Stop Telling Me What To Wear

I’m not going to pretend that I’m writing about a subject that has not been addressed before. Nor am I going to suggest that I’m writing anything new or groundbreaking on this subject.

I am, however, writing on this subject because it keeps happening, and I am BEYOND sick and pissed off about it.

Dear People,

Stop, stop, STOP, JUST STOP thinking that you have the right to tell me what to wear. Seriously. Stop it. You do not have the right to dictate my clothing.

Unless I am naked, unless I am wearing smelly, ratty sweatpants to a work event, or unless I’m wearing a shirt with language that denigrates others, just STOP telling me what I should or should not wear.

Most of these incidents- where others think that they can dictate what I wear- actually happen in my professional career.  Here are some experiences that I have had in the last couple of years:

1)     I was visiting an elderly man one-on-one about the loss of his wife. The sole purpose of these visits was to talk about HOW MUCH IT HURT that his wife was dead. At the end of one of our sessions, he asked me if I would “wear the outfit with the red scarf again because I looked so pretty.”

Needless to say, I had to terminate that therapeutic relationship and refer him on. Sir, we are here to talk about your deceased wife, and I am not here for you to ogle.  We are in a professional relationship, I am an intelligent woman respected in my field, and YOU SIMPLY DO NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TO TELL ME WHAT TO WEAR!

2)    When I worked in the hospital, one of the social workers commented to another one of my colleagues that “Anne doesn’t dress like a chaplain.” WTF does that even mean? Unless you are a Catholic priest, chaplains don’t have a certain dress code. So WTF does it even mean to “dress like a chaplain?”

Look here, people. I dress in bright colors, okay? I dress in bright colors because I LIKE THEM. And I like bright colors because they are cheery and they reflect my personality. I’m not going to start dressing like the damn grim reaper because 1) it’s not authentic to who I am; and 2) there is enough sadness and despondency in the world that I don’t need to contribute to it with my wardrobe.

Moreover, while I AM indeed a chaplain, I am also a woman. I’m not going to wear a burlap sack or a monk’s robe. I AM going to dress somewhat with current fashion. So yes, this DOES mean that I wear tall boots. It DOES mean that I wear slim cut pants with short boots. It does mean that- God forbid- you can tell that my body shape has some curves. It’s not like my chest is hanging out in my clothes. But you know what- I do wear fashionable clothes, and you can tell from looking at me that I’m- gasp- I AM a woman.

This is an example of my style and what I like to wear. SO OFFENSIVE, right!?

I get so irate thinking about this scenario because I think that the implication is that to be a chaplain must mean that you can only be one thing- a stodgy male. And you know what? It’s NOT mutually exclusive to be both a chaplain AND a female. I AM both of these things, and my clothing WILL embody both of these identities. When people tell me that I “don’t dress like a chaplain,” I feel that what they are really saying is “you aren’t male, and your comfort with your femininity is challenging.”

That’s not my problem, folks. That’s YOUR problem. I understand how I can be both female and a chaplain. If the embodiment of those two identities is too much for you to handle, that’s your issue. DON’T put it back on me by saying, “Anne doesn’t dress like a chaplain.” YOU are displacing your own issues and making it my fault, when it is really YOUR own discomfort that is the problem. YOU need to address this within yourself, and I don’t need to start wearing shapeless brown bags in order for your narrow worldview to fit easier.

3)     I recently completed a presentation at a hospice conference. I remember what I wore- I wore a gray skirt, black tights, and a sweater vest. One of the comments that I received about my presentation was that “I wasn’t dressed professional, and my wardrobe was distracting.”

First of all, asshole, I was wearing a sweater vest and a gray skirt. Last time I checked, that WAS considered professional ware. WTF do you want me to wear? I’m not going to wear a suit or a blazer- it’s not comfortable for me to wear, especially when I’m walking around doing a presentation. I walk around a lot when I present, I use a lot of gestures, and blazers just get in my way. So if a blazer isn’t an option, what IS considered “professional enough” for you?

Also, what exactly was it about my outfit that made you uncomfortable? Was it the fact that the sweater vest was colorful? Because again, I’m not going to start wearing drab colors. I’m not sure who decided that “drab colors” was equivalent with professional, but I’m not going to abide by that ridiculousness. Besides, I did have a gray skirt on, so I had one article of drab clothing on.

If it wasn’t the bright colors, was it the fact that I was wearing a skirt? Did that make you uncomfortable? I was standing during the whole presentation, not to mention I was wearing dark tights. So you didn’t see a closeup of my ass. So what the hell was your problem, then? Was it the fact that I was wearing a skirt, and I may have looked *gasp* like a female? And the skirt did go a bit above my knees! Oh my goodness! Were you aware while I presented that I was actually a female?! If so, what bothered you about this? Was it because again- your brain could not compute how someone could be feminine AND an authority on a topic!? Holy shit! I may have looked somewhat attractive in my skirt, and I managed to convey knowledge on a topic. That must have been difficult to comprehend!

Moreover, if you thought my gray skirt was too sexual, that again is YOUR problem, not mine. I wasn’t showing any skin, nor was I trying to woo you- I was presenting on grief, for the love of God. So if you thought that my skirt conveyed too much sexuality, that is YOUR problem, not mine. I'm not going to change my outfit just so that you can be less distracted by the fact that I'm a female. YOU need to work on that issue, NOT ME. I was presenting on human loss, YOU were thinking about how I was "distracting."

I could go ON AND ON about additional incidents, but I do not want to turn this blog post into a book. The point of all of these anecdotes is that other people decided that THEY had the authority to tell ME how to dress. Again, I’m not so much of a crazy individualist that I think that “anything goes.” I honestly don’t think that I should have all of my body parts on display, nor do I think that people should wear ratty sweatpants in a professional setting.  However, in each of these scenarios, I was dressed in nice clothes- although these clothes were bright clothes that did accent my femininity. Again, GOD FORBID.

I’m left with the conclusion that people simply aren’t comfortable with me being able to embody multiple identities at once- that I cannot be female AND a chaplain AND an authority in my field. I’m also left with the conclusion that other people STILL think that they have the right to dictate my life- including something as mundane as THE STYLE OF MY CLOTHES. THE STYLE OF MY CLOTHES. This is what we are concerned about- the style of someone's clothes.

I WILL wear bright colors, and I WILL dress like a female because I AM cheery, and I AM a female.

BACK OFF, and STOP COMMENTING ABOUT IT. Moreover, stop THINKING about it, and start thinking about WHAT I’M SAYING AND DOING.