Chicken Limbo

Hey ya’ll, so it’s currently 5:25 a.m. and I am just beginning to write my blog post for the week. It’s dark, cold and my 12:30 p.m. test about contemporary environmental issues which most definitely is not at the top of my give a fuck list is just looming over my head. Either way, I will be prepared for the test while simultaneously completing my blog post all before 11:30 a.m.

For those of you who don’t know me very well, I am a senior at the University of Iowa meaning I am graduating this upcoming semester. Unlike most seniors, I actually have a clue and am familiar with what the next steps I am going to take in my life will look like. This past year (junior year), I randomly decided to apply for early admissions as a core member for Teach for America. I applied with the attitude of “If I get in, great. If I don’t get in, well, this wasn’t my ultimate goal in life.” The application and interview process turned out to be a 5 step process ranging from a simple submission of an online application to a full blown interview requiring you to teach lesson plan and do a little teacher-principal role play.

Well, oddly it turns out that I apparently have this natural knack for teaching orrrrrr I’m just really good at acting. I guess that’s something that I won’t discover until I actually have my own classroom full of kids with legitimate lesson plans posted on the chalky blackboard. Anyway, after spontaneously going out on a limb and applying to teach for a nonprofit organization that advocates for equal education for all children around the United States, I was accepted as a 2015 upcoming core member in May of 2014 and officially accepted my position with them in October of 2014. I am currently assigned to teach in Memphis, TN and could teach a variety of subjects K-8 grade or teach Spanish for grades 6-12. I will not know the actual grade, subject or school I will be teaching at until after my 8 week certification is completed this summer. Either way though, folks,  I better get used to corn meal and southern accents because come June I will be saying goodbye to the only state I have ever known and saying hello to a very exciting, strange place that I will call home for at least the next two years.

Senior year of college has been one of my favorite and least favorite years in college. It has been my favorite because as always my friends and I have mastered the art of being able to “YOLO” and still get our shit done. The friends I have made in college have been an awesome support system for me the past four years; have seen me cry, laugh, throw tantrums, and release bodily functions, etc. I couldn’t have asked for a better group of people to go through a time of instability and growth with. On the other hand, senior year has been my least favorite year because it’s as if I am constantly on a giant rollercoaster of emotions and the ride worker forgot about me while taking a smoke break.

Senior year of college is exciting, terrifying AND most importantly confusing. It is exciting because it is your last year at a school you have so much pride for and the day which seemed forever away on your first day of chemistry freshmen year is rapidly approaching. It is terrifying because most college seniors have no idea what they’re going to do after college and living with Mom and Dad for a few months after escaping their reach for four years is the last thing anyone wants to do. It is also terrifying if you do know what you will be doing after college because it only makes your entrance into the real world more absolute. Finally, the emotion I struggle the most with this year, confusion. Senior year is confusing because one second of the day I literally am thinking about how much I cannot wait to graduate and move on to the next exciting adventure of my life and then another second of the day I’m crying because a time in which I have learned so much about myself and others around me, experienced great and awful experiences and met some of the closest people in my life, is all coming to an end. It’s like you have the door to the future halfway cracked open and can see the amazing view in which it leads to, but can’t seem to find your shoes to actually leave your front door step. This feeling of being caught in between two places is transition. You’re working on taking a leap from one stage of your life into the next and this is very, very uncomfortable for a majority of people.

I struggle with this time of transition because a part of me wonders how invested I should remain with my current life as a last semester senior in college. Is it worth it to go to school activities and meet new people or get coffee with that cute boy who sits next to you during class when in 4-5 short months all of this will be a distant memory? Then the other part of me wants to take it to the opposite extremes and doesn’t even want to think about the next steps in my life and only focus on the present. I want to spend quality time with the people who are close to me, drink way too much alcohol, try some things I wouldn’t normally try and simply enjoy the little time I have left here because once again, after 4-5 short months all of this will be a distant memory.

As graduation literally tugs at my shoulder, I have gotten better and more comfortable with both of these dissonant emotions and that I do not need to separate one from the other and in fact, when in a period of transition, the two feelings of wanting to let go and not wanting to let go are not necessarily distinguishable from one another. I have accepted this feeling of being in the middle of two life points and with talking to other people who have experienced this and are going to experience this, I understand that it is normal to feel happy, sad, afraid, uncomfortable and every other feeling in between.

