Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer

Listening is a significant part of being able to be in relationship with one another. I could wax poetic all day about how it’s integral for empathy, wisdom, deepening bonds, and communication, but that’s not the point of this post. Indeed, you would be hard pressed to find someone who doesn’t think that listening is important, so I’m not going to pontificate about its significance.

And yet. Despite the fact that the vast majority of people would agree that listening is important, another significant number of people also complain constantly that humans suck at it. Now, I WILL assert that communication and human relationships are complex, so it is certainly true that listening will always demand intense effort, and it will never be a perfect dynamic between individuals.

That being said- I actually have to vehemently agree with the throngs of individuals that complain that people are generally poor listeners. Anecdotally- as well as probably research somewhere- supports the notion that we are not very effective and supportive listeners. I’ve witnessed just how damaging it is when people come to me and tell stories of how they are deeply hurting from having family and friends not listen to them. It engenders intense feelings of loneliness when others do not listen to us, and it also feels as though our worth as a human being is invalidated. It’s an incredibly painful experience.

Moreover, as I’m also a human being with thoughts and feelings, I’ll admit that I also have a pony in this race. I want people to be better listeners, and part of it is for my own needs desires. Now, in particular, I’m really, really tired of people telling me that I don’t talk about myself enough. What the what?! How does that connect to the topic at hand?! Yes, you read that sentence correctly, and yes, it’s pertinent to the subject of listening. You see, I am one of those rare human individuals that does not talk about herself or her life very often, and if I do, it’s not often a prolonged monologue. Do you want to know WHY I don’t talk about myself much? Well, there are several reasons, and one of them is because I know what good listening looks like, and most people are really.bad.listeners. Hear me clearly- most people are wonderful individuals with noble intentions, but they are still really.bad.listeners because that’s just how incredibly pervasive this endemic of poor listening is within our culture. (I could also go on a diatribe about why so many people are poor listeners- and I actually think most of it is because we aren’t taught how to do it or encouraged to practice it- but that’s also not the point of this post.) And so I’m personally not going to spend my energy talking about my precious thoughts and feelings to someone if they do not know how to listen and engage them. I do share some detailed stories, thoughts, and feelings with some people, but only if they are a diamond in the rough and I know that I am actually being heard.

And so, I really, really want to write this post with some basic guidelines and tips about listening to one another. I just want to set out a few practical guidelines for people because I KNOW that people have good intentions, but I want them to know that if they want to be good listeners in their relationships, they have to practice and be intentional about growing this skill.

Now, of course I have to have a couple of disclaimers before I launch into “Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer.”

A)    First of all, I am not perfect. I know that everyone needs to work on their listening skills, including myself. That being said- I DO think that I have a pretty strong leg to stand on when it comes to dispensing these guidelines, and I will admit that I do think that I am an excellent listener. First of all, I have a natural gift for listening. I am endlessly curious about other people’s experiences, perspectives, thoughts, and feelings, and this alone makes me a great listener because I genuinely care about what other people have to say, and I’m less concerned with hearing myself talk. Second, I am professionally trained in listening, and I do it for a full-time career. I’ve taken academic courses on the subject, I’ve been in guided practicums and internships, and now, I am paid to listen to other people for a living. So, yes, I have credentials beyond simply being a human being with this particular subject.

B)    …And now, before I get accused of being too bragadoucious, I want to say that while I am gifted in this particular area, I also am aware of many areas where I am abysmally horrible. For example, several wonderful people have tried to teach me how to crochet, and my poor little brain literally cannot pick up on this seemingly basic skill. So, while I am going to claim that I am gifted in the area of listening, there are many other areas in which I completely suck. Moreover, I also know that this means that not everyone is going to be an expert listener because some people are simply going to have more of an aptitude for it than others. I don’t expect everyone to be a professional listener; however, I do think that these guidelines are helpful for every day human beings conversing and relating to one another.

Listening 103: An Anne Alesch Primer

1)    Do not talk insert yourself into someone else’s experience and talk about yourself unless you honestly believe it is for the benefit of the other person.

I get it- we get excited when we hear about someone else’s experience and we realize that it connects to our own. And because we are excited about the connection we discovered, we want to talk about it! For example, if someone talks about a vacation that they are planning to the Bahamas, then you might feel excited because it reminds you of the vacation that you took to the Bahamas! And oh my gosh- wasn’t that vacation so wonderful and amazing, and HOW COOL IS IT that now your friend is going there?! You need to tell them about this amazing connection and about YOUR OWN vacation to the Bahamas! You want to talk about yourself!!!

No, actually, you DO NOT usually need to automatically bring your own experience into the conversation. Your friend is talking about HER vacation to the Bahamas. Let her talk about HER plans, HER excitement, and HER details. No really- please just be quiet for awhile!!! Maybe when the two of you are finished talking about HER trip to the Bahamas, THEN you can talk about your previous trip. Or maybe, you can bring up your trip to the Bahamas, but only if it is helpful to your friend. Perhaps she is concerned about how to rent a car, and you know a great car rental place, and so you suggest that you could connect her if she needs it. But only bring these up if your experience can highlight or emphasize your friend’s experience. Do NOT bring it up if you want to talk about your own trip and what it meant to you without letting your friend finish.

