Don't Use Others' Stories to Count Your Blessings

I wrote the following for a hospice publication a couple of months ago. The reference is slightly dated (The Festival of Trees and Lights happened in November), but the message I want to convey in this publication is enduring, so I wanted to include it on the Dissident Daughters blog. We simply CANNOT and SHOULD NOT use other people's "misfortune" to account for our own #blessings. It does not matter what the other life circumstance is that we are referencing; other people should not be the means by which acknowledge our gratitude.

I was at the "Festival of Trees and Lights" this past weekend with my family. As we walked among the trees and admired their decorations, I heard someone say, "Oh my goodness. What a sad story about this little boy. This makes me so grateful that I get to still have my son."

I always cringe when I hear these types of statements. You see, on the one hand, I DO think that it's a beneficial practice to name our blessings and feel gratitude in our lives. However, on the other hand, I don't think that we should use the experience and circumstances of other people to do so. It implies that the other person is "less blessed" than us, and it suggests that our own circumstances have been given more grace than other people's.

Not only are we using other people's "misfortune" as a means of naming our own appreciation, but I also think that it's patently untrue that stories of loss, sadness, or a "lack" of something do not have their own rich blessings embedded within them. I do not know the little boy and his family that the woman was referencing. Nevertheless, it's entirely possible that they have experienced a type of love from their community that the rest of us will never experience, and that is a #blessing that we do not currently have and may NEVER possess. ALL experiences are filled with BOTH challenges and blessings, and we cannot self-determine that anyone's context- ourselves or others- fits neatly only with one category or the other.

Instead, I encourage a deeper type of reflection regarding gratitude. Certainly acknowledge the people, circumstances, and other events that fill you with appreciation. And along with that appreciation, display candidness about the way that these same people, circumstances, and other events provide challenges within that blessing. Moreover, also acknowledge that every human being is given different blessings. We do not have the opportunity to experience every type of fortuitous moment or circumstance in this life, and that is because we have limits as human beings. Your life has its own blessings and challenges all rolled together in a unique combination. Name those blessings and challenges in your life, and also remember that other people have their own rich story of blessings and challenges that are different (but not better or worse) than our own. 

Things That Matter

We spend so much of our time, money, energy, worries, and desires on things that do not matter in life. Lately I have been consciously trying to slow down and spend mine on things that do. For me that means spending slow, quality time with my family. I believe that one way we can work to change the world is by focusing on how we raise our children. I also know that as Ferris Bueller said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it.” I think I mentioned this in a previous blog but one of the first things my new boss at work said to me was, “Molly, you better make time for your baby because one day you’ll wake up and he’ll be 8 years old.”

Two weekends ago over Easter Weekend, I tried really hard to put all of this into practice and wanted to share my experiences on the blog.

On the Friday evening of Easter Weekend, I came home from work and took LJ outside, which is his favorite place to be in the world. We took his Paw Patrol truck and he rode it down to the end of our street. All of the snow had been melting that day and it had also kind of been raining so there was a big puddle on the sidewalk at the end of the street. I knew as soon as I saw it that he was going to go straight for it. I was tired and it was the end of the week so the first thought that crossed my mind was to distract him over to a different area in order to avoid the mess and the aftermath of having to wash his clothes and shoes and throw him in the tub. But I didn’t distract him. I thought about all the literature I’ve read that talks about how healthy it is for kids to explore nature and how much can be learned from just playing with rocks, sticks, and dirt instead of watching a screen and I just watched him as he went in and out of the mud with his Paw Patrol truck for about 20 minutes.

On Saturday afternoon we celebrated Easter with Larry’s family. We arrived to the hosts’ home early and had a couple of hours until the rest of the guests arrived. Larry was helping with the food preparation so I was with LJ. I once again took him outside, his favorite place to be. The house we were at is on kind of a small, gravel road by a pond. There are about 5 other houses on the same small road. We didn’t have any of his typical outdoor toys with us so I was a bit nervous thinking of how I would entertain him. My nerves were quickly quelled after we just started walking on the gravel road. LJ wanted to pick up and examine every.single.rock. He would pick them up, look at me with wide eyes, and say “Rock!” like it was so amazing that there was yet another rock on this gravel road. We very slowly made it to the part of the road that was closest to the pond. I felt surprisingly refreshed from not stressing about entertaining him to simply following his lead on walking and looking at the rocks around him. When we got to the pond, I had a flashback to my childhood when we would go camping or hiking and spend time skipping rocks with my mother. I wanted to share that slow pastime with LJ so I picked up a rock and threw it in the pond (I didn’t skip it because I knew an almost two year old would find a big splash much more amusing). After it splashed in the pond, he looked up at me like it was the most amazing, funny thing he’d seen, and of course, he wanted to do it too. So we spent the next half hour to 45 minutes finding rocks and throwing them in the pond. It was slow, some might say it was boring, but it was relaxing and fun for both him and me.

On Sunday afternoon, LJ woke up from his nap a bit cranky. Again, I had this anxiety of how I was going to keep him entertained until dinner time, bath time, and bedtime. But I remembered my experience from the previous day and took him outside. He played outside for over two hours straight and did not fuss once. And the best part was, most of it was spent without any guided play or entertainment on my part. In the past I would feel like I had to constantly be either showing him cool stuff or talking to him, but I didn’t feel like that anymore. I really just followed his lead and realized that kids don’t need someone constantly entertaining them. Unlike most adults, they haven’t lost the ability to be amused by exploring and learning and they haven’t had their attention hijacked from the constant “rewards” most of us get from television, video games, the internet, etc.

I’m certainly not perfect. My life is overscheduled and I often lose sight of everything I mentioned above. But I’m cognizant and I’m trying. And most importantly, I am ever so aware of how much our children can teach us if we just listen to them and follow their lead.