“Your family takes the best vacations.” This was a statement recently made to me by a coworker following my family’s latest excursion to the Outer Banks in North Carolina. Short story is that thirteen people – Amy and her husband, Craig; myself and my two kids, Trevor and Brooklyn, Molly and her husband, Larry and their two kids, LJ and Adeline; Anne, Kristen, Grandma and Pops all managed to get to the Outer Banks for an extended week of vacation in celebration of my mom’s 70th birthday. If you haven’t been to the Outer Banks, I highly recommend it. Although it could be, the Outer Banks area is not just another beach getaway. The area contains a unique blend of history and mystery, set in the midst of an oceanic landscape that gives way to large sand dunes and spaciousness. Lighthouses dot the coast, wild horses roam free and lore and fact intersect seamlessly to create legend. Take for example, the legend of how Kill Devil Hills got its name. One theory has it that the name was derived from rum that was strong enough to “kill the devil.” Nag’s Head has a similar myth that suggest it was so named because scoundrels would tie lanterns to necks of ponies (“nags”) and walk them along the high dunes. From the ocean, it would look like the lights of other ships, a ruse which would cause captains to become disoriented and eventually end up shipwrecked on shore whereby their goods could be pillaged. As you might have gathered, the Outer Banks is eclectic with something for all ages. In fact, I could regale you with the tales of our varied adventures – climbing the lighthouses, searching for wild horses, exploring the history of the Wright Brothers’ famous flights in Kitty Hawk, experiencing the mysteries of Roanoke Island, searching for seashells at sunset, watching the sunrise over the Atlantic Ocean, and so much more but I don’t really feel like telling those stories. You can look on any of our Facebook or Insta pages to get a feel for what we did while we were there. No, what I want to write about is what people don’t see in the pictures – the amount of work and sacrifice it takes to pull off a trip of this magnitude.
The reality is that while the pictures may make it look effortless, these kinds of trips require patience, compromise, creative thinking and planning. For starters, coordinating the schedules of thirteen different people with vastly different lifestyles is overwhelming. Two of my sisters are still in the National Guard which means a large portion of their summers are consumed with military training (thank God I finally retired). I hadn’t been back from Africa but a little over a month and I had recently torn my ACL. Going on this vacation meant postponing a necessary ACL reconstruction surgery. At any given time, at least three of us work two, maybe three jobs. In addition to my sisters and my divorced parents, one of whom still works part time, there are two brothers-in-law with jobs and extended families of their own. No, it wasn’t easy, at times it was downright frustrating as the conflicts from all directions seemed to mount. I think there was literally just one week during the entire summer that worked for all of us after sifting through our schedules. But we kept trying and hundreds of text messages and a few group phone calls later we finally identified a time we could all make work. What I appreciate is that no one threw in the towel when the first couple of weeks that were proposed wouldn’t work. Instead, we kept trying until we finally found the one week during the summer that would work and then we committed to it. It would have been easier to decide we couldn’t do a week that far away. It would have been easier to just decide to throw mom a party in Iowa over a weekend. But we would have missed out on the beautiful memories of climbing lighthouses together, watching my kids parasail for the first time with their aunts, hearing the excitement in LJ and Adeline’s voices when we found the wild horses on the beach, and playing together in the sand dunes of Jockey Ridge State Park. Easy – definitely not. But preferred, indeed.
