. It took two years for the investigation to even begin. Apparently, no one knew who was supposed to investigate it so it went untouched. Finally, when someone picked it up off the desk it had been gathering dust on, they sent it back to Iowa-the very organization that the allegation was against- to investigate. So the Iowa National Guard leadership and Command knew a complaint had been filed and they were bound and determined to find out who did it. During those two years and beyond, I lived in absolute fear of being found out. I stopped sleeping. I had panic attacks whenever it was brought up. During those two years, more women were assaulted only to have their complaints be lost on someone’s desk or deemed unfounded. And during those two years, I slowly felt parts of myself die. I called and tried to retract my complaint because I just needed it to be over. That was not allowed apparently. Then, I got calls from 5 different people over the course of six months, as the turd of a complaint that was filed by a real asshole was being passed around because no one knew what to do with it. I had to tell the story 5 different times, and each time, it became harder and harder to have any hope or faith. Honestly, it revictimized me every time I had to re-tell what was happening.  Eventually, even though my complaint was supposed to be anonymous, someone in the IG office fucked up and emailed the Command’s attorney using the term the “Finken Complaint.” And just like that I was outed. I was threatened. I was treated poorly. I was shunned. But it didn’t rise to actionable retaliation.  And after over two years, I could not take it anymore. I retired to save the little pieces of me I had left. I still don’t know what happened with the complaint or if it was founded. I know Iowa changed how they investigated sexual assaults after that but it didn’t help me, nor did it help anyone who made an allegation prior to 2019. Countless women, including me, are no longer in the military. Countless men, with allegations of harassment and assault, remain in the ranks. So did I win? No, I don’t think I did. 

The police force is much like the military. I haven’t worked as a police officer but I do believe they have similar, parallel issues. I have seen calls for an independent review board to review police brutality allegations. Senator Gillebrand tried something similar for the military since we were botching so many sexual assault cases but big surprise, the military opposed it and the bill did not pass. I fear the same thing will happen with a police independent review board. 

 Basically, after experiencing all of this,  it doesn’t surprise me bad cops are protected. I’m sure they are “good guys.” Here is what we need to remember though. Good guys can still do bad things. No one is all good or all bad. Who you see at work can be different than who you see at home. Sometimes, the scariest person isn’t the devil you don’t know-it’s the one you do know and trust. I’m sure the cops in the Floyd case did many good things. It doesn’t mean, however, that they are incapable of doing bad things on occasion. Binary thinking is easy for us-good and bad, right and wrong. But it’s a mental shortcut that I don’t think we can continue to take in a complex world with very wicked problems.