Seriously. Let the other person talk for awhile. You do NOT need to bring it back to yourself! Really LISTEN to the other person and HEAR their world and experience. Listen to what your friend is going to do on her vacation to the Bahamas, listen to what feelings she has, listen to how this relates to the rest of her life. When you bring up your own experience with your vacation to the Bahamas, it shifts the focus of the conversation away from the other person, and it dampens the connection between the two of you. Instead of your friend being able to share her thoughts and feelings with you, your need to talk about yourself shuts down that connection, and it invalidates her own experience of her upcoming vacation.

This guideline is true for every day conversational topics such as vacations, but if you think about it in terms of more intense topics, its significance grows even more. For example, imagine that someone that is talking about the pain of having just lost his mom to cancer. Can you imagine how hurtful it would be to be sharing about such a vulnerable topic and to have someone else take that away from you because s/he could not listen long enough? Because he or she could not wait to talk about his or her own experience of loss? It would be so hurt to feel invalidated and to not have the space to talk about your own pain and the memory of your unique mother.

2)    For the love of God, do NOT try to fix the other person’s problem. Seriously. Sweet Jeezus. DO NOT FIX!

Men get a bad rap about this one, but women definitely do it too. For the love of everything holy, stop trying to fix someone’s problem when they are talking with you. Many people know that they aren’t supposed to try and fix other people’s problems, but they still try and do it anyways.

I’ll give a real-life example for this one. Dissident Daughter Amy was searching for a new job during 2016-2017. And as anyone who has searched for a job knows...it’s a really frustrating experience. Amy would talk to family and friends about the difficulty of her experience as a means of sharing and connecting, and people would often try to “fix” the problem for her. They would suggest recruiting websites…they would suggest professional organizations…they would tell her to revise her resume….etc.

Now, don’t get me wrong- it’s not that those suggestions didn’t have validity. The problem, however, is that we often don’t want (or even really need!) people’s suggestions. Dissident Daughter Amy is incredibly intelligent and well connected- she was already doing a LOT of different things to find the right job. What she really wanted and needed was for someone to hear and share her frustration about how dehumanizing the whole process was. That it was frustrating, that it was scary, that it was challenging, that it was uncertain, etc. What she wanted was to be heard, validated, and to know that the people she had in her life cared about what was happening.

Now, maybe toward the end of the conversation, suggestions could potentially be helpful. But when we jump to “fixing” people’s problems right away, we don’t really hear or listen to them. It again shuts down both the conversation and invalidates the other person, and it does not allow for a full connection. Moreover, it’s really not even the point of the conversation the majority of the time. Most people are fairly capable of researching and thinking about their own solutions. But what they can’t do on their own is to have someone share the moment and process with them.  

3)    Paraphrase and Ask Questions to Invite Further Conversation

Okay, people. There’s a reason why it’s called active listening. And that means that you can’t just sit there like a bump on a log. I’ve seen many people who have mastered the first two steps that I mentioned (IE not talking about themselves and not fixing the problem). However, the issue is that they then seem to gravitate toward this “bump on a log” posture. They sit there, silently, and they just wait for the person to pour their heart out. And maybe the person does talk for a bit- they say several sentences. But...then the other person remains sitting there, still saying and doing nothing. It’s like they are so determined to not be an “overtalker” or a “fixer” that they have decided that they will say or do nothing at all so that the person has plenty of space to talk.

Unfortunately, that is also NOT effective. Don’t get me wrong- it’s an improvement from talking excessively about one’s self and/or fixing the other person’s problem. But it’s also just a little…awkward, and it's also not helpful. It’s difficult to talk when the other person is not saying or doing anything. You see, the thing is that when we talk, we still need cues and feedback from the other person. We need to have some sense that they are listening to us, and we also need to have some sense of what direction we should go with our thoughts.

How do you gives cues and feedback? Well, for starters, you can paraphrase. Recite back in your own words what you heard the other person say. This has multiple benefits- first, it lets the other person know that we are listening to them. Second, it allows the other person to hear their thoughts stated back to them, and this often helps them reach new insights and realizations when they hear it phrased in a different way from another person.

Or, here’s another easy tactic. ASK THE PERSON QUESTIONS!!!! This is a wonderful device to again show that not only are you listening to the person, but that you genuinely are curious and want to hear MORE about their experience. It feels a-m-a-z-i-n-g when someone asks us a question because we feel as though our words are valuable and that the person wants to learn even more about what we think and feel.

Additionally, asking questions helps people subtly think in a new direction and explore their options. And again, simple is often best. For example, someone was talking about how they want to stop catering so much to societal expectations with what their life should look like. A simple question might be, "What does that look like for you?" Or, "What brought you to this realization?" These questions help the person better articulate what they mean, and they may also reach new realizations ON THEIR OWN through the process! 

