Automotive Adventures

It’s my first blog post! I thought it would be difficult to decide what to post about for my first post as there are usually a variety of subjects that I am currently ruminating about. However, I realized that the majority of my blog posts will probably be a reflective commentary on whatever is currently happening in my life. I have a propensity to analyze and reflect deeply on most subjects. This capacity to think, reflect, and feel intensely is both my greatest gift, as well as my Achilles heel. But I already digress.

Note the lack of hubcaps!! #nothingbutclass

The subject of this week’s post? My car. Prior to this weekend, I have driven the same car for the past 7 years.  I originally bought my '03 Kia Spectra when I was a junior in college, and it was only $5,000. This car did not have cruise control. No automatic locks. No power windows. It was a rather simple car, and time and extended usage were not kind to it. I ran it into a central air conditioning unit that left a large dent in the front. A couple of other people ran into my car throughout the years. (One of which was my own sister and co-founder of this blog- Amy Sue Alesch!). Moreover, I racked up a ridiculous number of miles on the car. I drove it for Pizza Hut as a delivery driver while I was in college at Simpson. Then when I moved to Tennessee for divinity school, my mileage increased exponentially when I drove home for visits. Ironically, I was also forced to find a second job delivering pizzas AGAIN in Tennessee when my catalytic converter bit the big one. (Anyone else see the irony in having a job that uses my car in order to pay for expenses associated with my car?) And then the car came back with me when I moved back to Des Moines. Suffice to say, this car has seen many adventures in its lifespan.

There’s definitely a part of me that enjoyed having a crappy car. For one, it was the subject of many good jokes and stories. I cannot tell you how many crazy things I have done as a result of my car’s moody disposition. I once hitched a ride home with a hotel shuttle service because my car would not start, and I could not get a hold of anyone for a ride.  Additionally, one night this past winter, I was startled as a piece of rubber around the windshield randomly flew off into the darkness of the night. And let me not forget how much I loved to joke about my car’s lack of hubcaps.

But one of the deeper subjects that my car has caused me to reflect upon is that of privilege and consumerism. Yes, I know that those two subjects are written about often, but they are the topics that I have primarily thought about in relation to my car.  Up until literally one month ago, I could not afford to have a different car. But this simple fact- that it was completely not feasible for me to upgrade my car- seemed so difficult for some people to grasp. For example, one time when I came back to visit Iowa while I was in graduate school, one of my friends asked, “Ugh. Are you still driving that crappy car? When are you getting a new one?” I was shocked when she asked me this question. The Anne of 4 years ago just laughed it off, but the Anne of today would probably have challenged the assumptions of this question. I was a full-time graduate student that was surviving on my income, and my income alone. I was actually rather proud of this independence. Of course I could not afford a different car!  In what world would this be an intelligent decision, much less possible? 

I also think about how I picked up a second job delivering pizzas when my car broke down one summer in graduate school. My catalytic converter went bust, and it was going to be about $1000 to fix it. I had to put it on my credit card, and my single day job would not be enough to pay it off in addition to paying my regular bills. And so I went back to what I knew- I picked up a second job delivering pizzas for additional income. Here I was- a student pursuing her Master’s degree from Vanderbilt University- and I was working two jobs, one of which was a pizza delivery driver. I actually rather enjoy delivering pizzas, so I didn’t mind that aspect, but I grew tired of explaining to other students why I had become a pizza delivery driver. For many of them, working two jobs, particularly one that was extremely blue collar, was out of their range of relatable experience.

I certainly don’t mean to paint a “woe is me” picture, for I am acutely aware that even owning a car and pursuing higher education are two experiences that are denied to many. But my past experiences with my own car, held in tension with the awareness I just described, created a bit of a moral dilemma for me when my car finally broke down this past week. I knew it was finally time to get a different car. It was going to be $3000 to fix my transmission, which is an exorbitant amount of money to fix a car that was already on life support. And so I went car shopping.

PURPLE!!!!!!!!!!!!

I ended up buying a 2014 Chevrolet Spark; a car that is both affordable, but is also enough of an upgrade to keep me away from the mechanic. Thankfully, because I started a new job in the past month, I can now afford the car payments. (The subject of serendipity will be a blog post for another time). I feel so thrilled to have a car that has amenities such as cruise control, power windows/locks, Bluetooth linking, and remote start. I’m not going to lie; it feels wonderful to be able to utilize these accessories, and I feel excited about having a upgraded car. However, because I’m reflective, there is a part of me that worries about it. I really appreciate virtue ethics and the notion of cultivating habits, and I wonder what sort of person I am encouraging myself to be. What does it mean that I feel thrilled to have the ease of power locks? What does it mean that I feel thrilled every time I look outside and I see the sparkling purple exterior on my purple car? Am I trying to gain too much of my happiness from material goods? Am I going to increase my need for instant gratification because of the ease of some of these accessories?

