Project: Jill

I have put off writing this blog because I have struggled with three things. First, I’m not entirely sure how to explain something I decided to do; second, because I am afraid of what people might think, including even my dearest sisters and friends; and third, I might fail and if I announce my intentions, that means others might know I have failed as well. Like most people, I despise failure when just I know about it but I seriously abhor public failure.  

I guess I need to just get it over with-to rip off the proverbial band aid quickly, instead of painstakingly pulling it off section by section. So here goes. I am competing for Mrs. Iowa 2018. There. It’s not a secret anymore. Whew. Now for the second hardest part. Why in the world am I doing this?

This is a piece of my decision I have struggled to put into words adequately because I don’t want to be judged. I understand some may think competing in a pageant would be anathema to me and I initially thought the same thing. I guess I need to go back to 2017 to fully explain how I got here. 2017 was a difficult year for me and I didn’t take very good care of myself. The end result was 2017 culminated in a horrible storm of personal and public failure.  It’s all fine now, I got through it and came out on the other end better and stronger as a result. But 2017 had forever changed the way I viewed myself and my life. I decided I wanted 2018 to be the year I worked on myself. And that’s how it all started. A pageant really encourages you to become the best version of yourself. I have learned so much about myself, about celebrating my womanhood and getting my fun side back. You see, ever since I got back from Afghanistan in 2011, that fun-loving girl has been largely absent from my life. I don’t know why, but I’m just a bit too darn serious like all of the flipping time. Getting involved in pageantry has helped me find my whimsical side. Don’t worry, it is still fleeting and I haven’t turned into a fairy princess but at least I know that fun part of myself is still there. I just need to keep in working to find her. I will also say that the scoring of a pageant is weighted 50% on the interview so it is definitely not just a looks-based institution as I originally and mistakenly had thought. 

I also decided I was tired of being afraid of failure, a decision I might regret at this immediate moment but one that I stand by all the same. So I wanted to do something that I really stood a chance at failing at because I had learned from 2017 that failure is a ridiculously amazing teacher. And I’m tired of being afraid it gosh darn it. So I wanted to take it head on, in an in-your-face sort of way. And pageantry is definitely something I might fail at. As those of you know me will recognize, I have not always been in touch with my feminine side. I don’t know make up or hair and rarely wear dresses. I like typical “boy” activities and always have. But I am a woman and I wanted to celebrate that. I’m tired of hiding it or quelling it or muting it under certain circumstances. I don’t think that helps women in general. So anyway, I have been learning how to embrace my feminist, which I didn’t think I had a drop of to begin with but I’m finding I actually like learning these new things and taking better care of my whole person. In some ways, I am healing old wounds by embracing this side of myself.  I also wanted to push myself outside of my comfort zone, and believe me, I’m there. Dress shopping, shoe shopping are completely outside my wheelhouse. But it means I’m growing. And I’m taking chances and that, is living. 

And finally, I felt called to do more to promote and advance veterans issues, and in particular female veterans issues. I wanted a forum, a chance to speak to civilians about changing their perception of what a veteran is. You see, the civilian-military divide is growing into a chasm. Only 0.4 % of Americans serve in active duty. If you include reservists, it rises by a mere 0.4% to around 0.8%. This statistic is staggering and it means that some civilians have no ties to someone serving in the military. This divide enables harmful stereotypes about veterans to persist. So what are civilians to do? As a society, we have tacitly accepted that if service men and women are thanked for our service, the civilian obligation has been satisfied. I’m not that easy of a sell and believe civilians need to do more, to get some skin in the game so to speak, by actually supporting a veterans organization instead of uttering words that arent fully or adequately understood when they are uttered. We must do more. So I wanted to set the example and started volunteering at the VA hospital once a week. I also partner with Soldiers Angels and sponsor deployed service women and have participated in online baby showers for active duty mothers. I have also raised money for warm Socks for warriors-we raised $230 together!! Finally, I worked with my son’s school to send valentines to soldiers overseas. These are all ways civilians and service members a like can get some skin in the game that will have much more of an impact on service members than simply thanking them for their service. Don’t get me wrong, we appreciate the thanks. But the obligation to support our military men and women should not stop there. So that became my platform for Mrs. Iowa. I wanted my voice to be heard and I wanted to do more to bring awareness to this issue. 