I think the most uncomfortable feeling about transition is not knowing what exactly is going to happen. What if I move to Chicago and absolutely hate my new job? What if I lose touch with some of the greatest people I have met so far in my short life? What if I can’t pay off my student loans? How do I deal with and approach this new relationship that recently developed? The questions people ask themselves during a period of transition are all legitimate questions and ones that are appropriate to be concerned about, however, the answers are unobtainable until you quit actually asking the “what ifs” and just live and do. You won’t know how you will like the new job until you do it. You won’t know if you like a new city until you move there and you most certainly won’t know about how change will affect your relationships until the change actually occurs.

And college seniors let me tell you, this is all OKAY. We don’t have to have everything figured out by the time we walk across that stage and receive our diplomas. My eldest sister told me that there are times in our life for answers while some are for questions and when it’s time for the questions, we have to get okay with sitting with them and not knowing. The unknown and vulnerability of what we are experiencing and are about to experience is absolutely terrifying and extremely uncomfortable, but it is also in these moments that the best things come out of.

So, college seniors or anyone currently going through a period of transition, my advice to you as well as me is to enjoy the ride. Enjoy every moment you have left of the life you currently know with the attitude that the next phase in your life will be just as great, if not better. Think when it’s necessary but try not to over think. Live and let life direct you to where you need to be for it is in this journey that you will often find the answers. <3

Ode to Des Moines (French for "The Moines")

If you had told me 5 years ago that I would be happily living in Des Moines in my late twenties, I would have laughed at you a bit scathingly.  Consequently, this is a blog post about the limits of our own knowledge and the grace of the universe.

I originally lived in the Des Moines area while I attended college at Simpson for four years, and then for another additional year when I completed a year of service with AmeriCorps. I did not technically live in Des Moines during these years; I lived in Indianola. However, I went to Des Moines at least 3-4 times a week for one reason or another. I enjoyed Des Moines while I went to college, but by the time I was finished with my year of AmeriCorps, I was beyond ready to leave. Everything felt so tired to me- I was done going out in the downtown, I was done running into classmates from high school and college all the time, and I was done with the Midwest. In hindsight, I have the wisdom to realize that it wasn’t the city itself that I resented; rather, it was simply that I needed a change of scene so that I could have space to grow after college. However, at the time, I was beyond ready to leave the city of Des Moines behind.

And so I moved to Nashville, TN for three years while I completed my Master of Divinity degree. And afterward, I was once again faced with the decision of where to live. I had originally thought that maybe I would move somewhere glamorous, such as Seattle. I could get certified as a pastoral counselor there, and I had visions of myself living a cosmopolitan life filled with organic food, coffee, and the ocean. Another option…maybe I would pursue further academic work with a PhD!!! I could live in Dallas, Boston, Denver or Atlanta. All of the cities that offered a PhD in my field were some of the most well known in the country; they would certainly offer new, exciting adventures.  Or…worst case scenario…maybe I would stick around Nashville for a bit longer. I could continue to live in the country music capital of the world, and my imagination turned to visions of myself wearing the requisite cowboy boots that I had since neglected to purchase.

 None of those options happened. I have no doubt that if I had wanted any of them badly enough, or if they had been a right fit for me, that they would have easily transpired. But they didn’t. A series of events during my last year or grad school changed the opportunities available. (A story for another day, perhaps!) It’s hard to explain without going into extraneous details, but moving back to Des Moines just felt like the only feasible option available after graduation. I wasn’t necessarily dreading it, but it definitely was not what I had dreamed or planned for myself. Nevertheless, I had received a one-year job offer as a chaplain resident for Methodist Hospital, and so I decided to take it. I would live in Des Moines for a year, collect my bearings, and I would decide what to do from there.

In the end, moving back to Des Moines was a unique combination of a “breath of fresh air” mixed with the comforting feeling of “home.” And after living here 2.5 years as an adult, I have grown to absolutely adore and love this city.

I love the size of the city. On the one hand, it’s small for a city, and this means that it’s relatively simple and quick to travel from one side of the city to the other. For me, this actually means I can take advantage of more of the city’s opportunities because I have the time and ease to travel to them. For example, I can go to hockey games at the downtown Wells Fargo arena, and it doesn’t take a significant time commitment to do so. Additionally, it doesn’t take me long to get to and from work, and this means that I have more energy and time to commit to social engagements after work. And I love that three of my closest friends live within walking/biking distance of my own apartment, and I can run over and say “hello” whenever I like. 