Moreover, I think about the money I will have to dedicate now toward a car payment. Money that could have been spent on paying off more of my student loans. Money that could have gone towards traveling to visit family/friends. Money that I could have donated for philanthropic causes. Three scenarios that are very significant to my values and my identity. Am I creating my own prison with a car? Or is it something that is simply necessary on some level? I really did need a car- my current job requires me to travel to community meetings, client houses, as well as travel between our two offices locations. I honestly could not hold this position and fulfill its obligations with a bike or public transit. So I did need a car for my current job, a job that I feel is very meaningful and worthwhile in its own right. 

I’m not sure that I am heading toward any conclusion with this post, and I am fine with that. I simply want to point out the way that I have experienced both privilege and a lack-thereof in association with my own automotive adventures. And my philosophical meanderings do keep my head extraordinarily busy, but I enjoy the internal commentary. And I enjoy sharing it with you all! I would love to hear comments from you. What are your experiences with cars? Funny stories? Do you like your car? Do you have a car? What factors do you consider when you buy something new? How do we address consumerism while acknowledging the realities of its pervasiveness?

Out of Order

Alright, so here goes nothing. I feel like I am doing this whole blog thing backward as I have not even written my “About Me” yet and I am instead posting my first entry. Oh well, I feel better about doing the steps “out of order,” so to speak, after reading Amy’s blog from last week (It Takes a Village to Raise an Amy Sue). As she said, the purpose of the blog is to find support for when you feel like a square peg for society’s round hole. Here I am, a freaking contributor and founder of the blog, already having to talk myself out of feeling crazy for not approaching the blog in the “normal” order (“normal” meaning writing your About Me before submitting your first entry)! Ha! Anyway, I’ll finish my About Me later- don’t you worry. Thank God my younger sister Anne has been kind enough to do a pretty decent job describing me in the meantime, but I digress…

In the absence of my completed About Me, I will just tell you that I am a Captain in the Army. As such, and for numerous other reasons that I am sure will be visited throughout the life of this blog, I have become extremely interested in organizational leadership, bureaucracy, and management as well as in noticing women’s role, or lack thereof, in organizations. Because I am still getting a handle on this whole blog thing, I am not going to go on some huge rant for my first post. I simply want to point out two articles that have had an impact on me this week. They have encouraged a conversation within me and I am hoping they may do the same for someone else.

The first one is from the Harvard Business Review Blog Network and can be found here: http://blogs.hbr.org/2013/08/why-do-so-many-incompetent-men/. You really don’t even need to open up the article, just read the title: “Why Do So Many Incompetent Men Become Leaders?” The author argues that more men become leaders simply because they are more CONFIDENT not because they are more COMPETENT. The author also submits that men’s extreme pride and confidence, often disguised as charisma, is commonly mistaken for their potential as leaders. Alright, so I stumbled across that article earlier in the week. Take from it what you will. Then this weekend, I stumbled upon the second article from Boston.com: “50 Highest-Rated CEOs of 2014.” http://www.boston.com/jobs/news/2014/03/21/highest-rated-ceos/XCQD2NDl7jG25OaQZwFyAK/story.html?pg=51. I briefly scrolled through all 50 CEOs and while I could have made a mistake in my haste, I believe only two women were included in the list of 50. Now, the reasons for this could be debated for weeks. Are women just not highly-rated as CEOs? Or were there only a handful of female CEOs to even rate? Were the highly-rated male CEOs actually competent at their job? Or did they just have the right charisma, perceived as confidence and leadership, to be in the position in the first place and “highly rated” in the second?

Part of me, of course, feels badly that I do not have a more profound discussion about the potential link between the articles or what influence/meaning the articles may have. However, I guess I’m still pondering the articles myself and what they mean for me, personally. I DO want to lead an organization someday- not because I want to be on the top but because I want to lead and inspire change. I’ve been heavily considering getting my MBA or MPA in the near future thinking it would make me more competent. But hell, maybe I should be working on something else. Should I simply be working on my charisma, pride, and confidence in order to get there?!    