So that is the long story of how I found myself competing for Mrs. Iowa. The pageant is June 23 and if I fail, all of you will now know it and that’s ok. I have learned so much about myself by putting myself out there that it doesn’t really matter if I win or lose. I am also thinking of starting a Pageant 101 blog because I know so many amazing women who could compete in their states but maybe didn’t know a Mrs. Pageant existed or don’t know where to start. More to come on that. 

To wrap this up, I will say it has been a little expensive to go from zero to sixty in the pageantry world. There are registration fees, photography fees, accommodation and travel expenses, and costuming fees. I have no shoes or earrings or really anything a girl needs for a pageant and so I have had to buy it all. If you felt compelled to support this journey for me and my family, I have created a go fund me site to help defray the costs of some of these expenses. I know it’s my decision and I have brought this in myself so please know I don’t expect anything or deserve your support. But if for whatever reason you want to support this atypical female competing in a world where I could very well be out of my league but feel compelled to push myself to show the world what types of women are out there, please know any contributions are greatly appreciated. It shows support for what I am trying to accomplish and belief in my journey and that is so much better than words. Thank you for not judging me and for coming with me in this journey that could result in public failure. Let’s embrace it and enjoy the ride! https://www.gofundme.com/yebjb-mrs-iowa-america-2018

Here is the link for my go fund me page:

https://www.gofundme.com/yebjb-mrs-iowa-america-2018

Showing Up

“We show up for each other. That’s what we do.” This was Beth Shelton’s assertion. Beth is the CEO of Girl Scouts of Greater Iowa, an organization that I am privileged and proud to be part of. These statements were part of her address at the Governor’s Luncheon for Scouting last month. These statements have also been with me ever since.

As part of the Governor’s Luncheon for Scouting, I volunteered to be a table host. The luncheon was free to attend AND there would be an ask for pledges and donations during the presentation and meal. I was surrounded by 10 people who had “shown up” for me…I’m sure they love Girl Scouts and Boy Scouts but the reality was that none of those people would have been there that day, had it not been to support me. I got teary at Beth’s words, realizing I had people in my life who cared about me enough to take time out of their busy days, attend an event they wouldn’t have otherwise attended, and donate money to an organization I care deeply about and believe strongly in.

Like I said, I’ve been thinking about these words since that day and what they mean in my life. I was so grateful and touched by those that had “shown up” for me, I decided I needed to be more intentional about “showing up” for others. There have been times when I’ve been personally invited to an event and felt too tired…or I didn’t have time to look the way I thought I should (there’s that perilous word!)…or didn’t think anyone would really miss me if I didn’t go because there were going to be so many other people there…and for those reasons, I didn’t “show up.”

Since I’ve been more intentional about this, barring a conflict in previously scheduled commitments like work, class, or prior social engagements, I’ve been showing up for people. I may not have been the life of the party, I might have had no makeup, glasses, unkempt hair and possibly a “nice” version of yoga pants on, I might have only been able to stay two hours instead of all night…but I’ve been showing up. And since I’ve been paying attention, it’s become obvious to me that it means a lot to people…whether there are three people or thirty there, it means something.

Aaaaaaannnnddd…to bring it around to the blog…I haven’t had a lot of time in the past two weeks to write. I haven’t had anything I was ready to share, that got me fired up, was something I felt was particularly interesting, or I had the energy to write about…so I thought about just letting it slide. But what my intention of “showing up” has taught me…it’s not about how it looks, it’s not about every foray into society or blogdom being perfect, having the most views, or being the most profound…it’s about showing up.

I wanted to “show up” for the blog…it’s important to me and it’s important to my sisters. I also think it’s essential for me to continue to be mindful of the ways my “all or nothing”, somewhat perfectionist tendencies can sneak into and fuck with my life. By “showing up”, even when circumstances aren’t perfect, I’m letting people know they are important to me and I’m also living a lesson I need (pretty frequent) reminders on.