4)    Validate and Affirm

This one is huge, and it goes a LOOOOOONG way. Ultimately, many people really just want to know that their feelings are justified and that they aren’t ‘crazy.’ One of the most effective ways to support and listen to someone is to simply validate their thoughts, feelings, and experiences.

Let’s use a fairly common example for this one. Let’s say your friend, Jennifer, was just broken up with by her boyfriend, Matt. Now, many of us when we hear this usually go to one of three places. We may A) Get angry and threaten to beat his ass; B) Immediately insert our own experience of what it was like when WE were broken up with by our boyfriend and then we start talking about ourselves; C) We try to “fix” Jennifer’s problem. We start talking about the new dating apps she can use or how this means that she can really concentrate on her career now.

None of those are what Jennifer needs. Jennifer doesn’t need you to hate this person that she loved. If you hate the person she loved…it basically says that she was stupid for dating him in the first place. Nor does Jennifer need you to talk about YOUR breakup. For the love of God, she needs to talk about her breakup as it’s happening in the here and now! Not to mention- while you have indeed had the experience of being broken up with, that does NOT mean that your experience is the same as hers! And finally, Jennifer does not need you to “fix” her problem. She’s in pain RIGHT NOW, and she’s not in a place where she needs to hear about the future. I get that we try to do this because we want to "cheer the other person up" and we hate seeing them hurting. However, trying to “fix” Jennifer’s pain basically tells her that she is wrong to feel sad and that she shouldn’t feel that way. It invalidates her feelings and her experience, and it tells her that if she would only concentrate on dating apps and her career that she wouldn’t feel as crappy as she does now. It's not meeting the other person where they are right now. 

Instead, Jennifer needs you to validate and affirm her experience. And it’s amazing how simple it is. Something simple and validating might be, “Oh Jennifer. That really sucks. I know that you really liked Matt, and it must be so painful to go through this right now. I imagine you keep wondering what happened and what you are going to do.”

It’s simple, and yet it is SO HARD for people to do this. We get all convoluted with trying to fix the other person’s pain that we miss the point. The point is that Jennifer is hurting, and we just need to validate that it’s understandable that she feels this way. And when people listen to us and validate our feelings…it’s amazing. We realize that our experience is authentic and true. We realize that we aren’t crazy. We realize that someone cares about us.

Now, because this is a blog post and not a book, I’m going to stop. Obviously, we could add several other suggestions- I didn’t even touch on the topic of body language! However, I think that these four would be some of my top suggestions for the average human being. And like I said, I don’t think that everyone can or needs to be a professional listener. We are all skilled in various ways, and not everyone has the ability or desire to listen at a professional level.

However, we ARE all human beings. And if we want to have fruitful and meaningful relationships with each other- if we want to support others and have them feel heard and affirmed- then we need to intentionally learn and practice how to be better listeners.

Now, when you read this post, I imagine that several of you nodded your head and remembered occasions where someone didn’t listen to you very well. And I know that it sucked, and you wish that the other person had done better.

But, I also want to challenge you- can you remember all of the times that you were guilty of not listening? How can you improve your listening skills?

An Imperfect Halloween

I was talking to a friend the other day on the phone who was telling me that she had not done family photos for a really long time because she did not like to be photographed. I told her that I did not understand why as I always thought she photographed well. I said, “Even the silly photos on Facebook, I think you always look good” to which she responded something like, “Well, of course! Those are the best of the best and highly screened before they are posted.” I laughed and said, “Well, isn’t that what everyone does?”

I totally get it and I’m equally guilty. I rarely post photos on social media, but when I do, the pictures I post are the ones that I would not feel ashamed of printing up and hanging in my home or office. And I think that’s okay…on social media. However, people (again, myself included – I am not perfect!) sometimes try to also live their real lives like this: letting the world only see the “picture perfect” parts of their lives. When we are not aware of doing this or when we do this more often than not, I believe it becomes dangerous for numerous reasons but mostly because 1) it is hard to consistently live a lie and can result in anxiety, depression, etc. and 2) we connect the most with people when they see our whole selves including the messy, not picture-perfect parts.

This past Tuesday was Halloween. I did not post the obligatory kid-in-costume photo or family-in-costume photo that night or even the day after (mostly just because I didn’t get around to it as a priority) but I sincerely love looking at the Halloween posts on social media - the kids in their animal costumes that make you want to eat them up, the families that pull off some amazingly creative matching costumes, the people that can manage to get their pets to keep their costumes on long enough for pictures AND a walk around the neighborhood, the couples that are apparently budding artists who carve pumpkins together for date night. I love it all.

Unfortunately, this was not us this year. LJ had a costume so that was a plus but poor Daphne (our dog) got neglected. I didn’t even remember to dig her costume out of storage and she didn’t even get a picture taken. Instead, she just barked ALL night at the trick or treaters. Not that she cared; I am just proving my point that this year I was far from those people who get their pets to keep costumes on AND walk around the neighborhood.