It Takes a Village to Raise an Amy Sue

It takes a village to raise an Amy Sue. I can't remember the first time that version of the proverb, "It takes a village to raise a child", popped into my head-it's been there for a while now and makes frequent appearances. I like it when I think of that concept. I am filled with gratitude, humility and love. I am filled with those feelings because I know that the Amy Sue I know and love today would not be here, if not for the care, love, kindness, support, honesty, spirit, energy, guidance, encouragement, patience and generosity of so many people.

There was a time when I was a shell of myself, when I hated myself, when I didn't know myself and I was disconnected from my feelings and my authentic self-a time when I didn't have a voice. If not for the many beautiful people who have given me their love and spirit-some for great lengths of time (continuing to the present) and some for moments-I would still bet that person. It has taken a metaphorical "village" for me to be able to love myself, to find my voice, to be an authentic human and to be vulnerable and truly loving. Not all of it was pleasant; it was all worth it.

As this blog continues, I will share more about all of this. For now, I want to say I hope this blog is part of your village-a place to find support when you think you are the only person who feels crazy, like a square peg for society's round hole; a place where discussions of sometimes uncomfortable ideas can be had in a respectful fashion-because for true growth to occur, sometimes we need to be pushed past our comfort level and sometimes we have to be okay with the unknown.

My sisters are a (significant) part of my village-four beautiful women in spirt, mind and body. I am them and they are me and we not completely each other. We are Dissident Daughters because every one of us has felt the pain and struggle of being outside the norm, outside of what is expected of someone our age, our gender, our position (insert any of society's simplifying categories here). We are Dancing because we also nurture joy, excitement and a love for  life.

This blog will celebrate both of those parts of our selves. It has taken a village to raise an Amy Sue and my village is still growing, as am I. This blog is a part of that and a product of that. I am grateful and honored to be writing this with my beautiful sisters and for our first and future readers. I know there is so much yet to be given and spoken and exchanged and challenged and loved.

"Target Photo Shopped Pictures Seem to be Endorsing the Thigh Gap Trend"

"Target Photo Shopped Pictures Seem to be Endorsing the Thigh Gap Trend" I saw this on Yahoo! News last Wednesday while I was attending a Drug Endangered Children Seminar. Once you get over the fact that I still rely upon Yahoo! News, please read on. 

At the time I read the article and viewed the corresonding photo, I was sickened, saddened and shocked. My initial reaction was true to my rather blunt nature and went something like this: "C'mon ladies, we are creating our own prisons here." What I mean by that is that we, as individuals, choose what standards we accept and incorporate into our lives. I am not an advocate of obesity, but I am also not an advocate of the opposite extreme which requires women to adhere to such restrictive patterns of eating that meals become a source of discomfort. There was a time when breaking bread together was a communal experience. Now it seems that meals have become more about what we can or cannot consume, or worse, a struggle to exert control in a relatively out of control world. And for what end? To obtain a thigh gap? Something unnatural that is no more worthy of our time and efforts than Chinese foot binding once was? But we, as women and girls, make the choice to internalize, enforce and accept this unrealistic standard of beauty. We have been taught that we have normalized obesity. However, I think the reality is that we have criminalized it, and in doing so, we have idolized an equally unrealistic standard. If we as a gender refused to accept these self-imposed standards, perhaps we could all begin to break bread together and focus on being healthy rather than whether or not we have thigh gaps.  But Jill, you say, men won't like us if we don't meet this unrealistic standard.  To that I say, bullshit--another self-imposed myth.  Again, I am not advocating obesity for either gender.  What I am saying is that at some point, we as a gender won't be able to get any smaller or weaker  and so perhaps we should think about redefining what it means to be beautiful as a woman.  I know plenty of women who don't have thigh gaps that I would consider beautiful, amazing and powerful.  Now that's a standard I can get behind and a standard that I would hope would allow our gender to blossom and bloom, instead of wither and die. 

The other reason I was sickened is because I had sat through two days of intensive training about the risks that children are exposed to when their parents use drugs -- hence the term Drug Endangered Children. Children have been horribly abused and even killed by parents who are high on some kind of substance. Why is it that thigh gap is even worthy of our time and attention? Why do we continue to elevate irrelevant, materialistic concerns over more worthy causes? How could I possibly even begin to care about a thigh gap after reading about a father who ate out his son's eye while high on PCP? I understand we can't be serious all the time and that we can't constantly focus on depressing or serious issues. At the same time, however, so much of our energy and talent seems to be wasted on perseverating on things like "thigh gaps." Women, we have the power to change the damned world. But society, through our acquiescence, has us so focused on irrelevant matters that the status quo prevails. I challenge each and every one of you to consider whether diverting our attention to irrelevant matters is simply a covert way of maintaining a white, male dominated status quo.

Jill