12 Year Old Boy

She caresses her naked body, tugging on every bit of loose skin she can possibly find while observing it as carefully as a piece of glass under a microscope. She looks herself up and down in what she thinks to be a tainted mirror, with thoughts of doubt and questions about her appearance racing through her head. Sometimes she's in love with her body while other times she cannot stand to look at who is looking back at her.

Every night before I go to bed and every morning just before getting dressed, this scenario would ocurr. I would analyze myself to a T and pick out everything about my body that I was unhappy about. Thoughts of my hips being to wide, my thighs being too big or if only I wouldn't have drunkenly ate that Pancheros the night before would race through my mind. Sometimes these thoughts would overwhelm me to the point of tears, hatered and disgust, and thinking irrational thoughts about dieting. I would talk myself into believing irrational ideas such as that I had gained weight profusely, even though others would say I looked great. I would have arguments in my head of how I was a piece of shit because I didn't stick to my particular diet and I would condemn myself because I didn't have a six pack of abs and was not a size 4.

Having thoughts like these eventually become extremely wearing on a person because it is hard to feel good about yourself and it is hard to go about enjoying life when you are constantly preoccupied with eating your next meal, when you are going to work it off, and worst yet, what if you didn't have time to work it off. My biggest fear was not one of death nor spiders, but my biggest fear was that I saw myself in a different way than how others perceived me. I constantly asked myself what if I only think I look fine while others may see me as being 300 pounds. I once asked my roommate if our mirror was broken and if it was lying to me, making me look skinnier than I actually was. I've struggled with these irrational thoughts ever since I came to college and depending what I am going through at the time determines how prevalent these thoughts are in my head.These thoughts have always been very disturbing to me, but I would somehow find a way in justifying them as me having an off day and shove them to the back of my head.

I would constantly wish my hips would go away and I would have a straight down body with no curves. I didn't want bigger boobs because if I didn't have them then it would most likely increase my run time. One time, before my friend and I went out, I even asked her, "Don't you ever just wish you had the body of a 12 year old boy, skinny and straight down with no hips or curves?" I was basically, in a sense, wishing away my womanhood.

Then, one night a couple of weeks ago, while I was laying in bed, once again feeling how far my hip bones stuck out, it finally hit me. I came to the utmost fantastic realization that I am not a 12 year old boy; I am a woman. My womanly figure will never shrivel away to that of a 12 year old boy and my boobs and hips sure as hell weren't going anywhere. Why? Because that is a woman's natural anatomy.

This realization sparked a whole different line of thoughts for me. Instead of embracing our womanhood, why are several females striving to eliminate that? Why, instead of embracing that we have hips and boobs so that maybe one day we can carry a child, do we condemn that? And why, while we are embarrassed of being a size 8, do we strive to be a size zero? Sometimes I can't help but wonder if women strive to transform their womanly bodies because in our society being a male is the desired sex. I can't help but wonder if we are slowly trying to, in a sense, eliminate women.

Obviously, because we are human, we are going to have thoughts of doubt every once in a while, but they do not need to control your life. Putting all your energy toward your appearance, weight, and how others perceive you is only taking away from the energy you could be putting toward starting a new organization, getting that new promotion or being a better friend and family member. I still struggle with letting these irrational thoughts control me every once in a while, but I remind myself that I am not a 12 year old boy, nor will I ever get down to being a size zero. I am a WOMAN.

So, now every time I look in the mirror, which has become less and less since I gave my full length mirror away to my roommate, I try to embrace my hips, my boobs and the little bit of extra fat I have on my belly. I remind myself that the woman's body is beautiful and that we should not strive to eliminate it by conforming to that insane ideal of being a size zero. I try and direct my thoughts and energy to something that is more beneficial than worrying about the little flaws that I may never change; because at the end of the day, L
adies, the more time you spend on trying to control every last bit of your diet and image is the less time you have trying to spend  on creating a life and living it. <3