No.

Hey ya’ll. Seems like it’s been forever since I last posted on our page with all of the adventuring I’ve been doing this summer. School got out June 3 for me and I’ve been running around ever since then. I went to Mexico, Boston and Iowa within the course of 7weeks.  I got to swim with dolphins, eat some authentic Mexican food, meet my adorable baby nephew LJ, see some family and friends in Iowa and now I’m currently writing this post at my two week Annual Training for the  National Guard in Smyrna, TN. All in all I have had a great summer and have nothing to complain about. The trips were very refreshing and much needed after a year of teaching and what will soon be another one.

Now, I don’t know what it is about traveling, but traveling always opens and reopens new and old perspectives as well as makes me uber reflective.  I could go on and on about all of the ideas I thought about and new insights I gained while traveling, such as what the next steps I plan to take are after I decide to be finished with teaching or about the recent empathetic conversations I was able to have with a couple of die-hard republicans while not wanting to blow their heads off or my own. Although I would love to tell you about those two revelations, that’s not what I’m writing this blog post about.

One of the main things I thought about during my travels and perhaps might have been even a little bit shameful about was my relationships and interactions with men. Now, when I say relationships and interactions with men, I am not referencing the amount of men I have slept with. I think it’s actually very stupid when women (or men) beat themselves up about a stupid number because at the end of the day that’s all it fucking is, a number. You never know someone’s circumstances or why their “number” is as high or low as it is and quite frankly it shouldn’t matter because that number has nothing to do with who anyone is as a person. Okay rant over on that.

So anyway what I mean when I said I’ve thought about my interactions and relationships a lot with men is I’ve been very reflective of why and how I interact with men who maybe just aren’t looking to be friends with me; whether that means they’re interested in me on another level or vice versa. I would like to talk about the term “obligation” for a little bit. Obligation can be defined as the act of binding oneself to certain things which arises out of a sense of duty, results from custom, law, etc. For example, I am obligated to drill one weekend a month with the Tennessee National Guard because I signed a contract saying I would fulfill that duty. I am obligated to teach at the same high school for at least two years because I made that commitment with Teach for America. I am NOT obligated, however, to do things (whatever they may be) for or with a man because I feel guilty or conscious of their feelings.

“No.” The two letter word that I’ve always had trouble saying. The two letter word that never ends with just two letters because as a woman if I say “no” I immediately need to justify why I’m saying no. I need to have a reason because how stupid would I be to not want to sleep with a man, talk with a man, do a favor for a man, etc. There’s always gotta be a reason why I don’t want to do those things. The mere fact that I may be uncomfortable or just not that into you is never justification enough.

“Hey Kristen, lemme stay over at your place tonight.” “Well no because the house is really messy and I have to get up really early in the morning.”

(Sorry for the vulgarity of the next one)

Dude and I are sitting on my couch cuddling and pulls down his pants, I immediately know what he is looking for. He asks if I can give him head for a little bit. Without blinking an eye (even though I want to) I do it because I invited him over. How dare I say “no” to that notion when I could have implied it prior to or gotten his hopes up.

I’ve had sex with a man before, not because I wanted to or even implied that I wanted to, but because I had already had sex with him before and I felt that I was obligated to again for that reason. Oh I was probably being a tease (God forbid I hurt his feelings or ego). If I say no, well he’s already staying over here anyway and I’ll have to deal with the constant trying and asking so I may as well just get it over with.

I’ve said no, but let down the boundaries I’ve set all because a man wouldn’t stop bugging me, poking me and asking me the same thing over and over again. He asked me to listen to him and have a brief conversation and I said no, but then finally caved in because I knew he wouldn’t go away if I didn’t. I didn’t want to go and talk with him, but I did anyway because his incessant badgering worked as planned (Men are good at being super persistent). I couldn’t leave the conversation even though I was exhausted because he was in a bad state and needed someone to talk to and comfort him. Because that’s my job (insert sarcastic tone).

I’ve never actually told anyone this other than my friend Jennie before, but I really do have trouble saying “no” primarily to the male gender. Call me weak, insecure or whatever you want to, but saying “no” is hard. I’ve always known this about myself and perhaps maybe this is just a broad characteristic of women, but like I said before I’ve been wondering why this is so hard and why I feel so guilty using the two letter word. Am I afraid that I won’t be liked if I tell someone no? Is it sometimes just easier to give in and not say no to avoid complaining and bitching? Am I afraid to hurt a man’s feelings? Yes. Yes. And yes. All of the above.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have used the word plenty of times before and am not just sitting over here saying yes like a little submissive princess. I guess what I really spent my summer thinking about is why saying this two letter word is so fucking hard for me. I know I mentioned the reasons above but this summer has been extremely uncomfortable for me because I’ve been in my head a lot. You’re weak, you’re a slut, you’re insecure are all thoughts that have stemmed from this stupid idea of the difficulty of using the word no. Now, don’t get me wrong, a lot of times within uncomfortable thoughts or situations come beauty. Because I have done a lot of reflecting on this, I have made it a point from here on out to not justify myself when I do use the word no. I’ve made it a point to actually use the word no instead of “Well maybe this isn’t a good idea” or another ambiguous phrase that could be up for interpretation. I’ve attempted to set clear boundaries and not take them down even when nagging or temptation is involved. I try and remove myself from a situation I foresee coming to avoid any feelings of negative vulnerability.

I think I’ve always known this about myself, but haven’t thought about it in depth until now because thinking about it stings a little bit and makes me feel vulnerable. My summer travels brought these thoughts out in me and I’m glad that I was forced to think about it because I am now aware of it and the steps I need to take to regain the ability to say no whenever and wherever. I recognize that I am an individual obligated to nobody but myself. I will fight to not compromise who I am and what I believe in efforts to protect a man’s feelings. And I sure as hell will try, try and try to be heard loud and clear even when it is difficult to do so. I am a woman. I am strong. I will not hide behind feelings of fear, guilt or false obligation. I will say “no.”