We were also far from that family that pulls off amazingly creative costume themes. Hell, I only managed to scrounge something together at 5pm the night of Halloween by digging out an old witch hat that I had from about 6 years ago when my sister Amy and I visited Salem. So I was a little festive but I was by no means in theme with LJ’s costume which was a dinosaur. Larry, stayed in his lounge clothes all night while he cooked (thank God!) and handed out candy.

We did manage to get pumpkins this year. Larry bought them back in September from our CSA. However, it is now November 3^rd and they still sit uncarved on our front steps. Whoops. Guess we didn’t get around to that! Even if we had gotten around to it, I’m guessing that any grade school kid could have probably done a better job AND it probably wouldn’t have been done over some romantic date night. Larry and I probably would have done it in a rush while LJ was napping or in a fog after LJ had gone to bed for the night.

Anyway, I really wish I could tell you all that we had a Halloween that rivaled what appears to happen in pictures in Home and Garden and on Pinterest. The perfectionist in me would love to be able to say that. BUT the human part of me knows that it is somewhat unrealistic and okay to be imperfect. In fact, it’s more than just okay to be imperfect, I’d argue it’s necessary to be imperfect in order to connect with others and build deeper relationships. So here you go, I am finally posting my obligatory Halloween photo (see above). And while I do have a better, more picture –perfect photo, I am choosing to post the imperfect one (LJ is giving me a look of disdain and I could critique myself to no end) to sort of parallel this blog post. I hope that you, too, are able to sometimes share your imperfect photos as well as your imperfect selves.

Note: I realize that blogging about an imperfect Halloween is far from sharing some of the larger, more shame producing imperfections that some of us deal with (addictions, relationship problems, health scares, etc). In a way, it’s like a “first world” imperfection. But hey, we have to start somewhere, right? Also, sharing those seemingly larger imperfections on the internet might not be the first place you choose to share your whole self. J

What If?

Harvey Weinsten, an American film producer and co-founder of Miramix, has recently been accused of numerous allegations of sexual harassment, sexual assault and rape.  I really didn’t know much about Weinstein until recently but according to Wikipedia, which is about all the further I care to look into the guy, he produced Pulp Fiction and Clerks and won an Academy Award for producing Shakespeare in Love.  He has also been the recipient of seven Tony Awards for producing plays and musicals, including The Producers.  The allegations against Mr. Weinstein stemmed from an investigatory news piece published by the New York Times on October 5, 2017.  You can read the story here: https://www.nytimes.com/2017/10/05/us/harvey-weinstein-harassment-allegations.html.  The investigation revealed allegations stretching over nearly three decades, including eight legal settlements.  Mr. Weinstein was recently fired by his company’s board of directors and expelled from the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.  Great, right?  Not surprisingly, this self-proclaimed asshole doesn’t exactly think so.

I commend the Board for taking action.  The problem is, of course, that the action should have been taken decades ago.  Why didn’t the board terminate Mr. Weinstein after his second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth or seventh legal settlement.  One time may be an anomaly but after that, well, let’s just call it a pattern.  Perhaps the Board didn’t fire Mr. Weinstein because its by-laws prevented it, but I suggest to you another, more sinister reason probably underlies the utter failure to take action in the wake of eight different legal settlements for similar conduct—We simply do not believe women.  Anytime there is an allegation against a high-profile male figure, the general reaction is the same—She wanted it, she had buyer’s remorse, and she just wants money.  Contrast that with the narrative that is commonly attributed to the accused—He is a such a good guy, he is essential to the company, and he couldn’t have possibly done that.  Before any investigation, we already have started a script based upon contempt for the female accuser.  A woman who reports sexual assault or sexual harassment has to defend herself and her actions unlike any other crime.  For example, if my TV is stolen, the entire investigation starts from a place of accepting that a crime was committed and my TV, was in fact, stolen.  I don’t have to answer questions about whether I really wanted my TV to be stolen, or if I was showing it off by allowing it to be viewed through my window.  But if I report a sexual assault, the investigation starts from a place of disbelief.  It is not surprising that women don’t want to go to the police to be subjected to a cross-examination about what they were wearing, whether they resisted forcefully enough or whether they said no loudly and plainly enough. 

Knowing this, as a society we have the lost the right to act surprised or appalled when stories about Harvey Weinstein or Bill Cosby are published.  The question shouldn’t be how this could happen because we have tacitly accepted and therefore, created the conditions that enable and allow predators to prey.  Rather, the questions really should be why we don’t believe women and what would change if we did. 

The One Seemingly Unquestioned Act

"Who gives this woman to be married to this man?" I am not exaggerating when I say I literally wanted to walk out of the ceremony. I could not believe that I am here, in 2017...long after dowries, women obtained the right to vote, women in the work force...and I was hearing these words. I'm just going to be blunt. That's fucked up.

