Let's Have a Discussion...About Discussion

Introduction:
What is the purpose of dialogue? What is the difference between a lecture and a fruitful discussion? Because two sides are talking or yelling, is a dialogue really taking place? If so, if it's not respectful, how effective is it?

I'm writing the introduction to this post on Election Day and the relevance of the topic of our first group post-the purpose and value of respectful dialogue-stares me starkly in the face. Though today's topic was prompted by recent comments and discussions on last week's blog, it is far too evident the US populace at large could do with a little soul searching on this topic. In all but some circles, I believe we have lost sight of the purpose and value of respectful dialogue. As a group, my sisters and I decided we would post our collective thoughts on why respectful dialogue is important and how we have come to learn and experience this in our own lives. Some thoughts may be repeated, as we write independently of one another and I think if a point is made more than once, there is likely a reason.

Amy:
I wasn't taught the value of respectful dialogue when I was growing up. Honestly, until the past five years of my life, in most situations I was in where opinions differed, I believed my options were yelling or avoiding the situation (either by walking away or shutting down and not speaking my mind). Through counseling and relationships with emotionally mature people, I have learned the value of respectful dialogue.

This is one of the most beautiful gifts I have been given and skills I have learned in my life so far. In my opinion, it takes fortitude and courage to have a respectful dialogue with someone. Blowing someone out is easy-it tends to cut off any additional discussion because the other party will usually either shut down or respond defensively to an attack. The root of the problem will rarely be addressed in this type of interaction, the relationship will not grow and neither party will grow as an individual.

A healthy dialogue takes work. It takes compassion and the willingness and ability to listen. It takes fortitude and courage to state calmly and respectfully an opinion that might be different from many others' opinions or an opinion that might be different from someone you care deeply about. The initial difficulty and discomfort is worth it. In each situation in which I have had a respectful dialogue, I have come away from the interaction with a deeper understanding of the other person, myself, our relationship and the relationship was stronger for it...in both personal and professional relationships. If we want to grow as individuals, in relationship, as communities and as a society, learning the skills of respectful dialogue is essential.

Jill:

As a lawyer, people often mistakenly believe I love a robust debate. The reality is, however, that I don't. It is extremely difficult for me to not feel white hot lightning rise up inside of me at the first sign of a challenge to my beliefs, many of which have been forged as a result of trying life circumstances. So you see, I think I am right because my experience has validated and shaped these beliefs of mine. And I can defend them strenuously. I am THAT person who can think of zingers and demeaning phrases automatically and reflexively. And to be honest, I hate it. If there is one thing I would select to change about myself, it would be those moments where my blood is boiling and I can't seem to stop from selecting the nuclear option. Sure, it feels good to push the button in the heat of battle, but afterward, I feel embarrassed (and maybe a bit ashamed) for being a true asshole. I am trying to temper my words and to self-regulate when triggered. Yet, sometimes, I simply have to implement my own mute button and not say anything because I know nothing good will come if I open my mouth. The juice just ain't worth the squeeze.

I often wonder if anyone else experiences that fight or flight rush in the same extreme way I do. I wonder if I learned this reaction or if it's my biology. I guess it doesn't matter at this point, but I do know I need to work on it daily, hourly, and sometimes, more frequently. The reason I am working on it, with honestly very slow progress, is because it IS true that you can attract more flies with honey than with vinegar. I have never once changed my views because someone jammed them down my throat in a disrespectful manner.  And as a dissident daughter, I have to point out that it is all too easy to write me off as crazy if I'm not careful about how I package my message. Moreover, using hurtful language says more about MY own issues than the other person's, and it also presumes I am all knowing, which I am not. I have had a lot of life experiences, many of which have made me into what I am today. However, just because someone has had different experiences doesn't mean their views aren't supported or real. It just means that different life experiences often lead to different perceptions which lead to different opinions.  By disrespecting another's opinion, what we are really doing is disrespecting their life experiences. Different isn't bad and same isn't good. Same is just easier because it validates our own life experience. Same is also boring because it replicates the life experiences we have already had, which means we can stagnate. Finding people who challenge us and our views is a blessing and an opportunity for growth to occur if it is done in a respectful, mature manner. On the other hand, name calling, defensiveness, and a lack of respect do little more than keep us chained to our past experiences. I'm trying to choose growth. I'm trying to choose acceptance of differences. But most of all, I'm trying to respect the experiences of others because disrespect will only lead to alienation and distance. Don't get me wrong, I'm a passionate person with strong views and opinions and I will defend them. But I think everyone has that right, not just me. So find your voice and express it, but remember, silencing another's voice in favor of your own will only hold you back in the same place you always were.