And yet. Des Moines is also large enough that it has some amazing cultural resources. I still maintain that Des Moines has some of the best Indian and Mexican restaurants that I have ever had. We are one of the regional sites for the 2016 NCAA Men’s Basketball tournament. We actually have a pretty amazing aerial/circus arts entertainment industry; we are the host for the 2015 aerial exposition and competition. Oh, and of course, we always have the Iowa State Fair, which is on the coveted “1000 Things to Do Before You Die” list. J

And for me personally, it has provided me with professional opportunities that I could have never imagined. I’m finished with the original chaplain residency that led me to Des Moines, and I’m now the bereavement coordinator/chaplain for UnityPoint Hospice. This job is a perfect fit for me for so many reasons, and it was through my original experience as a resident at the hospital that I was led to my present position. And…I’m also an adjunct instructor for my alma mater, Simpson College! This is an opportunity that I’m fairly certain that I would not have come by in another city. I happened to run into one of my former professors, and she asked me about doing it. I did not have to go through a crazy interview process or much hassle in order to do it. Ironically, I always thought I would have to pursue my PhD to be able to teach, and then I ended up having the opportunity presented to me primarily through connection and happenstance.

I think that I have a couple of main points from all of this:

1)   I’m not saying that everyone should move to Des Moines, or that I couldn’t necessarily find some of these elements in other cities. My point is that I have had some amazing connections in this city, and I feel very invested in contributing to the flourishing of the community. I want that for myself, and I want that for others as well. For me, that community happens to be Des Moines. I love that I feel so fulfilled by my two careers. I love that I have many good friends here, and that if I had the energy, I could have social plans every night of the week. I love that I play in a weekly volleyball league. I love that I joined TGR and I’m doing circus fitness now. For whatever reason, the universe came together for me here, and it enabled me to have meaningful social and professional connections.  I don’t mean to sound like I’m bragging. Believe me, if you were one of those individuals that had seen the wreck I was 3 years ago, you are probably clapping your hands right now as you read this post. I was due for some synergy.

2)   I think that this brings me to my overall second point. Many of the best things that have happened to me in my life were those that were either accidents OR things that I didn’t even realize that I wanted. My college self could have never imagined finding fulfillment in Des Moines, and I probably couldn’t have found it at that point in my life. I always thought that I wanted my PhD because I loved intellectual engagement, and I wanted to teach. However, it turns out that a life pursuing academia is not fulfilling for me, and I did not even realize it. I didn’t know this, however, until I was led past academia into living professionally in Des Moines, and I realized how much more fulfilled I was by a more well-balanced life.  It turns out that while I still value and enjoy intellectual stimulation, I prefer to spend my time with friends and hobbies as opposed to writing papers. And ironically…I still have teaching opportunities, even without my PhD. Life, God, and the universe can speak to us fairly loudly sometimes. And I think it’s great when we open ourselves up to things we had never imagined, and we let them speak.

If you live in Des Moines, what are your favorite things about the city? Have you ever had to eat your words before? Have you ever been surprised about where you were led in life?

P.S. Worst thing about Des Moines? The weather. I despise winter here. Although, to be fair, that would be my answer for any city above the ol’ Mason-Dixon line. J

  

The Emperor Has No Clothes

I was supposed to teach a course yesterday to members of the Massachusetts National Guard on Suicide Intervention out in Western Massachusetts. Needless to say, the course was canceled due to another FOOT or more of snow that we received on top of the TWO FEET we were hammered with last week. I was somewhat disappointed that the course was canceled because I was kind of excited to teach it for various reasons. First and foremost, I feel passionate about the subject matter. Did you know that according to a study by the Department of Veterans Affairs, approximately 22 Veterans die by suicide every day? Did you know that the suicide rate per 100,000 in 2013 was 28.9% for National Guard Service Members? Those are pretty astonishing numbers given that the national suicide rate for the United States is around 12%.