I will preface this by saying I have not been married. I am not opposed to it-in fact, I feel it is a very beautiful, intimate, loving commitment between two people who choose to embark on what could be a wonderful, enriching journey together. At some point in my life, I would like to reach that point with a partner because I do think it is valuable, beautiful, and the most intimate commitment one can make. That said, I definitely have opinions on what my marriage ceremony would look like...and it would not involve the sexism that is overt and inherent in nearly all wedding ceremonies.

It starts with the engagement. In heterosexual relationships, typically the man asks a woman's father for her hand in marriage. I have always said that if someone asked my dad for permission to marry me, I'd call it all off. Wtf. Seriously, wtf. Does anybody think about this? I understand it's "tradition" but when a tradition serves to uphold overt sexism in a society, I think it requires serious questioning and thought. Why would any man need permission from another man to ask a woman to marry him? Why is the woman's acceptance alone not enough? This harkens back to when women were essentially property and had no will of their own...merely pawns passed from one man to another. Yet, people still engage in this diminishing act today-and revel in it, if not require it.

While we're on the topic of engagement...why does only the woman wear an engagement ring? My view of a marriage is that both parties should be equally excited. Both parties would want to publicly demonstrate their commitment to each other, which can be a beautiful thing. So...again, I ask, why does only the woman wear an engagement ring? It serves as a sign that she is taken, claimed...yet the man has no such symbol. The engagement ring serves as a visual reminder that a woman has been spoken for by a man...a signal to all other men to back off...yet the man does not have anything, at this point, symbolizing his relationship to a woman.  Either both should have it or neither should have it. #sexist

The other thing that pisses me off about engagement rings is how ridiculous women act about them. Somehow, women's worth is measured by 1) the fact that they have one (or don't) and 2) how big it is. I do not understand why women don't think it is fucked up to measure one's self worth by the fact that some man gave her a ring. And I am not exaggerating. It's like a woman has "made it" once she has a diamond on her left ring finger. Trust me...I have been privy to many of these interactions. If you want a diamond, go buy one yourself. I've even been guilty of saying something about a ring just because I don't really think the act of getting engaged is that big of an accomplishment and I needed something to say, that is how ingrained it is for everyone to ask the woman about THE RING (talk to me when you're married and still happy in 25 years and then I'll congratulate you-but that's beside the immediate point). The ring is the main focal point of an engagement for a woman-which is also fucked up because the focal point should be the couple and their happiness.

Aaaaaaanddddd...still on engagement...the man is traditionally the one who is expected to propose. Yes, I saw the episode of friends where Monica proposed to Chandler and I was excited and felt liberated that a popular TV show would portray something so outside the norm. And yes, I am friends with one couple where the woman asked the man...so before anyone throws out the few anomalies to the rule-I am aware. That doesn't change the fact that the man, 99% more often than not, is given the power to decide if, when, and where to propose...and most times the woman is dangling wondering if and when it will happen. Again, I go back to partnership. It is beyond me, why, if this is truly an intimate and equal partnership, each party wouldn't make a decision together that they wanted to get married and then embark on the journey TOGETHER. Traditional, heterosexual proposals give the man all of the power, right from the get go. #sexist

Next up...bridal shower! It says it right there in the name! I've never heard of a groom shower. I do know some couples who have held a wedding shower for both-and thankfully, this seems to becoming more common-but the fact remains that I and many women I know have been invited to traditional bridal showers in the past year...with (yawn) traditional gifts centered either around the household or sex. Now, I'm not going to act like I don't like a good sex gift, but both of these are the traditionally typical roles a woman is expected to fill in the household. Why do most showers focus on these things? #sexist

Personally, I'd like a sex gift or two mixed in with some athletic gear that I'd actually use. If this is truly what a particular woman wants, go for it. What I am so tired of and irritated by is the unwillingness to have an authentic experience based on what friends know about the couple. A wedding shower could be going to a baseball game, if that's something the couple likes to do. It gets at what I think should be the main focus-celebrating a couple's desire to make the most intimate commitment to each other...not fulfilling traditional roles and stereotypes just because "it's always been done like this." It is atypically a celebration for the woman because this is the "biggest day of her life"...and yet, the man doesn't celebrate until his bachelor party, which is typically known as his last hurrah (hence, the strippers and strip clubs) before he becomes encumbered by the "old ball and chain" and proceeds to have a mundane, "settled down" existence (see rant below). How much more opposite in perspectives and views can you get?

So...we're not even to the ceremony yet, and we're mired in sexist traditions and actions. Sexist traditions and actions that women willingly partake in and promote. I get it, if you believe men are the head of the household, not to be questioned and a woman votes the way her husband tells her to...then this all makes sense in that world view. What I don't understand is all the women who believe women should have equal pay for equal work, equal representation in our government, that child rearing responsibilities are not solely women's work, and that women are independent beings, who still embark on this sexist journey without question!