Molly:
Hi! Molly, the middle sister, here. Having an open, respectful dialogue with someone who may not share your viewpoint or ideals can be frightening and uncomfortable. Many people avoid open dialogues at all costs for fear that they may be “wrong.” This is somewhat understandable; respectful, two-way conversations can put you in a very vulnerable position as you might have to admit that you are incorrect, that you don’t know everything, and that you still have so much to learn about yourself, other people and this beautiful world of which we are blessed to be part.

However, to me, the ability to have an open, respectful dialogue is the mark of a person who has courage.  The word courage comes from the Latin word “cor” which means heart. The original definition, according to Brene Brown- one of my favorite authors- was to tell the story of who you are with your whole heart. Opening yourself up for respectful dialogue is courageous- you are showing the other person who you are with your whole heart. You are laying yourself bare naked on the table of conversation and saying “Hey, I might not know everything. I am vulnerable which also makes me courageous and wholehearted. But being vulnerable, courageous and wholehearted is what connects us as human beings and I want to connect with you.”  Thus, I believe that the ability to have an open, respectful dialogue is what ultimately connects us to other human beings. And that, after all, is what life is all about-human connection.

Anne:
I could analyze for hours the reasons why it is difficult to have open, respectful dialogue. I think that we have significant emotional stake in our opinions, and our belief in their “truth” helps us construct meaning and understanding. I think that we dislike oppressive structures telling us what to think, and so we have created a culture that highly values individual truth. I think that we have had very little experience or wisdom regarding how to have conversations about these topics, and so we have a tendency to avoid them. I could pontificate for hours, but the point is this- it is difficult to have open and respectful dialogue, which is all the more reason that we need to both 1) discuss its relevance; and 2) practice it.

Ultimately, I do not think that any of us has all the answers. Within my own life, I know that I have changed my mind on several topics as I have grown and evolved. Sometimes it has been a complete 180 shift; other times, I have just nuanced my opinion slightly. I do not have all the answers, you do not have all the answers. Your pastor, counselor, government official, professor, mother, nor anyone else has been granted an all-access pass to truth. I believe that greater wisdom is located in a plurality of experiences and knowledge; the more we are able to talk to one another, the more we are able to grow in shared human wisdom.

Moreover, I’m not even sure that finding “agreement” or “truth” is really the primary point of dialogue. If I have a conversation with you about a contentious topic, it is unlikely that either of us will change our mind after one discussion. However, I do hope that I am changed by the experience and that our relationship has deepened. I hope that I have a greater understanding of myself, you, and our individual experiences. I hope that we have developed a stronger relationship and connection. It’s not so much that our beliefs have significantly changed; it’s that we have changed as a result of our interaction.

Kristen:

So, this is actually a topic that I personally really struggle with. Ever since I can remember, mainly referring to disagreements I would have with my mom when I was younger, it was always so hard for me to hear her opinion, thoughts and feelings without immediately getting pissed off if it wasn't what I wanted to hear. In my head I would think how can someone be so ignorant or why are you being so hypocritical. Thoughts would turn into words, words would turn into insults and insults would turn into silence. I was never really taught how or what it meant to have a respectful discussion with somebody and it is still a task I am working on everyday.

I think this is something everyone needs to work on because anytime that a discussion or topic sets you off, there is a personal reason why it set you off to begin with. You may not even know exactly what the reason being for that particular theme to set you off at the time was. This is why it is so incredibly important to self reflect and ask yourself why did that particular statement make me feel hurt and/or sad and/ or angered? Odds are that that particular statement might have struck an area within yourself or a particular area in your life that you already felt a certain way about which then triggered the defensive part of you to come out.

I think another important thing, yet very difficult idea to come to terms with is that sometimes you have to agree to disagree with somebody. Be humble enough to accept the fact that you are not going to change somebody's mind because as you have had your experiences that have shaped your opinions, they have too. It is okay to end a discussion without thinking exactly what the other party thinks; as long as both parties' views were equally shared and listened to, the discussion was a success. Everyone has their own voice and wants it to be heard without someone there to belittle what they believe in. In order to continue to grow we need to respectfully discuss and in order to respectfully discuss we need to continue to grow. <3