Additionally, despite a significant surge in training and awareness around the subject, the suicide rate for Reservists actually INCREASED in 2013. One of the ways in which the National Guard has responded to the issue is to train a certain number of Soldiers within the units to be “Suicide Intervention Officers.” Even though EVERY Soldier is trained via the ACE Program (Ask, Care, Escort) to intervene if his or her battle buddy may be suicidal, the Suicide Intervention Officers have additional training and resources. Suicide Interventions Officers are not only trained via the ACE Program but also through a two-day program called ASIST- Applied Suicide Intervention Skills Training. This is an empirically, research-based program developed by LivingWorks Education that has been used for over 30 years. It is highly effective and in my opinion, a very good program. In November I was trained as an ASIST Trainer meaning that I can now teach Soldiers how to be Suicide Intervention Officers.

So anyway, back to the story on how I was disappointed the course was canceled. This would have been my second ASIST course for which I was an assistant trainer. After teaching my first course back in January, I realized I actually REALLY enjoy teaching, especially if I know the material and feel confident about the subject. As I already stated, I am passionate about preventing suicide. I also really enjoy teaching this course because it is somewhat of a break from the “normal” military type of operations. In fact, all trainers and participants in the course are required to wear civilian clothes. Uniforms and ranks are not authorized at all over the two day period and I enjoy dressing up outside of the uniform every once in awhile. That creates an interesting dynamic amongst people who wear the uniform almost every single day of their lives for almost 20 years. People are a little shocked at first when a Captain calls them by their first name or introduces herself as “Molly.”

There are several different reasons behind why uniforms and ranks are not authorized during the training. I agree with all of them but will not elaborate on all of them here. One of the reasons, which may seem obvious to readers, is that many personal beliefs and experiences revolving around suicide are discussed during the two day period. The ASIST program’s success lies in the fact that it is based around group discussion and participation. It makes it easier to enable discussion and promote learning around a very sensitive subject when participants are not looking at ranks or dropping a “Sir” or a “Ma’am” every other sentence. I completely agree with this and have witnessed numerous highly emotional story sharing sessions as both a participant and a trainer. Taking off the uniform, so to speak, for training purposes allows people to share their stories and give all the not-so-pretty details about their lives to another person (theoretically) without fearing any judgment or dealing with the invisible barrier to conversation that the uniform or rank may create. Unfortunately, as Suicide Intervention Officers, Soldiers are embedded within the units and are most likely going to be wearing the uniform AND rank if and when they are approached by a Soldier who may have thoughts of suicide. Yes, they could be approached in civilian clothes off duty, but a majority of the time, especially as National Guard Members, we see each other over drill weekends in uniform. As Soldiers, we are taught to fight like we train so the whole no uniforms, no rank thing got me thinking…

There are legitimate reasons behind why we wear uniforms and why we have a rank structure in the military. Many professions require its members to wear uniforms. We cannot get rid of our uniforms so how can we notionally remove our uniforms and ranks thereby removing those subtle barriers to conversation and promoting a safe, story sharing environment? How can we make ourselves approachable by Soldiers even though we wear a uniform with rank? How do we create an environment where Soldiers feel safe confiding in us and asking for assistance with any problem they may have, not just suicide? Is taking off our uniforms and ranks the only way to create such an environment? Should we teach more subjects using the ASIST restrictions against wearing uniforms? Should we hold more meetings, trainings, and outings with our Soldiers in civilian clothes? No, I don’t think that is quite necessary and I am being a little facetious.  However, I think it is something to ponder. I think as leaders, as humans even, we can create such an environment without literally having to strip ourselves down.

To that end, I think that learning how to metaphorically strip yourself down is a life-long process that is never ending and never perfected and I definitely don’t have all the answers for how to do it. However, I do feel that it’s about exposing your vulnerable, “naked” self and allowing the other person (i.e. the person or Soldier who may be confiding in you) to really see YOU not your uniform, rank, badges, certifications, awards, titles, degrees, etc, etc, etc. It’s about not hiding behind possessions and accomplishments in order to avoid accidentally revealing a weakness. It’s about LISTENING instead of TALKING all the time. Let me tell you, most people with problems just want somebody to listen in this world that won’t stop talking. They don’t give a shit about your degrees or other qualifications so stop talking about yourself. It’s about being HUMBLE and learning HUMILITY - not thinking less of yourself necessarily but thinking of yourself less.

Anyway, I’d love to hear from you! In which environments do you feel safe sharing your story? How do we create these types of environments? How do we strip down from our uniforms and ranks without literally taking them off? Do you create these types of environments in your respective work place? How do we create these kind of environments for our families?