Onward to the wedding preparation. It is my understanding and desire that marriage is an intimate partnership. This is not demonstrated in the wedding preparations at any time up to or really during the wedding. The preparation, in most situations, falls solely to the female. It is widely "known" that a wedding is the woman's "big day". In many cases, "common knowledge" tells a woman this is the best day of her life. Contrast that with the messages men get about their wedding day...here are a few if you can't readily think of any (though I know we all can)...ever heard of the old ball and chain? ever seen "game over"? Those are the messages men get from society...so on the one hand, this is the day most women aspire to and the best day of her life and on the other hand a man is preparing to end life as he knows it and get ready to, I don't know what...never have fun again?

If marriage is truly a partnership, why this diverging of messages? And why do we allow this mentality to continue? I'm sorry, but if my partner really thinks his life is altering that much by marrying me, I would be the first one to say, hey, man, don't do it! Go ahead-tell me it's all just joking around...but it is a lot more than that. The words we use and the sentiments that go along with them are extremely powerful narratives in our lives. So, here we are with the woman stressed out and planning the perfect day (because it will be the best day of her life) and the man may be consulted for an occasional seating arrangement or dance song. I will interject here that weddings are sexist, mostly to the detriment of women, but they are sexist for men, too. Why does it matter so much less what a man wants? It is his big day, too, and quite often the groom is like an afterthought thrown on top of the cake to complete the picture.

And then here we are...the actual wedding day. Although, white wedding dresses haven't always been a tradition, they soon rose in popularity and came to symbolize innocence and virginal purity. Really? Again, like I said...if you subscribe to a certain belief system, this might be a truly authentic choice for you. But...pretty much everyone I've ever seen married does not hold this belief system...that women should remain virginal and pure (and, I guess, as usual, no standards or double standards for the men)...yet they participate in a tradition that is a visual affirmation of cultures that punish unmarried women's sexuality. Is that really the message you want to send on a day that is about you and your partner intimately connecting and committing? Again, I just don't understand why people don't think about this.

(Side note-not along the sexist lines but I also don't understand why every wedding has to look pretty much the same...sure, there may be one or two different songs and someone may have sleeves or no sleeves on their white dress...but I can pretty much tell you what a wedding is going to look and feel like. Where is the personality and authenticity in that?! If this day is so special, shouldn't it look and feel like the two of you?! I heard someone had a Beetlejuice wedding because the couple loved Beetlejuice...so the wedding party dressed in that theme...and I thought, finally! What a fun wedding and what an expression of what that couple is! The way it's done for the most part...unless you look at their faces, every wedding looks like every other wedding, looks like every other wedding...ad nauseam.)

On to the ceremony...I will admit this has at least gotten better in recent history. However, I have literally been to weddings this summer that still invoke extremely sexist language during the course of the ceremony. (I'm not going to harp on this too much, because, as I said, it is getting better and I'm not writing a book, though it may seem it, and I think we all know the traditional sexist language of "obey".) That said, the wedding I was just at last week made a point to use equal language during the ceremony and still started out with, "who gives this woman to be married to this man?". Where is the disconnect? I don't understand the cognitive dissonance necessary to insist on language of equality during a ceremony and still engage in every sexist accompaniment in all other aspects.

Aaaaaaaannnnndddd...for the coup de grace...the woman changes her last name to the man's. And not only does she do this, typically, she's very excited about it! Because, I guess, that means you've made "it". Whatever "it" is. One question...why doesn't the man change his name? Why is the man's name given more weight than the woman's? Why doesn't the man have to trade in the identity he's held his entire life for a new one? I had a conversation with a coworker when I was in my twenties and he was arguing this point with me. I'm not unreasonable (I've been in agreement with a Republican before, for chripes sake, ha!) so I wanted to hear what could possibly defend the finishing stroke-the moment a woman is truly a completely different identity (yet the man remains the same...because I guess he didn't need a change to be "complete" or "worthwhile"). Maybe there was a valid reason I hadn't thought of. He started out with the age old, well, if you have kids, you want them to have the same last name as you. So I said, yes, I could understand that...so you could combine names and make a new one (I know a lot of people don't like hyphenated names and, personally, that would probably annoy me). I know people who have done that (think Brangelina, just with last names) or, weird, you could both take the woman's last name-it doesn't always have to be the man's. Well, that was unacceptable and he did not have any logical reason for discounting my two suggestions.