Next there is the matter of where that many people could possibly stay together somewhat comfortably. We all enjoy staying together – not because it is always easy- in fact, admittedly, sometimes it is not. Molly’s kids get up at 5 or 6 AM on the regular, as does my Dad. I had to get up early to work as I was in the midst of negotiating and drafting an important agreement. My mom and my fourteen-year-old son could stay up until midnight and sleep until 10:00 AM if you let them. We all have very different schedules and responsibilities. We jokingly referred to it as the house that never slept, and it can be an absolute fucking zoo to be quite frank. Finding a house that could accommodate all the varied of the persons involved was a feat in and of itself. Luckily, with a little bit of research we were able to find a three-story house on the beach of the Atlantic that had enough bedrooms and bathrooms to accommodate all of us. It would have been easier to not stay together. We could have decided to simply get our own accommodations and yes, that would have been easier and maybe even less expensive. But, again, that is when the experience of connection really happens. We would have missed out on hot tub parties as a family, games of cards, pizza at 9:00 at night as a family after a long day, grilling a steak fajita feast out on the patio and watching the sunrise over the Atlantic every morning with our father. Easy – definitely not. But preferred, indeed.
Finally, there is the matter of what to do while we were there. Not all of us like to do the same things or want the same things out of a vacation. Molly likes beach days with the kids whereas I want to be on the go all the time. Amy and my dad like a little alone time. Molly and I’s kids are all different ages – with varied likes and tolerances for certain activities and stimulation. As I mentioned I had a torn ACL and was in a large leg brace the entire trip which meant I couldn’t go swimming and that physical activity was more difficult. Luckily, sister Anne developed a spreadsheet of activities – each day had a morning activity and an afternoon activity – and people could opt in or out as they saw fit. There were activities we all did together, there were activities only some of us did, but what was important was that we had options – sort of like those choose your own adventure books you might have read as a kid. It would have been easier to simply all do our own things and meet up for dinner at the end of the day. But we would have missed out on the shared adventures which I have already talked about but, even more importantly, the spontaneity that accompanies shared adventures – stopping for the world’s best ice cream in Manteo where sister Kristen convinced my daughter to get a four scoop cone just so she could eat the leftovers, singing rounds of a silly chant my son made up in the car on the way home, and reminiscing about past stories, new memories and family legends. Easy – definitely not. But preferred, indeed.
I get it - your reaction may be to think this sounds like absolute hell but I would like to take a pause and challenge this reaction. I think often times, we are taught – especially in recent years – that personal space and boundaries are the end all be all. And yes, I get not overextending yourself and the value of self-care. However, I think sometimes the message of personal space and boundaries gets taken to the extreme and is interpreted as meaning you should never have to compromise or feel uncomfortable or make sacrifices. However, if we all took such an extreme position, we would never do anything with anyone unless it served our own agenda and was convenient. The reality is, however, that isn’t how relationships are designed to work. Great relationships aren’t great because they are always easy. They’re great because the people involved care enough about each other to find a way to make it work – meaning sometimes making sacrifices, trade-offs, and compromises. I am not bashing boundaries or personal space but what I am saying is there are tradeoffs when we become entrenched in that rhetoric. Yes, there are times, like when you stayed up until 2 AM playing cards, that it is not ideal to be woken up by energetic children at 6 AM. I powerfully choose to not focus on that because it is part of the compromise, part of the trade off of being in connection with others. The great thing about carving out a week of time together in a place other than our home bases is that we all get to make new memories together. It is in these moments when we are a bit less distracted or stressed out by the demands of everyday life that we can truly connect with each other in an impactful and powerful way. Yes, it’s constant chaos. But if I am really honest, it’s the kind of chaos that I long for in the quiet moments of my own life when I am at home alone. If you have never experienced the depths of lonesomeness, I hope you realize what a place of privilege that truly is. For me, however, nothing is as loud as the deafening quiet of loneliness. And once you have truly felt the icy cold sting of not just being alone, but truly feeling alone, the noise and chaos of a house filled with people who love and care for each other seemingly dissipates. I guess the point in me telling you all of these details is that, sure, the pictures look cool. Yet, the pictures aren’t the real story, at least not for me. The real story is the power of compromise and priorities. There were so many different points along the way that we could have thrown in the towel. We could have said it was too hard, too complicated, or too much work. We could have hidden behind personal space and boundaries. We could have chosen isolation over connection because that would have been easier. But I’m so very glad we didn’t. Easy – definitely not. But always, always preferred in my book.