So, it boils down to tradition and the sexism inherent in that tradition. I will give you that one person is not a statistically significant survey-but I do know that more often than not, the woman willingly changes her name and is excited about that fact. And I don't need to do a research study to know this is socially engrained-a woman is socially conditioned and told all of her life that her wedding day will be the biggest and best day of her life and she starts writing her name in notebooks in third grade with the last name of the boy she likes. I doubt any boy has doodled in his notebook with hearts and his first name with the last name of the girl he likes, or a combination of both their names. What a woman is really doing is relinquishing her identity-who she was before and the connections and achievements she was associated with in her single life (think about it...even the term "maiden name" reeks of sexism and puritanical expectations). Men are never asked to do this and I would be willing to bet most wouldn't consider it and some would be offended by the suggestion. To add insult to injury, along with the name change, a woman becomes a Mrs. (unless she is "high maintenance "enough to demand Ms. at any time in her life...the nerve!) and a man is...still a Mr. Why do women have a title defining and based on marital status and men don't? #sexist

These are all sexist traditions that go unexamined, for the most part. And, as I said above, I get it if you're of a certain mindset. What I don't understand is women who claim to be progressive and feminist and then when it comes to their own lives and living out ideals that support those identities and ideals, this is the one seemingly unquestioned proceeding. I think it is time to start living our ideals. And if you claim to be a feminist and against sexism, then I passionately maintain it is time to start questioning what the entire marriage process symbolizes and if that fits with your belief system.

The Adolescent Age of Your 20's: 24

Well hey there everyone! I almost feel like I should reintroduce myself to you all since a substantial amount of time has passed since I've last posted, and actually, I feel like a reintroduction may be quite fitting for this particular blog post. So here goes:

My name is Kristen Colleen Alesch. I am 24 years old. I was born and raised in Iowa, but have lived in Memphis, TN for the past three years. For two of those three years I have called myself a Spanish teacher and for my third year, I call myself the School Operations Manager for a charter school that is in its first year of operation. For those of you that have no idea what an Operations Manager is, the easiest way to describe it is the person in charge of keeping the facility functioning. I take care of anything from the ordering/ purchasing of the school, to making sure teachers are equipped with the proper technology to provide a quality education for our scholars, all the way down to calling in an electrician when the lights in the girl's bathroom go out.

Although I am enjoying my new role and would say I have a much better work-personal life balance, transitioning from the classroom into a leadership role has definitely been different for me. I say different for lack of a better word because it has been neither easy, nor extremely challenging, just different than anything I have ever done before. As time goes on, I am quickly learning how to thrive in my new role, as well as help others thrive with me in my new role.

One of the particular aspects that has been "different" for me, which is also the meat of my post, is that I no longer "fit in" with people my age that I work with. What I mean by this is that as a teacher, I was able to vent and talk about happenings at the school with other teachers, as they were my peers and friends. However, now that I am in a leadership position, I can no longer interact with my professional peers in the way that I once did. I cannot discuss my views about the new policies and procedures administration put into place, and I most definitely cannot engage in any type of conversation that entertains gossip about the school. I cannot partake in these types of conversation because I am no longer in a parallel role with the teachers at the school. My new role encourages more interaction with administration, than it does with other faculty, which has been an adjustment for me. My age is a key player in this adjustment because everyone on the admin team is quite a bit older than me, so even tho we make up one leadership team, I feel like I'm the oddball because of my lack of experience and age. I am at the awkward adolescent age of my 20's. I can no longer "shoot the shit" with my peers, but I am still learning what it means to be a leader. I told my sister the other day, "I'm too young to be old, but too old to be young," meaning I'm right smack dab in the middle of wanting to entertain my peers, but also knowing I no longer can do that if I want to be successful in my role.

You can also view me at this adolescent age in my military career. I was recently promoted to E5 Sargent (woot woot!), which I am super happy about because making E5 within your first contract has become rather difficult to do with all of the requirements that must be completed now (SSD, BLC, PT Compliance, etc.). This is also going to be a huge role transition for me, not only because I am saying good-bye to the 1175th in Brownsville, TN, but because I am no longer "just" a solder. I can no longer hang out at the smoke pit and gab about nonsense and inappropriate jokes with my peers because professionally, I am no longer a peer. I am their leader. This will be difficult for me to do because 1) One of the main reasons I love the military is because of the people. When I am at drill, I am truly one of the guys and I enjoy our meaningless conversation most days. 2) Although that professional boundary needs to be established between lower enlisted soldiers (what I was) and NCO's (what I am now),  this doesn't always happen. Therefore, it will be all too tempting to fall back into old habits, but I know that I cannot do that in order to grow as a leader.

Now that I've spoken about me and the adolescence in my careers, let's talk about the adolescence stage of dating (sigh). This one will be rather short, but I just wanted to throw this in there to reiterate the fact that 24 or any age in your lower-mid 20's is just awkward as hell. So, I can only speak for myself, but dating in my 20's hasn't exactly been my cup of tea. I say this because once again, I am right in the middle. Right in the middle of still wanting to go out with friends and do my own thing and not having to worry about a serious relationship, BUT on the other hand, I am over the one night stands and random hook ups. I crave something more consistent and genuine, however, I am not sure I can necessarily have a consistent, genuine relationship while it not being "serious," hence why I am single lol. Too young to be married, but too old to be having random sex. Too young to be old, but too old to be young.

Anyway, I guess being in this adolescent age of your 20's is just another way of communicating that I am in a massive state of transition. Like anything, I need to not question or rush it, but acknowledge it and accept it for what it is. Although it can be very awkward and uncomfortable at times, I also trust that I am growing as a young professional, friend, lover, sister and young woman. Sometimes in a state of transition it's easy to wish that you could fast forward or speed up time, but I am challenging myself and others my age to not do this. Sit back, enjoy the journey, the long-term and short- term people you meet along the way and learn about yourself. Discover your passions, weaknesses, strengths, dislikes, desires and everything else that the adolescent age of your 20's wants to show you.

"The moment in between what you once were, and who you are now becoming, is where the dance of life really takes place." -Barbara De Angelis

Timing, Gifts, and Challenges

It’s weird sitting down to write a blog post. At any given moment, I’m filled with millions of topics that I want to write on and feel passionate about. For example, I want to write a post on the gym as a form of church…finding joy in costumes…and many others. However, when the moment comes to actually write the post…it’s like I have to listen to what is really speaking to me in the moment.

Rght now, this article is what is speaking to me:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/trust-the-timing-of-your-life_us_5995cbcbe4b055243ea136a2?utm_campaign=hp_fb_pages&utm_source=women_fb&utm_medium=facebook&ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000046

There are several points that I take from this article:

1)      Listen to yourself. And, although the article doesn’t explicitly state it, I would add that you should listen to God (or the universe, or whatever term feels most fitting to you. For me, it’s God.) Listen to where YOUR life is leading YOU. I get it. I’m in my 30’s now, and there is strong societal pressure to have your life look a certain way. Although the narrative is not as strong as it once was, there is still significant pressure to be married, have 1.5 kids, own a home, and be on an upward trajectory with your career during this phase of life. And while this “traditional” narrative works for some, it doesn’t fit everyone, nor is the timing the same for everyone.

For example, right now, I still rent an apartment. It doesn’t “fit” for me to own a home. And while I’m certainly not ruling it out for the future, I’m quite happy right now that I don’t own a home. I don’t want to do all of the maintenance required for a home by myself. That’s not how I want to spend my time or energy. I don’t need the space of a home for just me- an apartment works fine. I’m not home that often, and when I am, I’m really only in the kitchen, in bed, or on my couch. I understand some of the financial benefits of attaining equity, but because it doesn’t fit for me right now, I invest my money elsewhere for my future.

Someday I might own a home when it’s a better fit. But right now, it’s not. And that’s okay.

2)      A disclaimer with number 1. Just because I advocate for people following their own narrative, I’m not suggesting that “anything goes.” I’m not suggesting that listening to yourself means following hedonistic pleasure- that listening to yourself means doing drugs, sleeping around with people because that feels good, or doing whatever you want because you can. No, I’m not advocating that, because I think that the mantra of “if it feels good, do it” is detrimental on many different levels and far too individualistic. So please understand- listening to the timing of your life is a deeper philosophy than that. It’s a relational process in which you listen to yourself and you listen to the signs of the world and God (or the universe) around you. It’s not decisions that you make simply based on pleasure and because “you want to” or "you have to." Rather, it's decisions that you make after deep reflection and that give you greater meaning. It's decisions that resonate on a very deep level. And oftentimes, the decisions aren't easy and they will require you to GROW.

3)      Recognize the benefits AND the challenges of whatever phase you are in right now in life because there are benefits and challenges FOR EVERY PHASE. For example, I loved high school sports when I was in the high school phase of my life. I STILL miss playing sports like that. However, there are plenty of challenges from that time period of my life that I don’t miss- such as peer pressure, not having a solid sense of self, etc. And now, with the time period that I’m currently in, it has its own unique benefits and challenges. I love that I’m in a place in my life where I can go to Adventureland 13 times over the summer (yes, that IS how many times I went this past summer, lol!) I love that I’m in a place where I derive significant meaning from my career- from interacting with people in their grief, and also teaching students at Simpson College. That doesn’t mean that there aren’t challenges with this phase in my life, however. For example, I definitely feel the pressure of living with a single person’s income.

Last week, Molly Alesch wrote about living life in phases. And in particular, she described how overwhelming it can feel those first couple of months after having a child while also feeling immense joy from the new life that was created. Like ALL phases of life, that phase offers some of its distinct challenges AND benefits. Just like a phase of retiring from work. Just like the phase of being in elementary school. JUST LIKE ALL PHASES OF LIFE. All phases are filled with unique gifts and blessings, as well as challenges and difficulties. That’s life.

4)      Along with #3…embrace and LIVE into the benefits and challenges of each phase. Don’t think to yourself, “I was so happy back when…<insert time period in the past>.” Because the truth is…you’re probably looking at the past through rose colored glasses. Remember the joys AND the hardships of the past time period. And conversely, don’t think to yourself, “I’ll be so happy when….<insert I get married, I have a child, I’m retired, etc.> Those things alone won’t give you joy or complete your life. Rather, they signify that you are entering a different phase of your life, and again, it will bring with it new joys AND challenges.

What do YOU think about the phase of your life that you are in right now? What do you think about the timing of your life?